Alter in love was a mystery to me

In a nutshell, Hedges is saying he perceives 4 classes of defect of personality structure, due to not-good-enough parenting at different stages of child development:

Neurotic
Narcissistic
Borderline
Multiple or (not and!) psychotic

The neurotic class originates in children of about age 5. The multiple and psychotic class originates in infants. Multiple and psychotic are largely mutually exclusive.

Hedges is saying also that to repair the defect the therapist had best relate to the client using the corresponding intact aspect of his own personality structure. So for the multiple, the therapist should allow herself to shift from one self state to another in response to shifts (switching) in the client. Although the vocabulary is different, this echoes what Philip Bromberg describes doing in his books.

Thanks Una. That's an incredibly helpful synopsis. I like what Hedges says about the therapist. For sure my T mirrors my switching with his own self states. Not oppressively but they are there. I don't think this is a perfect example but yesterday in therapy I got stuck between a switch so my therapist mirrored my actions - when I picked the carpet so did he. To 'join me' in where I was.

Amazon.com is useful for discovering related books. Just look at "Customers who bought this book also bought..."

Sex in Psychotherapy: Sexuality, Passion, Love, and Desire in the Therapeutic Encounter by Lawrence E Hedges

Deepening Intimacy in Psychotherapy : Using the Erotic Transference and Countertransference by Florence Rosiello

Psychotherapy: An Erotic Relationship by David Mann

The Intimate Hour: Love and Sex in Psychotherapy by Susan Baur

The Shadow of the Tsunami: and the Growth of the Relational Mind by Philip M. Bromberg

Change in Psychotherapy: A Unifying Paradigm by Boston Process Change Study Group

My alter who fell in love with the man did not know him, so her feelings can only be a case of transference. Her feelings are real, not fantasy, but they are not based in the here-and-now real relationship with this man, such as it is.

Wonderful information Una! Thank you!

Una wrote:My alter who fell in love with the man did not know him, so her feelings can only be a case of transference. Her feelings are real, not fantasy, but they are not based in the here-and-now real relationship with this man, such as it is.

It seems I flip-flop on this issue almost daily. After all, the consensus of my system is that Alter 5 is an accidental introject from the man himself. Is it even possible? If it is possible, and happened here, does the concept of erotic transference even apply?

To explore this question I have been reading some technical papers and book chapters on erotic transference and infatuation more generally. And among them I found some work on transference involving introjects. The article Response to Ted Schwartz’s Article “The Land Mines of Marriage: Intergenerational Causes of Marital Conflict” by psychotherapist Anne Teachworth describes how she begins her work with unhappy couples by first clearing "landmines". These landmines are dysfunctional introjects put into the minds of the couple by their respective parents.

Over the years of my marriage I have found a few such landmines in my own mind. An example is flying into an insane rage over the other person missing an exit on the highway. My parents did this regularly on trips when I was a child, and a long ago boyfriend did it too. Only once have I done this to my husband, and I did it just minutes after thinking out loud about how my parents used to behave during long trips.

A month has passed since my last post in this thread.

My system continues to agree that Alter 5, the girl in the void who fell in love with the man, is an introject from the man himself. That means she is an accidental result of unconscious projective identification in which he and I both participated in the brief moment we met back in 2010 but her existence is my problem to deal with, not his. He did not lose any part of himself when she was created. She is a reflection of what my system perceived to be his longing to be longed for, his wanting to be wanted. Consciously, he wants and has told me he wants nothing to do with me.

I saw the man again last month. Before seeing him, but after his friend talked with him about me, I sent him and some other people an e-mail disclosing that I have DID and explaining what DID is and that it is treatable and I am getting treatment. In the e-mail I revealed nothing about my system. I said that I was sharing this information with them because recently my symptoms have been noticeable. I don't know if the man read the e-mail but at least some of the other people did. Reactions expressed to me were neutral to positive, along the lines of "you explained it well." When I saw him he seemed calmer and more neutral (vs friendly or hostile) than during any previous contact. On the whole my system is very satisfied with this result.

From Alter 5 there have been no verbal communications in the entire past month. I even looked for her inside, trying to bring her forward and hear whatever she may have to say, but there was nothing. There have been no cries of "I love him" issuing from my mouth while I am talking with my husband, nor any communications internally. The last time my husband and I heard from her was about 2 months ago, when she cried "I am not acceptable to anyone!" Since then there have been only some emotions. There was a period of grief from her, and compassion from the rest of us for her. What I felt was that she wished she could "go home" to him, to be embraced and accepted by him. I also felt some "referred" anger at being rejected by him. To me personally his rejection felt very much like a case of mistaken identity: "Excuse me, but I think you have mistaken me for someone else." I know many readers here can relate to the feeling!

I don't know what to make of Alter 5's absence, but I do recognize that it is a familiar story here on the DID forum: an alter seems to be gone. Is she gone forever? Dead? Integrated? I think not. I know how other versions of this story usually turn out: the alter goes into hiding inside for days, weeks, months, years, until one day all of a sudden the alter returns.

I have other news to report, but will save it it for a later post.

Here is the later post I promised.

The big news is that I met Johnny-Jack in person! What a wonderful experience that was. We talked for hours. I am the first other person he has met face to face who he knows has been diagnosed with a major dissociative disorder (DID or DID-like DDNOS). DID is not rare, so in all likelihood we have all met others like us but not known it. That man is a catch. He does not feel like one, of course, but of course he is. Hugs, you!

Wow, that's great that you got to meet up, how did that come about? I'm so jealous! It would be great to meet some of the people I've 'spoken' to here in person.

Owleyes wrote:Wow, that's great that you got to meet up, how did that come about?

The usual way. Last year we got to talking now and then by phone, and exchanged contact info. We almost met up once last year but our schedules conflicted. Finally we met for coffee when I was passing through his part of the world.

Una wrote:The last time my husband and I heard from [my Alter 5] was about 2 months ago, when she cried "I am not acceptable to anyone!"

The day before yesterday while reading a novel and after lights out I was startled repeatedly to hear in my head "We love him". We? The words were more thought than audible voice and I didn't recognize their source, but as usual I think "him" referred to the man who is the object of Alter 5's attachment. The source definitely was not Alter 5; when I checked inside the body sensations and emotions were different: more widespread, diffuse, complex; less longing. Has there been some kind of behind-the-scenes integration? Time will tell.