Let's start off like this: I'm Vick, fairly young in age to be thinking about things like this and DID is the closest I've ever come to finding something which fits my personality. Or personalities, if we're going to put it that way, but I truly have no idea if it's correct and I really don't want to be mistaken about this.
Up until recently, I've been very emotionally unstable. Two years ago, I was an utter wreck, switching moods within seconds and hating and loving my friends at the same time in so many ways. That's partially why my current best friend and I aren't exactly 'best's any more. But I was completely confused about everything, and life seemed like a total wreck. I made people cry, I cried myself, and I hated myself so much and still do. I often think of it as the offset to all the junk I'm still dealing with now. It's been downhill emotionally from there, and a quick bit of looking towards my future (I'll get to that in a second) told me that I was probably going to go even further, and get involved in things I never want to do. So I decided to do some soul-searching, and so far, it's been okay. I've found myself to be a romantic asexual and I'm fine with it, though it's given birth to more of these utterly unceasing worries I have.
I believe that I was emotionally abused when I was 6-7 over the course of two years by two different people. From an outsider's view, it wouldn't look like abuse. I had two best friends in those two years who messed with my mind, making me believe them to be dead, that there was supernatural forces out there, that I was stupid and they were helping me. It could be mistaken for a child's fantasy, and maybe it was for them, but I've always had an idealized idea of what a friend should be like and everything they said, I believed. All of their constant dying on me, the way they would make me feel so pathetic and stupid of all things, seriously affected me to the point where I was devastated when they both left at the end of each of their respective years. It crushed me. I've always been very emotionally invested (though now I'm unsure as to whether that was me or not) and it always felt like I couldn't survive without someone I could practically leech happiness off. During the time I was friends with them I recognized nothing bad in the way they acted until literally a couple of months ago: I blamed myself for years. The year after that I latched onto another person, and she's been a lovely rock to lean on ever since.
But the thing is, that experience made me distrustful and very very alone ever since. It messed with my entire mind, and I've never thought the same way. The year after those two I was very unstable emotionally, switching between moods incessantly and creating reasons for it, and without someone to latch onto - I'm somewhat like a limpet - I needed to find a new way to get this indescribable feeling of happiness which I still crave today (though I've ceased any attention-seeking from before). The way I found was laughter, and I did anything to make people laugh because it gave me this warm feeling euphoria which made me feel utterly fantastic. Anything, including getting myself into trouble a fair few times.
Now, I'm very confused, and unsure if what I'm experiencing is actually DID or something close to it. This constant euphoria I feel has either developed into a very natural feeling persona, or an actual personality. Whenever I'm around people I want to say something witty, and I feel unable to stop myself. When I feel like this I feel like it's my only reason for living - and then later, when I'm alone, I'm suddenly a different person. When given space I can think about things in a logical way and predict things I'd never be able to in this 'bubbly' persona of mine, and I'm able to actually think rather than this mindless, laughing thing I am around other people.
They are, essentially, two different things/people. When I'm in what I'll call my 'thinking' mode I'll eat very little, look at the word cynically, actively seek to deal with my emotional issues, try to help people emotionally, often fall into a half-manic depressed state and like and hate different things. It's completely and utterly different when I'm in the 'bubbly' mode, and they're almost polar opposites. It gives me a headache a lot when I try to define the 'why' behind it. The only thing is, though DID seems fairly similar to what I think is going on (and I say think because I'm very deceptive into my self/selves) I always feel like I control this thinking thing but I'm not thinking at all in 'bubbly'. It feels strange, and I've got a lot of self-identifying issues surrounding it, but that's the most basic issue: is that someone else or me still? I've read about some people's experiences, and they talk about how their different identities will talk and have personalities outside of when they're controlling the body: but I have no clue as to what they're like besides increasingly faulty recollections. I'm always just 'Vick': I've never felt the need to take on a new name in either persona, and the changes in likes and dislikes - rapid as they are - always feel natural.
Complying with the Wiki answers which apply to me: Headaches and pains - I get bad headaches regularly, though worse always when I have little sleep. My bones 'click' a lot when I'm moving around, and my back has a tendency to ache unless I make a bridge with my body and crack it.
Severe memory loss - Not exactly severe, but I often read things or watch things as one of the two afore-mentioned moods, and remember very little while in 'bubbly'. After 'bubbly' details quickly become foggy and- well, put it this way. I can't remember immediately what I talked or did specifically today unless I think hard. Nothing in the morning, certainly.
Flashbacks of abuse/trauma - Not true flashbacks in the sense of the word, but I remember very little behind the age of 11, when I had the massive emotional breakdown. The only very strong things I can remember of these friends which I can rely on are the very emotional experiences - such as when I had an outburst, or when I was scared of them. This pretty much goes on for all the way up to 11: I barely remember anything from then.
Paranoia: I was very paranoid about a year ago, but this is pretty much turned into looking for the bad in everyone. (aka, the 'thinking' thing.
Frequent anxiety/panic attacks & Depression: Yes. So many times, often while thinking, I've just dissolved into utter hopelessness and seeing a very bleak life in front of me. My friends, after a couple of times seeing this, now joke that I'm depressed. Any time I've tried to tell them that yes, it might be serious, they're completely dismissive due to the 'bubbly' personality. Possibly why I'm so leery about doing anything about this besides research on the internet.
Multiple mannerisms, attitudes and beliefs which are not similar to each other: As said before, there's 'bubbly' and 'thinking'. Opposite ends of the spectrum which constantly try to override one another all the time. Mainly, I consider myself the thinking since I usually concentrate on directing myself thought-wise, where as it's like I can't do a thing in 'bubbly'.
I'm looking mainly for perhaps a vague confirmation of this (though I know most likely that anyone who reads this probably isn't experienced in diagnosing people), because I'm extremely anxious about going to our GP and being called a liar and delusional. My family already thinks something weird is going on since I'm asking if I can see her sometime and I can't talk to anyone I know because I have low self-esteem among other issues which hinder me on the serious side of things. This has been going on for so long and been causing so much unnecessary grief that I just need some sort of reassurance that it's not just me and there's nothing wrong with this.
Thanks for taking the time to read.
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