Problems *possibly triggering*

I feel like such a liar when it comes to having dissociative problems. Sure, I'm grateful that it's not worse for me, as that could cause major problems, but I can never get rid of the doubt I feel over whether what I'm feeling is legitimate or just a cry for attention so pathetic that even I believe it. I've had my pain invalidated my whole life, so I trust no one with my emotions, not even my therapist. I just can't get the courage to tell her, and even when I'm discussing stuff about depression and codependency (another thing I struggle with), I minimize everything. It's almost beyond my control; when I step into her office, major shields go up and I can't just relax. I can't talk about anything hard because it's physically painful to cry in there, and I just don't trust her yet. Are there any tips about learning to trust people? I give surface trust to other very easily, but deep and emotional trust is given to only my closest of friends, and is withdrawn as soon as I believe the other person doesn't reciprocate.

On a different topic, I believe there's something in my mind that prevents the others from communicating effectively or coming forward. My mind is never really relaxed. There's always a song playing in the background, and I'm almost always thinking about something or other. It can drown out the others. I can't ever meditate because my mind just doesn't calm down, and I can't make it. When I do try, the volume gets so loud inside, and usually there's an attempt to push me out of the body. It happened just last night, in fact. I felt like I had been detached from my body, and it rapidly started to go numb. I pushed forward in time to reclaim it, but it was startling. Should I work more on letting them come forward and letting them communicate? Like I said, having dissociation more mildly makes my life much easier.

Sorry this post has been so wild. I just kind of vented, haha. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Ctrl Alt Del wrote:I feel like such a liar when it comes to having dissociative problems. Sure, I'm grateful that it's not worse for me, as that could cause major problems, but I can never get rid of the doubt I feel over whether what I'm feeling is legitimate or just a cry for attention so pathetic that even I believe it.

This is exactly how I've felt and how I often feel now. So, don't worry, you're not alone in that. Denial, from what others have said to me, is common among people with DID, even years after the fact.

I have a lot of trouble trusting too. I'd tricked myself into thinking that I trusted my therapist until last week when she said something and I wanted to just leave the room. I forced myself to back up and just remind myself that trust has to be earned. I reminded myself that she hasn't broken my confidence, that she hasn't hurt me and everything else good about her. Although that doesn't make me trust her, it helps. Perhaps a similar exercise would help with you.

Or, you could talk to yours directly. Last week my therapist said something that was highly unprofessional and made me feel extremely judged and hurt my trust in her. I'm planning on telling her. I want to trust her, but I can't if she does stuff like that. I want to tell her how hard it is for me to trust someone and how scared I really am. I think that telling her how hard trust is, even if it's something she already knows, will serve as a good reminder for her and maybe she can suggest something or do something that will help to build my trust in her.

As for communication, what about writing back and forth? I do that sometimes with various alters (even those with whom I'm co-present) because I feel like it builds trust and communication levels. You could make a contract with your alters too. For example, only certain alters are allowed to come out while I'm at work. The Children, for example, cannot come out at work and they know that if I don't work then they don't get things that require money.

I hope this is helpful to you.

No, its good that you vented, everyone needs to. I've never been diagnosed by a medical doctor with DID and I hate being around people and talking about my problems. I always lie when it comes to me. I always tell the truth, I'm an honest person, but when it comes to who I am, who we are, my alters and I, I just can't talk. I'm the fourth child of five, so I'm kind of pushed out of the limelight, what with my eldest sibling being the firstborn son, second being a screw up, third being a 'Golden Boy' and fifth being a spoiled brat. =/ If I talk about myself, I just make matters worse for everyone, so I shut up. Last time I tried to talk to them about me, it was not good. >_>

I don't know exactly how you feel, but I personally feel as though because I'm not diagnosed by a person with the means to medically diagnose me, along with my problems, that they aren't as bad as others, and therefore have no right to complain. I'm happy with the fact that I'm okay, I'm handling everything really bad well, but I still have some problems that I think are serious but the voice in the back of my head (one of my alters, ironic enough) tells me to shut up and that I'm making it up, trying to get attention because I never get any in the first place.

I argue at first, but then I get convinced that she's right and I shut up. I can't relax either. Even in my sleep I can't relax. It's possible that whenever you're trying to relax, that's an alter who wants to take control. If you are pretty sure that she or he doesn't want you to communicate with others, I suggest you try to approach it. Allow your mind to relax for one moment, for that volume to go up, and reach for it. Don't let it take control, but approach it wearily so you can find out what it actually is. I'm sorry I'm of no good use to you right now.

But I do understand how hard it is for you to open p to people. The ability comes with time. It comes with not listening to the doubts of how bad your problems are, hard as that may be. And maybe I rad you situation differently, and you don't have any of those problems. But make sure that if you would like to let them come forward, that they aren't dangerous, as in take over and screw your life up as you know it, because I've heard of that happening to people. I'm not trying to scare you to the point of rejecting them without a second thought, truly I'm not. I have alters who are like y mother and sister, who I talk to and love most in all the world. They actually might be there to help with the problems of not talking to people, like my first alter did. Even though I don't talk to anyone, I do talk to her, and even though that's not exactly what's super great for me, it is the next best thing, I think. PM me whenever you'd like!

If you can't talk about these things to your therapist, have you considered writing a letter where you explain these things? I sort of understand how hard it is to trust even a therapist. But you got to take a leap of faith in order to start building good communication in any case.

Speaking about things is hard for me too, and crying in front of someone is the worst case scenario. I've talked about my problems (mostly other than DID-related, I've had a great deal of stress this year) only twice with a psychologist, and against my careful plans, I've cried each time and also said things I didn't plan to tell just yet. And you know what, although it has made me feel blue afterwards and like I'm 'deeper' in my problems, it has also made me a lot calmer, and stronger when I face people. I think that speaking MY truth has had that effect.

What's more, the more your therapist knows of your actual situation, the better he/she can help you and suggest ways of helping yourself. Who knows, maybe the kind of meditation you have been trying now isn't the best possible way for you to calm down at the moment. But yeah, although it's difficult, I think that you need to start finding ways of sharing your real thoughts and problems with the therapist. If it seems impossible at the moment, at least consider telling her that there are things you feel that she should know more about but you don't feel ready to talk about them just yet.

Just this morning we were talking with our therapist about future goals....we have been seeing her for 5 years and not all of us trust her to this day. She made it very clear....trust within clients who have dissociative issues is the hardest part of therapy, and it takes the longest....it will come, and if it doesn't perhaps a new therapist might be an option. Good luck!

Sometimes I feel embarrassed, other times I feel like I'm being silly and fooling myself, and we're all 3000% sure I have DID
Denial is common and it helps when things are bewildering. Sometimes I'm in a constant state of disbelief.
Other times I'm pretty accepting.

For me, I find that writing to myself and meditating helps to talk to my alters. Going into a deep meditation, and
focusing on any little part of yourself that seems activated and sitting with it and eventually asking it questions and waiting for a response is a way that IFS therapists have non-DID patients
talk to their parts. Some people are better trained to talk to their parts. It is a process that comes with time. It might help for you!

I know what you mean about the music playing
F in my system loves to play music randomly and I usually tune it out but I'll start giggling madly if I actually listen in-
he loves to change the lyrics of music to really silly things and I can't help but laugh!
He usually does that to keep the system in a good mood, or maybe he's just being playful and silly

Give yourself time to trust your therapist. My alters actually didn't even come out for quite a few sessions, it's been a few
years and some of them are only starting to come out (although we've worked with most of them I think).
Talk to your therapist about your concerns and find out if they know anything about dissociative disorders.
Remember, DID is just a label.
What is important, DID or not is that you get the help you need so that you feel great.
My therapist worked with me without a label or diagnosis until I got diagnosed, because that's the right thing to do
If you have easier time with a different therapist, try that!
Good luck and try not to beat yourself up! The forums are a great place to vent and ask questions!

I probably can't help, as am learning just as much as you, but I relate to this a lot.

Ctrl Alt Del wrote:I feel like such a liar when it comes to having dissociative problems. Sure, I'm grateful that it's not worse for me, as that could cause major problems, but I can never get rid of the doubt I feel over whether what I'm feeling is legitimate or just a cry for attention so pathetic that even I believe it.

I feel exactly the same way.

Ctrl Alt Del wrote:I just can't get the courage to tell her, and even when I'm discussing stuff about depression and codependency (another thing I struggle with), I minimize everything. It's almost beyond my control; when I step into her office, major shields go up and I can't just relax. I can't talk about anything hard because it's physically painful to cry in there, and I just don't trust her yet. Are there any tips about learning to trust people? I give surface trust to other very easily, but deep and emotional trust is given to only my closest of friends, and is withdrawn as soon as I believe the other person doesn't reciprocate.

Time i think, is the only way to develop trust, a little bit at a time. and if it really isn't working with one therapist, maybe try someone else, but its hard to tell when its that and when its trust issues.

"I" managed to cry in front of my therapist until i realised it wasn't me and trying to figure out why i was crying about was just a guessing game, (but maybe that's not a bad thing if some part of me was getting something out of the therapy.) then E. got angry about discussing all the different parts "cause that was just weak pathetic nonsense" (even tho she is one?!!) and i couldn't tell one thing from another. the therapist pissed off E. and she convinced her "its all me really" then she pissed off both of us by taking about finding somewhere between being a big character and a little one, cause the only versions of me she had met were me being very nervous/apprehensious about explaining it all, child parts of me getting upset about the past, and then E. saying ok this has got far enough, im putting a stop to this #######4! and me thinking i dont get it!!!! but at the same time there is so much "blending" sometimes i cant tell whats what.

Ctrl Alt Del wrote:On a different topic, I believe there's something in my mind that prevents the others from communicating effectively or coming forward. My mind is never really relaxed. There's always a song playing in the background, and I'm almost always thinking about something or other. It can drown out the others. I can't ever meditate because my mind just doesn't calm down, and I can't make it. When I do try, the volume gets so loud inside, and usually there's an attempt to push me out of the body. It happened just last night, in fact. I felt like I had been detached from my body, and it rapidly started to go numb. I pushed forward in time to reclaim it, but it was startling. Should I work more on letting them come forward and letting them communicate? Like I said, having dissociation more mildly makes my life much easier.

Sorry this post has been so wild. I just kind of vented, haha. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I've got similar concerns too - "what should i be doing with this". Its a difficult question. I relate to the part about not having something so badly making your life easier - i think its got to come down to individual circumstances and what is right for you. i think working towards communication is probably always important tho - ?