Newbie. Voices went away 1 year, then returned. Please help!

Hello everyone,
I was wondering if anyone had any info on DID going into remission. I'm sorry this is long, but I hope you'll read it as I would really appreciate any help.

I have had various psych issues since early childhood. I grew up in a very abusive home and these issues didn't begin to be properly addressed until I was removed from the home. I received many different diagnoses over the years, but nothing seemed to completely help or fit. PTSD was the closest anyone got to an accurate dx. A couple years ago I started seeing a new therapist who diagnosed DID. All the symptoms fit my experience, but I couldn't accept the diagnosis. I saw this therapist for a year, working on integration. But I somehow managed to tell myself I didn't really have DID, I just had the symptoms... Trust me, I know how ridiculous that sounds.

As the therapy got more intense, I got scared. I was learning more about each personality, and starting to have much clearer communication. My husband developed better relationships with the alters and could recognize them. It was getting impossible to keep denying the diagnosis. I felt afraid that I was 'going crazier' and would never be 'fixed' if this were the truth. It suddenly felt like I had to escape in order to 'save myself'. So I left therapy. I decided I was going to find a doctor who would diagnose me as something else. And that's what I did. I was diagnosed as bipolar, in large part due to the fact that my father has bipolar/antisocial personality disorder and my mother is bipolar/borderline and heredity is considered such a huge factor. I do have symptoms of bipolar, and don't think the diagnosis is wrong, I just think maybe it's not all there is to it. I was put on a mood stabilizer (depakote), which did help me to some extent. And after a while, the voices stopped. My brain felt strangely empty. I started having trouble holding conversations or completing tasks I used to be able to do without trouble, because the information was no longer there. I was used to someone else 'chiming in'. But I was also willing to deal with it, because I was largely able to function in the outside world without having my PTSD triggered, my night terrors and time loss mostly stopped, and I was able to work again.

Recently I started having panic attacks, crying fits, depressive episodes, etc. My doctor put me on a low dose of zoloft. It has helped my panic attacks and depression a lot. But I also started having the vivid, wild dreams (not the night terrors) I used to often have before I was put on depakote. In the dreams I see the alters and talk to them, and we often relive the day before, with them showing me any pieces I blanked out on. And I started hearing the voices again. Not all the time, but here and there throughout the day, and a lot when I'm stressed or tired. They talk me through rough patches at work. And I'm waking up to them talking again (this used to happen everyday). I'm depersonalizing in a 'positive' way - like when I was having a really hard day at work a couple days ago, I saw another part take over for me - it was like I took a back seat in my own body.

It's hard for me to be using words like 'part' and 'alter' again... I am still trying to deny the possibility of having DID. I don't know what to do now that the denial is proving impossible again. Why is this happening? Can certain medications send DID into remission? Can it go into remission on its own? Should I contact my old therapist again? I'm so scared and lost right now. I'm terrified that I'll lose my job and go back to the place I was before therapy: losing time constantly, completely unable to consistently function in the outside world. Please let me know if you have any advice.

Thanks for reading.

Trust me on this one denial is your worst enemy. I denied the possibilities that I could have d.I.d. for a long time after finally accepting it I started to finally make progress I entered therapy and got my diagnosis. I believe my alters have saved my life. I can't imagine what I would be like if I was forced to suffer whatever trama happened. How worse off would I be if these parts of me did not protect me? It is not a shameful thing and you are not crazy by all means. Accepting these parts is the first step to accepting that you have been threw trama, also the first step to healing. If you deny this how will you ever start to heal? These parts were created to help you, and there is no quick fix drug that can send this into remission sadly d.I.d. is not that easy. In my case medication affect each of my alters differently sending this into crisis. And ignoring it hoping it will go away in time may just worsen the problem. I suggest you do see the doctor that diagnosed you with d.I.d. or possibly get another who specializes in trama. Your parts are going to stay with you until they know you can cope in a healthier way, and accept and heal from whatever happened that initiated the split.

Welcome, laundrylist

No, medication does not treat DID. I have heard of hosts denying they have DID, which hurts their alters' feelings, and that makes the alters decide to stay hidden. Of course, they are never really gone. Alters are there to help you, so maybe after things got tough again (panic attacks, etc.), they came because you needed them. Did you ever ask them what happened during that year?

But I somehow managed to tell myself I didn't really have DID, I just had the symptoms... Trust me, I know how ridiculous that sounds.

Not ridiculous at all to me. Two decades ago in therapy, I met inside face-to-face my own "birth" at the body's age two. I recall the incident where the previous host, Little John, broke down when left in a store alone, so I was created as the "braver one." This sudden first knowledge of multiplicity sent me into such panic that alter Jonathan took over for two days, and I was aware and watching if in a fog. Right after this happened, Jonathan went to sleep (for other reasons) but Little John kept visiting for two decades, peeping out from time to time and we walked and talked together. I was able to write this all off -- convincingly to myself and various caregivers bought it -- as a weak form of DID that never really "took root." So I understand denial even in the face of proof.

I must agree completely with chibixal (my underline):

Trust me on this one denial is your worst enemy. I denied the possibilities that I could have d.I.d. for a long time after finally accepting it I started to finally make progress I entered therapy and got my diagnosis.

Inexplicable anxiety and debilitating depression were constant threats for years as I denied DID. I'm not saying that dealing with DID and the underlying abuse that your body tried to keep from you is easier. But to get to real health, you cannot avoid dealing with your DID and your alters. I can say that I'm now free from the original, inexplicable depressions. I know I'll never have them again. I have other pain but it's no worse than the depression and I know it's leading, hopefully, to a healthy mind and inner peace, the way it was supposed to be. That would have been impossible without acknowledging DID and my alters. I've found they are wonderful people, who helped me and protected me selflessly in many cases. I want to repay them for all the good they've done. They deserve it and I'm sure your alters do to.

Thank you so much to all of you for responding. You don't know how much I appreciate it.

chibixal wrote:Accepting these parts is the first step to accepting that you have been threw trama, also the first step to healing. If you deny this how will you ever start to heal?

I have been starting to recognize this - even though I've continued treatment, it has only been for the bipolar diagnosis, not for DID/PTSD. I didn't give my doctor any info about the DID diagnosis because I wanted to escape it. I've made a lot of improvement in many areas, but my PTSD symptoms seem to lie just under the surface. I'll feel perfectly fine, then something triggers a traumatic memory and I'm down for the count. I've known for while that I can't keep ignoring it - I have to get it treated.

chibixal wrote: there is no quick fix drug that can send this into remission sadly d.I.d. is not that easy. In my case medication affect each of my alters differently sending this into crisis.

I'm not looking for a drug to cure the DID, I was just wondering if it was possible that the mood stabilizers and SSRIs were affecting it. I don't understand what made the voices stop for so long, and I thought maybe the drugs had some kind of effect. I know what you mean about medication though - I tend to have very strange reactions to drugs. I've had doctors give me increasingly higher doses, not understanding why the drug was having no effect whatsoever (this goes for all meds, not just psych meds), and then sometimes the smallest dosage of something will render me non-functioning.

chibixal wrote:I suggest you do see the doctor that diagnosed you with d.I.d. or possibly get another who specializes in trama. Your parts are going to stay with you until they know you can cope in a healthier way, and accept and heal from whatever happened that initiated the split.

I think I will get back in contact with my old therapist. I don't live close to her anymore, but maybe she can refer me to someone else.

-- Fri Jul 01, 2011 3:55 pm --

canolime wrote:Welcome, laundrylist

No, medication does not treat DID. I have heard of hosts denying they have DID, which hurts their alters' feelings, and that makes the alters decide to stay hidden. Of course, they are never really gone. Alters are there to help you, so maybe after things got tough again (panic attacks, etc.), they came because you needed them. Did you ever ask them what happened during that year?

I hadn't thought of that... I did forcefully and angrily deny having alters, getting really defensive about it and refusing to engage in any conversation about it. I didn't think it was possible for all the alters to hide for so long after being so active. After I left therapy I tried really hard to go easy on myself, avoid triggers, keep expectations low, etc. I lived at a really slow pace for a while and was able to handle it okay. But now I'm back at work and school, trying to get my life back on track (it's been derailed so many times, and I just want to make some real progress), I've reopened some communication with difficult family members... I think maybe you're right that they're needed again.

I haven't asked about what happened during the last year. I've never been very good at direct question and answer/arranging meetings with the parts. I was working on that with my therapist right before I left. It started to work and I was terrified. Now I don't really know how to start it up again, and I'm scared to do it, anyway. Do you have any tips on this?

-- Fri Jul 01, 2011 4:04 pm --

Johnny-Jack wrote: This sudden first knowledge of multiplicity sent me into such panic that alter Jonathan took over for two days, and I was aware and watching if in a fog. I was able to write this all off -- convincingly to myself and various caregivers bought it -- as a weak form of DID that never really "took root." So I understand denial even in the face of proof.

This is the same experience I had after being faced with the diagnosis. I shut down completely, and then convinced myself that I didn't have "real" DID.

Johnny-Jack wrote:Inexplicable anxiety and debilitating depression were constant threats for years as I denied DID. I'm not saying that dealing with DID and the underlying abuse that your body tried to keep from you is easier. But to get to real health, you cannot avoid dealing with your DID and your alters. I can say that I'm now free from the original, inexplicable depressions. I know I'll never have them again. I have other pain but it's no worse than the depression and I know it's leading, hopefully, to a healthy mind and inner peace, the way it was supposed to be. That would have been impossible without acknowledging DID and my alters. I've found they are wonderful people, who helped me and protected me selflessly in many cases. I want to repay them for all the good they've done. They deserve it and I'm sure your alters do to.

This makes me feel hopeful - I've struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life. It has ruined so many things for me. I can't imagine the joy of being free of it. Do you still have trouble with traumatic memories or losing time? Are you working toward integration, or do you find that your therapy has helped your parts work together successfully?

Think of it like meeting new friend who want to support you they are the key to any sort of hope to recovery. Meet each new friend unjudgmentally and open to hear their story for it is the pieces of the puzzle you need to solve. The more pieces you have cooperating with you the better. Some may be difficult to work with but just remember they might be just as worried, scared, angry, anxious, embarrassed, or unhappy as you might be. But they are not bad people. And its no fault of your own or their own that they are here.

laundrylist wrote:I've never been very good at direct question and answer/arranging meetings with the parts. I was working on that with my therapist right before I left. It started to work and I was terrified. Now I don't really know how to start it up again, and I'm scared to do it, anyway. Do you have any tips on this?

Were you communicating in your head, or on paper? You could try leaving a notebook out where they will see it, and write to them. Maybe start with an apology, and say you would like to start working with them again. Then, ask them to write back to you, in that notebook. If they write back, once you guys are more comfortable with talking, you can start to ask them questions

chibixal wrote:Think of it like meeting new friend who want to support you they are the key to any sort of hope to recovery. Meet each new friend unjudgmentally and open to hear their story for it is the pieces of the puzzle you need to solve. The more pieces you have cooperating with you the better. Some may be difficult to work with but just remember they might be just as worried, scared, angry, anxious, embarrassed, or unhappy as you might be. But they are not bad people. And its no fault of your own or their own that they are here.

Thanks. I'll give that a try.

-- Fri Jul 01, 2011 4:19 pm --

canolime wrote:Were you communicating in your head, or on paper? You could try leaving a notebook out where they will see it, and write to them. Maybe start with an apology, and say you would like to start working with them again. Then, ask them to write back to you, in that notebook. If they write back, once you guys are more comfortable with talking, you can start to ask them questions

I've had better luck communicating on paper. I used to have a designated notebook that they could write in. I actually tore it up after I left therapy because I was so angry and in denial about my diagnosis. I should definitely try that again though. Thank you.

-- Fri Jul 01, 2011 4:21 pm --

Has anyone heard of different alters having different psych issues? For example, in therapy we discussed how one of the parts was extremely depressed. Could it be that that's the part helped by the zoloft? Or that maybe one part actually is bipolar?

laundrylist wrote:Has anyone heard of different alters having different psych issues? For example, in therapy we discussed how one of the parts was extremely depressed. Could it be that that's the part helped by the zoloft? Or that maybe one part actually is bipolar?

Yeah, different alters can have different things going on. Some can be depressed (while others aren't), have different disorders than the other alters do, etc. They can even have different physical problems. Medication can affect you all differently, but I don't know if anyone here can tell you if that's what is going on or not. Maybe you should discuss it with your alters, and with a psychiatrist (if they understand DID well enough).

This makes me feel hopeful - I've struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life. It has ruined so many things for me. I can't imagine the joy of being free of it. Do you still have trouble with traumatic memories or losing time? Are you working toward integration, or do you find that your therapy has helped your parts work together successfully?

Laundrylist,

I don't have tons of the traumatic memories. My gatekeeper is holding back all memories right now, like everything. I haven't lost time, except for brief periods a few times a year, since age 10 or so I'm told. I'm only a few months into a definite diagnosis. Actually, I would welcome a few more flashbacks. They're when I learn more details and things normally feel clearer afterwards. Sort of like when you have food poisoning and you vomit, you feel like crap but better. For some people flashbacks are horrid but I want more. Maybe I'm a bit masochistic, yeah, probably. But I know the body simply must unlock the trauma and replay it so it can become just a memory. I wrote a whole screenplay a decade ago that echoed that precise thought before I knew I had DID. That's the way I see flashbacks and traumatic memories and I mostly only feel pain (or sometimes nothing) in the midst of them. Of course, I know some people have the same repeated flashbacks and those sound horrendous.

We're probably working toward integration. I'm not sure if we could have said that even two days ago. We know we'll all still be here, nobody shut out, and we're already starting to slip back and forth and the non-infants now know and respect each other. Therapy is a necessary safe place we know but progress is slower than I'd prefer. Even if we didn't go, it would be important for us to know such a safe place can exist.