PTSD stuff *possible triggers*

I've been rather calm and not suffering from PTSD symptoms for the last month, but now I just went to read my personal email, which I've neglected for a week and seeing some emails related to my previous job made me terribly nervous and caused this nasty and scared feeling in my stomach. To shed some light on the background, I left the job before my previous job because I was harassed by a stalker there (in 2008), and although I got psychological counseling and first aid medication for the panic symptoms due to this incident it wasn't helpful enough. But I was told that it was, and I tried to go on and forget about it even though I had constant fearful thoughts about stalker for the rest of the time I worked there, every day many times a day and even at home after work.

I got a new employment contract right after the six months that I spent struggling with this fear in the said workplace, but it was too much for me and when there was a chance to start working elsewhere I left that job. Needless to say that my boss wasn't happy, but I was unable to tell him I did it because everything about that workplace reminded me of the stalker and I couldn't handle it. Now the incident was rather harmless when you look at it objectively, but something about it was very disturbing -- probably triggering for me, since there are events in my past both as kid and adult that have made me very sensitive to this type of attacks. And I left that work place feeling that I was a traitor, my boss kind of let me understand that it had been unethical of me to not to tell about my plans to apply to another work.

Anyway, the new job was very disappointing in some respects, and in my opinion our team wasn't as harmonious as we pretended it to be. There was a facade of smoothness under which things were wrong, not in a harmful way, but in a way that was very unmotivating. As a worker I couldn't develop my work at all and so on. After working there for two years I had to go to psychological counselling again because I had no motivation and was feeling very anxious at work for being inefficient and unmotivated and having to hide it the best I could. Well I don't actually know why I'm telling you all this. The vibe in our team in some respects reminded me of my childhood family, where we all tried to make things look better than what they did, and where kids were helpless because there was no democracy.

Add a stressful attack from a new and unexpected stalker this spring to the unmotivating and tense atmosphere at work, and I was a nervous wreck. More counselling, and I got the recommendation to see the psychiatrist. Which I havent done yet, since my current work is extremely busy and during the summer season I've been in charge alone there. I like it though, but probably only because I've been there for such a short time that I haven't yet developed the usual job-related negative feelings.
But now I go to read my inbox and see an unopened email from my ex boss, dated in June, and my stress level goes up to the level of getting panic symptoms. I saw from the email title it was about something that we had already talked about then, but I didn't remember seeing it before.
Sorry, I just needed to rant. It's just so frustrating.

under ice - I've been rather calm and not suffering from PTSD symptoms for the last month, but now I just went to read my personal email, which I've neglected for a week and seeing some emails related to my previous job made me terribly nervous and caused this nasty and scared feeling in my stomach.

I can understand that and hate that feeling! It's like being punished where as an adult you should never have to feel that way!

I got a new employment contract right after the six months that I spent struggling with this fear in the said workplace, but it was too much for me and when there was a chance to start working elsewhere I left that job.

You do need to do what right for you!


Anyway, the new job was very disappointing in some respects, and in my opinion our team wasn't as harmonious as we pretended it to be. There was a facade of smoothness under which things were wrong, not in a harmful way, but in a way that was very unmotivating.

Don't most things look nice and smooth until we get too close? I know it usually does for me.


The vibe in our team in some respects reminded me of my childhood family, where we all tried to make things look better than what they did, and where kids were helpless because there was no democracy.

Group dynamics. Many of us are still adult children and our behavior, feelings and actions are unconsciously ruled by our childhood even if we don't remember it. _ I think.. this is just my opinion.

But now I go to read my inbox and see an unopened email from my ex boss, dated in June, and my stress level goes up to the level of getting panic symptoms. I saw from the email title it was about something that we had already talked about then, but I didn't remember seeing it before.

I hurt big time when there is stuff like this or even the bad feelings on the board today. It really hurts, but I never thought of it as PTSD. It's so different from what my little ones have.


I have gone through the feelings you are going through many times and I have never found a way to make it better, other than maybe what you are doing... rant and rave about it. Talk it out and as time passes it hurts less. I wish I could offer more. I am sorry you are hurting! It's like no one understands how much things like this hurt us.

Thanks Tylas!
It's like, no matter how much time passes from certain things that happened in the first half of my life, no matter how far away I go and no matter how different my life is from what it used to be then, and the same thing can be said about my failure of a marriage, the same issues are following me. After my marriage ended in divorce and both of my parents were finally gone, I thought that I can breathe freely again without the feeling of being tainted and forever accused and guilty of things like other people's bad feelings... and being told that I should be able to do something to fix their horribly messy minds and/or lives.

I was always the guilty one either by default or because I couldn't change things for the better, or I did things in the wrong way or wrong order or at wrong time, and generally got all those hostile reactions and emotional punishments from everyone in my family including husband. I thought it will stop, but for some unfortunate reason these two separate and very different cases of stalking are screaming at me that I'm causing it, I deserve it, and it's my karma. There's much more to this that I don't want to go into but basically, I believe that there is something wrong in me and I've caused all the negative reactions that have been directed at me. That's why I stay at home or spend my freetime alone/online as much as possible, because I fear that I can't bear another conflict. I didn't even mention the other times when people have suddenly become aggressive towards me, from 'friends' to complete strangers. Well, the counsellor said that I shouldn't think it's because of me but as you can see, it'sa thought pattern that can't be avoided.

The truth is, I've always tried to do my best. I didn't ask to be treated that way. I didn't mean to do things wrong or hurt other people in any of those cases.
Well, this hasn't anything to do with the email, except that for a while I thought that it was something important that I had forgotten, and there would be some negative consequences.

under ice -
It's like, no matter how much time passes from certain things that happened in the first half of my life, no matter how far away I go and no matter how different my life is from what it used to be then...

I can relate to that. I have been married.... a few times. No need to throw numbers up ..right? I do accept what I did and that I cannot change all those emotions that take control of me and make me do crazy things. All I can do is numb out the feelings for now, but they still hurt!!!!

Maybe some day, but I am getting to old to hope for that and I understand now that pain from childhood does not heal easy! Do you know what I mean? We are still who we are, good things and bad, but to conform to what everyone wants just means we have to go numb. I don't know about you, but I don't know any other way to deal with things?


I was always the guilty one either by default or because I couldn't change things for the better, or I did things in the wrong way or wrong order or at wrong time, and generally got all those hostile reactions and emotional punishments from everyone in my family including husband.


I always feel guilty too like everything is my fault. Maybe others like that we do that so they don't have to be wrong?


I thought it will stop, but for some unfortunate reason these two separate and very different cases of stalking are screaming at me that I'm causing it, I deserve it, and it's my karma.


Finding time to talk to at T is a good idea, but one hour a week is not much time to talk about much. I really like venting on this board too! I hope it helps you. Stalking is scary! I don't know what I would do here!


There's much more to this that I don't want to go into but basically, I believe that there is something wrong in me and I've caused all the negative reactions that have been directed at me.

I always feel that way too. I don't know if it's common in all people. I do know that when an issue comes up, everyone wants to know if its what they did! Perhaps this is common in human nature and exaggerated in those who were abused... in fact, most things seem to be like that?



That's why I stay at home or spend my free-time alone/online as much as possible, because I fear that I can't bear another conflict. I didn't even mention the other times when people have suddenly become aggressive towards me, from 'friends' to complete strangers. Well, the counselor said that I shouldn't think it's because of me but as you can see, it's a thought pattern that can't be avoided.


I stay home too and work from home and like to post online. I don't fear people, but I fear their emotions. If that makes sense. I think we feel that we don't fit in for one reason or another and its less stress to just be alone. I have someone that pops in to save me when I am away from home. She acts all chipper and funny and like she is social. It's odd, but it works. I again don't fear people, but I have a hard time being near them.



The truth is, I've always tried to do my best. I didn't ask to be treated that way. I didn't mean to do things wrong or hurt other people in any of those cases. Well, this hasn't anything to do with the email, except that for a while I thought that it was something important that I had forgotten, and there would be some negative consequences.


Sure it does. I think you feel like someone is trying to control you. That is why I made that earlier statement in another post, that the last thing anyone here needs is to be controlled. We were controlled and abused and not allowed to share our pain as kids. We are very sensitive to all this and it HURTS! The letter I think ----------- is your Ex Boss still trying to Boss you!

Does this make sense?

Yeah, it makes sense.
Maybe I have a problem with authority and control because of the reasons that you suggested.

I remember one specific case from my previous work that added up to my guilt and stress. *work rant, edited*
I was the only one of our team who asked for a meeting in order to get organised on this, ...*more rant, edited*
But it was hard for me because we had very good possibilities and resources that we ended up using in the most inefficient and difficult way imaginable. Although I know I'm right in this, it's just another instance that left me feel stigmatized again and moreover in doubt of my professional skills, adding up my work stress.

Maybe I'm over-critical . I think I've lost the track of my own thoughts here already. But it was like that at work all the time, so no wonder I got depressed and my motivation dived down.

"under ice" - Yeah, it makes sense.
Maybe I have a problem with authority and control because of the reasons that you suggested.


I think most people do, but yes, perhaps abused people do more so. I think we take it as personal criticism and it hurts.

I was the only one of our team who asked for a meeting in order to get organized on this, but the others weren't interested at all and the idea was buried and everything went on like before.

You are like me! I must have things organized to do them!

Finally I opened my mouth and said that we have to reorganize it because of the changes in the market, and since this hasn't been done yet we have no significant news from that sector yet. My boss gave me a dirty look and asked: 'Have we said that you are not allowed to contact them independently in the meantime?' Or something along those lines. 'Well, no but....' and then they started to explain that it doesn't require anything more than to grab the telephone and blah blah.

They don't understand that when something is done it should be done well! I would be with you 100% on this! That does not make us right. My husband always says he likes when I do something because I do it right, but it takes longer and is sure more involved than if someone else does it!


And afterwards my boss sort of blamed me for making a problem out of nothing. And we never made any further plans or anything, because it wasn't 'needed' since something like that could be done 'naturally' on the side of other work. But it was hard for me because we had very good possibilities and resources that we ended up using in the most inefficient and difficult way imaginable. Although I know I'm right in this, it's just another instance that left me feel stigmatized again and moreover in doubt of my professional skills, adding up my work stress.


You would be great being your own boss. That's the only way I can work! I must do things well or I go numb and just sit back and let others do it their so so way. In college I learned to get a good grade I just had to figure out how my teachers brain worked. The same with a boss.

Maybe I'm over-critical . I think I've lost the track of my own thoughts here already. But it was like that at work all the time, so no wonder I got depressed and my motivation dived down.

I am exactly like you! I totally get it!

It helps to know that someone else would have thought the same in that situation, and the problem wasn't necessarily in my attitude. I'm going to edit the post about my work however because it's so detailed . Thanks for support Tylas.

I woke up this Sunday morning thinking of work and other stuff that I'd rather forget on my day off. It's a signal that I'm stressed, and of course my reaction regarding the email is another one. Why must stress remind of itself specifically when you finally have time to rest after a tough week?
Well, at least it's sunny outside, and that's where I'm heading at.

It's very normal for stress to come out when you finally get rest. At this point your mind has the time to actually let go cause you're not in that stressful environment anymore where you have to hold on and be strong. You see this with everyone, I myself (a singleton) have this too. It's a normal coping mechanism and although it can really suck. I would not worry too much about it. Just make sure you get enough sleep and do things you like to deal with the stress that's coming out. It's only a good thing that it's coming out. I haven't read everything you wrote in this topic as Tylas seemed to have done an amazing job with her advice so I just wanted to reply to your last post. You're gonna ponder about what causes the stress anyway, everyone does this. It's like your mind goes in overdrive trying to figuring out how to 'fix' it and why did I react that way etc etc. So go do some things to keep you busy that you like and your stress levels will go down again. When you're stress levels go down your PTSD will be less triggered as well which will make the panic reactions/attacks less.

Onlyme wrote:It's very normal for stress to come out when you finally get rest. At this point your mind has the time to actually let go cause you're not in that stressful environment anymore where you have to hold on and be strong.

That makes a lot of sense and actually gives me a lot of insight into why the ones inside are hurting so much. After seeing my Dad for the first time in 12 years, all kinds of strange things started to happen, and I am guessing that it's the little ones. I can't be sure, but it seems like he/she/they only want to communicate with either my Dad or doctors. Unfortunately I think my Dad's reaction has scared them and embarrassed them so they've gone back inside. I really hope they can learn that this is not because he doesn't love them, it is just because he doesn't understand. I really hope they know that our doctor(therapist) DOES seem to understand a little, and that she really DOES want to help.

Unfortunately some of us were never taught to trust doctors, so this will take time. There's also 1 (or more?) who is afraid of psychologists because of what happened in the psychologists office when we were 10. I don't know how to convince her it was NOT HER FAULT. She is so stuck in believing that she was bad. She's saying "I lied and got Daddy in trouble. I lied and made Emily (our sister) sad. I ruined everybody's lives". But she wasn't lying. She just wasn't told the whole truth. SHE was lied TO. And was manipulated into believing and supporting a LIE. Her mom told her that psychologists are bad. Mom keeps telling ME that too but I don't believe her.

Anyone who knows how to convince a 10 year old that she is not horrible and evil, please help me out.

^^Onlyme is right. I know that everyone no matter whether they are multiple or not have the same thing happening to them.

^Dividedtruth, I think there's a part in me as well who believes that she is bad, and that all this is her fault, and this part is hypersensitive to certain types of situations, which then causes a domino effect throughout my system, or whatever I should call it .

I should get more sleep but it's not that uncomplicated. When my stress levels go high, I just stay up and avoid going to bed. The idea of going to bed feels really bad then. I want to steal time for myself -- I also work when I'm not at work, as a caregiver. I'm actually used to this, having lived many years in the vicious circle of getting stressed and being unable get some rest. Fortunately I don't need much sleep, six hours is enough, but of course it would be better to go earlier to bed.

My first and second posts in this thread contain the essential information about the long-term factors behind my stress. Every time my stress goes away for a while I sort of believe that it never existed, probably due to how good it feels to be okay. But then something happens that reminds me how thin-skinned I am and there I go again.