by Kerry H » Sat Jul 09, 2011 1:46 am
Tylas I'm feeling a bit better now thanks. My appointment got cancelled last minute and it messed with my head. I don't do change, I particularly don't do unexpected change. Brandic it's good to know I'm not alone. I sort of do need company, but I can't cope with other people. It's too hard trying to pretend to be normal when I'm suicidal, with severe mood swings, obsessions, compulsions, paranoid thoughts, and awake nightmares too. I can't keep up the pretence that I'm fine for long, so I stay away from people. But I do such a good job of acting ok that the only people who realize how ill I am is my social worker and CBT lady, but even they don't know about the DID. At least they are there to help me exist through life. Everyone else thinks I'm slightly weird but basically fine. I don't have therapy, except the CBT which has done all it can for me. I can't afford to pay privately and there is no therapy available to me for free at the moment. I know I have been put on the waiting list for art therapy so maybe that will help. I don't know what to do. I only know I can't pick myself up and get on with life like the whole world wants me to. The more I feel that pressure, the more I fall apart. Everyone wants me to "get better" get back to "normal", but I've never been well my whole life and I barely know what "normal" is lol. I just want to be me and I feel like I'm not allowed to, like society insists that I change to fit in better. I don't see why I should, I'm not a horrible person. I like me, my friends like me, so why can't I just BE me? Even if being me means being ill and not doing a great job of taking care of myself without support. I want to accept myself for who I am, but that's hard when I feel that society in general doesn't accept me. X
I feel like hiding.