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Alter in love was a mystery to me

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Re: Alter in love was a mystery to me

Postby carpediem46 » Fri May 27, 2011 12:14 am

Sorry, my mistake, I think I got the wrong impression from other posts and maybe sidetracked putting something in this post I was thinking about from another, sorry! :oops:
What did you put it down to before?
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Re: Alter in love was a mystery to me

Postby Una+ » Fri May 27, 2011 1:36 am

carpediem46 wrote:Sorry, my mistake


That's okay. I just needed to say for the record my alter is not deviant.


carpediem46 wrote:What did you put it down to before?


If by "it" you mean the DID symptoms, frankly I assumed in a totally ignorant and naive way that I was insane, but I found I could keep that part of myself locked up tight in a box and pass for normal, so then for years at a time I would forget all about it. I disclosed the most prominent symptoms to my husband before we married.

If by "it" you mean the infatuation: I was bewildered and had no idea what to make of the sensations and emotions, so I mostly ignored them. I had only infrequent, brief contacts with the man in question, so it took about 9 months for me to reach the point of thinking I was in love with him. I tolerated that for only a few weeks before disclosing to him (and to my husband) that I was in love with him and that I knew being in love with someone I hardly know can only mean there was something seriously wrong with me. We then went no contact.

In addition to infatuation, contact with this man also triggered lost time, co-presence, panic attacks, and other phenomena consistent with DID and/or PTSD. I want to stress that his behavior was within normal limits for an acquaintance; he did nothing overt to provoke my alters.
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.
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Re: Alter in love was a mystery to me

Postby Una+ » Sun May 29, 2011 2:53 pm

Intrusions from this alter are seriously disrupting my functioning. For example today I was thinking about a home construction project when abruptly I was interrupted by a memory of the man and intense longing for him.

I am trying to communicate with this alter but I don't know how, and it seems my therapist doesn't know how either. Help? Also, lately I am having episodes of severe dissociation; am I at risk of losing time? I am very afraid. Because my alters have spent so little time outside, whoever comes out may be very disoriented and not a competent adult. Am I right to worry about this? What can I do to reduce the risk of losing time, and the fear?
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.
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Re: Alter in love was a mystery to me

Postby carpediem46 » Sun May 29, 2011 3:27 pm

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Re: Alter in love was a mystery to me

Postby Una+ » Sun May 29, 2011 5:03 pm

I think there is a second alter, a protector, who often blocks this alter's attempts to communicate or come out. The protector alter is very afraid. Call them Alter 1 and Alter 2. Alter 2 came out and spoke to my therapist, and told him Alter 1 is a killer. Alter 2 has reason to say this, because there have been times when my life was at risk and Alter 1 was about to kill to protect me. Hearing Alter 2 say that, I realized it is not true. What is true is that Alter 1 has never harmed anyone, exists to protect me, and in fact has protected me and other people too by giving early warning of interpersonal threats. Alter 1 has saved lives. Alter 2 also said how nice it was to talk at long last to someone, meaning my therapist, who works with people who have killed and who want to do it again. My therapist agreed with that but unfortunately he seemed frightened, which scared both alters, who disappeared for weeks. They still have not regained trust in him and I am beginning to despair that they ever will.

Alter 1 is the one who has spoken most often in my mind, but only rarely. Until recently Alter 2 never spoke but now Alter 2 has begun saying the name of the man, and one time asked me to visualize the man. That is the full extent of my verbal communication with these two alters. From Alter 2 I am getting intrusive somatic memories and emotions, most but not all concerning the man, that currently preoccupy me for hours every day.
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.
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Re: Alter in love was a mystery to me

Postby carpediem46 » Sun May 29, 2011 9:40 pm

Mm, that’s interesting. Do you know why she feels the need to protect you from communication with this alter? Sounds like for some reason, they want to sabotage eachother..
What does alter 1 say when he/she speaks to you? I imagine alter 2 is the one in love with the man? Sorry if I’ve got confused along the way. Does alter 2 seem to take over your mind but not control your actions, almost co-consciousness?
Would you ever have a time where you could spend along trying to communicate?
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Re: Alter in love was a mystery to me

Postby Una+ » Sun May 29, 2011 10:53 pm

Alter 1 is in love with the man. Alter 2 was afraid of the man at first, but then warmed up to him. At first there was far more fear than attraction. And wow, was I ever confused! About 10 months passed before I knew these alters were involved, and a couple more months passed before I understood the alters were DID. The first I was aware of these two alters, 30 years ago at age 16, they argued about killing someone I had reason to think intended to kill me. Alter 2 has only ever talked to or about Alter 1, and it seems that Alter 2's job is to keep a lid on Alter 1.

Alter 1 floods me with intrusive sensations, emotions, and now sometimes thoughts, but is nonverbal (?) and has never managed to take executive control. Alter 2 sometimes takes control while I remain co-present. At those times I feel like a puppet being animated by a puppeteer. In life and death situations, like the one mentioned above, Alter 1 has come out together with Alter 2. They make contingency plans and take action, and they are amazing.

Actually, now that I think about it I am not sure whose voice I am hearing lately. The infatuation comes from Alter 1 but perhaps it is Alter 2 who is talking, talking for Alter 1. Yes, I "get the feeling" this is correct.


carpediem46 wrote:Would you ever have a time where you could spend along trying to communicate?


Yes, on weekends or after kids go to sleep. I do try then, but I just don't seem to be making any progress. Thank you for your feedback! This has given me the idea to try asking Alter 2 to speak for Alter 1.
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.
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Re: Alter in love was a mystery to me

Postby carpediem46 » Mon May 30, 2011 9:45 pm

Does alter 2 have feelings for this man too then? I'm glad you're going to try to get alter 2 to speak for alter 1, I hope you find out more that can help you!
Do they have a close relationship with eachother, and either or both with you?
Sounds like a lot of the time, 2 is speaking for 1?
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Re: Alter in love was a mystery to me

Postby Una+ » Mon May 30, 2011 10:12 pm

carpediem46 wrote:Does alter 2 have feelings for this man too then?


I don't know. The inexplicable fear has diminished, and I think it was coming from Alter 2. I am not sure if Alter 2 has any feelings other than fear. I do think Alter 2 is obsessing about this man.

Do they have a close relationship with eachother, and either or both with you?


Close relationship? All I know is that they showed up together when I was 16, and again this year. I know they are two because (a) they are sometimes in conflict with each other, (b) one radiates overwhelming emotions and the other speaks, and (c) they sometimes evidence separately. I hardly know them, yet I sense that they know me far better than I know them and perhaps better than I know myself. (What is a "self" anyway?)

Sounds like a lot of the time, 2 is speaking for 1?


Yes. Alter 2 seems to speak only for Alter 1, about Alter 1, or to Alter 1.
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.
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Re: Alter in love was a mystery to me

Postby carpediem46 » Mon May 30, 2011 10:35 pm

So, do you think Alter 2 is obsessing about this man out of fear, more than lust?
I know, it's all so confusing, especially when one is speaking for another! I think alters are more of observers sometimes, especially when you think the whole time between you being 16 and now, they would have been hidden but prehaps observing what you were doing etc, but not to your knowledge.
Does alter 2 ever speak about themselves, or purely for or about alter 1?
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