Question about switching

Are you aware that you are switching and if so are you aware of what is being said, done and thought by your alter when they are out? I have been doing some reading on the criteria of DID and it says that if you have DID you are not aware of when you are switching or when your alters are out, you basically are not there and have no recollection of what went on when you come back. Now as for me I do know when I switch and I am fully awake and no what my alter is saying, doing and thinking, does this mean I do not have DID and something else or what? I am so confused about all this. Is this just all made up by my imagination or is it really some form of DID I do not know about?

Susan

Hi Susan,

I am not an expert by any means, but I am learning. What you are describing is co-consciousness. Every person with DID (and their system) is different. Some have no co-consciousness and a lot of amnesia barriers. Others have some co-consciousness with some amnesia barriers. Some are almost completely co-conscious with little to no amnesia barriers. This last example applies to me. I have a high amount of co-consciousness with my parts - I am aware when I switch, and I am aware of my parts actions when they are out, because I am "watching". Sometimes I can hear their thoughts but mostly I cannot. Either that or we are "blended" where myself and another part are out, but don't know where one of us ends and the other begins. We are momentarily merged.

I think this idea that in order to qualify as DID you must have no awareness of switching is an older, outdated one. At least that is my understanding.

Does this make any sense?

It depends on the type of switch. If I consciously switch, meaning if I let an alter come forward and take control, I can still be aware of what's going on if I chose to be. It's like I'm looking over their shoulder. I have no control over what I do or say, but I'm still aware of who's in control and what they're doing and saying. I can also choose to not be aware, if I trust the alter that's out (all the alter's I can consciously switch with I usually trust). If I switch due to a trigger, then the level of awareness varies. Imagine these different scenarios:

-You're driving a car. Suddenly, someone shoves you out of the driver's seat and throws you in the backseat. You're aware that you're not driving the car, and can sometimes fight for control, but remain in the backseat while the other person continues to drive your car. This is what it's like when I'm still aware of what's going on, but an alter has been triggered out by something. I can try to fight to regain control, but I don't always succeed.

-You're driving a car and suddenly someone puts a bag over your head and throws you in the back seat. You're aware that you're not driving the car, but that's it. This is what it's like when an alter is triggered out and "blocks" me mentally. I see a "wall" in my mind and I'm aware that I'm not in control and I'm aware that time is passing, but I have no idea what's going on in the outside world. I can try and break through the wall and regain control, but it's difficult.

-You're driving a car and suddenly someone pulls you out of the car and throws you in the trunk, then continues driving. This is what it's like when I experience something I call "The Darkness". It happens when something triggers me or an alter, and I lose time to some extent. I know that time is passing, I just don't know how much, and I know that I'm not in control, but that's it. All I see is darkness, it's like being in a pitch-black maze that I have to "find" my way out of to get back to awareness/consciousness. So it's like being in the trunk of a car and trying to get back into the driver's seat.

-You're driving a car and suddenly someone knocks you out, puts you in the trunk, continues driving, then places you in the driver's seat before you wake up so it's like nothing ever happened. This is what it's like when I switch and lose time. I'm not always aware that I switched, I'm not aware of any time that's passed, I'm not aware of what I said or did during that time, nothing. It's like I skip over the time that the other alter was out. This is what most people look for with DID, but for me, personally, I didn't start experiencing this until recently, at least not with the full time loss/black outs. Every DID case is different, it can't be defined only by if you lose time/aren't aware during a switch.

I hope that made sense and helps explain the variations of switches that can happen.

We are co-conscious.Believe me I can hear Clair screaming in my ear when she is angry about something.It's like a pressure,it's emotional and physical,their presents is known.For me, it is like some one standing very very close to me, some one wrapping their arms around me.I can hear them talking and we have discussions.I can look inside and see them as clear as a person standing in front of me.I know when they are angry, sad or happy.I get an ear full when they are unhappy.
When we work together there is input from my others and the giving of suggestions on what should be done,how to deal with an issue before us or how to address a problem.When the little one jumps in I get a warm feeling,a light feeling in my heart.
I guess those of us who are co-conscious are more in the minority but it is still dissociation no matter how one slices it.
Last time I saw my Therapist I asked her straight out could this not be DID but that I'm Schizophrenic.She said I show no signs of this disorder.
So what do I have DID or some rare unknown disorder or issues never seen by the menatl health industry?I know what th issue is dissociation.For me it is just like one that knows if they have heart problems or one is missing a limb.One sure does not have to have a doctor telling one that this taking place or is the problem.For me I know it ,I feel it,live with it every day and like it or not we must deal with the issue as best as we can.
I know some on the forum may disagree with me but theory is one thing the real world is another.Theory sometimes is very much lacking when explaining the real world issues of having and dealing with DID.One size does not fit all.
Regards
Watcheroflights

Cassandra, I just love your analogy of the drivers scenario. I think it would really make things clear for a non-DID person. Clever and well thought out. In my lifetime I've experienced all of those and recently I've experienced some. I'd like to offer a couple more than also apply to my system.

- You're driving a car. Someone taps you on the shoulder and tells you they want to drive. You say "awesome, I was getting pretty tired, I guess you could tell. Ha, ha, you might have even been worried I was about to have a wreck. In any case, thanks." They slip into the driver's seat and you crawl into the back seat, lay down, close your eyes and relax but you can never quite drift off even though you want to. But you're pretty chill about whatever's going on.

- You're driving a car. Someone starts pushing you out of the way so they can drive and you reluctantly let them, but you stay in the front seat with them. You make a few suggestions, telling them which way to turn, warning them of an upcoming speed bump, suggesting they may want to slow down, and they get fed up and jump in the back seat so you have no choice but to grab the wheel, feeling like a total schmuck because they seemed to be having fun driving, it really was their turn, you'd hogged the wheel for hours and they were, admittedly, doing a better job in many ways than you.

Thank you, Johnny-Jack. I'm glad you added those two, I'd completely forgotten about them. Especially about the napping while someone else is driving one. I think that's over half of my day sometimes, haha!

Thank you everyone for your quick response and accurate replies to my question. From your own experiences of co-conciousness and what I have learned, I do not have any of these symptoms of DID, it must be something else going on inside of me. I am very aware of myself all the time, do not feel that there is anyone taking control of my body or I am standing on the outside of myself. Missdiagnosis is what I chalk it up to for me. I do however fit more of the cirteria of BPD. Thank you all for your advice. Bye

Susan

Johnny-Jack, and Cassandra, wow, you really captured the essence of switching. I love your analogies!

Yes, they have brilliantly described the subjective experience of switching.

My only caveat is that when there is lost time, it is very common for the person to be unaware of or to later forget those periods of lost time when the person has been unaware.

Here is an example. Years ago I witnessed a stranger fall in what I know think was a deep dissociative trance. He literally fell over and was gone for about 15 minutes. I gave first aid. Paramedics were called and he was about to be transported to hospital when he came back. He was disoriented but lucid, and refused treatment. Recently I contacted the man. I told him about my DID and asked how he was doing, if he had experienced any further episodes. Well, he remembered me vividly but he had no memory of "coming to" lying on the floor, no memory of the paramedics, no memory of my telling him what I had witnessed.

This topic brought back yet another distant memory.
I had been planning to go to a gig at a local dance hall, there had been many similar events in our little town all through the summer and that was the last one. For some reason I decided not to go after all. On Monday I went to school and all my friendscame to me smiling and began teasing me about a boy I didn't know well, but I thought he was cute. Everyone said I had been together with him at the gig. I denied it but even my closest classmates had seen us there kissing and all that jazz.

Even now it makes me feel SICK when I think about it. My family were all out that night and there was no-one who could say whether I had been at home or not. Naturally I couldn't go to the boy and ask him if we had been there together. I told my friends it must have been someone else and they kept telling me it's impossible.
It's funny how these things come back one by one. Of course that was one of the incidents I wanted to put behind me fast.