Getting suicidal due to (possibly) Sophie's feelings.

Hi Kazine,

Just a few thoughts on this... The thing about love or emotional bonding is that the feelings you had towards someone are always going to be there at least a little. If you dated and loved your ex then you probably still do on some level love your ex. The reason this is confusing is you feel like in order to be loyal with your current partner you should have no feelings towards your past partner(s). The key to dealing with this is to recognize that it is okay to still have some feelings towards your old partner, that does not mean you are going to act on those feelings, or that you are not being loyal to your current partner.

Every event you have experienced in your life is somewhere still in your mind. Even if you can't consciously recall them. Your dreaming self was probably just remembering past feelings as if they were the present. Does that make any sense?

A resurfacing of previous thoughts or reactions is referred to in psychology as spontaneous recovery. Here is a good example from wikipedia:
For example, cocaine addicts who are thought to be "cured" can experience an irresistible impulse to use the drug again if they are subsequently confronted by a stimulus with strong connections to the drug, such as a white powder.

All the separate parts of you are still part of a whole. The reason it is so confusing is b/c it is possible to have completely opposite feelings at the same time. I love my ex and at the same time I hate my ex.

4horsegal wrote:All the separate parts of you are still part of a whole. The reason it is so confusing is b/c it is possible to have completely opposite feelings at the same time. I love my ex and at the same time I hate my ex.

That is part of the problem, but with DID it goes beyond that. My own history illustrates this. After breaking up with someone in my 20's, for a few years I had conflicting feelings of hate and longing. Longing for the man I wanted him to be, hate for the man he actually was. But my current situation is different, or at least it was at first. I felt mostly indifferent to a man I hardly know; meanwhile, my Alter 1 was limerent for him and my Alter 2 was suspicious of him. We hardly know the man, which means it is very likely all these intense feelings connected with him are merely transferences, reflecting some other relationship in my childhood. Only, I have so little communication with these two alters that I know nothing about their childhood experiences, and I have no memory of my own.

Oh my God. I look at pictures of him and I'm so unattracted to him it's unreal.

Then I look at a picture of her, or her and him, and I just get filled with so much HATRED. Hoping that she dies and wishing I could kill her slowly and painfully.

Why just why

help im new and little
i cut my tummy now it hurts and bleeds a bit
ow
i feel sad. very sad.
my name is sophie.

It would appear I have a new alter. A self-harming little.
This saddens me

Kaz wrote:Oh my God. I look at pictures of him and I'm so unattracted to him it's unreal.

Then I look at a picture of her, or her and him, and I just get filled with so much HATRED.

Ah. Now you are getting somewhere. She is a "trailhead", a clue to something in you that needs attention. This is material for you to take to a psychotherapist.

Kaz wrote:help im new and little
i cut my tummy now it hurts and bleeds a bit
ow
i feel sad. very sad.
my name is sophie.

Sophie, I am sorry you were feeling so sad. Is it a little better now? There is another Sophie in your system. Would it be okay if we call you Sophie 2? Or do you have another preference?

Una+ wrote:

Kaz wrote:Oh my God. I look at pictures of him and I'm so unattracted to him it's unreal.

Then I look at a picture of her, or her and him, and I just get filled with so much HATRED.

Ah. Now you are getting somewhere. She is a "trailhead", a clue to something in you that needs attention. This is material for you to take to a psychotherapist.

What? You think I need psychotherapy due to my ex? :s

Una+ wrote:

Kaz wrote:help im new and little
i cut my tummy now it hurts and bleeds a bit
ow
i feel sad. very sad.
my name is sophie.

Sophie, I am sorry you were feeling so sad. Is it a little better now? There is another Sophie in your system. Would it be okay if we call you Sophie 2? Or do you have another preference?

I've called her little Sophie as she was referring to other Sophie as 'big Sophie'.
Yeah the cuts are doing better. Seemingly she comes out when I self harm. Or she comes out to self harm. I dunno.

Kaz x

kazine wrote:What? You think I need psychotherapy due to my ex?

No, not due to him. The hatred isn't about him, or even about his girlfriend. You hardly know her. In all likelihood the hatred is about someone else, connected with some traumatic event that you are not aware of because all memory of it is held by a dissociated alter.

Una+ wrote:

kazine wrote:What? You think I need psychotherapy due to my ex?

No, not due to him. The hatred isn't about him, or even about his girlfriend. You hardly know her. In all likelihood the hatred is about someone else, connected with some traumatic event that you are not aware of because all memory of it is held by a dissociated alter.

I dunno about that? There's a long history. We were together 2 years and he was friends with her the whole time. It started off me being a little paranoid about how close friends they were and how they might end up together. This got worse and worse until gradually (after about a year) I was demanding he cut her out of his life because I was terrified they'd end up together, and the fact that he wouldn't cut her out just proved my point. Then I broke up with him and didn't care much for like a year where he was or what he was doing, but then I text him and found out he was with her and then all the rage came flooding back. But sometimes I feel like I love him more than anything else in the world and I need to get back with him but other times, like above, I just don't care about him and am not attracted to him, yet I look over her Tumblr (bad idea, don't know why I did it) and I get so FILLED with burning fury..

On another note, these 'trailheads' you speak of ?? I was wondering if you think this could be one?

Getting kissed on the neck sometimes really repulses me. My dad and grandad have done it since I was a kid and sometimes when boyfriends do it or if my dad does it (he does sometimes, rarely) it sends horror right through my body. Or if my boyfriend is kissing my neck sometimes a feeling of despair will come over me and I don't know why...

My driving instructor kissed me on the neck once too. Yuk. THAT was wrong.

kazine wrote:On another note, these 'trailheads' you speak of ?? I was wondering if you think this could be one?

Yes. I have started a new thread about this: Trailheads and tor-mentors

I believe I've figured out why I've been unable to get over Craig - I still think there's a chance that he'd take me back, one day. I still think we'll end up together, one day. When his relationship with that ######6 Irish bitch goes down the toilet. I can win him back. I know I can.

You know how I know? Because last year, March time, when I was texting him and found out he was with her, I managed to sway him into sexting wtih me. He has a weak spot for me. Everyone does. I'm good at doing that to people.

Kaz does think I am a borderline after all.

She's the only thing keeping him from me. I wish she was dead. The pleasure I would get from watching the life leave her eyes would be immeasurable.