changing who's host - voluntarily stepping down

I've been the completely dominant host of this body for decades. We're all thinking though that I was too warped by the abuse to make this collective life a happy one like we all want. In any case, I'd like to let someone else have a turn. The body is straight but my own sexuality is just too messed up, having been habitually though inactively gay. I've had several romantic yet platonic 'relationships' with women, but we are hankering for a real one, now that we know what went wrong. We know we'd do well but someone else probably needs to be in charge. Integration, if it happens, seems a way off.

We'd have to get a new job and career because the others can't pass themselves off as me and don't want to. Jonathan seems to have complete access to my knowledge and memories so could pull it off skill-wise. I've daydreamed of explaining to everyone in this liberal place that I have DID and that someone else inside will now be performing my job, which is too good to toss away. But it's all too freakin bizarre and it's my chosen career, not theirs. I've thought of sharing hostship, whatever that might mean, but I think it may be time to "retire" as leader.

Has anyone had any experience with changing who is host of the body? If so, how does your system arrive at that decision or did it just happen? Has any host voluntarily stepped down? If so, why?

John, have you read Robert Oxnam's memoir? While working toward integration, in the middle of his therapy he changed which alter was the host (the one out front most of the time). It took him years to come out to everyone about his having DID but I think it worked really well for him. I am finding it very liberating to come out to people.

Working through DID often does involve significant career changes. I think I am going to be making big changes there myself, but I was going in that direction long before finding out about the DID/DDNOS.

John, since I am quite new to all this, I can't offer much in the way of advice. But I just want to say bravo to you for being so open to what your system and your alters (do you call them alters) need. I imagine it's a scary prospect - maybe? - and not a decision you came to easily. But it sounds like you really want wants best for everyone, and are willing to make some big changes to accommodate that.
~caroline

Thanks for the reminder, Una+. I did read that terrific and uplifting biography a few months ago. I've also enjoyed Herschel Walker's Breaking Free, as he's another person with some life achievements while having DID. Come to think of it, it may be Oxnam's example that even gave me the idea that it might be possible. I think I'll re-read it and see how that was for him.

The hypothetical change in hosts feels like taking a big leap of faith and, pre-integration, I'm not sure how we end up tapping my life experience, decision-making abilities, interpersonal skills, etc. But as I recall, Oxnam was able to thrive, if not with the same level of success. But who cares about that compared to mental health, inner peace, and becoming more who you were meant to be? Maybe we'll end up doing even better, who knows. I would hope my useful skills would become part of a final integrated self, but would the crippling inner terror about being straight also come with? I kind of feel like I need to go inside to prevent contaminating the others with my stuff.

The overall sexuality change is a complication I don't know if anyone faces. Okay, somebody somewhere probably does, but what are the chances I'll encounter them? Still it does help to have some life examples of a host change like Oxnam.

I feel similarly about disclosing DID to those I know. I've told just a couple good friends so far and I'm planning to tell the first work colleague. I daydream all the time about telling everybody, starting with work colleagues and family, but in the end I'm cautious, for good reasons I think.

Caroline, it's definitely terrifying at times, like sacrificing myself for the greater good. But I've often had the desire to just go away and leave somebody else in charge. This even before I knew I was DID. I've had suicidal thoughts since young adulthood that have just gotten worse, yet I also didn't think it was logical to destroy a perfectly good body with the outer trappings of a decent life.

I have no advice to offer, but just wanted to acknowledge your bravery!

Please call me Una. Unless I sign as one of the others, that's who I am.

Johnny-Jack wrote:would the crippling inner terror about being straight also come with?

I would think that would respond to some therapy and tincture of time.

Johnny-Jack wrote:The overall sexuality change is a complication I don't know if anyone faces.

Exactly this complication has been mentioned by several other contributors to this forum.

Although all my alters that I am aware of are sexually oriented to men, most are not attached to my husband and at least one is attached to someone else.

Thanks for your comments, Una. I'm also concerned about our ability to be attracted to the same woman. Jonathan likes lithe, urban intellectuals, Jack talks about being with a sturdy, down-to-earth woman who loves the countryside. I don't know how everyone negotiates mismatched attractions but it's reassuring to hear that others with DID manage, despite the difficulties.

I guess the problem feels like something beyond the DID. I should probably look for a forum somewhere on this particular topic. It reads like the National Enquirer: I thought I was gay my whole life but it turns out I'm straight! Because my alters had been asleep for so long, the consciousness collectively moved from feeling entirely gay to knowing it was all a big mistake. Now that everyone's awake, pressure is mounting because I'm still the host and not giving up the gay habits I've had or at least not fast enough.

When my 11-year-old is out, I've been present, and I cause the eyes to keep drifting to men, although we also look at women (I always looked but stopped going further). He's annoyed but remarkably tolerant of this. We've talked about it and he knows about the abuse that caused it. But when my thoughts drift to a graphic memory when he's out, I feel like a total perv. I'm also the type of alter to become infatuated, always to the wrong person, and I really, really don't want to mess things up for my buddies. Maybe they can find some sturdy intellectual woman and split their time between a city and a farm somewhere? I dunno.

Today I was able to absent myself pretty well while my kid was out. I guess I'm practicing going inside. It's been a challenge because I've been outside 99.99% of the time the past few decades.