Attachment

A recent thread[1] developed an interesting tangent about problems of attachment. Searching through the psychforums.com archives[2] I find many threads about attachment problems in personality disorder forums but none here. Here in this DID forum the closest we have come previously is my own thread.[3] Many people with sex and love addictions and personality disorders, also limerence, and a substantial minority of married people who have affairs, seem to be having problems with attachment. I see the same problem described over and over again on infidelity recovery support groups, by people who are simply bewildered. Normal people just don't understand what is going on. Despite hearing me talk about my own attachment problem for hours on end, some of my most supportive friends have taken months to understand that I do not merely "have the hots" for the man. In fact, for the most part my feelings for him are not erotic. What I feel is an intense attachment that at times is overwhelming. I told him it felt most like the attachment to my babies when they were newborns. That was too much for him and we have no further contact.

[1] Do you know what you look like when you "switch"?
dissociative-identity/topic65967.html

[2] Advanced search of all psychforums.com for threads with "attachment" in the subject line
search.php?keywords=attachment&terms=all&author=&sc=1&sf=titleonly&sr=posts&sk=t&sd=d&st=0&ch=300&t=0&submit=Search

[3] Alter in love was a mystery to me
dissociative-identity/topic64683.html

I find the topic fascinating. I always knew I had issues with it, but labeled it "connection" until I read about attachment in an Early Childhood Education class I took in my mid-20s. When it really hit home was when my alters (at the time, I was only willing to call them "states") were behaving toward my therapist like my 2.5-year-old behaves toward me. I'm really lucky that he perceived it intuitively and is so accepting as well, because it was so hard to admit to him that I was getting switched into these disabling states of separation anxiety.

My husband jokes constantly, especially since I am so open about my transference feelings toward my therapist, about me being interested in my therapist sexually or vice versa (I guess when my husband was seeing him, before I was, he said he thought I was "good wife material" and that stuck in my husband's head as something other than a compliment about my husband's choice of partner). Anyway, it has become a joke between a few friends and also my sister, who was living with us for a few months during my early therapy. It's actually really upsetting to me, because I know that's not what they want. They just want someone who will be safe and close at the same time. No one has been both...they are always being rejected (pushed away) or invaded. Even my husband kind of perpetuates the "too much" and "not enough" messages that are buried deep down. In a lot of ways, I married a much more stable, nicer version of my mother. I guess that is common for people working through this kind of thing. Anyway, I'd be interested in anyone else's experience with attachment and/or related transference relationships.

For more info on attachment, look at the work of Allan N Shore. Considered by many to be the "Einstein" of Neuropsychology and Attachment.

http://www.allanschore.com/articles.php

DID is an attachment [dis]order. More on this later as I have to go out shortly but for the time being you can look at my website where I talk about DID and attachment.

yakusoku wrote:When it really hit home was when my alters (at the time, I was only willing to call them "states") were behaving toward my therapist like my 2.5-year-old behaves toward me. I'm really lucky that he perceived it intuitively and is so accepting as well, because it was so hard to admit to him that I was getting switched into these disabling states of separation anxiety.

i had a 3ish? yr old who was nothing but "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!!!!" lol

yakusoku wrote:In a lot of ways, I married a much more stable, nicer version of my mother. I guess that is common for people working through this kind of thing.

I did once get involved with someone where my issues were played out, but since i knew what was going on, and as things have changed for me what enabled my problems before has started to seem completely unappealing to me now. a lot of that happened after that relationship tho, which was just painful, (really glad that didn't work out cause from where i was coming from it was just based on that problem, not something real.) the rest has come with some healing.

UnmotheredChild wrote:DID is an attachment [dis]order. More on this later as I have to go out shortly but for the time being you can look at my website where I talk about DID and attachment.

That's interesting. i would say it looks to me like i've actually been dealing with an attachment disorder i.e. had something like RAD as a kid, and would either not attach at all, or form sudden insecure attachments. i suppose everything is related, especially since that attachment was working through other parts of me than my core self. attachment now works through a lot of parts of me, but now through all parts of me who are "out" than through triggering traumatised child parts. i.e. real attachment, not simulated attachment.

I'd agree with that. My youngest one wasn't abused when we were little, as far as I can tell, but something happened with the whole mom/daughter bond that mucked her up. I also have major issues with the "All or nothing" attachment, especially with violet.

I've made some progress, but I still have to try to work to overcome the temptation to find a single person and put them in the position my mom took in my life. I want to go back to being mostly mindless tool of a person I latch onto and basically make into a "god" who tells me what reality should be, what to think, feel, believe, be, etc. and basically takes responsibility for and controls everything about me, more or less, just because it's what I'm comfortable with, and because I haven't had many chances to have really close relationships outside of that messed up, manipulative, abusive mother-daughter one.

~~~~~Possible trigger? Generalizes references~~~~~~
[I have a hard time telling, so just in case, because when I'm thinking/speaking of such things, I intellectualize it to the point where I can't tell what triggers.]

As mucked-up as it is, she still longs for it. And beyond that, she wants a relationship like we had before mom started to reject/manipulate us, where she just has to be safe and secure and wholly reliant upon the person while they're nice and loving and does everything for her.

Obviously, that's not a healthy relationship for an adult, so it's hard.

It's still supremely unnerving to have to try to self-direct, and it's hard to try to find and maintain relationships where I don't either completely overwhelm the person or run away and completely reject them/force them to reject me.

The thing is, these things can pass down through generations, mimicking the effects of genetics, which throws a spanner in the works of the tendency to try and separate this in to a black and white, genetic versus nurture, debate.

http://www.allanschore.com/pdf/SchoreBr ... akdown.pdf

It's the "Elephant in the room" so to speak

Another prominent thinker about attachment is Daniel Stern.[1] It was his more technical work that helped me understand my alter's attachment needs. He is a member of the Boston Change Process Study Group, which has many relevant articles on its website.[2] Additional relevant articles are on David Baldwin's website.[3]

[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daniel_Ste ... ologist%29
[2] http://www.changeprocess.org/index.html
[3] http://www.trauma-pages.com/

My personal experience is that each part has a different attachment to the abuser/s. Hence each part deals with relationships differently now as an adult. Back than one part had to deal with good parent, another part with bad parent [that is just a very basic explanation] A disorganised attachment develops. You might find this helpful. Or you might not.
http://www.peterbarach.com/MPD%20as%20a ... sorder.htm

I kinda wish they were a wee bit less technical. The one who wants this particular info so she can figure out what's going on with her and try to fix it can't get through all the big words, while the one that can get through all the big words can't seem to try to translate it into applying it to our experience, if that makes sense. >_>; Those are two we have a hard time translating between.