Eh.

I have been in a fairly manic state for too long. I had a split second freak out. I was close to deleting my blog. It was really odd. I have been very proud of myself for doing this. I am a very closed off person. This has been very therapeutic for me. Then it was like a snap and I was flung into this.. this. crisis. It felt terrible and fast and paranoid and mind chatter.... I have copied my work to my laptop and was going to click yes. I felt like it wasn't me who was freaking out in the first place, I was just getting dragged on a bad trip.

It is so hard for me to not consider myself insane. Where is that line between genious and ill?

And then like that.

Gone.

All the panic and terror gone like it had came. Only traces left behind. I'm not sure if I have met this one. She seems to be about 13-15. For some reason, which I haven't figured out why, 14 is a number that keeps coming up. She is very strong but does not have endurance. She is an angry one who is driven purely by emotion.


Who can I share my secret with? I do not know. They will have the choice to stay in my life or leave it. I will have to deal with that. We made a decision to think about who we should tell and when and upon voting, it had to be unanymous or it was a no-go. So far a no-go.

Manic mumbo jumbo. So very sorry. Lack of sleep is making me especially sensitive.

Uh oh. I have a friend on another support group who, after following my story for months, thinks she may also have DDNOS or DID, and I agree with her. She keeps having moments of panic about being too exposed, and in those moments she deletes her blogs and threads! I deleted my own stuff too, one time, even though mostly I am so happy to be not in hiding anymore.

smflottemesch wrote:I have been in a fairly manic state for too long. I had a split second freak out. I was close to deleting my blog. It was really odd. I have been very proud of myself for doing this. I am a very closed off person. This has been very therapeutic for me. Then it was like a snap and I was flung into this.. this. crisis. It felt terrible and fast and paranoid and mind chatter.... I have copied my work to my laptop and was going to click yes. I felt like it wasn't me who was freaking out in the first place, I was just getting dragged on a bad trip.

It is so hard for me to not consider myself insane. Where is that line between genious and ill?

And then like that.

Gone.

All the panic and terror gone like it had came. Only traces left behind. I'm not sure if I have met this one. She seems to be about 13-15. For some reason, which I haven't figured out why, 14 is a number that keeps coming up. She is very strong but does not have endurance. She is an angry one who is driven purely by emotion.


Who can I share my secret with? I do not know. They will have the choice to stay in my life or leave it. I will have to deal with that. We made a decision to think about who we should tell and when and upon voting, it had to be unanymous or it was a no-go. So far a no-go.

Manic mumbo jumbo. So very sorry. Lack of sleep is making me especially sensitive.

First, and I know this is kind of insensitive and selfish (I don't mean it to be though!), but I am glad to see another person with BP 1 on here with an alter who is angry. I go through the same thing you do, and so far it's been blamed on mania. My girl (I simply call her CHAOS because she certainly hasn't offered a name or spoken a single word) is rage personified. She is also extremely strong, but doesn't have much endurance; when I think of her, I think of the element fire most of the time. She burns us out pretty quickly.

My husband hates her. Obviously. She LOVES coming out to him though. I'll be absolutely fine during a discussion, and suddenly my hands will slam down on any surface near me and I will be screaming like a raging lunatic! I actually wrote on the Bipolar forum about flipping out on my dog once. And the rage feels good to her, very good, very righteous. That part is really the only thing I remember from the anger episodes; I take a back seat, begging myself to stop, to reason, and I can FEEL how good and empowered she feels. It terrifies me. Only the Depakote I'm on really stops her (it makes me feel lazy and uncaring), but I know that it's only a temporary solution. Which is why I'm heading to a therapist, to see if I can find out why she's like that.

Anywho, you aren't alone. I hope you feel better soon, and don't do anything you will regret. If the lamictal isn't working (it did nothing for me, because it took soooo long to get to the 'theraputic level') let your psychiatrist know and he should try something else (if you're willing). The Depakote helped me with little side effect.

Pleasure to meet you!

I have a personal rule for myself never to delete something I've written (unless I feel later that it may reveal my identity).

So I never delete what I have written because I think it is an important to leave it documented how I felt or what I wanted to express at a certain period of time. Like a little piece of the current me that got stuck to the virtual page. And later, maybe a month or a year, I can return and see how far I have come. There has been many a time where I have wanted to delete. I have seen it as important to my self development to realize why leaving it there is making me uncomfortable and to work through that feeling and leave it there anyway. I usually write another post to express that I am uncomfortable with what I have written but am going to try and leave it anyway. That usually helps ease the uncomfortable feeling. Perhaps writing a follow up post saying you feel uncomfortable and want to delete what you have said will be enough to help you ease the feelings and will also help you work through why you are having those uncomfortable feelings?

smflottemesch wrote:She seems to be about 13-15. For some reason, which I haven't figured out why, 14 is a number that keeps coming up.

Perhaps she, or someone else who knows, is making you think of the number 14 because they know that that is her correct age?