*repost - splitting of self, gender identity issues....

I posted this on the GID forum - it is a little quiet over there. Read below I don't think I have DID or DIDNOS but I am having difficulties, that much is clear. I am just looking for any kind of help, on how to cope........... tx




I feel like I have multiple selves or states, or emotional beings. Not in a DID sense but there are some similarities.

I have this male self. He is male, wants to do male things, hang out with guys, he feels make and is male. Dressing etc more male doesn't help him too much because he is not a girl dressed as a guy he is just a guy. He hates being addressed as or called a girl, or when he is around he hates having to speak with the women as a women at social gatherings. He often wishes women would stop wanting to be his friend, and he pushes them away. He is a great DAD to my kids though and a good buddy to my husband. (when I am him I feel like I have GID)

Then I have this she self. She is ok with being a girl, more of a tomboyish one, not a girly girly though. She likes hanging with some girls, she LOVES being a mom. She's complicated, because one one hand she is proud of herself (secretively) but she believes all the sexist crap my him feeds her. She has low self-esteem but is stubborn and gets things done. (when I am her I feel like GID is just a phase)

As I mentioned above, they don't like each other very much. He is sexist and she is an accomplished female. They can drive me nuts.

Then I have this other emotional state which has bothered me in the past few years and I have really only started directly addressing her this month. She is triggered by family (parents, siblings, sometimes husband, never by my kids). She is silent, withdrawn, she can barely speak but inside she is screaming at the top of her lungs, non stop, it's weird but it is so loud it is like I cannot listen to anything around me. but outside there is no voice, nothing, I am quiet. I have been bothered by this behaviour over the past few years and I really cannot control it. It consumes me and I cannot snap out of it. Finally this month she was lingering after my parents left and I didn't know what to do so I told her to go away and we (my he and she) would protect her. And she did I was able to snap out of it. But do you think it is all in my head, that I could have snapped out of it anyways?

I do have a therapist and I have yet to tell him this so clearly, it is really just coming together in my mind. But also I have serious trust/vulnerability issues. when I feel vulnerable she, the depressed one, jumps out and pulls down the iron curtain all around me, and I lock up and don't speak. I know he (therapist) is here to help but...... bit by bit, I'm scared of it all too.

I've been reading the DID/DIDNOS forums and it is not like people describe really. No loss of time, or anything like taht. i'm not sure of people's awareness of their otherselves, but i am aware completely, they are more like separate emotional states with different feelings of self, different opinions, needs and desires which have their own way of coming and going.

I think why it is bothering me is that I feel like I cannot control who I am each day and it is harder and harder to kick my self out of a place I don't want to be (like a sexist male when hanging out with girls, or a depressed child/teenager). I can deal with it all better when I am on the SSRI, but I'm not sure it is control but rather tolerance.

I would be grateful for any thoughts. I want to find a way to deal with this better.

Sam

This sounds like me for most of my life until a big shock triggered a whole bunch of weirdness like time loss and hallucinations. If you do have DID, I think this would be considered passive influence, where "alters" influence the host's personality on a consistent basis. It could take something big to bring them out fully. Then you would understand why part of you wants to be a guy and the other part is happy with being a girl.

Lol not saying you should try to shock yourself or anything. Just saying it looks to me like you shouldn't rule out DID/DDNOS entirely...

I also didn't consider myself to have had a bad childhood. My previous opinion of my childhood experiences was "We had a lot of hard times, but my family was there for me so we all got through it together"

I don't believe that anymore. I was looking at $#%^ through rose colored glasses before.

Hi Sam,

I don't know if what you describe is covert DID or DDNOS with dissociated ego states, or just strong ego states that aren't dissociated. You could do some of the self-assessment forms, the Dissociative Experiences Scale etc.; doing that would help to clarify your situation. In any case, yes your parts can talk to each other, ask each other to cool it so you can function better, and this is often very helpful! It's mind boggling, really, that this works but it does work.

Thanks for the comments, they are helping......

I don't know if what you describe is covert DID or DDNOS with dissociated ego states, or just strong ego states that aren't dissociated. You could do some of the self-assessment forms, the Dissociative Experiences Scale etc.

Una+ can you expand on this a little. Like you are teaching , I did one of the assessments, scored about a 35 but I'm not sure it really means anything. I find these subjective scores difficult.

f you do have DID, I think this would be considered passive influence, where "alters" influence the host's personality on a consistent basis.

Dividedtruth89 can you also teach me a bit about this. I do feel like it is constant, like my "self" is a dome and on its own very empty you know but that there are 4 kind of creatures (him, her, depressed one, + one child), like trolls under the bridge. Each one with an opinion, position, needs etc.

The fourth would be this young child who comes out when, as I have learned, I allow myself to be vulnerable. Im not really sure of the sex of this child, I used think it was a she but I think that based on the fact I am a biological female. it has a lot of male characteristics. The child is funny, inquisitive, beaming with optimism and had an intense curiosity about nearly everything - how the world works, especially nature, people, ideas. But emotionally the child is very vulnerable, is seen as naive, needy, too trusting and not realistic by the others. But when I am the child it feels so good. I would say I am only this way with my kids, and I used to be with my husband, I am trying to win this back though.

I might dissociate during sex. I'm not sure. I never really thought about it until recently.

I too didn't consider myself to have a bad childhood, but that is if you focus on the physical needs. THe emotional needs, as now I understand, were completely absent, repressed, invalidated.

I have chronic feelings of emptiness and fraud which is not unusual for kids of narcissistic mothers and fathers. But it seems to have manifested into this, like I mentioned, empty circus tent with 4 acts. But the core feels empty. I don't know what i am supposed to do with these 4 acts - put them together or let them be and try to order them around if they are misbehaving (LOL now that I wrote that i really feel crazy). But I realize I have been doing this for a while, just not overtly. For example when I hang out with my female friends I try to tell my he to back off, my she needs friends (it only works with people he can tolerate).

Thanks a mil
sam

Which assessment did you do, that you scored a 35 on?

http://counsellingresource.com/lib/quiz ... tests/des/

the first one after you google it - are there better tests? the comments on the results were extremely thin....

sam

Sam, I scored a 34 on that (as I recall) and definitely have DID but the score alone isn't necessarily conclusive, though higher numbers are pretty suggestive I would think. It's just that I "got it under control" by age 12, stopped losing time then and mostly haven't since except for very brief periods.

Both DID and DDNOS can help a child endure not only abuse but complete neglect. It sounds like you could have DDNOS. They certainly sound like quite different personalities. I'm aware of what my alters are doing and thinking. Do you identify yourself as any particular person or does the identification shift based on who's in charge at that moment? You identify four different personality states so are you technically an empty shell fifth? If you are the empty shell, does one of the four always have to be there at all times? Also, your image of "trolls under the bridge" sounds kind of negative, if you don't mind my saying so. Who is doing the describing of them that way, is it all of them collectively or the suggested fifth? Or was that just sort of the image you came up with?

There are forms of dissociative disorder where the "host" or front personality is not one alter but a combination of personalities which take turns presenting a whole. I'm not that familiar with it but I've read about it. In any case, it sounds confusing but I have little doubt there is an explanation or a diagnosis that will help you make more sense of what you're experiencing.

John

HI John,

I'm trying to make sense of what you are saying. Ok the shell the 5th? I'm a little freaked to be honest.

I feel like it is a committee. You know, all of them present, participating to different extents. But certain states take over at times. It says a lot about my (meaning collective) personality - i tend to be diplomatic. I feel in a way I have created these to compartmentalize conflicting thoughts and ideas. But on the other hand I also feel like I cannot really control them, so maybe I am starting to define them? not sure, yet. The score of 34 doesn't mean a lot to me because while I tried to make the collective opinion, I felt different parts of me were answering the questions. I wanted to say, well it depends.... for every question.

I'm not sure about the empty shell operating on its own. I guess I feel I shove them all under the bridge to get the "task" parts of my life under control.

The trolls thing - yes. Interesting to think about because that is just how it came out. It is a lot of imagery.

The male is sitting in the corner with his drink (like rye or scotch) constantly making his narcissistic and pretentious commentary. He is smart though and contributes a lot to our well-being. He has a nice chair.

The child hides. but the playfulness, curiosity and wonder keeps us happy. There are trust issues for the child and this is complicated (meaning I don't really want to go into it right now). The child is crouching or playful, sometimes just listening with wide eyes.

The depressed one hides too. but is very introspective, creative, brings a lot to the table as well. It has a fleeting image, like a spirit.

the she is the mother for sure, but has a lot of emotional issues. I'm not sure if the she was really present before I had kids to be honest. She appears strong, able she is responsible. Is her image of the biological me? Maybe, not sure, I don't really see anything else and by default I guess this would make sense since i am biologically a women. But i don't really feel like this fits or is her choice or desire to be so im not sure.

The child and depressed one are gender free. I guess they (meaning different states) come out depending on which billy goat crosses the bridge. I never really thought of the shell but I would say that mostly we are all there. The depressed one, I think, is not there when the child is there so maybe they are complementary states.

If you have anything more to say about this or the idea of a host, or of these just being different personality states which are somehow split but not really identities I'd love to hear it. when I read the posts in this forum I don't identify with most of it only on a very superficial level.

I'm not sure about my childhood. I don't remember a lot - I just have sharp, very real individual memories and a few "feeling memories" (feeling a certain way but not having examples of why). But I think this is very normal. I remember wanting to leave as early as 10 or so and as soon as I got the opportunity to move across the country for school i did and never looked back.

Thanks,
Sam

Una+ what do you mean "manages alter 1"
Sam

In DID, everyone who is present is an alter. So I've been the one person in the body almost exclusively since childhood but I'm an alter too, created when my body was 2.

For your situation, it seems there's you, the person describing the other four and using the image of the bridge with them as trolls under it. It may well be these are some type of ego states that are distinct from the normal you (the one who posted) but they are still not distinct personalities as in DID. It seems odd to me that you could be any one of them at a particular time and describe the four others as trolls. Meaning if you are SHE, why would you be calling SHE a troll?

So I'm guessing right now that you have something somewhere between DID and the "norm" of a person who is aware of their different roles in life and that they act and feel differently in them but recognizes themself in each role.

I'm not sure about the empty shell operating on its own. I guess I feel I shove them all under the bridge to get the "task" parts of my life under control.

This seems to say that you are separate or distinct from the four and that they are there to perform different roles.

depending on which billy goat crosses the bridge

?? Consistent with bridge image, but who or what is the billy goat?

Sounds like your childhood was problematic. I'd really try to talk to your T about what your experience is and put your trust issues aside, though don't ignore them. You want to find out what your diagnosis is, though you may also be able to figure it out from interactions others online, in one of these forums perhaps. The positive thing is, I'm sure you know, once you get some sort of diagnosis or a name for your condition, you can start reading about that and begin understanding (if it's accurate).