A bit dim :/ Can anyone explain?

Ok so I'm not the brightest star in the sky lol and I don't understand my system. Do I even have a system? I got everyone to pick names a while ago, to make it easier to explain. There is another name, the one on the birth certificate, the name I/we answer to, but I/we don't want to put that name on here... So this is me... First I was a child (obviously, because nobody gets born an adult lol) and I was afraid to go down the stairs at night to get a drink of water. Every time I put out my foot to stand on the top step I "turned into" a unicorn with wings and flew/lept down half the stairs. I was then me (a child) standing on the middle step. The unicorn thing happened again for the rest of the stairs, then I was a child again at the bottom, running for the kitchen. I'd get a drink then run back up the stairs to my room. This was every single time I came down the stairs in the dark, but the unicorn thing never happened in any other situation. I don't remember when I grew out of it or ever remember being an age before it started happening. Even though young, I new I didn't really turn into a unicorn and that it was my brain playing tricks on me. I used to try to stay me and not turn into a unicorn but I couldn't do it, it was totally involuntary that it happened. There is no unicorn in my system now. Does anyone know if this has anything to do with DID or not? I know there was emotional abuse from my dad until he died when I was 15... The next stage: I'm late teens, have severe suicidal depression and "nightmares". Recurrent ones both when I'm asleep and when I'm awake (hallucinations?/ delusions?/ intrusive thoughts?/ psychosis?). The nightmares leave me feeling traumatized. I have panic attacks which I hide. I have severe depersonalization and derealization, but it's intermittant, I can't cope with being "present" for long due to the overwhelming emotions. I liken the dissociation to having an "off-switch" like for a light bulb, I dissociate that suddenly. I'm not at this time taking any drugs (never have taken street drugs) or medication for anything, except asthma. I'm not receiving mental health care. I am doing a darn good job of "acting normal" in public, saving my falling apart /breakdowns for when I'm alone. I go to school, college (drop out), work (quit or fired frequently). There are two of me, Kerry and Chloe, I talk to myself a lot, conversations, decisions, reassurance. Chloe wants to kill us but Kerry won't let her. I think this is normal at the time, now I'm not sure if it's DID. (*Note* Chloe wanted the name that was on the birth certificate, but since that name applies to all of me I (Kerry) asked her to choose another). Chloe was on the surface most of the time (I think :/ ? It's kind of hazy. Certainly she burst forth a lot when angry or fearful, which was most of the time). Kerry was like a big sister in the background that Chloe turned to for advice or comfort. Chloe is inclined to be paranoid, reckless, giggly and has a temper. Kerry is sensible, rational and mostly calm. As I (who?) get older Chloe doesn't age. I'm in a relationship with an abusive man from when I'm 17 (sexual violence, manipulation, casual low grade physical violence and emotional cruelty. I thought then that he was great and I was in love, now I want to throw up)... Then I'm 28 and no longer suicidal. Through my teens I was not a typical teenager, I felt older, like I was "born 30" and now I feel I've caught up with that. For years Kerry has been going to work because Chloe gets us fired. Kerry is on the surface most of the time now. Chloe is in the background, jumping in and yelling when danger is perceived. Chloe takes things back to shops for a refund if it breaks, Kerry is too mild for that. Chloe is scary when she's angry, people who feel the full force of it don't tend to make me angry twice! Kerry won't allow violence though. Kerry feels like the "real me" and Chloe the "inner child". We both learn that all decisions must be joint decisions to avoid internal rows after the event. I've been having regular mood swings for years that are unconnected to life events (possible bipolar) and which affect both Kerry and Chloe... At 30 we leave the abusive relationship, having spent a lot of that time depersonalized /derealized, but it's easing off now. We become aware of an inner child who is 10, traumatized and depressed. Sophie hardly says a word but Kerry and Chloe can feel her emotions so we include her in decisions. At this time I'm having CBT to help me learn to live with and manage a physical health condition. I'm also having cranial sacral therapy for physical injuries, as a side effect it unlocks my own personal version of Pandora's Box inside my head. Something happened to Sophie that we are aware of but don't like thinking about... I'm 32 now and Sophie speaks a little bit. But only to us, internally. The CBT stopped a year ago. I've had a mental health social worker for 9mths and a new CBT lady for 2mths. I occasionally take codeine and amitriptyline (prescribed) for pain. I'm severely dissociated again when the nightmares got worse again 6mths ago. Sophie and Chloe were screaming a lot then too in terror and frustration. I'm suicidal again, it started mostly just Kerry, but now most of the time everyone has had enough and we all feel it's pointless. Also for the last 6mths I've had severe mood swings on a 24hr cycle (instead of the 3 monthly cycle, and a bit less severe, that it used to be) that affect all of us, though Sophie is affected less than the other two. I'm either living on a pink fluffy cloud or in the black pit of despair... Opinions wanted please because I don't have a clue what's happening. Am I nuts? X

I can identify with a lot of what you are saying. i've had times in my life where things got very confusing. It sounds like your going through a rough time right now. Things will get better, hang in there. I got a little confused with your post, probably the meds i'm on, are you still seeing a therapist?

Sorry for the original post being so long. I am seeing someone trained in CBT she's actually a social worker. So I have two social workers, and one of them knows CBT. The cranial sacral therapy finished about 18mths ago. I used to have a proper CBT therapist but that stopped about a year ago, it was for learning to live with my physical problems rather than anything to do with my mental health. It was her who said I should ask to get referred to the mental health team, which I did, which is how I got the social workers. I've been reading about ANP & EP and I'm so totally confused if I got DID now or not, if I had it when there was only 2 bits of me or not. I don't understand how Sophie is the youngest but she arrived last. Maybe she is just a nightmare and doesn't exist and I don't have DID but instead I'm nuts in some other way? I have been told I possibly have bipolar. Thank you for trying to help. X

It sounds like you feel overwhelmed. Do you think either of your caseworkers is qualified to help you with this? I can't diagnose you of course but I think you definitely could use someone qualified to help you sort it all out. And I'd also say, don't try to do too much at once emotionally. Let things happen at their own pace. I pushed myself too hard today and I nearly fell apart. As for the diagnosis, personally I don't think it matters too much if your DID or not. your definitely not nuts. The mind is designed to handle things it shouldn't have to handle. This is one of the ways it does that. I hope things get better for you soon.

My new CBT lady has been asking questions, which is why I'm trying to sort out what I tell her. I'm refusing medication and don't want to be hospitalized for "hearing voices" so if that's what it is I'd rather keep quiet. But people can't help me if I don't tell them things, so I want to tell the CBT lady as much as I safely can. From the question she asked it seems she knows about ANP & EP which I been told is a good sign she knows that.

I don't know what my social worker knows, he found me the second one because he didn't know what to do with me and I had CBT before so he said maybe it will help again. He said he's not trained as a counsellor, therapist or anything like that. But talking to him was the first time I realized maybe this was not normal. He is always on at me to ring him with any problems. I'd mentioned to him before that I wasn't dead because there was 3 bits of me and one wasn't sure it wanted to die. One day I got really upset, because I had an important decision to make and the others wouldn't talk to me. It was almost like they'd turned against me, but wouldn't say why. It's the only time it's happened and I was very distressed. So I rang him said I need help with this decision because no one will talk to me. He thought I meant my friends, but I said no the other bits of me. He was like Okkaaaay...and then went really quiet. He talked to me for a bit about the decision, then said he'd have to ring me back later because he had an appointment. When he rang back I was fine and he didn't understand it, he said it was weird and I sound much more lucid now. I know that probably sounds unprofessional, he has a habit of thinking out loud, but hey, at least I get an honest reaction x

I'm glad you at least have the caseworkers. I do think a real therapist would be a much better help though. And if you are bipolar like I am, medicine is not a bad thing. The medicines these days are pretty mild and they help a lot. Perhaps you could ask your caseworker to put you in touch with an actual psychologist? Either way I'm glad your on this forum. I know that reading some of the stuff other people write here makes me feel like I'm not the only one. That in itself is a blessing to me, I hope it is to you as well. I'm glad to meet you and I hope things get easier quickly.

Kerry H wrote:Ok so I'm not the brightest star in the sky lol and I don't understand my system.

First of all, from all that you wrote, you seem a lot smarter than you give yourself credit for.

Kerry H wrote:Every time I put out my foot to stand on the top step I "turned into" a unicorn with wings and flew/lept down half the stairs. I was then me (a child) standing on the middle step. The unicorn thing happened again for the rest of the stairs, then I was a child again at the bottom, running for the kitchen. I'd get a drink then run back up the stairs to my room. This was every single time I came down the stairs in the dark, but the unicorn thing never happened in any other situation. I don't remember when I grew out of it or ever remember being an age before it started happening. Even though young, I new I didn't really turn into a unicorn and that it was my brain playing tricks on me. I used to try to stay me and not turn into a unicorn but I couldn't do it, it was totally involuntary that it happened. There is no unicorn in my system now. Does anyone know if this has anything to do with DID or not?

It's hard to say if this is related to DID. Whether it was or not, it sounds like it was a coping mechanism to help manage some very fearful and scary feelings. Since you don't have a "unicorn" part today, I wouldn't worry too much about whether it relates to DID or not.

Kerry H wrote:I know there was emotional abuse from my dad until he died when I was 15...

Would you feel comfortable talking more about this?

Kerry H wrote:The next stage: I'm late teens, have severe suicidal depression and "nightmares". Recurrent ones both when I'm asleep and when I'm awake (hallucinations?/ delusions?/ intrusive thoughts?/ psychosis?). The nightmares leave me feeling traumatized.

Nightmares when you are awake? That sounds like flashbacks to me, but I could be wrong. It's possible you were dealing with PTSD and the nightmares/flashbacks were a result of that. I have PTSD (and had it when I was a teenager) but I didn't know it until a psychiatrist diagnosed me with it when I was 24.

Kerry H wrote: I have panic attacks which I hide. I have severe depersonalization and derealization, but it's intermittant, I can't cope with being "present" for long due to the overwhelming emotions. I liken the dissociation to having an "off-switch" like for a light bulb, I dissociate that suddenly.

Wow... this reminds me of me. Big time. Especially about five years ago. I was having horrible panic attacks (which I hid well), I would "turn off" in an instant when things got overwhelming. Plus the depersonalization/derealization...

Kerry H wrote:For years Kerry has been going to work because Chloe gets us fired. Kerry is on the surface most of the time now. Chloe is in the background, jumping in and yelling when danger is perceived. Chloe takes things back to shops for a refund if it breaks, Kerry is too mild for that. Chloe is scary when she's angry, people who feel the full force of it don't tend to make me angry twice! Kerry won't allow violence though. Kerry feels like the "real me" and Chloe the "inner child". [...] We become aware of an inner child who is 10, traumatized and depressed.

It sounds very similar to DID, or at least DDNOS. You seem to fit most of the symptoms. I'm wondering if you have any time loss/amnesia, either in the present, or during childhood. Are there any parts of your childhood you have a hard time remembering? Do you have a hard time remembering things now (like, bits of time, or whether you've done things or not)?

Kerry H wrote: At 30 we leave the abusive relationship, having spent a lot of that time depersonalized /derealized, but it's easing off now.

So you were in this horrific, awful relationship from age 17 to age 30? That sounds extremely traumatic in itself.

Kerry H wrote:I'm severely dissociated again when the nightmares got worse again 6mths ago. Sophie and Chloe were screaming a lot then too in terror and frustration. I'm suicidal again, it started mostly just Kerry, but now most of the time everyone has had enough and we all feel it's pointless. Also for the last 6mths I've had severe mood swings on a 24hr cycle (instead of the 3 monthly cycle, and a bit less severe, that it used to be) that affect all of us, though Sophie is affected less than the other two. I'm either living on a pink fluffy cloud or in the black pit of despair... Opinions wanted please because I don't have a clue what's happening. Am I nuts?

I can understand parts of you screaming in terror and frustration. For so many years, I tried ignoring the screaming voices/parts in my head. I think I treated my hurt and angry parts the same way my mom treated me - by completely ignoring them. But eventually I was hospitalized, and I had to begin to look at those hurt and traumatized parts of me in order to feel "sane."

I get feeling crazy, I have felt this much of my life. It doesn't sound like you are crazy. It sounds like you are in pain. And you are confused, and trying to figure things out. I'm so glad you posted on here, because it's really hard to reach out when you are feeling so discouraged. I know suicide seems like the only way out sometimes, but please take my word for it- it DOES and it CAN get better. It sounds like you are really trying your best to figure all this stuff out. What might be best is if you can see an actual therapist/counselor/psychologist who specializes in dissociation (or at least knows a little about it). Can you talk to your social workers about this?

You obviously have dissociative symptoms, whether or not you are officially "DID." I myself am not officially DID, since I don't lose time (that I know of) and I don't have amnesia of major events from my past (again, that I know of). But my parts/alters/whatever you want to call them are very real. Just as real as someone who officially fits the DID diagnosis. You aren't crazy, you aren't delusional, you aren't psychotic. It sounds like you've had a very hard life, and endured lots of emotional pain and abuse. And it sounds like you are dissociative, most likely DDNOS (dissociative disorder not otherwise specified) or DID.

Have you taken the Dissociative Experiences Scale test? It's not a determining factor for whether someone has DID or not, but it does help to show you where your dissociative experiences lie on the spectrum. Most people with DID score over a 30, although it's possible to have DID and to have a score lower than 30. My score when I last took it was 43.

http://counsellingresource.com/lib/quiz ... tests/des/

Hang in there...
~caroline

Thank you both for your replies.

brandic wrote:

Kerry H wrote:I know there was emotional abuse from my dad until he died when I was 15...

would you be comfortable talking more about that?

He used to provoke me into a rage until I was kicking biting punching him. He wouldn't hit me back, try to defend himself or try to stop me. He'd just stand there and laugh, which would make me even more angry. Basically it was his hobby to torment me. He was always ridiculing me too. My mum would pull me off him then she'd get cross at him for being mean to me. There was worse
but I can't bear to think it never mind tell anyone. He never physically hurt me, but it can't be said that he was a good parent. My mum was part of the main betrayal they done to me too. X

-- Sat Jul 16, 2011 10:02 pm --

brandic]

[quote="Kerry H wrote:For years Kerry has been going to work because Chloe gets us fired. Kerry is on the surface most of the time now. Chloe is in the background, jumping in and yelling when danger is perceived. Chloe takes things back to shops for a refund if it breaks, Kerry is too mild for that. Chloe is scary when she's angry, people who feel the full force of it don't tend to make me angry twice! Kerry won't allow violence though. Kerry feels like the "real me" and Chloe the "inner child". [...] We become aware of an inner child who is 10, traumatized and depressed.

It sounds very similar to DID, or at least DDNOS. You seem to fit most of the symptoms. I'm wondering if you have any time loss/amnesia, either in the present, or during childhood. Are there any parts of your childhood you have a hard time remembering? Do you have a hard time remembering things now (like bits of time, or whether you've done things or not)?
[/quote]

Yes I seem to remember all kinds of random things but not others, that could be normal though? I remember bits and pieces of my childhood and not other bits, but it was a long time ago, so I don't know, do most people remember ALL their childhood? I did lose 3hr recently when I got excited about something (I can't let myself get too excited about anything because it sends my high moods "off the scale"). I have absolutely no idea what I did or where I went. I was in the town centre when I got the unexpected news that triggered the excitement. I was in the town centre when I "came back". 3hrs was gone - my watch, phone & the clocktower said the same time. I have only a vague recollection at either end of the episode of walking round with a huge grin and eyes like saucers, with lamp posts, buildings, people etc looming out of the world at me larger than life. I assumed I'd gone manic for a while :/ because I'm pretty sure I'm bipolar. It's the only time I'm aware that I've had amnesia. X

-- Sat Jul 16, 2011 10:49 pm --

brandic wrote:

Kerry H wrote: At 30 we leave the abusive relationship, having spent a lot of that time depersonalized /derealized, but it's easing off now.

So you were in this horrific, awful relationship from age 17 to age 30? That sounds extremely traumatic in itself.

That's interesting because at the time it just seemed like normal life, now I recognize how bad it was, but I never thought if it could cause trauma.

I did the DES test I got 37. I found it hard to answer because of understanding it and remembering stuff. X