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Lost inside my head.

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Lost inside my head.

Postby Kerry H » Wed Jul 06, 2011 10:31 pm

I don't mind it. I'm very switched off. That's the derealization and depersonalization. I need to be alone so much because I'm busy with internal conversations. I also have a lot of emotions that I need time alone to feel them, process them I guess, instead of bury them. Sometimes everything overwhelms me and I become totally non-functional for a few hours. I am just about managing to eat and drink and sleep enough each day. Sometimes I achieve more than that, sometimes not. I can't cope with everyday life and I feel that other people want me to be able to cope, there's that pressure on me. I'm spending a lot of time feeling like the world is out to get me. I'm upset and frightened. I don't even know why I'm writing this it's not like anyone can do anything about any of it. This what my life is at the minute this is the most left alone the world has ever let me be and i like it itswha i need i dont know i dont know i dont know x
I feel like hiding.
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Re: Lost inside my head.

Postby sev0n » Fri Jul 08, 2011 10:29 pm

Are you feeling any better now?
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Re: Lost inside my head.

Postby brandic » Sat Jul 09, 2011 12:06 am

Kerry...

I am so sorry. It does sound very lonely. I can really relate though... sometimes I feel like there is no one in the world who can understand or be there.

Just know you are not alone, and you are not the only one who feels the way you are feeling. I think that getting by is sometimes simply the best we can do. Instead of shoving away all the feelings, you are willing to face them and listen to what's going on inside, so I say that you are brave in that respect.

Are you going to see a therapist by any chance? I've found that to be helpful to me... just a thought. (And a good one- not one who won't understand or trigger you even more.)
Dx - DID

Brandic (me), Asher, RAGE, Samantha, young violent part, young me (scared part), protector (semi-mute), "the part who feels no pain"

My blog:
http://nothinginmynoggin.wordpress.com/
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Postby Kerry H » Sat Jul 09, 2011 1:46 am

Tylas I'm feeling a bit better now thanks. My appointment got cancelled last minute and it messed with my head. I don't do change, I particularly don't do unexpected change. Brandic it's good to know I'm not alone. I sort of do need company, but I can't cope with other people. It's too hard trying to pretend to be normal when I'm suicidal, with severe mood swings, obsessions, compulsions, paranoid thoughts, and awake nightmares too. I can't keep up the pretence that I'm fine for long, so I stay away from people. But I do such a good job of acting ok that the only people who realize how ill I am is my social worker and CBT lady, but even they don't know about the DID. At least they are there to help me exist through life. Everyone else thinks I'm slightly weird but basically fine. I don't have therapy, except the CBT which has done all it can for me. I can't afford to pay privately and there is no therapy available to me for free at the moment. I know I have been put on the waiting list for art therapy so maybe that will help. I don't know what to do. I only know I can't pick myself up and get on with life like the whole world wants me to. The more I feel that pressure, the more I fall apart. Everyone wants me to "get better" get back to "normal", but I've never been well my whole life and I barely know what "normal" is lol. I just want to be me and I feel like I'm not allowed to, like society insists that I change to fit in better. I don't see why I should, I'm not a horrible person. I like me, my friends like me, so why can't I just BE me? Even if being me means being ill and not doing a great job of taking care of myself without support. I want to accept myself for who I am, but that's hard when I feel that society in general doesn't accept me. X
I feel like hiding.
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