Questions and New Behaviors

Hey, I know it's been a while since I posted, just been really hectic lately, what with EoC (End of Course) exams coming up soon.
So, I guess Ill start out with my questions first.

-Is being Co-Conscious with an Alter a good way to see how you will be once you've integrated?
-What do you do if you're strongly against Integration, but your friend (who also has DID) is trying to integrate with their Alters and they ask for your support?
-Are Bi-Polar, Depression, being really Distant, having a hard time with emotions etc, things that go with DID?

So, now that my questions are out of the way, I should tell you about these new behaviors Ive been showing lately...

According to my friends, Ive basically slammed my doors shut since what my dad did a little under a month ago. They say it's like going into war when they're trying to get me to say what's on my mind. I don't mean to close out my friends, but I just can't "open up" if that makes since. i want to tell them, but I just can't.
While we're on the note of my friends and emotions. Since Max was created, my friends say whenever I show an emotion it looks "fake and forced..." Im not too sure what that means...

Since about a week or so ago Ive been having... Questionable thoughts. For some reason Ive got this sudden interest in Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union. I look at how easily Hitler got what he wanted in this weak world. He basically said, "I have my beliefs and I'm going to force them on these stupid countries whether they like it or not," and hardly no one did anything to stop him until he tried to take a country that Britain and France actually liked (Poland). Anyways, Hitler once said "Nature is cruel, so we may be cruel too." I don't know why, but that quote just sparks something inside of me. This... Desire to become something similar to Hitler. When I say that, I don't mean I want to rampage throughout the world killing every Jew insight. No... I mean... I want that sort of power he had. Nazi Germany made so many advancements in technology is unbelievable.. They created new medicines... Better machines.. Epic guns.. They nearly conquered Europe... All under Hitler's reign.
Sorry, I'm babbling... Just trying to get the point across i guess.
So, I've been thinking about war so much lately. Thinking about the bloody after effects... I'm not going to babble about my thoughts. So, yeah.. I know that these thoughts Ive been getting cant be good.. But they feel so.. Right to me. They feel like my thoughts, not someone else's.. If that makes sense.

hi Kimberly

yeah, we get those weird random thoughts too sometimes... Like, planning ways to hurt people and wanting to do all these bad things..And yeah, wanting that amount of power... i think it comes from being so powerless for so long... i rekon it's 'normal' what ever that means...

ok as for your questions...

1) i dont know, i guess it could be. I dont know enough about being 'integrated' to know what its like, i spose someone who is integrated would have to answer that one for you... But i do know that being co-con. is a very good step! While u still have no control, it opens up communication with everyone and really helps in the long run. I'm co-con with everyone in my system except the one who is locked away... It's weird, but its good...

2)i guess you can still be supportive for your friend even though u dont want to integrate, it's kinda like religion, you dont have to believe your friends religion to be their friend do you? And integration is just as personal and private as religion is... SO i guess i would tell the friend that you will be there for them and support them but that you don't want to integrate... If they really push the issue, i would lie and say u dont wanna integrate...YET. (If your system is hugely triggered by the mere thought of integration like mine is- i couldnt do any of this because it's such a big trigger for us- i would tell the friend that and tell them that you will try your hardest but that its triggering the system too much...)

3)Yes all that emotions stuff does go hand in hand with DID. Lots of people on this forum and other forums get told by their T's that they appear to have no emotions or that they look 'fake'. I've been told this once and while it wasn't a great thing to be told, i know it was the truth. the simple reason u dont look like you're displaying 'true' emotions is because you're not! hehe your dissociating the feelings away to those inside you and then they (or you) are literally faking it to appear normal! it's all part of DID unfortunately... When you do feel the emotions and they take over you completely, that is classic DID too, its part of trauma processing i think. Same with Depression... My T told me several times that depression is only the by-product of the real issues... its what happens when something is unresolved and is festering behind the dissociative walls.

Hope this helps some... And good luck with your exams!
H

weeble gave a good reply, but I'll post anyway

LunaSyko wrote:-Is being Co-Conscious with an Alter a good way to see how you will be once you've integrated?

Uh... if you were integrated, you should have a mix of traits from both personalities. Being co-conscious doesn't really mean you'll have their traits as your own... although, their feelings can affect you, and you could blend a little (not integrated, but more together than completely separate). If you can kind of imagine having a combination of personality traits, then I guess you could kind of get an idea of how it might be.

LunaSyko wrote:-What do you do if you're strongly against Integration, but your friend (who also has DID) is trying to integrate with their Alters and they ask for your support?

Well, that is their decision. He/she isn't doing anything wrong (provided no one is getting hurt), and everyone has a different picture of what healing looks like, for them. I guess just be supportive of their decision, but don't get more involved than you're comfortable with...?

LunaSyko wrote:-Are Bi-Polar, Depression, being really Distant, having a hard time with emotions etc, things that go with DID?

You can have more than one disorder, so Bipolar is something that a person can have, along with DID. Depression comes with a lot of disorders, and DID is definitely one of them. Being distant... like cautious? Not liking/wanting to get too close? People who have been abused (which most multiples have been) can be distant, in different ways, because they've been hurt. Having a hard time with emotions - yes. Your emotions get split up, with DID, so that can cause difficulty expressing/feeling/handling them.


And the Hitler thing is probably from feeling so out of control, lately. You want some control, and he had a whole lot of it. If you can't talk to your friends about what's stressing you out, can you write in a journal or something? At least you would be able to get your thoughts out, that way. You just don't want to start using bad coping techniques to try to gain control, so it should be good to find some way to express how you feel.

Thanks guys for responding. I know that was sort of a lot for me to say at once.

The lack of power and whatnot stuff makes sense. Hitler did have a lot of power, control, etc. Never really thought about that part of it.

I'm not too sure if my Co-conscious is actually that, I just assumed.. But basically.. Uhm.. we'll use me and Kendra for example. We both, literally, share the body. We decide who has control over the walking and whatnot, or fight over it. We both talk, though I talk more than her so yeah.. Sometimes, we'll end up talking (outloud) to each other.. So it basically looks like I'm having a full-blown, two sided, conversation with myself, only my voice changes just slightly and my hand movements.
As for what goes on in my head... You know how when you look at something, you have a 'normal' thought pattern for it? Well.. If I'm co-con, then I have two of those thought patterns. If Im looking at something like the floor, a chair, etc, the clashing thought patterns dont make much of a difference, but when I look at people, it tends to give me a headache and I have to shift through what's my thoughts and what aren't before I actually say anything.

I hope that made sense...

Anyways, thanks for answering my questions. ^^

Yeah, but I don't think that's how being integrated would feel. When you're co-present, it's still both of you there, as separate parts, instead of just the one person who has all of the traits. Like with the thoughts, that's kind of what I meant by alters affecting you, when you're co-conscious. With integration, the thoughts would actually be coming from you... I don't think it would feel like they're being uh... fed (I can't think of a better way to put it ) to you, like with co-consciousness. You would probably be able to recognize that it's how Kendra used to think, though. It would just be a mix of everything, all in one person (some traits would be more dominant than others).

LunaSyko, concerning your question about your affect (your display of emotions), I gather people are telling you that you appear to be operating from a False Self. This is something to discuss in depth with your therapist. I have come across mention of the False Self in several books for psychotherapists, but as this is not a problem of great concern to me I did not pay much attention. Maybe others here can give you some leads.

Often, but not always, people with DID have additional mental health issues. Sometimes just individual alters have the issues. It stands to reason, given why we have DID.

Una+ wrote:Often, but not always, people with DID have additional mental health issues. Sometimes just individual alters have the issues. It stands to reason, given why we have DID.

I think that's definitely a possibility. In the last few weeks of "internal observation" I've discovered that my Victoria is a classic Histronic Personality. To the T, and that kind of scares me because my mother has issues with being Histronic. Maybe my others each have an issue to their own because over the years I've been in the category of many different disorders, but then the behavior is almost non-existing when they are inside and not "with" me, or out. I honestly thought I was crazy or making things up because each issue has been so strong but it never felt like I was suffering from the problem, but it was present in me.

Maybe my others each have an issue to their own because over the years I've been in the category of many different disorders, but then the behavior is almost non-existing when they are inside and not "with" me, or out. I honestly thought I was crazy or making things up because each issue has been so strong but it never felt like I was suffering from the problem, but it was present in me.

Exactly, and I can relate to that. One of my alters is either emotionally immature, or a love addict. (Sorry, you, but I have to say it.) I gather from reading the DID literature that this is common. Common or not, it was a total and very unpleasant surprise for me to find myself going crazy over some guy I don't even know.