Alter in love was a mystery to me

Una+ wrote:My therapist said I have tremendous executive control. I found out what drives compulsive masturbation among so many victims of abuse, and now I have traced the initial somatic and emotional intrusions to a traumatic memory from infancy. (The man had nothing to do with that.) No wonder Alter 1 does not speak. Too young.

but how can you connect to traumatic memories from infancy? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you're making it up or something, it's just so foreign to me. I mean, I know there was a lot of emotional trauma when I was a baby, who knows maybe more, but I've never felt like I could remember those things, I just always thought since it happened when I was baby I naturally would not remember it.

yet another DID thread I relate to. M was in love with some one in my class, and I got a weird feeling whenever I saw the person, but the feelings didn't make sense to me because I was so not attracted to the person.my T explained later that I have an alter who is in love.

sorry for the short rant

sanan22 wrote:sorry for the short rant

Lol is it bad to rant? cuz I do it all the time on here...maybe I need to start apologizing too sometimes ranting on this forum is the only way TO rant...

dividedtruth89 wrote:but how can you connect to traumatic memories from infancy?

Human infants have far more memories than we give them credit for. Overlaid on those memories is the normal amnesia we all develop for our infancy and early childhood. That means the memories do exist but are not accessible, just like when we lose time. Memories created in episodes of lost time do exist, they just aren't accessible to some alters (ie, to us). However, when the amnesia barriers start to crumble, what comes first are the somatic and emotional fragments of memories.

For many, many months I experienced somatic and emotional flashbacks of a very specific trauma. The only questions were when and where did it happen and who was the perpetrator. I do not have a mental movie of all this, but I do have a handful of new fragments including some visual memories.

-- Tue Aug 09, 2011 2:12 pm --

sanan22 wrote:my T explained later that I have an alter who is in love.

Is this a case of falling in love at first sight? Have you or your T connected this to any trauma? Is your alter M verbal?

sanan22 wrote:my T explained later that I have an alter who is in love.

Is this a case of falling in love at first sight? Have you or your T connected this to any trauma? Is your alter M verbal?[/quote]

S: I don't know much about this case of love or the alter M, I thought the alter in love was Al but N told me about M, before M introduced himself to me. M is verbal.

N: I believe it was a case of love at first sight. and no we haven't talked about this with my T in detail, but if remember I correctly, M was created a while after our first major 'emotional trauma' related to being in love. I'm not sure it that counts as a trauma but that's the closest thing I remember.

Una+ wrote:For almost 1.5 years my Alter 1 has been flooding me with the experience of an unprocessed trauma, in ever greater detail. Finally last week it came to a head and for the first time Alter 1 was able to experience the trauma with a new detachment and awareness of self, rather that remain trapped in a re-experiencing. For me this was a phenomenal experience and I feel that Alter 1 has made big steps toward healing.

Alter 1 now experiences memories of the other man, Alter 1's limerence object, very differently. For my part, I am feeling a confusing, painful mixture of relief and sorrow.

Just lending support. I am amazed at all this you are going through.

First an update. Two weeks have passed since my Alter 1's flashback and big shift. One week ago I had an experience that felt like what happened when my Teen Girl integrated with me. Alter 1 was involved but I was hoping others were too. I just don't know. I think Alter 1 has integrated with me and perhaps also Alter 2 and Alter 4, but were there others? I am feeling different, strange. In particular, where before I experienced Alter 1 in my head, now those feelings are in my body. The longing for the man Alter 1 is in love with used to be all in my head (literally); now its focus is in my chest, but I feel it also throughout my body.

And now a rant. The emphasis in DSM-V on lost time experienced by the host alter is misguided. To the extent that a host alter does not lose time, other alters may lose time. For me the most horrible aspect of my DID is that while I experience 99% of my life certain of my alters are held in stasis and experience 1% of it or less. While "I" live, parts of me do not and collectively we are missing most of our life. When she came to a few months ago, my alter Teen Girl was distraught to discover the extent of her lost time: 30 years! Now that she and I are integrated I feel the grief of that loss, and a corresponding remorse. I feel remorse because 30 years ago, briefly, I experienced Alter 1 and Alter 2. I had a chance then to face my DID and free my alters, but I didn't; I stuffed them away. I caused her to lose those 30 years. She couldn't help losing time any more than I can help it when I lose time. Neither of us was aware this was happening until after it was over. I am so very, very sorry.

Una - now its focus is in my chest, but I feel it also throughout my body.

That could be dangerous!

Una - And now a rant. The emphasis in DSM-V on lost time experienced by the host alter is misguided. To the extent that a host alter does not lose time, other alters may lose time.

I am confused. Are you saying that it says..
The host will not loose time.
The emotional parts will loose time? Do you mean just went they have executive control?

This makes no sense to me. Please explain further.


Una - While "I" live, parts of me do not and collectively we are missing most of our life. When she came to a few months ago, my alter Teen Girl was distraught to discover the extent of her lost time: 30 years!

Of course. They relive the trauma over and over again and often stay the same age they were when formed.

For diagnosis of DID both DSM-III and DSM-IV both require lost time. Here is what DSM-IV says:

Diagnostic criteria for 300.14 Dissociative Identity Disorder

A. The presence of two or more distinct identities or personality states (each with its own relatively enduring pattern of perceiving, relating to, and thinking about the environment and self).

B. At least two of these identities or personality states recurrently take control of the person's behavior.

C. Inability to recall important personal information that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.

It is criterion C that requires lost time. In practice, therapists making this diagnosis require lost time experienced by the host personality, meaning by the alter who initiates therapy. Many of us who are diagnosed DDNOS because we do not experience much lost time, in fact have other alters who experience massive lost time.

I maintain that I have DID, not DDNOS, because when my Teen Girl awoke in my mind she had no recall of 30 years of my life. She is not a normal ego state; she was fully dissociated, she lost time, for 30 years. If she had taken executive control and walked into my therapist's office in my place, it would be DID without question.

Diagnosis of DID should not be contingent on chance events, nor require that one alter both takes executive control and loses time. In practice, DSM-IV is causing therapists to diagnose as DID only a special case of DID.

Criterion C could be usefully reworded as:

C. At least one of these identities or personality states is unable to recall important personal information that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.

Una+ wrote:
Criterion C could be usefully reworded as:

C. At least one of these identities or personality states is unable to recall important personal information that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.

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Tylas says:

Hold on~ Take a deep breath. Think about this when you are not so emotional. You are getting carried away!

Maybe this is will make more sense:

C. The ANP, Host or that personality most in executive control is unable to recall important personal information that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.

Make more sense?

This does not mean you do not have DID. Besides everyone.... There is little different between DID-like DDNOS and DID, but I agree.... I like to know what category I am in. This is taking this thread in the wrong direction. I will start a new one with a letter I sent to my T this morning.