Core?

So... I was talking to Kendra a few days ago, and she pointed out something that sort of perked my interest. What if I'm really not the Core?

A few months ago, Kendra constantly said that she was the Core, but she changed her name, altered her appearance, created someone else to take her place (Me). She said she has memories of a lot of our childhood, and swore on her name that she was the Core. Of course, no one believed her, because we were so sure that I'm the Core.

Well, she sort of dropped it, or gave up, or something. But now she brought it up again, and this time she pointed out how I haven't really changed at all since the main traumatic event that happened to us. She also pointed out that I mentioned that I don't feel older. I feel like my body is growing, but I don't "feel" like I'm aging. I haven't matured in any way. Whereas, she's actually changed a lot. She has become much more complex, even a little nicer, and much more mature than me.

You're probably wondering why its such a big deal to me. Well... I dont know.. I think it'd be sort of life changing to find out I'm the fake and Kendra's the real one. After all this time Kendra's been trying to protect me, but what if I was made to protect her? It just seems really... Hard to grasp.

But, what I'm getting at is. How do you really know if you're the Core or not?

I know I am not the core! I have been host for 2 years and the Core Self is buried under 25 layers!

From my understanding - until your system is safe, the Core Self will remain buried.

I believed I was the core for several years, and I'm not. Honestly, finding out made a LOT of sense to me and was a relief, though also surprising in a way. But it didn't feel negative so much as "well, so who am I?". If you're the core or not, you're still you. That's what I learned from my own experience of discovering who I am and am not.

-Mikaela

here are some of the riddles they give me in my head:

"the child named but not the baby born"
"the one who lives, but not who endures"

those riddles apply to me. i am the "owner of the body", yet i have my own 'inside name' as well.
nobody identifies with the legal name - it's been changed twice (total of 3 legal names), it's just the label for the body now.

dunno about things. denial and doubt is a pretty thing. sometimes i don't care to even know anything. sometimes topics such as "who/what is the Core?" is irrelevant to me, sometimes im obsessed. my own things. be careful with the wonderings, sometimes it can drive you crazy.

**hits submit before backspacing can occur**

I honestly have no idea. Because I have thought I was for ages, and yet now I'm not entirely positive that I am. On the other hand, I'm definitely the one who's been out the most for a very, very long time...so I'm not sure it matters at this point.