G'day, i'm new here with a question

Hi everyone,

I'm new to the forum though i have been reading it for months now... Just had to wait till they opened the new members thing up again...

I got DX last September and have achieved a lot since then. Stuff like:
internal communication
getting to know insiders and why they're here, when they were 'born' ect
Finding out 4 new insiders i never knew existed
creating rules for the insiders (though they already had these, they just decided to let me in on their rules haha)
Creating safety within the system
Learning of triggers ect

I thought i was doing really well and that having DID was awesome. That is until the last few weeks. I've been hearing about (nice way of putting 'bombarded with') things that happend to me while i was little...

Since then ive been getting these mini flashbacks of things. I won't describe them for the safety of you guys reading this, but suffice it to say the implications of them are horrific...

When they happen, i get nervous, a bit panicy (but nothing major) and dissociate for a few seconds to minutes depending on the image... But at this stage they're still just single images, not complete little movies like 'mine' used to be. I also get the feeling like they aren't "mine" which makes sense because all of this was experienced by the teen insider. It's like they seem to be snippets and once i put them all together i will get the full picture and be able to make the 'movie' out of them... I'm pretty sure they are giving me tiny pieces because when the teen insider came out with all these allegations i flat out refused to believe her. She didn't like that and bombarded me with more i began to believe her...That's when i cracked and another previously unknown insider came out and is now stealing all 'my' emotions and leaving me totally numb to it all. Like it's on the tv and i have absolutely no emotional connection to any of it...Until the last few days i haven't had anything from that or any insider since the new one came (he put up a brick wall between me and them) and now i can hear her again sporadically and I'm getting all these mini flashbacks again..As well as nightmares, triggers and general anxiety and not coping with life.


My question is: Is it called a flashback if it's just the mental image of something, not like a movie. Just a still picture?? Does anyone else get these?? Are they common??

Thanks for your time reading this.
H.

Well you can call it what ever you would like, it is what it is. Just a mental picture of trama. I don't think giving it a name will make much difference. You will still have to explain it out to people either way. And I agree having D.I.D. can be awesome, but there is definitely a down side that can be hard, emotional, and scary. Either way its real right? Glad too meet u welcome to the forum. I'm Aneisha.

Welcome, weeble I'm glad you finally posted.

weeble wrote:My question is: Is it called a flashback if it's just the mental image of something, not like a movie. Just a still picture?? Does anyone else get these?? Are they common??

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's still a flashback. I don't see why it wouldn't be... an image is still a way of being placed back in that moment. Flashbacks can be seen, heard, felt (physically or emotionally), tasted, smelled, etc. If they are seen, it can be like you're actually back in that moment, seen from a different angle (like watching from above), feel like you're watching a movie of it... all kinds of different stuff. I don't know how common they are, but I get images, a lot.

Hey Weeble,

I was reading your post with my gf's who have DID and they thought they could add something useful. So here's what they told me and what I know. Take anything you want from it and leave the rest.

What you're experiencing are most commonly referred to as flashbacks, like others before us have already said. Every person experiences them in a different way. For my gf is like she is back in the moment reliving every second of what happened to her or one of her alters. When it's really bad she can't distinguish what's real and what's not there. She will see, feel, smell and hear everything like it was at that time. She won't even be able to realize she is a grown person, simply because she doesn't experience it as such. They are pretty common for people with DID as they usually have some form of PTSD as well.

There are people who argue that flashbacks are a way of dealing with trauma and 'getting over' it. Some say flashbacks only present themselves when the person is ready to deal with what happened to him/her. I'm not so sure about that but I'm not an expert. We think it might be a good idea to ask within your system if the alter that is having the flashbacks come out is still doing it to prove a point or if she's not able to stop it anymore since she's opened the door to the memories. From your post we understand another alter has come forward to protect you from those flashbacks. This is a good thing considering this is all very new to you and extremely scary. Try and find out a way within your system to cope with the flashbacks. The best thing would probably be to go to a psychiatrist and ask for some professional help and get some coping methods. On this board there is a topic (if I remember correctly) that explains some of the coping methods. So maybe one of your alters can talk to her and help her, try to calm her down a little without getting you in on everything that's going on so to say. So you won't have to deal with the memories now but can when you're ready or have help dealing with them.

I don't know if this is of any help but I tried to write it down like they explained it to me and from what I've experienced with them so far.

thanks Canolime and Aneisha

I guess it doesn't really matter what it is called,i just like to have 'labels' for things so others know what i'm talking about both inside and out lol

Thanks Canolime for the clarification, i for some reason had it in my head that flashbacks were only the movie types...Don't know why or how that happened, but it's good to know I'm not going 'mad' haha Yes, the images while they are still only pictures still take me back for that split second (sometimes minutes) and i kinda stop everything and just sit there like a stunned mullet -or so to speak lol. All i know is they are not fun and i want them to stop...

onlyme,
Thank your GF(s) for me! they're very smart and yes it was very helpful! Some of my flashbacks are like hers in that they completely envellop me but most (certainly the picture ones) are more like they're not 'mine' some are from a totally different angle than 1st person/victim... More like i'm in the corner of the room watching... and Some are from that 1st person's point of view... these are the ones that typically 'get to me' more...
I too have heard that they supposedly only occur when someone thinks you're ready to deal with them ect. But i'm not so sure either... I do have a T and i go once a week but it's been a fortnight now and i'm really hanging out for some relief/answers...We have attempted to work on 'strengthening me' (the host/core/original or whatever you call it lol) but each time we came up with something it was quickly destroyed by the internal persecutor/protector. I think she's given up because she knows 'i' resist SH and everything that the teen wants to do...


I will try asking the insider whats going on but so far all i'm getting are occasional mixed messages through the brick wall the new insider has installed...Although, i've been getting more in these last 2 days than i have in 2 weeks and that's also when these flashbacks started as well as the nightmares..
All she says is "i want it out there, i want it all out so i can go away and dissapear. If i show you, you will believe me and you will do the job for us seeing as how the others wont let me" Not a very insightful answer because its well known in our system that she believes her only escape is SU. And the others have plans in place to step in and stop her if she ever tries it... She doesn't like that and see's just being alive inside as torture... I'm at a loss right now, I'm thinking that some of the flashbacks are intentional and others aren't...


i guess i will just have to keep trying to talk to her...i will research those coping skills threads you suggested. thanks!

Thanks again everyone...
H.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions. I started writing on this board to get some more insight myself but I like to offer help where I can. If I don't know something I ask my gf's and they will provide the answer they see fit.

So let me try and understand this. The teen alter that first started showing you things and you didn't believe wants to integrate and disappear cause she doesn't like living? Or cause she thinks you're ready to deal and she doesn't feel like you need her? How many other do you know off?

If you don't want to answer the questions I can understand.

Hi onlyme,

yes it is the teen alter that's showing me everything. No, She doesn't want to integrate (the mere suggestion by my T causes the protector 'K" to come out and get VERY angry-only at her though...like, you just suggested it and hes not here so that's good i guess haha) She says shes tried everything else to stop her pain so shes showing me everything and not keeping secrets anymore to see if it makes her feel better- to see if she can then be allowed to 'go'... ('Go' is her code for SU) she says she doesnt want to be the secret keeper anymore.. so the protector/persecutor has taken on that role- although he always shared it with her anyway.

When she came out with these allegations and stuff that lead to me not believing her, she said:"i don't care anymore. i'm just gonna tell her so i can 'go' ."

She appears to have no real cares if 'i' can cope or not, she just wants out and wants to be 'gone'...I think she knows that too much on 'me' and i will crack and give in to her (i did a few times when i was at school in 2003-2004, resulting in SH and serious SU threats.)

When you ask 'how many others do you know of?" Are you asking how many other insiders do i know of?? well, not including me as the host, there are 8 others... 2 of which don't talk to me..1 doesn't talk at all, i dont think he/it has a mouth..lol. It's the killswitch, it looks like the black smoke monster out of the tv show "lost" or sometimes looks like the Jeanie out of "aladin"... haha, basically he swoops in when 'master' tells him to and shuts everyone and everything down... i just lay there totally unable to move for a period of time, then when 'i' come back, i'm usually calmer and able to function, but numb... it's only happened a few times and its usually when i'm crying really hard..."master' is the newcomer i didn't know existed until a few weeks ago and he hardly ever speaks to me, but he watches everything and has been blocking everyone from communicating with me for the last 2 weeks.

i just added everyone to my signature... took me a long time because i had to cut out so much that i wanted to say about them all lol.

I don't mind answering questions, its really the only time anyone inside talks to me lately, and it helps me to learn more about myself too...

Wow, that's quite the system you have there. I'm glad you have a T helping you out. I think it makes things a lot easier for as far as that is possible. At least you can talk to someone once a week who really know how they can make your life better. I think communication is key. I see it between my gf's. They have very good communication but like every family, they sometimes fight as well. I see in your signature you are engaged- congratulations! Does your fiance know about your alters and talks to them as well? Or are your alters not really out there but only when the situation needs them?

I don't know if your teen with SU threats has someone in the system she feels safe with but maybe she can talk to that person? It's very common for alters to react angry to integration. This is not something that is easily achieved nor is it something that is always desired. And from what I've heard it can only be succesful when both host and alter agree to it but it's a long process. Seems like you have some exploring to do. Hopefully communication within your system will get better soon. Try and talk to the ones that are willing to talk to you and just tell them that you want them to help you understand certain things. About them, about what they think is there place in your life, what they want, what they like etc. Try and get to know them like you would a new friend.

hi onlyme,

yeah, it's quite a...weird system... I only ever knew of the angry protector and the little until i went to T and she diagnosed me and then it kinda all made sense haha. The othes have all come out of their own accord over time....
My T has never had anyone with DID before (i don't think) so shes learning everything as i do. Although she seems to know what shes talking about which is a good thing lol. Yeah i agree communication is the key to everything and we do have a pretty good communication system going too, but since the arrival of the wall 'master' put up everythings been much much harder... though, last night my ISH came tot he front behind me and spoke to my fiance about how she thinks master is the real ISH and that she is just an inner helper...lol We got a little confused (fiance and I) and while i don't really like to 'label' people inside or out, they seem very comfortable with being catergorised by their tasks ect...and ho am i to argue, it makes my life alot easier haha

yes my fiance knows about the others, he says he met them the first time we ever lay in bed with each other and i was relaxed...Back then, we were still 16 and he thought it was awesome that he could talk to my (what he thought) subconscious...hahah. He's not friends with the protector- mainly because the protector hurts me and tells me how to kill the fiance... But they get on ok... He's only ever been out once or twice when the fiance is around and he restrained himself lol
The others aren't 'out' much at all at home, though the little girl LOVES my fiance and comes out whenever she can...Even if it's just to be tucked into bed by him. lol. He loves her too he says shes super cute haha... the rest of the time, the others come out only when their needed... Or in T... they seem to be eager to come out and chat to the T, but even then, i kinda resist that unless the T has booked alot of time for us. They seem to know when its ok for them to come out.

My teen is safe inside with the 2 grown ups (the protector and the ISH) and they talk regularly behind closed doors, sometimes the only way i know they're even having an internal meeting is when the little comes out and finds my fiance and tells him "mummy, 'K'__, 'T__' naughty talking." her new word was/is 'naughty'. lol so everything and everyone is 'naughty' lol it's funny to listen to sometimes, but my fiance knows what shes talking about and what shes saying...eventually...lol

The teen's issues are more stuff about weather 'i' will let her 'go' and weather 'i' believe her when she says the things that happened to her/us. She's settled down alot now i'm constantly telling her i believe her- and starting to believe it myself...Though shes still sharing the flashbacks and nightmares...

I agree integration isn't going to work unless everyone wants it to and i don't think it's something we as a system want... we like being multiple, we just have alot of work to do to get to a place where we can be less triggered and more cooperative... I am always talking with the others, about everything from the weather to why we just got that pulse of anxiety... I'm hoping they can hear me through this wall...But if i can hear them then i guess they can hear me too haha

thanks for your advice, it means alot to have someone who isn't my T or my fiance to talk to about this... And to give some constructive advice... i always find myself in a rutt but don't know what questions to ask them haha..

Thanks again!
talk to you again soon i'm sure!

I've replied to your post in a PM. That way this doesn't turn into one big convo. I doubt the mods like that.