Taking a look at myself *Possible trigger, and adult*

First of all, I apologize if there's anything in here that is against the rules. I tried to read them to see if this post would break any.


Since my husband has been diagnosed with DID I have been taking a look at myself.

I am a survivor of daily sexual abuse that happened in foster care from age 6-7 by both a man and a woman. During my childhood years all through to my early twenties I heard other voices talking to me on a nearly daily basis. However I am not sure I would call them alters, although there was one that was the embodiment of everything I wanted to be.

However, since my marriage it is apparent that I have a couple of alters myself. They both are in charge of one function: sex.

I cannot get into sex as myself. It is abhorrent. Every single time I have had sex with my husband (and it's been almost two years) I have had to role play. Become someone else. But I can't even think of doing that unless I'm in an alter state of one of these two types.

What I've noticed is that I tend to go two different ways, and one of them has a definite name, and the other one I think I have a name.

Lominiel (means Daughter of Twilight in Tolkien's Quenya language): Controls any sexual role play where female character is dominant.
Let's call her Anna: Controls any sexual role play where female character is submissive. Is very much a door mat. Very timid. Enjoys being tied up from time to time.

So those are the two alters that control that aspect of life.

Then there's the Kitty/Panda... Half kitty half red panda... with a squirrel tail... Very odd. Talks in half mews, half squirrel chatters.


At any rate, those of you with partners, is it common for an alter to take over that function so that you don't have to suffer the flashbacks?

I know that some of mine will come out for very specific functions.

*trigger*
This is sex-related since your quesion is such.

V will come out during sex, or sometimes S3 because it tends to make me hurt a lot. V likes pain and S3 feels nothing. V will come out involuntarily if I get really uncomfortable. One second it will be me, and then V will be laughing and screaming like a lunatic. With V I will usually lose some sense of being there. S3 will come out if I ask or imply that I need help. Usually something in the form of, "I don't want to be here." or "S3, numb the body, please." Occasionally S3 will do this before asked if she thinks there is too much panic going on. With S3 I won't always lose time, but it becomes incredibly difficult to concentrate or remember anything of importance. With S3, even in any other context, I always feel an intense pressure and almost a sense of being squeezed - as if she and I were sitting in a small room and she were absolutely gigantic...like she traps me against the edge of the wall and I can't move. I feel like if she did move then I would blip away and come back only if she moved completely out of the way.
*end trigger*

I know I used to hear voices more regularly than I do now. As a child they used to wake me up. As I've gone through therapy, they've become more intrusive in my life - possibly because I'm facing them and the things that happened in my past. I don't really know, but I might suggest you try going into therapy for a while with an open mind and discussing dissociative experiences. Try taking the DES (http://counsellingresource.com/lib/quiz ... tests/des/) which isn't an end-all-be-all answer, but might give you some food for thought.

I'm going through the same kind of thing. I think its probably normal for anyone that was abused like that. What I hate about it is that I really want intimacy but I can't quite be open and intimate during sex. Sometimes I roleplay, or I switch before the main event. Then I get all these mixed up emotions after. I sometimes don't remember the act itself, and that makes me feel a little like my girlfriend is cheating on me, with myself lol.
-V

V wrote:I sometimes don't remember the act itself, and that makes me feel a little like my girlfriend is cheating on me, with myself lol.

I and several of my insiders can relate to that.

LittleRedDog wrote:Try taking the DES (http://counsellingresource.com/lib/quiz ... tests/des/) which isn't an end-all-be-all answer, but might give you some food for thought.

I scored 56 on this and my husband scored 67.

NiennaLadyOfTears wrote:At any rate, those of you with partners, is it common for an alter to take over that function so that you don't have to suffer the flashbacks?

Apparently, yes, it is common. It is possible to heal, so that eventually the flashbacks stop and you can enjoy sex.

So apparently I was so lost last night inside myself that my husband tried getting me back to normal for half an hour and I was just meowing and chattering and even hissed at him once. I feel a little switchy right now. Tabby's wanting to come out to play. She's very much a mothering type of cat, looks quite a bit like Maru but less stumpy. At any rate my husband told me she said that she was "making a nest for the kittens" which was comprised of my hair (I have trichotillomania.) I was out of it for at least half an hour and not totally myself for another two hours.

This sounds like quite a challenge for both of you. What a great husband you have. Do you know what triggered you?

I think the trigger is that our cat unexpectedly died last week. He was only a year and a few months. Apparently he had a heart defect that wasn't caught, but it would have just been a matter of time anyway. One of the aforementioned kittens was our cat. :/

Oh. I am so sorry.