The Demon Inside -Violence Trigger Warning?-

(I'll warn you ahead of time, with the new rules, I do not know what it triggering or isn't considering I don't have DID myself, and generally Johann has never had a trigger to anything other than things that remind him of the night his father passed away. If a mod finds anything I post to sound triggering, please correct me, otherwise I will do my best to decipher, and I apologize to anyone in advance. For now I'm just going to label this forum as a trigger for safety.)

Rant warning, I have a tendency to babble on. =\

I have discussed in my account blog (7/27/11 - New names and a 'death' in the 'family') and (7/29/11 - Surprise, IT isn't really dead!) about the recent going ons with Johann's system, because I don't want to spam the forums when I'm not asking for advice (so feel free to comment on the blogs themselves if you so choose). Since the two most recent blog entries may be extremely triggering (particularly the second one), I'll try to summarize in a lighter sense.

Last Wednesday without warning, Johnny (the gatekeeper) decided to release the remaining fragment of a former destructive alter from Johann's childhood from it's captivity. An alter that HIM (known now as Jack) had tried (and failed) to destroy because he was afraid it would land them in jail one day because of it's violent intent. The fragment, known simply as IT turned out to be just as violent as HIM had tried to warn me about, and proceeded to attack the alters one by one starting with ripping out HIM's heart (the body's last line of defense, and the strongest) in front of me, knocking out Johann (the host) by kicking him in the head (didn't need to kill Johann, the host isn't a fighter), and stabbing Johnny (body's first line of defense) in the throat in a way that would kill him slowly and force him to 'watch what he had done' in releasing IT. Johnny, before IT got to him, convinced Kiddo (second line of defense) to run away and protect the others (Ecchi and Chibi).

Unable to find the other three because they were nowhere near where IT was in their 'world', IT decided to set it's sights on me before someone stabbed IT in the heart multiple times and it fell over the floor of Johann's room dead. Chibi, called me over to them by referring to me as 'Mommy' (as he always does), and then using a voice that sounded more like a more innocent and child-like version of the host's voice (not his own) explained that he had known this was going to happen, and that was why he existed - to vanquish the dark spirit from their mind. Realizing by maturity level difference that I wasn't actually talking to Chibi, I nicknamed him Luke, and Luke explained how he was the core personality, only that he had died a long time ago (mental suicide) and had sealed his remaining 'spirit' inside one of the two splits he created early in his life (prior to their father's death) - Chibi (the other split being HIM).

Luke woke Johann from his unconscious state and they along with Ecchi and Kiddo managed to heal HIM (who in wanting to be nothing like IT, decided to pick the name Jack) and Johnny. And everything was fine after that.

...everything was fine until Friday morning when Jack started complaining that the scar over his heart was in immense pain (to the point that the emotionally detached alter was actually whimpering in pain). Jack realized and warned me that IT wasn't actually dead, and had as Luke had done with Chibi, leapt inside him before it could be fully destroyed. Soon enough, IT made itself known again but turned it's sights on me again rather than going after the others (which it could not do while in Jack's body because Jack was trying to fight him off). However, it gave me a less violent approach this time, and after seeming to talk some things over with me, claimed it would die quietly and release Jack. Which it did, and Jack fell into possession again. Jack told me that there was a body on the ground in front of him, which he believed to be IT's remains. He asked me what to do with them, and I replied that he should throw it in the 'hole' (explained in my other posts as a void where all of the bad things in their life go. It's a pit of sorrow where an alter goes when they hit rockbottom. It mainly replays the memory of their father's death set on repeat to anyone who enters it).

Well, sure enough Jack goes back to check the hole five minutes later, but rather than finding a dead body he finds an almost-human-looking younger version of himself. So he decides, with my agreement, to pull it out of the hole. IT, now seemed to have contracted a human heart (or some form of attachment to Johann's after viewing that memory) though had maintained his dark personality, and continues to feel no remorse in the pain he caused the others. He agreed to stick around but out of everyone's way, despite Jack insisting he could not. (Jack does not normally begrudge anyone for longer than five minutes before he cools off and lets it go, but he isn't letting IT's killing him go.)

Well, later on in the day I was able to use my alter-ego MK to lure him out, and oddly enough he seemed to like her, and quite possibly to be in love with her (if he knows what 'love' is). Realizing that he had no name, MK decided to call him Dante. I realize that MK is just me with a slightly more innocent and motherly vibe about her, and is not a split of my mind like Dante is for Johann, but is more of a split of my overall personality. MK was created when I was thirteen in order to put on a happy facade in school when in reality I was suicidal and being pulled back and forth between divorced parents. Almost like I turned myself into my childhood imaginary friend, so to speak, but control of my thoughts and actions are always my own. My only fear is that Dante is going to end up like Jack did when I had to get rid of Ari (a former alter-ego of mine whom he was in love with), and flip out and try to kill people again. MK is more me than Ari was, when I envision her in my head, she looks like a shorter and cutesier version of me. Unlike Ari, I doubt MK will ever be erased, but the concern is still there.

Anyway, yesterday was Johann and I's nine month anniversary, but Johann and I had to work, and Johann didn't get home until 12:30AM. But then Dante decided he wanted to spend the night with MK, and Dante is not co-conscious with the other seven (and a half) because they do not trust him for an instant (specifically Jack) after what he did to them. Needless to say, Johann came in my room to wake me up this morning and goes, 'Uh...honey? Do you...remember anything that happened last night?' 'Yes? Why?' 'Because I don't...did I fall asleep? Oh my god, did I fall asleep on our anniversary??' 'No, honey, you didn't.' 'Then why can't I remember??' '...because Dante was out?' '...b*stard.It was supposed to be our anniversary! Why the hell didn't you tell him to leave so we could spend time together??' 'Because you aren't co-conscious of each other's actions, and you guys won't speak to him because you don't trust him, remember?' 'But it's an anniversary we'll never get back! ...I'm going to kill him.' 'Yes Jack, I know...and no you're not.' 'I'm going. to. kill him.'

Needless to say, whatever bonds were blocking Dante from becoming co-conscious broke (? so he claimed) and the two got into a battle, wherein Dante stabbed Jack in the heart with his talons (again, but not deep enough to actually reach his heart), and proceeded to attempt to strangle him before 'MK' begged him not to kill him. Dante relented and relinquished whatever control he presently had (it was like some awkward kind of co-existence between the two of them while they were fighting) to Jack and went back to his little hut on the island beside the hole (far away from the house the others live in). Jack claimed he didn't trust him and that the first wrong move he made he was going to find a way to kill him.

Now, if you made it through this whole rant, congratulations and thank you so much, haha. If not, just skip to my questions, no hard feelings, I realize I'm long-winded and boring. c;

What exactly can I do about Dante? Even MK cannot convince him that he is a piece of Johann's system, nor will the others believe it. He claims to be a ten thousand year old shapeshifter demon who lived through many wars (even recounted some of his experiences and how he went about it) and claims that he only knows how to hurt and kill people. He claims now that he has a human heart the dark urges have been stifled, but that he's afraid that if he loses his temper, he'll snap. (I've already observed, as MK, that when angered he'll start growling and snarling out angry Latin phrases - and Johann himself doesn't speak a lick of Latin, nor did he ever take it in school. I took Latin for a month or so in high school, but that doesn't exactly help me when it comes to whatever he's saying...)

I also don't have any idea what Dante is representing. All seven of the other alters (with all their different memories) all insist they were never physically abused in any sense as a child by anyone, unless you count getting into fights with classmates at school. But Johnny and Jack were created back then to defend against those bullies. I just can't figure out what Dante is, and I can't pry into him like I can with the others because everyone insists he isn't one of them.

There have been others here who are dealing with "demon" alters. Looks like none are active here now, but perhaps a search of the forum archive would be helpful? I could mention some books and some authors but I think if this were my problem right now I would seek a consultation by phone or in person with a DID specialist.

I wouldn't know who to ask to be honest...=\

Things in Johann's system change so rapidly, and it's beginning to happen on practically a daily basis. It used to be that we'd discover something new like, once every two weeks, or possibly twice a month. Now it's at least once a week, and sometimes every two days or less than that. I can't figure out where it's coming from. Is there a trigger? If there is, Johnny and Jack are certainly being stubborn in not making me aware of it so that I can (try to) prevent it. Because at this rate, three new alters have made themselves known all within a week. One of which was a fragment (Little Johann) that were given alter form by Johnny (whom the fragment resided inside), one of which was supposed to be forever dormant (Luke, the core who resides inside Chibi). And the other of which was a fragment (IT) of an alter who had been attempt-killed, turned into a fragment and kept under lock and key, was released by the gatekeeper, and was now accidentally made back into an alter again (Dante) without Jack's help.

It's hard enough for me to drag Johann to my therapist once a week with me, even when the therapist only talks to me. Johnny is very slowly coming out of his shell to the therapist because the therapist found out about him (long story), so Johnny can't exactly hide from him. Jack is keeping everyone else under close eye around the therapist and will not allow him to know about them. So needless to say, I can only convince Johann and Johnny to get help. In some sense, Jack needs it more than Johnny does, but at the same time Johnny is the emotionally unstable one. Yet in trying to counsel everyone in the system, Johann and I end up blaming everyone's issues on Johnny just to see how the therapist reacts. For example, my therapist asked, "So...why does Johnny exist?" and Johann (because I could tell from their body language that Johnny froze up at being addressed outright like that) replied that Johnny was created in early childhood to defend him from bullies and kids who picked fights with him. Not exactly a lie, because it was what Johnny was created to do, however, this explanation would have better suited Jack because Johnny didn't become the body's defender until 1997 when HIM (Jack) went dormant out of trauma. Which makes me question why Johnny went on to share one of Jack's memories from 1994 with my therapist...unless Johnny is the keeper of that memory. I dunno, I'm still confused.

About Dante again...this evening he deliberately sneaked into Kiddo's room after Kiddo had gone to bed and jumped out all demon-like at him - which was particularly bad because as has been proved with Little Johann's existence, everyone in the system is afraid of the dark, especially the kids and the host. Needless to say Kiddo ran out and started clinging to me all scared as heck while Dante just laughed manically at him. Jack told Dante he didn't want him anywhere near their house again or he'd kill him, but I never did learn whether or not Dante obeyed that warning because I didn't hear from him again for the rest of the evening. I only learned that Dante obtained access to their house while at work this evening because they apparently needed Dante's help at work today (nine hours working out in the sun with no breaks does not do them well), and apparently Dante agreed to it. However, he's taking advantage of the co-consciousness and I'm starting to think he was better of separate from the system. I don't want another Jack/Dante showdown one is eventually going to end the other...

Reviving an old topic of mine.

Dante went dormant for a while and then came back last week. Dante seems to have mellowed out a lot. He claims he wants to change and be like the others, but he still holds little attachment to any of the memories or people that are close to Johann. But Dante made it rather clear to me tonight that he wants to change from his "evil" ways and co-exist with the others and me, even if he isn't much like them at all. The others and I are more than willing to take him up on the offer...

But something went wrong later in the night. Dante isn't 'alone' in his 'body'. There's like...a separate fragment that still insists on acting the way Dante did the first time I met him. I told the other Dante I was going to call him IT again because Dante is Dante, and IT is the old Dante. IT doesn't particularly care for me or anything at all...all he wants is to have s** with me and he says he'll leave the rest of us alone. But I can't take him up on that kind of offer. In the meantime, Dante is mentally trying to fend IT off and out of his thought process, because when IT takes control of Dante's 'body' he can take control of Johann's physical body...and because he's stronger than the others, Dante is the only one who can pull him out of possession. I witnessed as much tonight.

I don't know what to do. I really want to believe that Dante has changed, but with the whole IT still being here thing...I have to wonder if either Dante and It are the same person still and Dante is lying so the rest of us will drop our guard, or if Dante is sincere about beginning to love me and wanting to stop IT for good. I guess time will tell. =\

Self, don't read this. I mean it!

Arabella is like IT.

trigger warning- worst of the abuse

Arabella came to be in the basement crawlspace. Jill was host at the time. Dad came into her room and I took over like always. I have another half of me- Samantha. Samantha is the sexual side of me. Samantha took the sexual abuse, I fought and ran.

So he came in, I took over. Samantha's primary job was to lie still, take the abuse until we could get in a spot to fight. As soon as the chance came, I would kick him in the throat, head butt his nose, stuff like that.

But this time Samantha went limp and pretended to sleep- that was the norm. He didn't just start undressing her. He picked her up and carried her out of the room. At first we thought he was just carrying us to the couch in the basement. That sucked but Sam and I had it covered. He didn't. He took us to the crawlspace of the basement. I toook over.

I couldn't take anymore. Sam vanished. Arabella showed up.

Arabella claimed to be a demon. Dad was roman catholic. It scared him. Arabella smashed him in the head with a rock. She nearly killed him. He never touched us like that again.

Chances are IT went through a war of his own. The worst abuse imaginable. Downright torture. Arabella is still a demon. She isn't really, but thinks she is. You have to convince IT he isn't evil.

I assume this is Jackie telling me this, right? (If it isn't, on behalf of whoever posted before me, I suggest Self still not read it) Because you're the one who's closest to Arabella?

Arabella doesn't sound like a demon to me (I mean, it's perfectly understandable why she thinks she is, that's not what I meant), she sounds like a protector. Sure, she came out and hurt your father and probably tried to scare him off with some seemingly anti-religion stuff. But it sounds like that was because that day (or night?) you and Samantha couldn't. It sounds like Arabella was protecting you, Samantha, and Jill.

Jill told me you were trying to absorb Arabella's memories. Do you believe that Arabella split from you, do you just want her memories, or do you just want to possibly merge with her? I just ask out of curiosity because I'm wondering where you're coming from.

Is Samantha still with you somewhere? I haven't heard Self mention her before, does she just not know about her?

ashesoflife wrote:Chances are IT went through a war of his own. The worst abuse imaginable. Downright torture. Arabella is still a demon. She isn't really, but thinks she is. You have to convince IT he isn't evil.

That's the thing...I don't know where IT got the idea that he's a demon. Johann wasn't abused as a child, we know for a fact that isn't why the other alters in his mind exist. Everyone has the same (or relatively similar) memories. Their existence is due to neglect and traumatic experiences different alters witnessed at earlier ages. (Arguments between parents, their father's death, a car crash they were in...etc)

I don't know where Dante or IT came from. Dante either doesn't know or isn't telling me. Dante doesn't have Johann's memories. That's the strange thing. It's almost like he has someone else's memories. Dante doesn't consider himself Johann, IT doesn't consider himself Dante even though they're in the same mental body. Dante claims IT is more or less a mental manifestation of his anger. I don't know what Dante or IT has to be angry about, though...

TRIGGER WARNING ON WHOLE POST

MK91 wrote:I assume this is Jackie telling me this, right?

I'm Jackie. Self is gone for a while. She is "in training" with Azel. He is going to take her into the real inner world. The Woods is just Seed's safe place. Long story there.

Arabella doesn't sound like a demon to me (I mean, it's perfectly understandable why she thinks she is, that's not what I meant), she sounds like a protector.

She is a protector. Like me but way more hardcore. Father was going to torture and murder body that night in the crawlspace. She nearly killed him.

Protectors in our system work like this- you get sent out. Protectors watch everything- I mean everything the body does. Protectors know what is going on every second of everyday. When another other retreats inside, the body can't be left on it's own in a dangerous situation. That is where we come in.

In the basement though, I couldn't take it. I left the body to die. There was nothing more I could do. Then I watched as something else took the body. Turns out it was Arabella. I watched for a bit but couldn't stand to see what was happening. I left too. Dad was going to sacrifice the body. When Azel sent Arabella out, he had just made her. Like with me, I was made to fight then run then hide. Simple. There was no running out of there. I couldn't fight anymore. Arabella came in fresh. She found strength in the body I didn't know the body was capable of. She turned the tables on him.

She had him in the fetal position, crying, begging for mercy, and was about to slit hit throat with the knife he brought in.

Protectors work in ranges. Once a protector gets the body to a safe range, switches happen. It happens for fear, anger, happiness, sadness- all the emotions have a range. Well Arabella got the body safely back into my range. Azel sent me back out. I dropped the knife, ran to the bedroom, locked the door, put the dresser in front of it. Then someone else took over. I got to rest. That was Arabella's one and only show but she is still here.

Jill told me you were trying to absorb Arabella's memories. Do you believe that Arabella split from you, do you just want her memories, or do you just want to possibly merge with her? I just ask out of curiosity because I'm wondering where you're coming from.

No no no no no. Self can't take Arabella's memories. I can. I am doing with Arabella like Self did for Molly. It isn't easy, but I am processing them to my level. I don't think I can merge with anyone. I'm basically dilluting the memories of that night to make them safer. Arabella scares the $#%^ out a lot of people in here. If we can get rid of the flames, she could be useful.

Arabella isn't a demon. Neither is IT.

Is Samantha still with you somewhere? I haven't heard Self mention her before, does she just not know about her?

Self doesn't know a lot. Her list of people in the system is ###$. She lists some I don't know though. Jill knows people I have never seen. Only Azel knows all of them.

That's the thing...I don't know where IT got the idea that he's a demon. Johann wasn't abused as a child, we know for a fact that isn't why the other alters in his mind exist. Everyone has the same (or relatively similar) memories. Their existence is due to neglect and traumatic experiences different alters witnessed at earlier ages. (Arguments between parents, their father's death, a car crash they were in...etc)

I don't know where Dante or IT came from. Dante either doesn't know or isn't telling me. Dante doesn't have Johann's memories. That's the strange thing. It's almost like he has someone else's memories. Dante doesn't consider himself Johann, IT doesn't consider himself Dante even though they're in the same mental body. Dante claims IT is more or less a mental manifestation of his anger. I don't know what Dante or IT has to be angry about, though...

I asked Azel. IT has a purpose and someone in the system knows what it is. There is something your boyfriend doesn't know yet. IT is tied to Dante. Someone has to get through to Dante to find out what happened.

YOURE MEDDLING WITH DANGER!!!!!!!!!

I asked Azel. IT has a purpose and someone in the system knows what it is. There is something your boyfriend doesn't know yet. IT is tied to Dante. Someone has to get through to Dante to find out what happened.

I totally agree with mystic...Be very careful. Ashes, I get that your coming from a place of love and support, but your Azel does not have access to Johann's system to know whether "IT has purpose", "if someone knows" what that purpose is, and whether or not finding "out what happened" is a safe thing to do for the entire system at this time.

Just my thoughts....It's the holiday season, a really rough time for most of us, taking on/exposing the nature of IT might be a better task to endeaver upon in April and hopefully only with a really solid safety plan in place. I share my thoughts with you not in judgement but in true support. I have personal experience with "forcing" exposure, in my case an unknown self-destruct trigger was unintentionally switched which resulted not only a new host (me-kero) but serious loss of thrust within my system that has taken years to rebuild.

Be very careful, be very safe and know I mean no disrespect
Kero

Kero wrote:I totally agree with mystic...Be very careful. Ashes, I get that your coming from a place of love and support, but your Azel does not have access to Johann's system to know whether "IT has purpose", "if someone knows" what that purpose is, and whether or not finding "out what happened" is a safe thing to do for the entire system at this time.

Just my thoughts....It's the holiday season, a really rough time for most of us, taking on/exposing the nature of IT might be a better task to endeaver upon in April and hopefully only with a really solid safety plan in place. I share my thoughts with you not in judgement but in true support. I have personal experience with "forcing" exposure, in my case an unknown self-destruct trigger was unintentionally switched which resulted not only a new host (me-kero) but serious loss of thrust within my system that has taken years to rebuild.

Be very careful, be very safe and know I mean no disrespect
Kero

I agree. MK, please do not listen to Jackie. She did ask Azel but that is not what he told her. He said "IT is not a demon. It has a purpose and that purpose will make itself known when the inner guardian deems it time."

Do not push matter such as this.

I kindly ask the moderates of the forum to please remove the previous posts made by this account in this thread. Jackie's actions both here and within are destructive to progress.

Miranda has placed an order that participation in this or any other forum about inner world off limits to all in our system. ~Doc