Alter in love was a mystery to me

Fusion experienced as a loss. This subjective experience of loss is inevitable, because fusion is a radical change. But at the same time observers see it as a gain and and ultimately so too do the parties to the fusion. The loss is palpable immediately; the gain emerges over time and for us it far exceeds the loss. To those alters reading this who are afraid of fusion: We want you to know that none of us who have fused with Una are gone. We are all still here, only we are largely one. In the language of archaic Christian (ie Catholic) mysticism we are a union, not a unity.

Love vs feeling in love. This love is a verb. Alter 1 loved the other man. Alter 5 longed for him. These feelings were worlds apart. And I did not share these feelings until after I fused with the respective alters. Part of me desperately wanted to tell the other man about Alter 5 but Alter 1 was opposed. At times the internal conflict concerning what to tell or not tell him was intense. Post-fusion, I still love the other man but I no longer feel much longing for him. There remains a lot of conflict; I will say more about that in another post. Objectively he is a lot like many men I know, who do not interest me in the least.

Alter 5, the one longing for the other man, was created 5 years ago in the moment when the man and I first met. She had no history, no memory of existence, before that moment. Psychologically she was a young child. She knew only that for a moment he touched her, was there with her, then left her alone. Utterly alone. Cue attachment cry. She wanted him to return and take her away with him. For a long time I wanted that too; I thought He did this to me and he should be the one doing all this painful hard work to fix this mess he made. I wish.

Intimacy with Another. Although she had no cognitive understanding of what she wanted, basically Alter 5 wanted the man to rescue her and she wanted to merge with him. Well, although merging with another person is a common wish (and generally an unhealthy one), as far as I know it isn't actually possible. And this man clearly isn't qualified to do the kind of psychotherapy work that was required to rescue her. But it was possible for me to rescue her and for her to merge with me, and I have done all that! It was not all my own doing, though. I had the help of a lot of published literature by other multiples and their therapists, several therapists of my own, and Alter 5 herself. She had quite a lot to do with her own rescue.

Alter 5's experience of the man revealed to her the existence of another world beyond the veil of her awareness. Gradually she began to break through the veil and access that world. As she did so I began to "hallucinate", sharing her experience of being in the void and her mind movies, actual memories and fantasies, of the man. In effect, she had a kind of "near death" experience and by intense contemplation of that experience she pushed through into a whole new life. There she found me waiting and eager to embrace her. Among all the many sources I have read, the closest to this experience are the memoirs by mystics who describe their pursuit of intimacy with God.

I wanted to speak a deep felt thank you to you, Una, for so openly sharing your journey. I have read through the whole thread and your story touched me deeply, I am so happy 5 has been rescued and that your system has managed to resolve some of the issues it was facing.

There were a thing you spoke about which after a lifetime of trying to explain to people, trying to find others who'd say 'yes yes, I know that too!' I suddenly read about in this thread - 'the void'. As a child I 'travelled' before going to sleep, to a place that sort of emotionally seems to match what you mentioned. I would like in a mantra tell myself 'you are alive, you are in this world, in this body, feel how it breathes, you are here and now', until the wallpaper would begin to 'vibrate' and then.. this reality would suddenly be gone and it was like 'swimming' through something I only am able to describe as 'liquid darkness', and then I would 'surface' (while not having a body anymore) at some 'place' that knew no matter nor time, just a state of feeling 'myself' in an infinite nothingness. I always felt so comforted and at peace there, and my memories of doing this reach back into very early years and lasted to early teens. I grew less and less able to 'journey there', and eventually was not able at all anymore. It hurt badly to have lost that ability, but I battled on without it.

When you mentioned 'void' in your posts, it seemed to sort of match 'my place', although maybe just by words, still it was like a 'yes!' moment. Thank you for this too, whatever it may means for my own self.

All the best for your continuing journey and warmest wishes for your remaining alters as well as those who have meantime fused with you. Hope you all will come to find peace - as you so lovely put it - not as a union, but in unity...

A

I heard it quoted one time Love is not a feeling, you'll feel it sometime. I'm a church girl since a toddler the house meetings my mama and the neighborhood. My first counselor mentioned my mom might have been born with a veil over her face. A frequent dreamer. Im going through this same thing with my inner world. The dreams sometimes weird rather than scary. Identities formed after a relative is what is a little annoying and its like enough already. I try to analyze and ask God why, it almost obsessive. The God void I'm not on speaking terms as my journey has further I gotten angry with the creator.

Love conversation concerning Alters is unusual and puzzling to admit. It's like well I don't want a particular Alter signed. A younger Alter asks about him is attracted to him, I very much have to talk to her like a mom talks to her preteen-teenager. Baby he ain't for you stop aggravating the host. Host dig and knows she took his politeness, kindness, hospitality, conversation, his touch the wrong way. I had no idea if I had I would have avoided him as much as possible. It caused a lot of confusion to wonder, how we get here. I learned a lot from that but at the same time praying that I stop being vulnerable and at risk for identity biting ......This is wear my ignorance and lack of therapy help is the reason for this in my opinion.

At work recently I had a strange DID experience. Someone said to me something very inappropriate, in front of others, loudly. I was momentarily angered and embarrassed, but I recognized it was the other person's problem not mine. I was feeling pleased, even elated, that I took the incident in stride and stayed cool, when suddenly I heard in my head loud and clear a female voice---it sounded like my voice---talking, saying things like "I am finished with these people, I won't tolerate such disrespect, I quit!" Who was talking!?

The strange thing was that these are the kind of thoughts I, Una, recognize as my own not very healthy typical first (and sometimes final) reaction to interpersonal problems. (Believe it or not, I am not always cool; what I post and you read on the DID Forum is the product of some reflection.) So my usual thoughts were there but this time I wasn't thinking them. I also wasn't feeling the usual emotions that go with those thoughts.

Was I in that moment not Una? Had my consciousness somehow shifted so that I was Alter 2, hearing Una? I thought I (“I”?) was always Una, but is that true? I begin to think not, and wow that is a weird thought.

I have a long history of career switching between two very different kinds of work. Decades before I had any idea it was DID, I recognized that this history reflected a weird internal conflict inside me. The switching would go like this: Una takes a new position where she can do the kind of independent, solitary work she enjoys. But soon Alter 2 begins to contribute, others immediately recognize his leadership skills, and the position rapidly grows into leading and directing others. Then Una re-asserts herself and leaves the position. My current work is Alter 2's thing, not Una’s. Will I suddenly up and leave? Or stick with it? Or find a stable intermediate?

What do I want? I don't know.

Love this post Una, so much! Can relate in so many ways.

Una+ wrote:Was I in that moment not Una? Had my consciousness somehow shifted so that I was Alter 2, hearing Una? I thought I (“I”?) was always Una, but is that true? I begin to think not, and wow that is a weird thought.

Wanted to ask if this person who heard the one inside, could've been you watching your thoughts and knowing "I'm not them".

Love this final part Una.

Una+ wrote:What do I want? I don't know.

Sea

Seangel wrote:Wanted to ask if this person who heard the one inside, could've been you watching your thoughts and knowing "I'm not them".

No, it wasn't like that. Inherent in this question I recognize the Buddhist mindfulness concept of the observing self. These days I generally do a good job of remaining in my observing self, not identifying "willy nilly" with my thoughts, recognizing that they are just thoughts and "not me".

This was not that. In this instance, before hearing the voice, I was very aware of observing the thoughts and thought-congruent feelings that I was having about the situation. I was observing how calm and clear-headed I was; I was not depersonalized at all. The voice was if an other person were somehow suddenly speaking in my head, even as I carried on thinking my own thoughts and feeling my own feelings.

In recent years, in a situation like this I (Una) would briefly be very depersonalized: numb and/or burning sensations in my limbs, tunnel vision, loud roaring in my ears and/or temporary loss of hearing. Perhaps the voice I heard was Una and she was depersonalized to such an extent that she switched inside.

Thanks for sharing.

I have realized something important about my system, and it both hurts and explains a lot that has been hurting for years now.

For years I have been deeply conflicted about wanting to tell Other Man about the alter who was in love with him, Alter 5. I say was because she has fused with me and the integrated me is not in love with him. The integrated me loves him, which is related but different. He knows I love him; I have said so more than once. But that isn't what I need to tell him. I need to tell him about Alter 5, to reveal her to him.

Other Man has rejected me, once even called me names, but I did not feel hurt by his rejection. Some parts of me sense that despite his rejecting words he loves me. And Alter 5 was not hurt; she protected herself, saying "He doesn't know I exist." But what if he did know she exists?

What if I told him the story of her life, now mine? Would he reject me then? That is what I fear. That fear is what hurts. It is so painful that now I see I must tell him. For years I have resisted the urge to tell him because I had no good reason to do so, no valid purpose. Now, however, I see I do have a reason. If I do not tell him the emotional pain will continue. if I tell him and he rejects me the pain will continue, status quo, but there is a chance he will not reject me. I think that would end the pain. By disclosing, by being vulnerable, I stand a chance of turning pain into joy. And at the very least I will have honored myself. I will have acted to satisfy a very deep emotional need.

Hi Una+,

Una+ wrote:What if I told him the story of her life, now mine? Would he reject me then? That is what I fear. That fear is what hurts. It is so painful that now I see I must tell him.
...
If I do not tell him the emotional pain will continue. if I tell him and he rejects me the pain will continue, status quo, but there is a chance he will not reject me. I think that would end the pain.

I'm very happy you realization.

Una+ wrote:By disclosing, by being vulnerable, I stand a chance of turning pain into joy. And at the very least I will have honored myself. I will have acted to satisfy a very deep emotional need.

Yes Una. Honor yourself. I feel happy for you.

Sea

In another thread ShawTrav posted a quote and a question about the quote:

"I am happily married with children and my DID only recently became apparent when one of my alters was activated by another man and fell in love with him."

I read this from a 4 yr old post. The other person I doubt even uses this forum anymore so I am asking you. If you don't mind.

[...] I am wondering about whatever happened to you, and if you stayed with your husband then did your alter ever get over their new love?

I don't find that exact quote in this thread but this thread does begin with a conversation between me and another poster who later went back and blanked her comments. As I recall she is much younger, not married, and has no kids. So I think you are asking me about my marriage.

For your information we still are married. The-collective-I (I+) have changed a lot, however, and I+ am now very conflicted about whether I+ want to stay married. I+ certainly don't want to marry the other man; no conflict there! At first The-separate-I did not love him but now after fusions with the relevant parts I do love him. Even so, I do not think I would want to marry him. I+ hardly know him, so that's all guessing anyway. I love my husband too but it does not follow that I must want to be married to him either.

ShawTrav, I think that the key take-home message for you is this: loving someone in a "soul mate" manner does not mean the best course of action is to desert someone else. Nor is it necessary to stop loving someone when you choose not to be with them. My advice to you would be to work on your conflict with a polyamory-savvy couples therapist. There are some good books about ethical non-monogamy too, that may help you.

When there is internal conflict the best course of action is to not make radical changes for a time, while doing a lot of self work. When conflicted, when faced with a choice between two partners, making either choice (wife or new lover) is not a solution. A solution must end the conflict, end the dilemma. This is the main theme of all David Schnarch's books; you might read one or try working with a therapist trained in his methods. Schnarch deals primarily with couples who want to be monogamous, but perhaps not with each other.

I speak openly with my husband about my thoughts and feelings, and about planning for a possible divorce. Although sometimes this is painful for him it also is very important. Pain is information, and in itself it is not harmful.