Alter in love was a mystery to me

Recent discussion in another thread[1] has me thinking about what happens to alters after they split.

My Teen Girl apparently was "asleep" in stasis for 30 years but my Alter 1 seems to have been awake a lot. Now that I am aware of Alter 1's presence and function, I would say that in those 30 years Alter 1 has been awake and many, many times I have experienced passive influence from Alter 1 in my mind, via 'made' emotions and images. I experience this mostly when I am online, especially when I participate in online discussion groups. Alter 1 is highly empathic and transmits to me thoughts and feelings perceived in other participants' writing. People often tell me that my perceptiveness shocks them, that I "read minds", etc. This is Alter 1's gift, not mine; when Alter 1 is not with me I feel somehow mind blind.

For decades Alter 1 has helped me live my life; now it is my turn, and my desire, to help Alter 1.

[1] DID Forum: I feel like I am drowning - now panic attacks

What an incredible gift to you, to feed you advice when she thinks you need it or just because she knows something you aren't necessarily picking up on. This is an example of how alters can be tremendous assets and better than our best friends in the world.

I had a somewhat similar relationship with Jonathan except that he would help me in functional areas and tough decision-making. When he went inside years ago, it was without doubt one of the most devastating events of my life and only barely recall it. Even though he has a strong personality and his own ambitions and desires, he has always sacrified his dreams to mine. In the end I always let you win he has told me. Well, I really want him to start living again and getting what he wants out of life instead of sublimating everything. I've thought of handing over hostship to him but I think the gatekeeper is against that.

It's nice to hear that Alter 1 is getting the credit and attention she has earned. Did you always think this was your gift or did you somehow feel it was a separate something?

Johnny-Jack wrote:What an incredible gift to you

Well, yes, except look at it from the other side: this gift is my own but I have limited access to it, because it is dissociated. When Alter 1 is not aware I am effectively disabled, and I have no control over when Alter 1 is aware. Also, Alter 1 does not talk, so getting information from Alter 1 is like playing charades.

Johnny-Jack wrote:Did you always think this was your gift or did you somehow feel it was a separate something?

I have always experienced these inexplicable intuitions as somehow not my own, and I was suspicious about them. They have a flavor of fantasy or even delusion. It took me years to catch on that they deserved close attention, and even now when one seems too improbable I tend to dismiss it, to my detriment. Only in the months since discovering my DID have I understood where the intuitions come from.

I found the abstract of a PhD thesis on Spiritist mediums in Brazil[1] that describes exactly what I experience:

A full mediumistic trance process begins with: sensing another presence, experiencing a variety of physical symptoms and feelings, and experiencing vibratory frequencies which subjects attributed to an external source, or spiritual entity. Subsequently, subjects begin to feel pressure in the area of the throat and an unplanned speech is mechanically voiced. Intuition is characterized by the emergence of thoughts and/or images not recognized by the subjects as their own. Hearing and seeing are characterized as the awareness of images and voices within the internal psychic space or as an external object.

Strangely, despite all of these phenomena being consistent with DID, the author concludes that:

Mediumistic trance is very possibly an experience other than a Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Postscript: The thesis is in Portuguese, a language I can read with help from a dictionary. The basis for the author's conclusion is absurd: all persons with DID, strictly defined, are psychiatric clients who have received a formal diagnosis of DID, and most Spiritist mediums are not psychiatric clients.

[1] Almeida AM. Phenomenology of Mediumistic Experiences, Profile and Psychopathology of Spiritist Mediums. [thesis]. São Paulo: Faculdade de Medicina, Universidade de São Paulo; 2004. 205p.

Una wrote:suddenly "I" threw the transmission into reverse

Needless to say, for my next few therapy sessions someone else (meaning some other outside person) will be driving.

In recent weeks much new information has come to light. It is now apparent that what activated my system on first meeting the man my Alter 1 is in love with was the unusual garment he wore that day. Visualizing someone wearing a similar garment and touching me is sufficient to trigger a massive trauma flashback in Alter 1. This man had nothing to do with that trauma.

My symptoms of DID are mostly passive influences. DID authority Paul F. Dell characterizes passive influence as intrusion and states

Dell [1 p. 227, italics in the original] wrote:highly frequent intrusions into executive functioning and sense of self are the experiential core of DID.

Dell also explains

Dell [1 p. 227] wrote:DID patients undergo recurrent experiences that are distinctly involuntary and ego-alien (i.e., nonautobiographical)---but which they believe to be their own (i.e., indexical)! This, then, is the unresolvable tension at the heart of their daily experience: "This doesn't feel like me, but it must be. Is this how I really feel? I don't know. I guess I do. Am I losing my mind?"

and

Dell [1 p. 227] wrote:[P]ersons with DID are not confused because they switch from one personality to another; they often are unaware of switching. Rather they are confused by what they are experiencing when they do not switch. Namely, about 40% or 50% of the time, they are undergoing (1) pathological dissociative, nonautobiographical invasions of their executive functioning and (2) pathological dissociative, nonautobiographical intrusions into their sense of self. These constant intrusions leave them with two unappetizing alternatives: (1) "I must not be who I think I am," or (2) "I do not make any sense (to me); I must be going crazy."

Exactly. Prior to becoming fully aware of my DID I do not know what percent of the time I was experiencing intrusions. However, since the first encounter with this man the invasions have increased from a fairly small percent of my time to over 90%. Only rarely do I get a few hours or even a day without intrusions.

Dell [1 p. 227] wrote:I do not know the ratio of intrusions to switches, but I have estimated that it is probably on the order of 100:1.

For me, the ratio now is on the order of 1:1000 or 1:10,000.

[1] Dissociation and the dissociative disorders: DSM-V and beyond edited by Paul F. Dell and John A. O'Neil. Link to Google Books preview.

Kluft 1985, p. 222 wrote:Well-disguised adult patients often present with nothing more to suggest multiple personality disorder than affirmative answers to inquiry about passive influence or special hallucination experiences, the Schneiderian first rank symptoms.

The 11 Schneiderian first rank symptoms:

Kluft 1985, p. 209 wrote:1. Audible thoughts
2. Voices arguing
3. Voices commenting on one's actions
4. Influences playing on the body
5. Thought withdrawal
6. Thoughts ascribed to others
7. Diffusion or broadcasting of thoughts
8. Made feelings
9. Made impulses
10. Made volitional acts
11. Delusional perception

Kluft reports, and other psychotherapists confirm, that of these 11 symptoms 8 are acknowledged by many of their clients with DID and 3 are not.

Kluft, Richard P. (1985) The natural history of multiple personality disorder. Pages 197-238 in Richard P. Kluft (Ed.), Childhood antecedents of multiple personality. Link to Google Books preview

I spent most of my life keeping to myself what was going on inside my head. Paul Dell describes the subjective experience of "high functioning" DID as living under constant internal "bombardment", and that is a good description of it. As far back as I can remember I have experienced passive influences by my insiders. I had no idea this is not normal; I thought everyone was this way, and I wondered how other people were able to cope so much better than I did, to maintain their poise and emotional equilibrium. Eventually I learned to cope well, by tightly controlling and resolving the conflicting and frequently "ego-alien" impulses I felt in response to any stress. Now I am struggling to give up some of that control. Initially it was painful to open up, but I am glad I did it, although sometimes I go too far the other way and perhaps reveal more than I should to people I don't know all that well. Having not practiced selective disclosure, I lack filters.

For almost 1.5 years my Alter 1 has been flooding me with the experience of an unprocessed trauma, in ever greater detail. Finally last week it came to a head and for the first time Alter 1 was able to experience the trauma with a new detachment and awareness of self, rather that remain trapped in a re-experiencing. For me this was a phenomenal experience and I feel that Alter 1 has made big steps toward healing.

Alter 1 now experiences memories of the other man, Alter 1's limerence object, very differently. For my part, I am feeling a confusing, painful mixture of relief and sorrow.

Una, thank you for this thread. I have no doubt it will bring some clarity to those now and in the future with similar issues who can refer to it. So much of the info is universal, such as the following --

Dell [1 p. 227] wrote:
DID patients undergo recurrent experiences that are distinctly involuntary and ego-alien (i.e., nonautobiographical)---but which they believe to be their own (i.e., indexical)! This, then, is the unresolvable tension at the heart of their daily experience: "This doesn't feel like me, but it must be. Is this how I really feel? I don't know. I guess I do. Am I losing my mind?"

I have no doubt Jonathan's internal influence from age 10 to 33 was strong at times. The difference eventually for me was that I came to believe his opinions were me and I relied on them. A stronger version of me that was more no-nonsense and unsentimental. I think I learned from him. I did wonder why I had an endless drive to move to NYC. I was kind of scared and couldn't understand why "I" felt it so necessary to go but I followed "my" need anyway. When he went into self-chosen hibernation and ceased being an internal helper at age 33, it was devastating. I knew he had gone but then quickly forgot. I was left feeling broken, weak, and without direction. So I actually preferred his intrusions because they shored me up. And I felt I was losing my mind or my soul or my guardian angel after he was gone.

Prior to becoming fully aware of my DID I do not know what percent of the time I was experiencing intrusions. However, since the first encounter with this man the invasions have increased from a fairly small percent of my time to over 90%. Only rarely do I get a few hours or even a day without intrusions.

I don't know how you dealt with this, it sounds absolutely maddening and not something you could just write off. Emotions can only be ignored so long until they begin eating you alive, or so it's felt to me.

I've had these floods of disturbing feelings or a sense of dread or other inexplicable emotions throughout life. Because in hindsight most of my alters all seemed to be asleep or in hibernation, I didn't think that emotion was coming from them. Now I see there has probably never been a time when all of them have been asleep. I believe Quato has been passively affecting my libido and my fantasies for many years and I didn't have any idea until he revealed himself recently. Now I realize that that is based on a particularly manipulative and vile abuse and it truly sickens me. I wonder if I can process that out of him and heal his trauma, which he being a trickster throws off as no trauma at all. He laughs everything away and clouds the reality even to himself, though he's not unaware. I need many more discussions with him.

John wrote:

Una wrote:Prior to becoming fully aware of my DID I do not know what percent of the time I was experiencing intrusions. However, since the first encounter with this man the [intrusions] have increased from a fairly small percent of my time to over 90%. Only rarely do I get a few hours or even a day without intrusions.

I don't know how you dealt with this, it sounds absolutely maddening and not something you could just write off.

It was literally maddening. My therapist said I have tremendous executive control. I found out what drives compulsive masturbation among so many victims of abuse, and now I have traced the initial somatic and emotional intrusions to a traumatic memory from infancy. (The man had nothing to do with that.) No wonder Alter 1 does not speak. Too young. Around the time I began therapy I took some other steps to climb out of the rabbit hole, that helped to uncover my DID. When I started to work with my Alter 1, almost at once the somatic intrusions ended. Emotional intrusions have continued but gradually their content shifted, consistent with a lot of "dialog" with Alter 1.