DID? Or just an overactive imagination?

Okay, so I'll just jump right in here and save you the rambling.

I'm a 16 year old girl, and recently I have become aware of an internal conciousness other then my own. Although, this is NOT the first time I have been aware of her.

The first time I knew her I was around 13 years old. To make a long story short, I had had an online relationship with a man 5 years my senior, who I loved very very much. He had a few alters, and I developed charcters, almost, to match his. Eventually, one of his alters and his lover (a character of mine) decided they wanted a child, which they created from will and lots and lots of time and effort. Their child, a girl named Freya, came to live in my mind.

She was different from the others. She wasn't just a 'character'. We talked extensively, and played together. Considering she lived inside of me it's hard to describe how we played, but we had lots of fun together. She was EXTREMELY close to her father, the alter I mentioned earlier, and her and her parents all spent much time speaking online.

And then my mom found out about this man, and everything went to hell. I had to go through a police investigation, and was very quickly prevented from speaking to him. Needless to say, I was horribly upset at the loss of my love and Freya was no better. Her father was suddenly 'dissapeared' to her, and because of the loss of her husband Freya's mother (my character) destroyed herself.

Freya was lost to me, and I never heard from her after that. I felt lost, and quite empty. I lost all trust in authority, and tried to kill myself multiple times.

Fast forward to now, a few years later. I have a lot of anxiety and depression issues STILL because of the past issues.

One day while I was getting ready to have a shower I walked around a corner and saw a tall woman standing infront of me for just a fraction of a moment. She yelled something at me and dissapeared. Obviously, this didn't seem quite normal to me, but I just sort of kept going on through my day as if nothing had happened. Soon after though I started to hear the same woman in my head, talking and commenting on my actions. She became hostile after a short amount of time, and frightened me more then once.

After a while she identified herself as the same Freya that I had previously known (albeit older and much less childish), and told me that all she wanted was her father back. I told her I couldn't and filled her in on the investigation and everything that had happpened since. She wasn't satisfied.

All of this conversing was going through either written messages or hearing her in my head and responding back in my thoughts.

To once again make a long story short, under her influence I found the man and Freya's father again. Thankfully, nothing bad happened. But she DID get to speak to her father again, and since then has been much better to live with. She is no longer hostile, and we can enjoy eachothers company again - at least some of the time.

Okay, so. From what I've read, the way we function doesn't seem completely typical. We always sort of are there at the same time, we just trade who is on the 'outside', if that makes sense. We always get horrendous headaches though, but after a bit of time getting used to it they aren't so bad. I don't seem to have any really bad amnesia or anything, but I definately have a really hard time remembering things people told me sometimes, or even conversations.

Either way, we pretty much function as a unit now. She often comes out and helps me through things when I get stressed or angry or scared. Still, though, because of my past and even the way it is now it is hard to decide if it really is a DID sort of thing or if I'm just... making it up. Or something. I don't feel like I am, and Freya definately believes she is real, but still.

Anyway. Thoughts?

Well, first of all, let me say - WELCOME to the group!!!

As I am someone who is struggling with the DID thing myself, I don't know how much help I will be. But I will give it a shot...

DID comes about as a result of trauma, abuse, neglect, or overwhelming circumstances for which a child cannot deal. Alters are created to take on memories or overwhelming feelings that the person cannot handle on their own, and therefore functioning can still take place (and all the memories, feelings, intensity are tucked away in their own separate compartments). Sometimes it can happen as late as adolescents (and there are some rare instances of it being created in adulthood), but these are much more rare.

It sounds like you created these characters, and this daughter (whom you internalized) using your mind, willpower, and imagination. Don't get me wrong - I'm not claiming she isn't real. But it sounds like it was an intentional creation, and it was done out of desire and intent, versus overwhelming feelings and needing to disconnect from them. Am I right? So I'm having a hard time understanding how it could be DID if there was no trauma involved to create this person - Freya.

However... I'm curious about your relationship with your family, and possible history of trauma/abuse. Do you feel connected to your family and your parents? If these are too difficult of questions, please feel free to not answer them. The reason I'm asking them is, if you do have DID, then it was probably created well before Freya got created.

I've never been close to my parents. Not to say that they were ever really horrible or anything, but I have never been close to them. If anything, I was always afraid of my father when I was a child because he was so stern.

If she existed pre-adolescence, I can't remember her.

Hi,

i'm thinking it would take something more than overactive imagination to create people inside your head like that - i mean i think you could convince yourself you had DID, but not actually create alters that way (except maybe as a child.)

Ive often wondered if my own problems could be put down partly my own imagination working overtime, and there is just fragmentation/dissociated feelings/memories etc which i "made into" alters as a coping mechanism. but really at some level that is what DID is, (needing to dissociate those thoughts/feelings/memories) into a part of you that isn't you. so it kinda confirms and negates that idea at the same time!

my question would be is it even possible to create alters that way - to closely match someone else's - and to create one between an alter who is part of you and someone completely outside your system? (this is a question more than anything else cause i don't really know.)

i'm inclined to agree with Brandic tho.

Did you have any alters you were aware of before this happened, if not is there any reason you think you might have alters (from your childhood.) i was going to say its unusual to see your alters, but there is one person on this forum who does, so its not impossible!

edit: cause you just replied; what about any of the others - did they exist before?

It's hard for me to know if there really were any other alters. From when I was very young I would 'play pretend' with friends and be recurrent characters, and when I got a little older (10ish) I started doing written roleplays with friends. The one thing I can really think of that may or may not be an alter would be a character named Takuto who was DETERMINED that the friend we roleplayed with was Kieran, his lover. I would get sort of confused and call her Kieran sometimes.

I cant remember many concrete examples. I don't really remember many details. >.<

edit: And, to elaborate, with the characters I associated with the online man, some were more real to me then others. Freya's mother was the most independant thinking other then Freya herself, and then there was a scale all the way down to one character that really was just a puppet for roleplays.

And I feel odd calling them 'characters.' o.o But I cant think of another word.

senselesssacrifice wrote:I've never been close to my parents. Not to say that they were ever really horrible or anything, but I have never been close to them. If anything, I was always afraid of my father when I was a child because he was so stern.

These could be my own words at your age. I had a very distant mother and a very strict father. The thing about DID, they are learning, is that it is an attachment disorder. Which means, most likely people who dissociate and who develop DID are those who haven't attached "properly" or healthily to either or both of their parental figures. I know that is the case for me. My mom was not very affectionate, and would constantly try to avoid confrontation. My dad tried controlling things and would get angry when things didn't go his way.

It would be really good to be able to talk about some of these things with a therapist. Do you think that's a possibility? They would be much better at diagnosing and assessing exactly what's going on. And due to confidentiality stuff, they would be under legal obligation to keep everything you tell between the two of you. He/she couldn't tell your parents, unless you were putting yourself or someone else in danger.

senselesssacrifice wrote:If she existed pre-adolescence, I can't remember her.

Let me clarify something... I wasn't suggesting that she existed before you were thirteen, I was just saying that if you are DID, the DID probably would have needed to be present before her appearance/creation, since it wasn't due to trauma or abuse that she was created. I know, this stuff can all be very confusing...


Okay I just read your last response. Is it possible that these "characters" you roleplayed with with the older guy online weren't created at that time, but had been there all along (not Freya, but the other "characters"? And same goes for the roleplaying with friends earlier? Also, do you ever feel like any of them still exist, or are still real to you now? Or does it seem like it's only Freya?

brandic wrote:

senselesssacrifice wrote:I've never been close to my parents. Not to say that they were ever really horrible or anything, but I have never been close to them. If anything, I was always afraid of my father when I was a child because he was so stern.

These could be my own words at your age. I had a very distant mother and a very strict father. The thing about DID, they are learning, is that it is an attachment disorder. Which means, most likely people who dissociate and who develop DID are those .who haven't attached "properly" or healthily to either or both of their parental figures.

..........

Okay I just read your last response. Is it possible that these "characters" you roleplayed with with the older guy online weren't created at that time, but had been there all along (not Freya, but the other "characters"? And same goes for the roleplaying with friends earlier? Also, do you ever feel like any of them still exist, or are still real to you now? Or does it seem like it's only Freya?

My mother was smothering actually. Not distant. But either way, I didn't enjoy the attention, and still don't.

And lots of them still feel real to me. I actually very much miss Seika and Takuto, but I don't believe they are ever really going to appear again. Both of them seemed to exist because of someone they were obsessed over, that no longer is available to them.

Smothering can be distant, if it isn't affectionate in a way that acknowledges and validates you and your own emotions. i think my mum was sort of affectionate when i was small enough to be cute. lol but if that affection isn't emotionally validating or genuine connecting with you as an individual child, it still makes sense.

Brandic, you didn't have my parents did you?! lol

Hm, my thoughts on this go two ways.

Firstly, like others have said, DID comes from your mind severing connections, and placing them into another identity. For example, it would be impossible for me to 'roleplay' my other identity, because I have no memories of when she takes control... my identities are completely seperate, it's impossible for me to choose when to 'switch', nor do I know how the other identity feels or thinks at any time. It's not something I've ever consciously chosen, it just kind of happened. It's also something that I've never had a single doubt about-- it's kind of hard to deny when half of my life is 'missing' and I'm told I act differently and know different things in those times.

On the other hand... I've always found it strange that people think that brains develop 'exactly as textbooks/research say', because everyone develops differently! So, even if it's not DID, you could be developing something similar due to your experiences in life... so it could still be a 'disassociated identity', but just differently to how we've had ours... it's hard to say, really! Most other DID sufferers on here are very different to me (lots of identities talking and switching rapidly, whereas I'm completely seperate), so maybe you're different too.

Again, like others have said, seeing a therapist would probably be the best idea.

senselesssacrifice wrote:My mother was smothering actually. Not distant. But either way, I didn't enjoy the attention, and still don't.

And lots of them still feel real to me. I actually very much miss Seika and Takuto, but I don't believe they are ever really going to appear again. Both of them seemed to exist because of someone they were obsessed over, that no longer is available to them.

Hmm... well... I'm not really sure. Honestly, I don't know what to say as far as if it sounds like DID. There are aspects to what you describe that are familiar (especially as it relates to not feeling connected to your parents), but there are other aspects that don't- like the roleplaying, and creating "characters" on a conscious level. I think with DID, alters usually aren't created consciously, and even if it is conscious, it is not done by choice (typically, that is - there are some exceptions). Most people with DID have no idea when their alters were created, and it takes much work and inner dialogue (usually) in order to figure that kind of stuff out. This process could take years. I'm still not positive I have "alters", and if these fragmented parts of myself are in fact alters, I have no idea when or why they were created...

You may be quite hesitant to speak to a professional therapist about this, but again, if you want a truly accurate diagnosis, that's the route you want to take. I'm sure someone at your school - a school counselor maybe? - might be able to help.

Caroline

katana wrote:Brandic, you didn't have my parents did you?! lol

Ha! Maybe I did! (by the way, you can call me Caroline if you want...)