This is not a Democracy!

I am new to the forum and I do not wish to cause any one to trigger.Caution is advised.
Regards
Watcheroflights

This is not a Democracy!
About three months ago my abuser killed himself. The man was an adoptive parent and he severely abused me physically and mentally from childhood into my teens. I went through years of crisis, near breakdowns and breakdowns. I was put in hospital in my mid 20’s for about nine months. I must say that the mental health industry did little to help with the issue but through trial and error I came up with a system that allow me to control, deal with and work with the others for more than thirty-two years. For reasons which I do not understand when the word came that my abuser had killed himself this shattered me and the old system that worked, so well, for so many years no longer worked or at least no longer worked well. Internally chaos, anger and most frightening, to me, time loss has ensued.
I think why my system has worked for so long was that there was an internal understanding between me, the core, and the others that his was not a Democracy. That I was in control, that the others would not take control of the body. That the others would have input into daily life and activities but I, me, the core, would always have the very last say. That all would keep the others in the loop and not one would steal time.
I am now seeing a therapist who I really like but I understand that therapist is only a guide at best and that any recovery from this must take place with me. My question is how to make the system within work once again and stop the overwhelming chaos and anger and the time loss. I want it to be the way it was before but dread that it will never be the same and fear the outcomes of this, as it was in the past, of no longer having the control to deal with this issue. The worrying and the struggle to maintain control makes me feel tired all the time and the foggy feeling makes it hard to breathe and see beyond the next minute. This is no way to live. Sometimes I feel I just want to go away because it would be easier that way. Not broken yet but badly bent. Any advice would be helpful.
Regards
Watcheroflights

Hi watcheroflights,

I am so sorry to hear about the crisis situation you are in. I had a life event recently that tore me apart and for 2 weeks I hit crisis point. The only way I got through those 2 weeks was to put faith in the fact my mind was dealing with this change in my life, but it won't be this way forever. Keeping hope that things will get better is so easy to say, harder to do, but it is so important to your personal state if you can not add to your pile of $#%^ to deal with a sense of fear and anxiety that this will never go away. I am glad to hear you like your therapist, you are right that the work comes from you, but having that person you feel safe to talk to, open up and share all these thoughts may really help to keep you grounded. I'm sorry I have no advice. But I send comforting thoughts your way.

Bourbon

Bourbon
Thanks for the reply.I know what I was asking has no clear cut answers but I was hoping someone could point us in the right direction.Seem like a tight group here and in no way do I wish others to think that I was forcing our presents on the group.I do find some of the information posted in topics here helpful.
Also that others,like me, do communicate with the others within and I'm just not crazy in what I understand about myself.I did talk about integration with my therapist but the others have been with me so long it would be like losing a family member,even when they are a pain in the behind, and I was not interested.I'm just seeking control over having a crisis everyday and the stealing of time.I fear more of what happen a few weeks ago where I found my self in a bad part of town and had to call my wife to come find me and save me.It made me feel ashamed of myself and brought on a lot of self loathing for allowing it to happen.I guess I am lucky in that my wife is understanding and shows love even if at times she does not understand what is going on inside.Partly it is my fault to her lack of understanding but I refuse to dump this garbage on her and that is what it really is ,my abusers garbage, but I'm stuck with it.It is what it is and I am fighting hard not to run from the issue.Running never helps and only,in my view, makes it worse.
Once again thanks for the reply and hope this was not an upset or bother to the group.
Best Regards
Watcheroflights

Hey,

Of course it is not a bother to the group. We are glad you posted and this is what this group is here for. I haven't been here long but I was welcomed with open arms and you will be the same.

You seem contradictory though in something you said, you said how integration would feel like losing a family member so something you are against, yet you also said this is your abusers garbage. I may be reading it wrong but it sounds like you are torn between seeing it in a positive light and a negative one?

Also, you didn't "allow this to happen". The very nature of losing time is you aren't in control of it. If you could stop it, you would because it sounds like it is really distressing you. But you can't. There is no way you should be feeling ashamed of yourself

As you say, running makes it worse, and since I've stopped blanking it/running from it I have come out of the crisis point I am in. I hope you find your answers.

Bourbon

Bourdon
You are right there is a contradiction and a conflict.A child in an adult body,a female in a male body.There is a positive light.These two aspects help me do things,I feel, I would not be able to do on my own.They give me insights that I would otherwise not have or would miss.
I work well with children which I believe I would not have this ability to do so without these others.It's no all negative but at this time the chaos and losing time must be addressed. To allow it to go on only allows things to cascade out of control.Bourdon,for me I know the outcomes of not having control of the system.The self abuse,the danger.I've been there and do not want or wish to go back.I do not want to be locked up for many months because the others are running wild.
Once again thanks for the reply you make us think and that is important.
Regards
Watcheroflights

Hello and welcome, it's nice to meet you. In real life garbage can often be recycled into something else thats useful. Maybe the same is true of your abuse garbage? I'm not saying it's not real just mean it's not a tin can or bit of wood etc. Hope I explained it ok.

Chloe. X

I did not want to leave this on a totally negative point.Bourbon and Kerry H did point out to me that there are postive sides of this issue. This is an image that the others and myself did as a group together.From taking the picture to processing of the image. Also a drawing we did together. A lot of the pictures and images that are done are done as a group.I just do not have the talent on my own.


Regards
Watcheroflights

I like those pics. I hope you managed to figure out some answers. Sorry I couldn't be more use my brain is mush at the moment.

Chloe. X

Beautiful images. Works of art with you all as the artists. Lovely

Bourbon

With Smiles.
Us