Introjects/internalized perpetrators. How to deal with??

I world like to learn more about the "introjects" of perpetrators in the system and how to make them your allies. I'm all to familiar with these, and they so often scream profanities at me in my head. How do you make them your allies? They are quite abusive and unwilling to listen. I have tried many different approaches, from writing to these parts, and asking them what they need, to telling them off (which surprisingly quiets them down temporarily, not sure how that works). It's something I've always struggled with and am wondering if other people have had better luck. I sort of gave up trying to get them to change, and have just tolerated their abuses for years with no expectation or hope that things can change.

I had an abusive alter, C, who I finally got to.

It turns out she was giving me what I wanted in the best way we knew how.
Everytime I felt bad about myself, was too tired to go on, somewhere inside me,
I was wanting to stop living.
And what she did was to yell at me, curse at me, abuse me, in an attempt
to get me to kill myself.
She could hear that little quiet plea, and reacted as a result of it.

Sometimes it's fear, sometimes it's anger, sometimes it's love.

It wasn't until I was fought my own perceptions of my world and decided that
death should not be my trump card, nor should I have to have others take over for me,
and that I desired health above all, that she heard my plea and helped me to get there.

It was my tendency towards self-blame and self-destruction that caused her to attack me.

If nothing else seems to work, try to learn to fight towards life and doing things yourself.
Don't accept "I can't" or "I shouldn't" for an answer.
Learn to love yourself for who you are...
You never deserved the abuse and you don't need to perpetuate it.

I get sad writing this, because it took a mountain of effort to reach C and for her
to explain to me that it's what I truly wanted, was not to live.
It was only when I decided otherwise and asked for her help did she help me find another way...

It's only when we turn off survival mode that we truly begin to live.
When we are DID, we are constantly in survival mode...

I was just reading "The Family Inside" on the recommendation of an online friend and there was a large section on their opinion that introjects are different than persecutors/abusers and how some can be reframed to join the system while others might have to be asked to leave. I found it interesting, but so far it hasn't applied to me. All my persecutors with introjected messages (so far) have an obvious protective function that my Observer has been able to analyze. Before I had my DID diagnosis, I was having the hardest time with these screaming abuses and uncontrollable compulsions to punish and not knowing why I was getting taken over by those "states" or "modes" as I called them at the time. Around the time that I started really seeing some of these things as separate parts (after my therapist was pretty sure, but a month or so before diagnosis), my Observer started to pay really good attention to what triggered them.

90% of the time, I've noticed it has to do with putting myself in a vulnerable situation (from their perspective) by defying the "rules" that we have used to keep ourselves safe or as a way to get overwhelmed little ones who are taxing out the system, causing dangerous situations, to calm down. In both cases, these were meant as protections. My caretaker (CT) has outright said to my T: "If your kid is playing in the street, you'll scream at them, drag them roughly back to safe ground. At the moment, all that matters is the danger." T tried to argue with her that he's not dangerous in that way, but she feels he hasn't proven that yet, because of a bad reaction he triggered in the kids in late April. My Big Brother part explains that he has to use violence to "disconnect" (scare deep inside) other parts whose intensity is dangerous (threatening to our well-being). I don't want to trigger, so I can't say exactly what he said, but he was basically espousing his way of regulating as the lesser evil, considering the consequences.

So, I started "re-framing" these parts instinctively weeks or months ago, with T's cooperation. It's hard to do in the moment the internal abuse is taking place, but I do find myself being able to go back afterward and say, "OK, I get it. When you were doing _____, it was because _____ didn't seem safe." And then I have to seriously consider if I was pushing us into something that wasn't safe (i.e. too fast or helpful to one part, but harmful to another) and take ownership of that. If I really think it wasn't an issue of being unsafe, but a perception of unsafety based on past experiences in other relationships, then I have an opportunity to ask those parts what would make them feel comfortable, allow them to risk trusting that the situation actually is safe. This is mostly, of course, in my work with my T.

I will give an example. Both CT and BB have been putting up a wall (kinder than the way they used to regulate) against letting a little one get to T. This little one loves T so much and wants to be closer to him and has stuff she wants to tell him that she says she will only tell him and not me. Anyway, when we first did interviewing (about two weeks ago), T asked about her and they just wouldn't let her out or near. We have spent most of our last three sessions (two phone sessions, one office session) just discussing what sort of things were causing the blockage and how T and I could address them together. They were things like:

-CT wanted an outright statement that T would be safe "in that way" to these kids, like a vow or a promise.
-BB wanted environmental changes that made the room less intimidating for everyone involved.
-CT and BB were both concerned that this little one wants affection from T, but T will be unable/unwilling to give it (or will respond badly to her loving him, other things she might say) and hurt her so badly that there would be too much instability. So, there needed to be some very focused conversations on physical contact, boundaries, etc.
-CT was worried that if T might not have a plan in place to deal with the overwhelming attachment that was going to surface and would make another sudden withdrawal like the April incident (we still need to talk about this a bit).
-BB needed to know that T would give appropriate attention and time to the grounding process if he was going to be expected to not utilize his "more efficient" methods for disconnecting the little one in the throws of separation anxiety.

Anyway, these are the kind of things that my "persecutors" worry about, even as they are saying and doing very hurtful things to the others inside. Their basic message is, "Do not get close. Close is not safe. No one will love you." But, it's not because they do not want these kids to receive the love and care that my T is offering. Rather, they fear he will change his mind, will be like past people, does not have enough in them to give (the kids needs are beyond meeting)...that the result of allowing them to attach and share their hurts will be more pain. That T will tell the kids they are bad, weak, liars, manipulators, etc. So, to lessen that sort of a blow or keep the kids away, they are constantly telling the kids those "old messages" and projecting them onto others who we get close to. They have been doing this job for years, which is why no one really "knows" who we are...

Anyway, I don't know if that has helped at all, but reframing is the only way I have to deal with these parts and the one that I instinctively used from very early on, before even having an inkling about DID.

Broken mirror -

Survival mode... yes. That's how it's been my whole life. Although I've always wanted more (thus the years of therapy). And yet don't quite know how to make that happen. I'm 30 and I just finished my bachelors degree earlier this year. It's an accomplishment, but it feels empty, because my life is so chaotic on the inside. No amount of outside achievement can take the inner turmoil away. And yet that's what I so desperately want...

My inner abusive parts use to threaten to kill me, and to hurt the body. I can see what you're saying about how that's maybe what I was wanting at that time, because I didn't have any hope, all I had was despair. I feel like I have come so far. And yet there is still such inner chaos. Now the abusive parts just scream profanities at me, tell me how stupid I am, tell me constantly to "shut the f#ck up." I don't even know who they are, but I know their voices all too well. There is the rare occasion that one of them (or maybe it's just one after all) will take control of the body. But usually when this happens they only scream for a few seconds before going inside again. But any time I've ever tried talking to it/him/her/them, they either go away or just scream louder. I get what you are saying about finding hope... it's hard but I know it's possible. It's what keeps me hanging on when there really doesn't seem to be any more reason to...

Here is that original post that caught your attention, so others can read it too.

EGO STATES
Ego states, according to the Watkins (1997) are defined “as an organized system of behavior and experience whose elements are bound together by some common principle, and which is separated from other such states by a boundary that is more or less permeable” (p. 25). According to the Watkins (1997), ego states can develop through three different processes: through normal differentiation such as for a specific purpose and/or behavior, through trauma, and through the introjection of significant others.

This becomes very evident when noting the differences between ego states in clients with dissociative identity disorder. Certainly, they have traumatized ego states that usually manifest as children. There are also usually ego states that have developed for a specific behavior and/or purpose such as: the narrator, the parent, the professional one, the student, the gate keeper, the wise one, the sexual one, etc. Additionally, there are usually introjects of significant others, especially those that have perpetrated against them.

These perceived “internal perpetrators” often perpetuate an ongoing cycle of self-abuse; verbal and/or physical abuse through self-injurious behavior. The traumatized ego-states are extremely fearful and anxious of these internal perpetrators and often view them as horrendous monsters, even though many of them also seem to be “traumatized children” (Watkins&Watkins,1993). This opposing dynamic often fuels the inner war individuals with D.I.D. are so familiar with, creating constant internal conflict, anxiety, internal noise, and headaches, among other symptoms. It is crucial to help change these perceptions in the view of the introject ego state as well as in the view of the traumatized ego states; in other words figuring out how to change the perception and behavior from a perceived perpetrator to a protective ally. This process can involve many therapeutic tasks and making changes to perceived imagery, can be an effective place to start.

http://www.igdid.com/h83-ego-states

Yakusoku -

Everything that you said is very interesting. Reframing, huh? Ugh. I don't even know why but a sudden dread is rising within me. I think I need to find out more. I'm not even sure who they are...

So how can you tell the difference between introjects and persecutors? I guess I just assumed they were the same...? Also I have no idea what triggers them. It seems the more disconnected or anxious I am, however, the louder they become.

I am about to start reading the treatment part of this book, which might better fit what you are looking for, but I thought you would be interested in what E. Howell has to say about "The Persecutor" in general.

{trigger}
Let us consider the persecutor/aggressor identity in relation to the previously discussed situation of a {daughters rape by a father}. In the traumatic moment, the child will often become highly absorbed in trance like state with the problem of the the persecutor. Self hypnotic dissociation is the escape when there is not escape. But in this situation, the child is likely to intently focus on the matter of most relevance, which is the abuser. Trance logic prevails, and there is an unclear distinction between self and other. In addition, the child, as a result of being intensely focused on the abuser, is likely to automatically mimic the aggressor's behavior. Through a process of identification with the aggressor, a part of the child may begin to feel that she is the aggressor. Once created, this identity state may become increasingly utilized in the service of predicting the aggressor's behavior, consequently avoiding some hard and preempting the aggressor's perceived power and threat.

Once created, this identity state may become increasingly utilized in the service of predicting the aggressor's behavior, consequently avoiding some hard and preempting the aggressor's perceived power and threat.

Yes, this exactly!!! This is a huge part of why I say mine are protective.


I think in the book I mentioned, the distinguishing characteristic for them was whether or not it could be re-framed as protective, as having a positive purpose within the internal family. The book is really old, though, and I don't know if that's a theory others go along with. In my case, the two persecutors that I am most familiar with have obvious protective functions. I wouldn't worry if these sort of things aren't obvious right away. It took weeks or months of observing for me to see, "Hrm, when memories come up, this part says they're lies, because she thinks it's too painful for the system to deal with," or "When I get closer to T, more attached, more vulnerable, more trusting, this part threatens and abuses me, because he is sure T will abandon me and we will not survive it, so he gives abandoning/rejecting messages to lessen that blow or make the kids too scared to connect." I had to (along with my Observer and my T) notice it over and over again before I could get those parts to acknowledge that protective function as a part of their role and have the kids be a little less scared of them...the latter is a very slow process.

I don't know. Because apparently I have some very dark/bad insiders way down deep, but they're guarded by Devon and dreamer and not allowed to come out at all. I think now there's only maybe 2-4 of them who are like that.

Huh. I think one of them is a little girl. I had really weird dreams last night about a little girl writing something that was basically like "help me" but there was another insider who was really angry and like dragging her away...and at first, I felt bad for the little girl, but now I feel more and more like she's not as sweet and innocent as she pretends to be. She seems really manipulative now. =/

As a teen, I carried an introject of my mother's attitude about me and what she perceived to be the only role within my reach: to lure some guy into marrying me. I think it was an ego state, not an alter. After a traumatic event relevant to this role, suddenly I cast out the introject and fled into a new life. Discarding the introject took only an instant; learning how to behave in accord with my authentic self took years. Only, now I discover I was not aware of large parts of my authentic self!