Alters sabotaging the healing process

Hi.

Yesterday my system hit an extremely sore spot and it caused plenty of new alters to come alive, which most of them were very aggressive, neurotic and just plain crazy - experiencing different kind of hallucinations and such. Almost all my older alters were hiding because they were so scared! They simply didn't want to take any part in the mess. Luckily few stronger older alters were still there with me.

So after some serious and intense work with these new and older alters, I finally realized that most of those "new alters" were false alters! There was only ONE true alter and she was behind those false alters and hallucinations that made others scared.

I was preeeetty pissed off because of that! I ranted at her quite a bit and she seemed to understand what her actions were causing. After realizing this, all those false alters waved at me and disappeared into thin air. A helped me to find other false alters and we got rid of those.

So now I know why many of my alters have been scared of being mad or schizophrenic: that's their way of escaping their painful memories. They act mad and with their imagination they have made all those "hallucinations" so that it all would seem as real as possible. They've been trying to change my mind regarding to my diagnosis, DID, so that I wouldn't face those bad memories.

They're basically trying to sabotage my healing process! I've had to be extremely harsh with those alters because nothing else works - they manipulate, they lie, they mislead me all the time! I have to be super careful with these alters and we really need to make them feel more safe and calm. They're experiencing something they can't handle, so it's really important to take care of them.

So now we're making a safe place for all those "mad" alters so that they would stop sabotaging the system! I WON'T tolerate something like this!

Hard times. Has anyone else ever experienced something like this? And how did you handle the situation? I'm kinda dissociated right now and feeling severe paranoia because of these alters...but I'll manage this somehow. I really need to make myself more stable...

I had an alter show up very recently who would not shut up and lied and talked trash to me. He didn't create any hallucinations but he did say vile things about people I care about and told vicious jokes or poems about my alters. He ripped everyone to shreds except the little sister, so I had a clue as to when he came. Because he was such a liar and manipulator, I guessed that that's exactly what he was victim of. We've come to realize the father was a huge liar and cruelly manipulative. So I bet that this new guy Kuato sounded crazy because it was his way of dealing with it. I had the advantage of some other clues, like focusing on 3.5 years where supposedly no alters were created but we know the abuse continued. I was ready for someone else to be there.

The last clue was the content of the madness. I kept talking back to him, went on long walks, I let him go at it. He seemed to enjoy the chance to yak even though it was all blather. Except it wasn't. He would tell lies but when I suggested certain things, he would lie in a certain way if I hadn't hit the mark and in another way when I had. So I started to pick it apart and went for broke. I told him why I thought he lied, told him how sorry I was that the father used his innocence against him. I had true compassion for this new guy. The madness has gone away (it was a fake anyway) and we can now talk quite a bit.

So after some serious and intense work with these new and older alters, I finally realized that most of those "new alters" were false alters! There was only ONE true alter and she was behind those false alters and hallucinations that made others scared.

Sounds like your hard work paid off. Congrats! You also have a pretty talented alter there. None of mine can do that.

In a flashback thing, Kuato related that his name was John-John (Jon-Jon) and also mentioned a John-John-John and a John-John-John-John. Even thought it seemed like a bonafide flashback, I was like OH COME ON! This is getting ridiculous! Now we both think he wasn't making it up. Born during a serious betrayal by the father and manipulation using love as the bait, there may be three alters that were created to deal with the divided feelings. Their names and their personalities were formed in madness because that's what they experienced. He had told so many lies, it was hard to know what was valid. Feigned or imagined madness is definitely an escape.

They've been trying to change my mind regarding to my diagnosis, DID, so that I wouldn't face those bad memories.

In their own way, they sound like they're trying to help. They sabotage in order to help you not remember.

Hi Nakimachan,

I have been having problems with self sabotage lately too. Actually for a long time. But it's been getting worse lately. Today I was supposed to have my 2nd session with my new T who specializes in DID. But one of them altered the day on the card I keep to remember when to go. I seem to be the only one who is interested in seeking help. Without fail every time I have a T appointment the alarm I set in my phone calender is off, Notes I leave to remind me to go are missing, or like today, changed so that I go on the wrong day or don't go at all because the time/date is wrong etc... It used to be this way in school with homework I thought I had done but couldn't find it. Or teachers already told me it was due last week even though I'd never asked about it before, glad I don't have to deal with overbearing teachers anymore. I hate this. I hate being seen as irresponsible or a flake because I mess up. People tell me something important and I have no recollection of what they are talking about when they ask why I didn't show up for that wedding, or when I have to ask what they are talking about and feel like an idiot for not knowing, when they have obviously said something to me before. Sometimes my memories of these events are severely skewed when I try to recall important information. And I do what I think I heard someone tell me, instead of what actually was said. I tried to describe it once before and Una+ called it Gaslighting. That's a new term for me when it comes to understanding my alters or that some of what happens to me is caused by being dissociative, but it makes more sense the longer I think about it and put it into perspective with events that have happened my whole life. In confronting things and digging I have DD, (one of the others who also takes control) constantly telling me when I'm out that I should stop all this and stop talking to people about the other people inside this body. And that they won't understand. That it will be bad for all of us if someone uses it against us, and I should just stay out of things that aren't any of my business. That's the most polite that it gets I won't subject anyone else to the language they use.

It's like I'm having a fight with a trash talking Ghandi, it's so passive-aggressive. If DD showed up I would probably hit him for messing things up for me all the time. Or tell him to keep fighting the British occupation, either way... Nothing against Brits btw. just making a Ghandi joke.

My T says I should be accepting of the needs of my other parts, and try to help them to not be afraid. But how do I do that when they actively refuse help or try to sabotage my attempts to get help?

Hi Nakimachan,

that sounds about right! Alters can do a lot to sabbotage the healing process because they are there to protect you from painful feelings and memories, if you try to heal - which would mean accessing things they are trying to protect you from, they will do everything possible to resist that! Its why admitting/realising that you have DID is so hard too!

Sorry you're having such a hard time with it tho - how are things going for you?