Does this look like DID?

hi everyone,
Well a year ago i went to a psychologist because almost all my torturing problems were gone and wanted to know what is going on because i believe my dad has the same problem as i do and wanted to help him..anyway i still have many issues but i describe myself before as if i was possessed.My T said first i have PTSD ,then she said i have a bit of everything then she said she thinks i just have depression and anxiety and maybe ADD.
I was abused emotionally ,extremely psychologically,a bit physically by dad and mum especially dad .I told my T i used not to understand people and now i do,,,i was not with u(with the rest of the people) and i wonder where i was as if i've been sleeping somewhere far all my life ...also i never existed and i existed as somebody else (a narcissist) and that i have quiteness in my head i never experienced as if there was noise before but i never knew this except when i had this quiteness....i had almost all the traits of NPD,Schizotypal,Saddist,avoidant,paranoia,depression,anxiety and something like a learning dissability(not ADD) and i say 'like' coz i don't know what it is..i couldn't take information from people ,register it at the same time and process it. couldn't read my stories and novels at school..couldn't write a simple paragraph about any topic and could not UNDERSTAND....i was empty,no sence of self, was a robot..suddenly i started to communicate a bit with people and understand people and not make them upset with me...before i was always stuck and i was tortured and i have huge quiteness in my head,,, i tried to remeber what happened because this is craziness,,,,then i remembered one day i was driving the car and started to tell myself: u want to cry,,cry cry......i started to cry then again i said to myself :who r u,,u don't know anything about urself ,people know things about themselves,u don't even know what u want to drink when u go out,,,u r nothing,,,then said(not sure if this was me) what does that mean, i am not strong(REALIZING and crying) was i seeing the world through dad's eyes(screaming and crying) could it be possible that i was confused from immitating people behaviour all my life...ok who i am?(i quickly looked back at my life and i always knew myself like the narcissit!)what does that mean ,,i never existed(REALIZATION and crying)...the dramatic improvement started after this incident and the great quiteness..this year is the most beautiful year in my life...but lately i've been experiencing some questioning things,,,like i noticed i am forgetting a bit in the last 5 years which is the same time i was improving,,,also i noticed that i've always lost time but was unaware but i never wore something i don't remeber or said/made things i don't remember...i just sit still in my place and i don't know where my head is...first i describrd it as if i am thinking in void and didn't want anyone to interrupt me then i discovered i was thinking about something but when i try to know ,,i don't.....until 2 days ago i was away with my head thinking about something then when i realized i only quickly heard random words...but to my surprise i was not in this conversation there were as if people talking and i just got words like apple, sheep....then a few seconds later i found as if a squirrel in my head saying hi!!!...i remembered once i mentioned to my boyfriend disturbing dreams i had years ago...i am a straight girl...i dreamt for sometime that i am sleeping with a girl,,,or i'm a girl with the male reproductive organ sleeping with a girl,,,or something not clear sleeping with a girl ,,and my toe in a womans vagina!! during this period i never dreamt once i was a girl sleeping with a man...also i remember few times i watched lesbians and gays on the internet and i hated myself after it and didn't know why i did this
i want to mention my memory is ok,,never did things or people told me things that i don't remember doing...can any one relate ,,,also anyone experienced the first part i mentioned in the message about as if i was possessed?
thank you for your time

Hi, I just wanted to say i'll try to reply to your post later - i just wanted to give you a quick reply so you know someone is listening, cause your post sounded quite frantic, but need time to sit down & read all that!

thank u katana...i tried to make the msg short as possible and skipped things..
so i never existed and i was not in the world of other people and HUGE quiteness in my head that i never experienced.....what does this mean???
then now i feel i'm getting crazy and feel like i will discover others in my head!
so what happened before which was a great progress and what is happenening now?

angel123 wrote:thank u katana...i tried to make the msg short as possible and skipped things..
so i never existed and i was not in the world of other people and HUGE quiteness in my head that i never experienced.....what does this mean???
then now i feel i'm getting crazy and feel like i will discover others in my head!
so what happened before which was a great progress and what is happenening now?

Do you mean you were somewhere inside your head, not outside, or just that you felt like you suddenly existed? How do you mean when you say you existed as someone else? Do you mean someone else was living your life and you weren't there, or that you felt you were someone else and have changed? By quietness do you mean you couldn't hear anyone else in your head or something else?

when you talk about about possessed, i have felt as if i wasn't really in control of what i said and did, but was saying and doing things anyway, sometimes things that i really didn't want to say! is that what you mean?

I aways felt inferior and at the same time narcissist and asaddist...was even antisocial when i was young and my T confirmed that.could not understand people or relate to them and had extreme social anxiety, and learning difficulty....SUDDENLY i started improving as if there was a cover/veil on my head that is removed (after the car incident)..
Do you mean you were somewhere inside your head, not outside, or just that you felt like you suddenly existed?
i was always inside but as if someone took over my WHOLE life and put me aside to the extent that i never existed(as a self not body) with my own characteristics because when i think who i am i look back at my life and the first thing i remember about me i was 6 years old and existed as this thing that as if it possessed me so as if i was never developed or continue my development with my own characteristics,(i was showing most of the symptoms of NPD,schizotypal,avoidant,obssessive compulsive personality disorder,anxiety ,depression,learning difficulties)...then as if something left me and i suddenly woke up to a new world and seeing things differently especially people and felt as if everybody around me telling me :hello welcome to our world!(so before as if i was living in another world,,,,could that be because of the schizotypal symptoms that left too?)
**trigger-religion**
i remember now too i mentioned to my T last session that i got angry and hated to listen to my abraham religion book and had ugly thoughts i couldn't control telling ugly words about god and the prophet.....i still feel the presence of this but as if it is far away and i am controlling the situation now....but at the same time i also feel more connected to my body now as if i was not connected to it,,,like when i touch things i feel them more as if before i didn't feel them,,also girls used to say when they had their period,they felt at least some pain the first day and i used to feel NOTHING(having my period like not having it and thought there was something wrong with me),,,then now i feel pain when i get my period. when i had fever or anything wrong with my body i don't know except when it becomes serious,,,now i do
also all the way i had mood swings(still do) and i feel i change but i am aware of it

By quietness do you mean you couldn't hear anyone else in your head or something else?
i just have huge quiteness and don't know the reason...really huge and PEACE with myself
well i've always speaken to my self but thought i was just speaking out loud and normal to do...i still do this but i don't critisize myself anymore and no negative talks...i always sit in my room start thinking and time passes and if i don't have something to do i can stay like this for hours staring and things going in my head that i don't know (i still do this but not for hours just for few minutes and if someone talk to me ,i can concentrate with him,,before i got angry if someone interrupted me when i am staring thinking and i just move my head and wanted them to leave me thinkinking in whatever i was thinking of )but i always sit still in my place and never went to places that i don't remember how i got there or wore clothes i don't remember or people tell me things that don't remember saying.my memory was excellent ,i remembered what happened last week in the exact hour....i noticed now i start to have like a gray shadow on all my life that i always had a good memory of and feel like i will lose part of it(uptil now i remember everything)

when you talk about about possessed, i have felt as if i wasn't really in control of what i said and did, but was saying and doing things anyway, sometimes things that i really didn't want to say! is that what you mean?
no i meant someone else was in control of my life(i feel it could still be present but it's so far away).......but on the way yes i have felt as if i was saying and doing things , sometimes things that i really didn't want to say

angel123 wrote:I aways felt inferior and at the same time narcissist and asaddist...was even antisocial when i was young and my T confirmed that.could not understand people or relate to them and had extreme social anxiety, and learning difficulty....SUDDENLY i started improving as if there was a cover/veil on my head that is removed (after the car incident)..

OK, well i had a few PDs too - not officially dxed, (people keep unofficially telling me so then resfusing to help lol.) but I can relate to that, things suddenly changing. i didn't have any learning difficulties but there were things that were massive changes, feelings that weren't there on the outside for the first 20something years of my life. I get what you mean with feeling like you had something over your head and it being pulled off so you could see. I felt a lot like that too.

angel123 wrote:i was always inside but as if someone took over my WHOLE life and put me aside to the extent that i never existed(as a self not body) with my own characteristics because when i think who i am i look back at my life and the first thing i remember about me i was 6 years old and existed as this thing that as if it possessed me so as if i was never developed or continue my development with my own characteristics,

I have had so many feelings of "where am I, what am I doing here, where did my life go" as various child parts of me have come out, - and yes I was there all the time, but not all of me was there - some parts of me had never been "out" since they split, and i can sort of relate to what you are saying there, and i can relate to that feeling of having been gone, cause that's how those parts of me felt. i hope you feel ok, it can really hurt to feel that way.

angel123 wrote:(i was showing most of the symptoms of NPD,schizotypal,avoidant,obssessive compulsive personality disorder,anxiety ,depression,learning difficulties)...then as if something left me and i suddenly woke up to a new world and seeing things differently especially people and felt as if everybody around me telling me :hello welcome to our world!(so before as if i was living in another world,,,,could that be because of the schizotypal symptoms that left too?)

well... dissociation can make you feel like you are "not really here". i certainly felt that way a lot. the dissociation has been on-and-off at different levels depending how much ive needed to dissociate. when the DID first came out I'd get periods of feeling more or less dissociative depending which parts of me were "out", and after I integrated i had a lot of "normal" dissociation kicking in to help me cope.

schizotypal symptoms... i guess it would depend what sort of schizotypal symptoms they were, but yes i guess you would feel more connected with the rest of the world without those. - can share if you like.

i can relate to one side of that a little - i did have one alter who was a very inside alter, who would "be there" without really being connected to the outside world, so the effect resembled the kind of daydreaming you might get in AvPD, SPD or StPD. to her, what was in her imagination was all there was and all she knew, so she believed some strange stuff.

do you feel like they were welcoming you cause you weren't really there before, or also cause you felt more connected - or both, or something else?

angel123 wrote:i remember now too i mentioned to my T last session that i got angry and hated to listen to my abraham religion book and had ugly thoughts i couldn't control telling ugly words about god and the prophet.....i still feel the presence of this but as if it is far away and i am controlling the situation now.

If you have dissociated parts or alters they may feel differently about religion than you do. you might need to accept that another part of you feels a different way, and realise you are free to still continue to read your holy book, but you might need to be open to the idea religion might upset another part of you or alter for some reason.

angel123 wrote:i just have huge quiteness and don't know the reason...really huge and PEACE with myself

this reminds me of how i felt when my alters came out and at times there was a sense of wholeness and intense relief, there was something very freeing and cathartic about how i felt.

angel123 wrote:well i've always speaken to my self but thought i was just speaking out loud and normal to do...i still do this but i don't critisize myself anymore and no negative talks...i always sit in my room start thinking and time passes and if i don't have something to do i can stay like this for hours staring and things going in my head that i don't know (i still do this but not for hours just for few minutes and if someone talk to me ,i can concentrate with him) but i always sit still in my place and never went to places that i don't remember how i got there or wore clothes i don't remember or people tell me things that don't remember saying.my memory was excellent ,i remembered what happened last week in the exact hour....i noticed now i start to have like a gray shadow on all my life that i always had a good memory of and feel like i will lose part of it(uptil now i remember everything)

Talking to yourself out loud isn't really all that unusual, i think a lot of people do that! not talking negatively or criticising yourself any more is a good thing.

sitting still there may not be switching, but might be dissociation. that can happen with things like DID, DDNOS, and with PDs too. I had something like this too, but then looked up in the mirror and realised the way i was sitting there, i looked exactly like an upset child (the way i was sitting, expression on my face etc,) so i was experiencing it as "just sitting there," but discovered that wasn't what was really going on. If you really are "just sitting there" you can "dissociate" without DID too.

is the grey shadow you're talking about something to do with what's happening with the memory gaps now, or is this something else?

angel123 wrote:no i meant someone else was in control of my life(i feel it could still be present but it's so far away).......but on the way yes i have felt as if i was saying and doing things , sometimes things that i really didn't want to say

that bit does sound quite dissociative, but i'm no doctor so that's only coming from me as a person who's had some similar-ish experiences with dissociation.

- some of the other things,

if you have DID or something related, gender confusion is very common - i've had some similar experiences too, try not to worry about that, it will make more sense to you later when you are ready for it to.

A squirrel! That's unusual! Did you like squirrels as a kid or watching any kids programmes with a squirrel in them?

I had a dog for a while, it didn't talk to me, (it didn't talk at all, was just friendly and affectionate.) i became it, for a long time it was the only way i could relate on anything approaching an emotional & vulnerable level i miss the dog... lol, but then i remember its still part of me, just not separate any more.

I don't want to try to tell you if you have DID or not, i can't do that, and obviously it could be something else, but you're welcome to keep chatting and see what you think. i know it can be pretty confusing as its all going on.

hope you're doing ok.

this sounds exactly like me except my memory is terrible on most things and perfect on few like where id placed something or where id seen an object. and i disassociate without meaning to, i apparently keep doing what i was doing but I'm just not there and have no recollection afterward of anything except the time lapse. its embarrassed me for years to the point that I'm afraid to leave my own home. i have no idea whats been wrong with me all this time but I'm finally able to put the bits and pieces that i remember together enough to go to a mental health center.

hi Katana,
thank you very much and i appreciate your time for reading and replying to my post..May god bless you(don't mean and sorry if that offends)
I went to my T today and told her the rest of my post here and she said she thinks i'm psychotic and have depression.....she asked me to do the assessment,,ive been seeing her for 8 sessions and i didn't want to take the assessment because when i went to her everything was upside down and i was exploring everything and and as if seeing things differently and for the same time so i told her i need sometime to understand what is going on as i'm sure if i did this assessmet ,a week later it will be different(i was right but she disagrees and she says she knows her work and i really don't want to interfere but i saw her first right after when i discovered i never existed ) anyway i think of taking the assessment in 2 weeks. I also think to see another therapist.

do you feel like they were welcoming you cause you weren't really there before, or also cause you felt more connected - or both, or something else?

i meant the peolpe in the outside world were welcoming me ....but now i got the idea and thinking of the possibility that if there is anybody in my head then it could be them!
i feel they were welcoming me because i wasn't really before

i noticed now i start to have like a gray shadow on all my life that i always had a good memory of and feel like i will lose part of it(uptil now i remember everything)

is the grey shadow you're talking about something to do with what's happening with the memory gaps now, or is this something else?

i am still exploring this but what i know now is as if i'm like forgetting a bit about my life(which was as if possessed by someone else) which i have good memory of uptil today,,also i started to forget much how narcissists act and i had excelllent knowledge about this.

some of the other things,
A squirrel! That's unusual! Did you like squirrels as a kid or watching any kids programmes with a squirrel in them?

No and that's why i'm surprised too as it's inusual:)

hope you're doing ok.

I am ok thank you very much...

hi lostinsarahtopia,
I hope you r ok ..I've been reading in general in this forum and everyone seem nice and supportive around here..it's good to know you are not alone and great u r considering to see a therapist.Sorry i'm not a native english speaker so i hope my words reach you:)

honestly Ive never been ok, which is why Ive tried to figure things out on my own enough to be able to help a professional to figure it out as well. I'm so zombified that its hard for anyone to realized whats wrong. my family and friends just keep repeating I'm sane and functional but anyone could be sane and functional and still have an unknown disorder. I'm actually excited to go see mental health in two days. is it odd that i feel like getting put away in an institution would be helpful on top of a vacation from my own reality. i hope everything gets better on your end as well.