Alter in love was a mystery to me

If you absolutely had to take a guess at what this alter was like, why s/he is there, how this alter differs, what would you say? In other words, do you have any inklings now? Are you willing to let information drift up to you? Are you willing for them to let themselves be known? Are you willing for them to be there with you, not comfortable with it, but willing to give them a place, an acknowledged place, in your system? I only offer this line of thought, this exercise, because it seems someone else is there and they may be pondering how to let you know. Your willingness, increased briefly if it doesn't come naturally, may be a key ingredient that would allow you information about them.

It does not seem like this alter is necessarily out to harm you. You might have a sense of that if that were the case. When they took over, they returned library books, for you, I might add. Not so nefarious. Was the command to do something bad, like really bad? I recall how Quato reveled himself to all of us. It was disturbing and is the only example of lost time (albeit while I myself was sleeping) I can point to with certainty. He didn't want his arrival to be smooth and perky, because that's not him at all, and he also didn't want me to underestimate him. Jonathan, Quato, and probably Dan have threatened me at times, but it's more to ensure I don't do something or to make sure I not take them lightly. None have yet anything actively to hurt me but they want me to know they could.

I've had a vaguely similar experiences though not for a while. I've been near a cliff or next to a subway track, I have occasionally gotten the overwhelming feeling or had a thought that I could jump or even heard "I'm going to jump" or "you're going to jump". Also doing things with razor blades. I felt that I wouldn't be able to stop myself and I knew I was unable to leave the spot. I remained frozen and just had to wait and see how it turned out. Nothing ever happened. It was before I knew of the DID, so I'm not sure if this was me, Quato, or what was happening. Quato is not suicidal but it could have been him just playing with me in his own dark way. I just don't know.

John wrote:If you absolutely had to take a guess at what this alter was like, why s/he is there, how this alter differs, what would you say? In other words, do you have any inklings now? Are you willing to let information drift up to you? Are you willing for them to let themselves be known?

Honestly, my intuition is this is someone new, that I know nothing about. Well, I do know this compulsion and the command are a variation on what I have been experiencing since 2010, in connection with Alter 5's other man. I had thought it started the day I lost time with him but today it occurs to me perhaps the compulsion actually started months earlier and I just wasn't as aware. Well, apart from that one intense episode last week I have been fine. There has not been a return of the obsessive thoughts and constant low-grade compulsion. I am glad now that I did all the work months ago to deal with the obsessive compulsive symptoms.

John wrote:Was the command to do something bad, like really bad?

No, not in the least. However, I feel as if acting on it could put me in extreme danger. I don't know what the compulsion is about, and I fear that I am being manipulated.

My therapist is retiring permanently on an emergency basis, due to a health problem. I am a mess.

I am beyond anxious for her welfare. She has not disclosed her problem but has said the temptation to disclose it to me is almost overwhelming, because she knows I could help her identify and access the specialty services she needs. To respect her boundaries I feel I must refrain from offering any form of support.

I am facing the imminent loss of her. We will have one more session, but not likely more than that.

Neither of us knows of any other therapist I could see instead of her. She is not even local to me: with travel time, the session itself, a few minutes of rest, and a meal, each session with her involves about an 8-hour commitment.

Two recent threads started by another poster here were deeply activating for me: Alter wants to sleep with new guy... and Sophie cheated on my BF. Their story in a nutshell: host alter Kaz has a new relationship with a guy but she is not ready to have sex with him and she does not want sexual alter Sophie to have sex with him either. So Sophie hooked up with another guy.

I find myself in much the same position as Kaz, and yet my sympathies are primarily with Sophie. When I married I didn't know about my multiplicity, and then when I began to communicate with my others they were up front about the shocking fact that none of them were a party to my marriage nor felt in the least obligated to be faithful in any way to my husband. I am oppositional-defiant enough that if any alter tried to dictate to me who I may have sex with, I probably would have sex with someone "off limits" just to show my defiance. And so would some of my others who have demonstrated the ability to take full executive control while I lose time. I know not to start a fight I cannot win.

Alter 5 is longing for another man and blends with me now and then so that I share those feelings. I walk a tightrope. Before I knew about DID I thought her feelings were my own feelings and I had a very intense, intimate conversation with the other man during which I told him (a) I was in love with him and (b) it wasn't me. I described precisely what I was experiencing, without in the least understanding it. I was so confused and overwhelmed! Nonetheless I owned that behavior and those feelings, and confessed all of it to my husband. Although I told my husband I was somehow not myself, I did not apologize and I did not make excuses. Now that I understand what I was experiencing then, if anything like it happens again I will still own it. It is what it is. As far as the significant others in my life are concerned, all alters are part of one person. And we intend to achieve full integration: fusion of all alters. So I owned all my behavior before and I will do so in the future and in this interim period I do the same. We are one.

I have several confidantes who are friends of my marriage. Some of them would have me somehow just erase this other man from my heart. Is that anything but denial? In any case these are not my feelings to deny: they are Alter 5's. She loves him and I accept and respect that, and I share her heartache.

For a few weeks now my signature has indicated the possibility of more alters in my system waiting to decloak. Sure enough. Last night while watching TV with my husband I had a strange new experience. A totally unfamiliar physical sensation came over me, and an intense but vague feeling about him, and I looked over at him. And he looked startled and abruptly moved close and pulled me into his arms. I felt moved (compelled) to kiss his neck. Later we talked: his objective experience matched my subjective experience: we both had a body sense of a new presence surfacing in me.

I am scared because there are more alters. And thrilled because my husband is growing so sensitive and aware. Sensitive and aware in the same way that my therapist is.

T's situation is dire. We had our termination session. While crying I suddenly felt Alter 5's presence and so did T. She asked "Who just came?" Alter 5 came to say goodbye but was too upset to speak.

I'm sorry your T is retiring, Una. And it sounds like it happened without much warning too. That's really hard to handle. At least your husband is aware, as you say, and able to support you. Have you had any luck finding another T?

Una+ wrote:I am scared because there are more alters.

What is it about it that scares you?

Owleyes wrote:I'm sorry your T is retiring, Una. And it sounds like it happened without much warning too. That's really hard to handle.

It is very sudden, and that is difficult, but the worst part is that retirement is even necessary.

Owleyes wrote:Have you had any luck finding another T?

Not so far. T is developing some leads for me.

More alters is scary because, well let's see, that's more work to do that wasn't planned for, and possibly more lost time and instability, and unpleasant new information. Oh well.

At work I rarely lose time or find any other evidence of amnesia, but it does happen so I do worry about it. To recover gracefully, I keep a written log of important information, tasks pending, etc. I am not the only one who keeps a log, so no one thinks this is peculiar. My system acts mostly by means of passive influence on me, that I was only partly aware of prior to diagnosis. Lately I am aware of a lot of co-presence and blending, and I am more active in the system too.

Some of the work I do involves long hours, high emotional stress, intense concentration, and interacting with a lot of different people. Most of them don't know me at all. Generally I see no need to disclose my DID to people at work, but I have disclosed to a few people I work with on a regular basis, who seem to be generally more aware. Having disclosed, I then ask them periodically about their subjective experience of me, to see if they notice anything. Usually they are oblivious. Most people, if they notice anything at all, notice only that my apparent emotional state can change suddenly. Very few people recognize this for what it is: identity alteration, the single most characteristic sign of a major dissociative disorder (DID or DID-like DDNOS).

Lately my husband has been almost instantly aware of whenever an insider is blending or co-conscious with me, and my therapist too. Most other people just don't have that ability. Clearly it is an ability that can be learned, but I have no idea yet how to teach it to anyone.

Una+ wrote:More alters is scary because, well let's see, that's more work to do that wasn't planned for, and possibly more lost time and instability, and unpleasant new information. Oh well.

Sorry it's taken me a while to come back to this. Hmm. I can understand all those possibilities being scary. But. These alters have always been there (however many there turn out to be!) and quite possibly are already causing/have caused the lost time and instability you fear. The fact that one has now presented themselves to you is a positive thing, even though it might not feel like that. They can become known to you, instead of being the 'unknown' (and therefore a source of fear). I don't know, this might not be helpful. I just find it easier being able to say 'Oh, that feeling is coming from X, or is because of Y' rather than having these inexplicable and frightening experiences. Knowing who or what they are related to helps, in the long run, even though the information isn't exactly pleasant. How are you doing today?

I haven't updated this marathon thread in a long while, but there have been some other threads here on the DID Forum that have resonated for me with this thread. So I'm going to weave them in here.

Quoted from another thread (Question on love TW for defined roles):

Aemeya wrote:

Una wrote:

Aemeya wrote:Recently I read a thread on here discussing how someone in their system fell in love with a seemingly random man. The emotions of the other person in the system began to overflow and confuse the host.

My question is this; how would your system deal with conflicting love interests?

Would that be my thread? Going on two years now, the situation has changed only in minor detail. Alter 5 still feels in love with this man we hardly know and even now tells people she loves him. However the older, wiser alters among us know (1) we hardly know him and (2) there is a great difference between feeling in love and loving. Some of us (including me) who are not in love with this man nonetheless do feel that we love him. He has said he values his marriage and contacts with me threaten it so, for love, proper behavior would be to back off. The quality of Alter 5's emotions have changed too. I think it is fair to say they are maturing.

The internal conflict at times is very painful, but rather than try to overwhelm or suppress or lock away any one alter, or to engage in any manner of psychological splitting, my goal is contain and moderate the conflict (keep it internal), and in time resolve it in some way. I wait and watch. I gather more data, reflect, and learn: about myself, about this man, and about human behavior in general.

In general, DID systems serve to avoid intrapsychic conflict by compartmentalizing. So the fact that I am experiencing intense conflict, and continuing to function despite it, is a sign of health.

Yes, it was you!
I just wasn't sure if I should write your username or not, what your username was, ect.

I'm super excited you did post, though!
When I read your thread I thought about it for days.
There was just a lot to consider.

I'm glad to hear the other members of your system are maturing!
Sorry to hear #5 is still affecting you.

If #5 had been in a more serious and justifiable love with this man, and he was not married, would you have handled it differently?
Just a question I thought up after reading your thread.

Thanks for asking. I know that I am not alone here so I am happy to share.

When is falling in love ever not serious or justifiable? It is something that happens. In a sense, I have a very ordinary case of "love at first sight", just complicated by the presence of DID. This too is ordinary, though: many people with DID experience alters falling in love with and/or forming attachments to different people. The really unusual part of my story seems to be the abrupt activation of my entire DID system.

Prior to meeting this man, my system had for decades stayed mostly dormant, stable and covert. Meeting him caused the DID system containment to fail and the system became overt and highly unstable. People with DID who are high functioning and diagnosed in midlife often are diagnosed only because they enter a period of crisis and their formerly covert system becomes overt. But usually the crisis is an event or series of events far more significant than just meeting a random person. Perhaps there is something significant about this man that I have yet to find out. At this point I have several alternate hypotheses about this, that I am researching. One hypothesis concerns a strange event in my family history way back in 1965! Could this man, or his family, have had some long forgotten prior contact with my family?

I think that if I did not have DID "I" would not have fallen in love like this with anyone. I am emotionally mature and mentally healthy apart from the identity fragmentation characteristic of DID. I married late in life, after many years of being in a wide variety of relationships that were healthy, stable, and long. I fell in love many times and also fell out of love again without great difficulty, in a very normal sort of way. In therapy I have shown a healthy low level of transference and projection. Although in general I tend to obsess, it is highly functional, not a disorder. I have no history of love obsession or any form of compulsion.

That background explains why, when I suddenly experienced myself as being in love with this man, I knew something was radically different and not healthy. At first I didn't know if the difference was in him or me, but I soon figured out that it was in me: there was something very wrong with me!

Would I have handled falling in love differently if he were not married? Probably not, as far as what I want. I too am married and intend to stay that way. But even if we both were single I think I would have handled it the same way. I knew something out of the ordinary and unhealthy was happening, and I did not like it.

I would have disclosed to him differently. Being in therapy and reading books about relationships and communication has taught me so much. When I disclosed I did what is known as dropping a bomb. I deeply regret that. I would still disclose, but never again will I drop a bomb like I did then.