Visiting a parent. A joint decision? *May trigger*

Una+, that is good advice. My younger sister told the cousin about some of the mother's abuse and to my knowledge, the cousin never told anyone outside the family. Still, no need to share everything right now and perhaps she's not the appropriate support when I might need it. My mother started the hatred thing. Certain people, usually people close to her, like family members or good friends, due to some perceived slight inexplicably turn out to have been horrible people and suddenly everyone has to agree with her. It's a tiring game. I thought she was borderline for several years, maybe one of her alters is, I don't know.

My goal is not to cause my mother to have a breakdown or turn on me but I know that's possible no matter how I approach it. Oddly enough, she never really shuts down. It's interact or attack. I'm going to have to make a list of what I would want to happen, what are the results I'm looking for, what do I want to avoid, etc. Then I have to figure out where the best possible place is for me to come from when I talk to her.

If I go there and my toddlers were to let me know somehow I should tell her they were hurt badly or something like that, well, they're more important to me than her feelings. I believe an offspring's long-term well-being is more important than the parent's, speaking in terms of evolution. There's a reason most animals don't eat their own young. Still, I'd like a positive result that avoids hurt.

We're only ever responsible for our own feelings.
If you approach a situation with love and good intent, and you try not to force another person to be anything
more than they want for themselves, then you did your best.

Your mom is an adult and she's responsible for herself.
You should do what's best for you, and I hope whatever you choose is in your best interest.
Sincerely ask yourself what you will get out of disclosure.

If you can see that it will be difficult to avoid confrontation, prepare yourself for a worst case scenario,
and make sure you have somewhere to unwind afterwards.
Littles can be extremely sensitive to rejection and hurt, but if you all help each other out it'll be a little easier.

I sincerely hope the best for you!

the only other thing i can think of is do you have any friends you feel would come with you? Ones that won't have an agenda when it comes to your mother. You don't want someone messing it all up by jumping in at the wrong second and causing her to spaz.

Yep, that's kind of the way we feel. She's an adult, she needs to step up too, as best she can. Her host alter is well read and fairly sophisticated about people. She can also be kind and caring if she's approached with respect. Fawning admiration works better but no way.

Whew, we just spent a long time discussing this, aloud and inside. After I begin talking to the mother, we're now thinking about letting Jack do much of the negotiation. He's only 11 but he's kind of not too. He has access to some of my maturity or has been quickly earning it on his own, we're not sure. To remain undetected as a kid, he had to keep quiet a lot growing up in a small Midwestern town. And that was tough because he's outgoing and a talker. Being in eastern Kentucky the past few days, where virtually everyone talks like him, has made him kind of come into his own. He doesn't slouch and shuffle and look at the ground now.

We also figure if the mother pretends not to believe our DID or believe in DID, just let Jack open his mouth and there would remain little doubt.

Jack is the only one who can remain objective. He had just a couple dozen short interactions with her ever. The mother isn't his, though he kind of gets that she is biologically the body's parent. He was reluctant about the idea until we asked him to try. He has a no-nonsense practicality that's hard to ruffle or get off track. He practiced talking to her today, in a Kentucky laundromat, and we were impressed. He can appeal to her reasoning, the mother's host alter's desires, which we know well. We're not sure how to deal with and appeal to her angry alter(s), but we know we'll have to try. We can also appeal to her fears but we won't go there unless we have to.

I think there may be one person who can be neutral. She's a nurse and knows the mother quite well, but we don't know if there'll be time to explain it all. If someone pops out who's not supposed to, three of us are willing to jump back in and we're the strongest alters, I think. If the mother starts to breakdown, really breakdown, we would get her help and we might even consider moving back to the state if she played fair. But she has her own internal defenses too, her alters, and they've kept her going this long.

Among other things, we want to ask her to leave some of her money in her will to my younger sister, the one who hasn't spoken to her in 20 years, the one who was most damaged by her and who deserves an apology. We want her to generate that apology for the little sister. We don't know if that's all possible, but want to try, though it may be too much for this visit. Now that we know all, we want, we need to start cleaning up this mess as best we can. We're going to have to summon our collective strength, and that strength seems to radiate from Jack.