Heard people talking in my head last night-mindless ramble

So shortly after going to bed, I started getting those random thoughts that aren't dreams but they are not thoughts either. Then the weirdness started.

It was very organized. An actual conversation. I'm pretty sure they were talking about me. There were at least three of them. It was very strange, almost like I had to really work to continue "listening" to them, like searching for a frequency on a radio and if you move you might lose it.

It sucks though because I don't even remember what it was they were saying! I just remember one of them, a girl who seemed pretty tough, she was the last one who said something, and I addressed it. I spoke out loud(don't remember what I said, I think I said "who are you talking about" or something) and it grew completely silent. Like they didn't know I could hear them.

Oh my gosh I know I sound crazy right now. Weirdness has been escalating. I was dissociating at work two days ago and it was agonizing. I thought I would pass out or wake up from a dream any second, I just couldn't seem to get a sense that the world was real, and it didn't matter what I did to ground.

SH is getting worse...

I went out with a coworker after work last night. When he asked me I could almost feel my head being pushed down and my face turning red, which he even commented on! But I did it...we smoked hookah for a little while...could this be what would have caused hallucinations like that??? Needless to say I absolutely hated it and wished I had just gone straight home lol...I don't like letting others inside my oh so comfortable shell. He said I needed to come out of my shell...WHY? People have said this to me often. Why should I? Why is that so important? I come out of my shell with people I feel safe with, end of story. If you're not one of them, deal with it.

Ugh oh my gosh I'm so sorry I didn't mean to make this into such a mindless ramble. Stuff in my head has just been getting weirder and weirder, and when I was having derealization in my T session thursday that really threw me for a loop.

-- Sun Oct 30, 2011 10:29 am --

Not to mention I continue to wake up breathing heavily from a nightmare. I am starting to realize that the "talking to myself out loud" at work is a problem. I can't control it. It was the only way to relieve my anxiety last night and I was constantly looking over my shoulder making sure no one could hear me.

When people who care about you catch glimpses of the real you hiding inside your shell, they want to see more.

Being in recovery from DID is very much like The Very Hungry Caterpillar (a picture book by Eric Carle, in print since 1969). After a period of mindless hunger and suffering, there comes self control then metamorphosis, and at last there emerges a fresh and very beautiful butterfly.

Una took the words out of my mouth. If friends or people you know wish you no harm but like you encourage you to come out of your shell, it's a real compliment. Most of these people like you. The vast majority of the planet has no intention of harming you or getting inside your head in order to do damage. I don't know when I taught myself that, but it was many years ago after I left home. I thought "wow, there are a lot of people who like me just the way I am and want to get to know more of me. I dunno, maybe...."

I'm sure they were talking about me.

May well be. Hopefully soon they'll be talking to you.

There were at least three of them. It was very strange, almost like I had to really work to continue "listening" to them, like searching for a frequency on a radio and if you move you might lose it.

This is exactly what listening to my alters seemed like to me at first. I really had to search around to find the right channel. I also used an analogy of a submarine periscope operator trying to keep a ship far away in site while both the ship and your submarine were bobbing in the ocean. Not easy at first and it takes practice. I could usually pick up a sentence but sometimes the front end or the last words were cut off so I guessed at what was missing. This in part led me to believe I was making it up. Well, I was filling in the blanks, sometimes wrongly, but most of the content was exactly as they spoke to me.

I spoke out loud(don't remember what I said, I think I said "who are you talking about" or something) and it grew completely silent. Like they didn't know I could hear them.

I love this. It describes so clearly an early stage of contact walls between the host and alters beginning to break down.

Oh my gosh I know I sound crazy right now. Weirdness has been escalating. I was dissociating at work two days ago and it was agonizing. I thought I would pass out or wake up from a dream any second, I just couldn't seem to get a sense that the world was real, and it didn't matter what I did to ground.

It does not sound the least bit "crazy" to me. Unless I've been fooling myself all along and I'm entirely delusional, meaning this board is delusional and I'm communicating with myself. Somebody inside didn't like that line of joking.

This sounds like some additional amnesic walls breaking down. If that's valid, I would ask inside for help in blocking the dissociation as much as possible and letting you keep it together at work, especially if you all need the job. It does no one inside any good if you can't function. It is possible to compartmentalize dissociation with help from your alters to the time outside of work, especially if you promise to give them time and perhaps share the body after work. It took me a short period of time to reduce the chaos, flashbacks, attempted takeovers, that started flooding me during work. I'm not functioning there how I was a couple years ago, I mean, I'm dealing with DID, massive childhood abuse, and a dozen alters, but I'm functioning adequately to keep the job.

My alters or I talk out loud at work to each other all the time but in a whisper or under our breath. We figure we'll keep doing that until it becomes a real problem or someone notices.

Very interesting, dt. Very interesting indeed. By the way, please never feel the need to apologize, even for posts that feel like rambles or tangents. We all love reading rambles and tangents! And in fact, it didn't even seem like you were rambling at all, so you never have to worry about that. I should take my own advice though and stop apologizing myself!

I have experienced things sort of similar to you, except the "conversations" that I heard didn't seem to make any sense. It was more like gibberish. Or... actually more like snippets of actual conversations that maybe would have made sense in a larger context of a conversation, but since they were just snippets they didn't make any sense to me. This has happened when I am in between the fully "awake" state and actually sleep. Like, a middle state somewhere in between. I'm not sure at all what they were, because it sure wasn't me "thinking" these thoughts, it was more like I was listening to other people talking. But then again, it didn't seem to make any sort of sense. I still have yet to know or figure out what it was! (alters, not alters, etc etc.)

The self harm getting worse... that worries me. Is there a way you can contact your therapist next time before you break down and SH? I really wouldn't want anything really serious to happen... and the thought of it getting worse make me nervous. It would be really great if you had a safety plan in place (like calling your T) that can help you next time when you feel like SHing. Do you think that's a possibility?

brandic wrote:I have experienced things sort of similar to you, except the "conversations" that I heard didn't seem to make any sense. It was more like gibberish. Or... actually more like snippets of actual conversations that maybe would have made sense in a larger context of a conversation, but since they were just snippets they didn't make any sense to me.

Yeah, that's what I'd been experiencing for awhile, which is why I was so surprised about this one. It's like for a long time I've been listening at the door, barely able to make out what was being said. Then it's like I found the key and opened the door, but they didn't notice me crawl into the room. Then when I said something, it was almost like I could feel the tension in the room! Like 'oops we didn't know she could hear us, what now?!'

Johnny-Jack wrote:It is possible to compartmentalize dissociation with help from your alters to the time outside of work, especially if you promise to give them time and perhaps share the body after work.

This intrigues me, and I wonder if you could expand on this. If I wasn't feeling completely aware/present, does that mean that somebody else wasfeeling present? Like a partial switch? I didn't get the sense that I was acting any differently than normal, I just felt totally separate and cut off from the outside world, like one of us wasn't real, or like I would just dissolve any second. Kind of like in Back to the Future where he starts to disappear at the end!

Una+ wrote:Being in recovery from DID is very much like The Very Hungry Caterpillar (a picture book by Eric Carle, in print since 1969). After a period of mindless hunger and suffering, there comes self control then metamorphosis, and at last there emerges a fresh and very beautiful butterfly.

This is so lovely and makes me want to read that book again! Thank you.

brandic wrote:The self harm getting worse... that worries me. Is there a way you can contact your therapist next time before you break down and SH? I really wouldn't want anything really serious to happen... and the thought of it getting worse make me nervous. It would be really great if you had a safety plan in place (like calling your T) that can help you next time when you feel like SHing. Do you think that's a possibility?

Thanks brandic. I wish I felt comfortable contacting my T, but for some reason I don't feel like I can. She's never mentioned if it's okay for me to call in a situation like that. Part of my never ending paranoia about being terminated again I guess...

I don't know about anyone else but I feel like your post, asymm, should have had a trigger warning. Maybe it's just me but talk of people putting thoughts into other peoples heads and stuff makes me really uncomfortable...

Hey divided,

What you talk about is exactly what I experience when I slip inside accidentally. Hearing a snippet of conversation. Like when my alters were discussing dates, realised I was there, so looked at me and stopped. Do you get any visuals when you experience these times? Any at all?

I have no idea what that thing is you mentioned but perhaps it relaxed your inhibitions to knowing what is going on inside and so opened up the corridor a bit more, so to speak.

Talking to 'myself' walking down the road is exactly how my discovery of this started 2 years or do ago. Realising I couldn't stop it (it was Alice talking) and just needing to accept this voice needs to be heard was how I began the journey of accepting other parts may be there.

I know how crazy and scary this can all seem at first. I know the temptation is to cut it all out with the self harm but I urge you to think that you are hurting all parts of you when you cut - younger parts too. If your younger parts could talk they'd probably do what Kerry did. Break down in tears becaise she kept getting cut and didn't like it.

You're hurting and mourning the loss of a childhood lost that was not your fault. I hope you feel that at least for a bit you don't want to hurt yourself and cause yourself even more pain to have to heal.

(((hugs if wanted)))

B

Thank you bourbon...I remember with this particular incident there were visuals, too. However nothing like this happens anymore...maybe just a hypnagogic hallucination, I think? I have since realized I do not have DID, so my thoughts on my experiences are much different from what they were when I wrote this in October. A big relief was my therapist telling me that she didn't think I had it. Once I heard that...I stopped guessing.

About the cutting...thank you so much for all you wrote about it. I guess I really don't feel like I'm hurting anyone with it...I don't have alters, so it's not like I'm hurting somebody 'else.' I am trying to be nice to myself right now, hoping I can get through the day without it, but realistically I don't think that will happen. We'll see though.

senselesssacrifice wrote:I don't know about anyone else but I feel like your post, asymm, should have had a trigger warning. Maybe it's just me but talk of people putting thoughts into other peoples heads and stuff makes me really uncomfortable...

I've moved that post now to somewhere more appropriate where people might be able to relate and reply to that member more....

dividedtruth89 wrote:About the cutting...

Did you ever ask your therapist if you could contact her in the event that you felt like you might self-harm? I know my therapist is fine with me contacting him if it is about self-harm urges and he will always respond back fairly promptly but I felt like I needed to ask him if it was ok to contact him before I felt comfortable to do so...

salted lipstick wrote:Did you ever ask your therapist if you could contact her in the event that you felt like you might self-harm? I know my therapist is fine with me contacting him if it is about self-harm urges and he will always respond back fairly promptly but I felt like I needed to ask him if it was ok to contact him before I felt comfortable to do so...

No. I haven't seen her in about 3 weeks because I can't afford the copays anymore. I doubt I can go back till at least August.

I still wouldn't feel comfortable with it anyway. I would feel like I was bothering her. I called her once when I was feeling really #######5 and I felt like I was bothering her. I don't think "I feel like cutting" is a big enough reason to waste her time. She has her own life, she doesn't need to be bogged down by me outside of sessions.

In no way saying this is how you should feel with your T, if you can call him when you feel like SH, that's great. But for me, I just can't. The first and last time I called her practically caused me to have a panic attack.