SO in need of rant and advice

To be honest I have no clue how to start this the proper way so I’m just gonna start ranting and whoever is reading this thanks in advance and please bear with me!

I have been dating my girlfriend who has DID for almost a year now. The last 2,5 months things have gone from bad to worse with her. It all started when her T got into a serious accident. Well actually it started before that but I don’t want to go into great detail and it’s gonna be too long of a story. Back to the point. Her T got into a serious accident and went MIA for a few days. During these days a new alter came out and with that alter a whole new world of possibilities opened but also a lot of questions were raised. Now I should say that until that day it was only her (the Core) and her one alter. I fell in love with them both and was absolutely terrified when the new alter came out because what if she wouldn’t love me? Fortunately that didn’t happen and I now have 3 beautiful girlfriends! That same week her dad got into a coma. These 3 events were so big that she couldn’t handle it anymore and she had to have herself committed. Her T not being able to help her at that point cause she was in the hospital herself. Unfortunately at that place they didn’t have anyone experienced enough to help her with her problems and she transferred to a different place. She has a wonderful guy helping her now but she’s only getting worse. When she was transferred she didn’t allow anyone to see her anymore including me. It’s important to note that this was the Core’s decision and her two alters are not happy with that at all. So there have been a lot of fights. All of this have let to more flashbacks, nightmares, hallucinations etc. to the point where I’m starting to think ‘ will this ever get better?’ I don’t know what to do anymore. We talk all the time and I know that she needs me now more than ever. They all need me now but I can’t seem to get her to change her mind. Right now she says that when the edge is off and she’s doing a little better I can come and see her. I personally think: the sooner I see her the better she will do cause she is constantly stuck with herself not having any distractions at all. The guy there says as well that she doesn’t belong there as she is capable of taking care of herself. Right now she just needs some observation and someone who’s there who knows what they’re doing when she’s having those heavy flashbacks. Now I am capable of calming her down to a very big extent but I am not a psychiatrist nor do I want to start acting like one. I’m extremely worried and I’m not sure what I should do at this point but be supportive and hope that she’ll let me see her soon.

I’m also very worried about her new alter. She’s lost and lonely and words seem to fall short to comfort her. She tends to shut down easily and just says she’s fine when I know she’s really not fine at all. I’ve tried talking to her about this and she does open up a little but I don’t know anymore what I can do to make them all feel better. So I guess that after this rant my question to you would be: what do I do? Do I try and convince the Core that I should come there now or do I just give it a rest and hope that things get better soon?

Any advice or words of encouragement are welcome! Thank you for reading.......

I've never been in your position, so it is hard to feel qualified to give advice. Feel free to take anything here that sounds appropriate and toss the rest.

If she (core) is asking for time to sort out this difficult situation, maybe it is best to show that you honor her capacity to figure out her life by respecting her wishes. I can tell you from "inside DID" that it is overwhelming at times. I can only speak for me in saying that I don't welcome others trying to tell me what I need to do or trying to explain to me what it is like to be me. My husband likes to advance his theories and sometimes that is just annoying. My T gets to be the exception to that rule.

Be aware you may be treading on thin ice if you try to force your way into the situation before she's ready. It may not be that she is rejecting you, although it may feel that way. It could just be that having DID is emotionally and physically draining sometimes, and she may honestly not have the energy to manage anyone's feelings outside of her own.

You don't mention if her former T is going to be working with her again. I'm guessing the current T and former T have been given permission to consult?

I wish you the best.

Thank you very much for your advice, I really appreciate it!

I don't want to force her in seeing me. That is never good and I really do want to respect her decision and I have been doing so. It's just that her alters are really hurt by that decision and it's getting to them. On top of that both her current and original T think it would be a great idea if I would see her. So I'm kind of torn when it comes to that. Her original T just got out of the hospital this weekend and went to see her straight away so that was really good! The two T's are friends of each other and when it comes to important decision her original T decides what's best. She just needs to recover now and then she can take over again but that's gonna take quit some time.

So I guess the best thing is just support them from a distance. Try and calm her alters down as much as I can (even though I hate seeing them hurt cause I love them all to pieces) and wait until she thinks she's ready to have some company again. I'm still very new to all of this and although me and them have been through a lot already, I still have a lot to learn so any words of advice are welcome!

Wow. You sound so supportive. They are lucky to have you.

I'd suggest going with the core's wishes. There is probably a reason she feels this way and it is probably overload for her and has nothing to do with you. It will be best if she feels that you can respect her wishes.

Perhaps you can say to her that you will respect her wishes and not visit if that is what she wants but ask her if she can explain why. Say that it is very hard for you, that you want to visit and to comfort her and the others and that it will be easier for you to feel settled if you can understand her and her reasoning a little better.

I'd leave it at that and hope that she changes her mind at some point. Perhaps you can write some good old fashioned mail and post it to her other personalities, perhaps with a small gift. That might help them feel a bit better and more supported even though the core won't allow you to be there at this time.

Thank you so much for your kind words Salted!

I've talked to the Core (that just sounds awful calling my gf's Core and alters lol) and she has explained her reasoning behind her decision which is why I have respected it all this time and still do. It's just that, she's not alone in this and see has two other people with 'needs' too and she's not really listening to what her alters want at all. I must say it is slowly getting better and I've got them to stop fighting and start cooperating en communicating again in a normal way. Her alters feel very ignored at times and I've been trying to convince them that the Core is just doing it because it's the best thing for them right now.

I had a pretty bad breakdown myself yesterday. The last two weeks have been extremely hard for her and I've pretty much been on skype with them 24/7 unless they had their sessions, to calm them down and support them. It's just so hard for me to see them hurting this badly all the time. I had a very good conversation with the Core yesterday. She said she feels emotionally drained and doesn't care about anything anymore, like she's numb. At the same time she says she would give anything to just go on a holiday with me but she doesn't know at this point if that would actually do her any good. She says she does care about recovering as quickly as possible so it's very confusing to her. She's also dissociating a lot lately. Constantly doing things on autopilot and not really registering what's going on. All of this kind of scared me, so in my breakdown I asked her to please go and talk to her T about all of this because she tends to sometimes 'forget' to tell things. She wanted to wait at first but she did it anyway to comfort me which was really very sweet. So I guess my question to you is: do you ever feel this way? Can I help her built up more positive thoughts or is this one of these things that just need to pass as well? It worries me but at the same time I can understand that it's all very stressful for her and dissociating is her way of coping.

I'm very lucky to have three beautiful girls in my life who all love me deeply. Thank you for your words of advice!

PS. I haven't really been able to focus on what I'm writing so I hope it makes sense. If you have any questions. Feel free to ask. Any and all help is welcome...