*repost - splitting of self, gender identity issues....

In DID, everyone who is present is an alter. So I've been the one person in the body almost exclusively since childhood but I'm an alter too, created when my body was 2.

how did you come to know that?

For your situation, it seems there's you, the person describing the other four and using the image of the bridge with them as trolls under it. It may well be these are some type of ego states that are distinct from the normal you (the one who posted) but they are still not distinct personalities as in DID. It seems odd to me that you could be any one of them at a particular time and describe the four others as trolls. Meaning if you are SHE, why would you be calling SHE a troll?

If you are referring to pronoun use, don't put too much weight into it. I'm a scientist so by default I tend to remove subjectivity from my analysis, even of self. So I did have difficulty with writing the descriptions in the sense of pronoun choice, I couldn't decide if I would write, I, or we or she or him. I tend to edit the crap out of my pronoun use. Except maybe of the obvious imagery from the outside (he sitting in the chair with his drink and commentary) this is obviously from the others. He added the smart part! Lol!!

If you mean why would she call herself a troll? Self criticism is our biggest problem, and more so the criticism of each other. So this is not unusual of the collective self.

Inherently I do not believe they are separate identities, but I agree some kind of ego states.

I'm going to try to talk to T about this, i haven't seen him in a while, so i feel it is kind of hard to suddenly open with this. I mentioned my he-self and she-self once in passing a few months ago, and he suggested it was a bad idea to split them. Both my he and she felt rejected and were both so furious we didn't go back for about a month. Then I want back and didn't bring it up again and talked more about GID. But obviously I need to talk about it. I think they different states might talk one on one with him, or at least i think they have in the past (Him with respect to GID, her with respect to hating be a housewife when I was on mat leave, the depressed one being depressed).

I feel a very physical wave of depression come in when "the depressed one" comes and perhaps calling it a person that is not really me is just an extension of my denial. "I'm not depressed, she is" . The real problem though is the I? Who am I, what do I want out of life etc.

?? Consistent with bridge image, but who or what is the billy goat?

Yes, things and people that come along in life, or maybe what other people call triggers. I used to feel I could be any one of the 4 or 5 or whatever and control it more or less. but now I feel it is out of my control and it is effing with my life and my happiness. For example "he" is ruling my sexual life right now, and he is not attracted to men (and has a hypersexual and often sadistic attraction to women) - you can imagine how well this goes over with my husband. I'm trying to convince my him he can be bisexual, lol, but his biggest issue is he doesn't have a penis/muscles and he hates my female parts - hence the original GID concerns. Again, maybe I have created a 'him" to deal with GID issues - not sure which came first.

Anyway, thank you for your discussion, I really appreciate it. your questions and comments have really helped me get my thoughts together.
Sam

I found the way you describe your system interestig, there are features that have some similarity with mine, and roles like the depressed one and the evil one. Sexuality is a little differently divided in my system between three persons, I'm one of them, but I've also had a transgendered phase because of my depressive one who is gay. He was my first other who appeared to me as a consistent personality and I thought of him as a spirit of some sorts.

I typed a long and well-thought reply to you and the managed to delete it. Anyway, when you said that your core feels empty, I just thought that maybe your core has the role of being a singular... maybe she is the 'bridge' under which the 'trolls' are hidden. It could be that she has paid so much attention to this task that she has identified with it and forgotten bits. Perhaps the others are keeping those pieces of information to themselves.
Well, these were my thoughts as I read this thread.

In DID, everyone who is present is an alter. So I've been the one person in the body almost exclusively since childhood but I'm an alter too, created when my body was 2.

how did you come to know that?

I remembered it in therapy. I remembered very clearly coming into the body for the first time and thinking why am I crying, so I stopped. (Actually, it may have been a flashback, which is a type of memory.) I always had memories from two years old as far back as I can remember and I had images from age 1. I think if the trauma is bad enough, you and/or your body remembers anything almost from anytime.

It might be a good idea to record things you know about these states, like a sense of when they came, their purpose, what are their key characteristics (you've mentioned several here), where is their pain centered? Getting this stuff out of your head onto paper or computer screen might help you assess it all from a slightly different angle. You could allow your parts to speak something specific they would want recorded about them, state their own bio. My blog entries aren't diary-like, they're attempts to analyze us all, how we happened, what we're good at, etc. It's helped center me about the whole thing. Somehow for me, when it's down on paper, I can look and say "okay, these lists are just like biographies of multiples I've read." It could help make sense of my system for others (therapists) and for myself also.

Anyway, when you said that your core feels empty, I just thought that maybe your core has the role of being a singular... maybe she is the 'bridge' under which the 'trolls' are hidden. It could be that she has paid so much attention to this task that she has identified with it and forgotten bits.

under ice - ugg I hate it when that happens (accidentally deleting). It has happened to me several times, and it is very frustrating. I'm very interested in your thoughts. This one above, perhaps you are on to something. How you have described me an my potential core is kind of how my T describes me - taking care of other people's needs first, being a container for other's (mostly narcissists) feelings. I guess there woudl be consistencies with your interpretation. I'd love to hear more if you ever care to write!

I remembered very clearly coming into the body for the first time and thinking why am I crying, so I stopped. (Actually, it may have been a flashback, which is a type of memory.) I always had memories from two years old as far back as I can remember and I had images from age 1. I think if the trauma is bad enough, you and/or your body remembers anything almost from anytime.

John I had this overwhelming empathy for you when I read this. I am sorry that whatever happened to you was so awful. I have no idea what it was but clearly it was emotionally horrific.

Thanks for your suggestions of how to sort this out. It is clearly going to take some time and like another post here, I too feel like I have opened the door a little and these effin people have all decided they want a say. Im not sure what is healthier - ignoring them or acknowledging them.

I'm not sure who is reading this but I'd like to hear a little bit more about how an "integrated" person feels. I kind of feel like I have dissociating ego states that may dissociate into identities if pushed too hard (and also I feel maybe the depressed one has dissociated or is starting too and that is what has freaked me out). Maybe if I can re-integrate this poor soul I'll find some peace.

holy crap though.
Sam