Do you know what you look like when you "switch"?

Yakusoku, you seem to have an unusually good understanding of how your alters need attachment not sex. How did that come about?

Sorry if the below ends up going very off topic.

***Very vague triggers, but because the question refers to sex, so does the answer***
Hrm...is it common to confuse the two? The majority of the transference I have experienced in my life has been with older males my dad's age and has been completely parental. I've only recently come to explicitly understand that as the activity of an alter, but years ago when I "put away" those sort of relationships, I did call it "quarantining" those parts or aspects of me. I won't say there has never been erotic transference underlaying those attachment feelings, but that is also from a specific part and happened at a very young age (like under 10) due to some stuff that's probably too triggering to share here, but suffice to say, the way those attitudes played out were so unhealthy and age-inappropriate that it was plainly obvious those desires were linked to something that went very wrong that I was trying to feel in control of by directing them at someone who would actually be safe. And now that the kids are out again, that (unfortunately young) part of me still flares up in my relationship due to the fact that my husband's sleep disorder means I have had a lot of invasive experiences in my life and they were more frequent than completely consensual experiences. Has that part tried to target my therapist? A little bit, but since I've had this experience before and know this particular part really well from years of just experiencing her, that what she really wants is just safe connection. However, she anticipates no one will love her unless they want to invade, so she has learned to be comfortable with the idea of invasion. It makes me pretty sad.

Anyway, how do I know all of this? It's a really good question. It's hard for me to explain it. My therapist has said from the moment he started reading my journals that he thought I had studied psychology (the closest I have gotten is a couple of Early Childhood Education courses in which attachment did come up). He is so intrigued by my processing that he has read over 220 pages of 1.15 spaced writing in nine months and declines every time I offer to stop sending it to him. I told him our second week that I did not do need and dependency, because I start to try to replace my father and feel humiliated and disgusted by that part of me. I described it having happened in high school with a teacher (which I realized at the time and shut down on purpose). I was aware of doing it in middle school as well and already had an abusive part that restricted me from connecting (reaching out for attachment) in that way. When he offered texting and other support, due to self-destructive impulses that were an attempt to manage those attachment feelings, I warned him again that I could not moderate connections appropriately, that it would be "all on or all off," but he didn't believe me. So, when I got desperately attached and read up on the technical term of transference and realized how common it was, I basically came at him with a map of my transference relationship with him and told, "See! I told you so! Look what you made me do!" I think that is why I was able to so successfully manage/hide these things for so long...that and the assumption that this was all a lot more common than it is.

I'm not even sure if I answered your question, because I've felt like I've known since I was very little that I was seeking a parental attachment, even if I didn't have the right words to label it with. I always saw the sexual stuff as a blip that was very specifically related to me being "broken." Maybe I am wrong there, though, if other people have kiddos who confuse the two.

Edit: Ugh, I feel like I am coming across as pretty arrogant here, but all I'm trying to say is that I'm pretty intuitive about my "inner world" as my therapist calls it. It's to the point that many articles I've read since I allowed myself to explore DID, attachment, etc. were more jargony versions of things I've already written in my journal. For example, I had labeled my most abusive/persecutorial part as a "caretaker," because I knew it had a protective function to fend off attachment. Just Saturday, I read an article on how persecutorial alters are transformed protectors who see the host or other alters as the current threat to the safety of the system. If you had changed the word persecutorial to abusive and alters to parts or states, then I had basically already floated that theory in my journal a few months earlier.

When we switch, our eyes will kinda of go glassy, and one friend said our pupils dilate a little bit. I always end up twitching, though, like an upper body jerk. It kinda hurts me head and neck.
Our postures and expressions are pretty different, too. Like, for example, I can't sit up straight for the life of me, yet Lilith has great posture. And Amon looks extrememly angry while Sammy is very relaxed and open.

Well I don't think it's noticeable and most people wouldn't associate seizures with DID you know? If someone's having a seizure I'd be more like OMG call the ambulance. Or thinking they're demon possessed if I'm psychotic or something, like last time someone rolled their eyes into their head I've had my eyes roll into my head before btw, and no one even figured I was having a seizure, people were just like oh...and only one person noticed. I don't have DID btw, but I sort of think I do because I can relate to you guys. I was talking to this one girl once and she said "your face looked different suddenly". It really scared me!

Right ^_^ And I was recently told by my ex that she could not only see it in my eyes, posture - but she sensed my aura change. Apparently, Bridgitte exuded sexuality XD I suppose I have to believe her, since she was the first and only person to ever come in contact with her.

Typically one or both eyes squint a bit and flutter, as if a gust of wind or dust has or is about to blow into them or a bright light is suddenly aimed my eyes. Sometimes I close my eyes and lower my head. If my 11-year-old alter is about to take over, there's often a bit of a prelude before the rest of the switch: the mouth does this funny scrunching, characteristic of Jack. If one of us is out and drifts, kind of stops focusing on anything while another alter wants to think something through, the thinking one takes over so subtly -- no outer sign -- that even we aren't sure which one is in front for a few moments.

When we're out 'walking together,' the switches are probably barely noticeable. Usually when we switch while walking, the body just keeps going but occasionally the switch takes a bit more focus than we anticipated or we have to close our eyes longer than usual and we stumble.

If we need to switch quickly, as when someone we know walks up, we usually can do it subtly. But when we put energy into dampening the outer visual effects, I (the host) am sometimes a little blank on return. For example, if someone suddenly shows up in front of me and starts talking, it takes a few moments for me to play back what they said and sometimes the first part is just lost.

There is definitely a lot of posture changes and facial expressions. I know when Vicky comes out, I walk taller and have a more "catwalk" attitude with a smirk, but when Jack comes out I slouch a lot and have no emotion on my face. The moment in between is usually a long out of focus gaze, and then I come back in focus I guess and someone else is doing the work while I'm pushed to the side. Sometimes I can feel my head hurting in specific places for each of them too. Most of the time it's like my eyes just can't adjust, like bad reception on an old TV.

I also noticed when I switch during flashbacks or memories popping up, I get a twitch, I think it's in my neck it jerks my head to the side just slightly but very quickly. It's really weird .

I haven't paid attention, because DID diagnosis (potential) is fairly recent for me, but I do know that there are a few different postures I have, which are not "mine" that happen in therapy.

One is sitting back against the couch with my arms behind my head and my leg crossed with my left ankle sitting on my right knee (the way my dad used to sit). I don't know who that is, but it is a strange position for me, because I'm "wide open" and usually don't feel safe like that. I'm pretty sure when I've sat on the floor with my knees pulled into me and my head buried in my knees, that is my four-year-old...because we have the hardest time understanding what's going on and speaking in that position. I have an irritated, arms folded in front of me kind of hugging myself position that I think is my girl teen (16). Occasionally, I'm leaning forward and in a playful and teasing mood, and I think that is my 10-12-year-old. My guy teen (13-14?) is usually the one who leaves the session, because the others have trouble with that role, and is like, "Bye! (Get me the f--- out of this ridiculous place)." The others have too much trouble leaving, but sometimes he is such an a-hole about it that once I have gotten outside and come to my senses, I have had to go back in and apologize for leaving so rudely. I have at least three names already, but they're not ready for me to share...

I have some distinct ego states, parts, that I am pretty sure are not dissociated identities or blends of dissociated identities. I think the Internal Family Systems folks are correct that everyone has these. In one ego state I sit like a self-assured man, with arms and knees apart, ankle on other knee. And yes this is wide open, as yakusoku says.

It varies, can be instant or last a few minutes. Depends on whoever is front and how easy it is for them to shift to the back. Since we have a lot of co-consciousness, there's shared memories of how it feels when others slip out - most of the time we can tell what memory is ours and which one belongs to someone else.

Usually we zone out; if it's a clash of very different "mental waves" or if the switch is being triggered by stress the body will twitch a lot. If it's a peaceful switch we'll just slip in and out and sometimes it's completely fluid. Due to the blending it's sometimes very difficult to tell who's at the front, that weirding out feeling of "who am I?"

Um...let's see. Generally, my head droops a little and my eyes close...when I let someone else take control, I sag a little more and then our body jerks a bit when someone else takes control. The amount of time this takes varies on if it's a completely [mostly anyways lol] controlled switch or involuntary or triggered or whatever--like I don't know if it's exactly the same if it's a completely triggered switch and I'm thrown entirely inside.

I know when we switched on tape and Little Miss Margaret came out, it took a couple minutes. When Dragonfly [our protector] switched out at the grocery store because we felt in danger, it was fast. It was like...we ducked down like we were looking at the bagels, and then BAM! she was out.

Everyone's posture/behavior/etc. is a LOT different. When Baby's out, our shoulders get all hunched up and she looks around the room like she's really scared. If Lissabeth is out, we look very relaxed and happy and serene. If Dragonfly's out, we get this kind of...set tomboyish "ready for anything" look. So that really depends, but if you know me well at all, you can tell that it's not me.