Rant

Hello there everybody, ta for your replies.

So. Wendywolf firstly. It's a comfort to not feel alone in these thoughts. Your quote "truth cannot be separate" is a very intelligent one which kinda speaks to me if I'm honest, without sounding pretentious. How does Renata manage your clothing/style choices? And do you reckon I stop referring to it as "the body"? I just don't feel like there's any connection there. Emily and I always did go through disassociate moments while fronting where it felt as through the body was left "empty", and I've never quite moved on from that. I just don't know how to connect to the body. Emily didn't either, hence long-term eating problems. Go figure.

Rixus - yeah, basic problem being that I need the analytical crap. It's vital to me. I need to understand how things work and how things operate, biologically, physiologically. DID doesn't make sense, and that really, REALLY doesn't make sense to me. I work on logic, and this isn't logical. Consciousness isn't damn logical, and I'm spending my time contemplating an existence in a mind that has long since abandoned the one thing that keeps me grounded.
In answer to your questions - no, Emily has never EVER gone before, and it's me who can't remain in control for long periods. I don't know why, there just comes a point when I physically can't manage it and have to withdraw back into the system. That is the sum reason of why I've been ill - I'm not able to cope with this at all solo. ANd Heather ent helping.

Canolime, hiya. I'm alright, still getting myself through things. We've started balancing things by letting out the littles in the evenings when I can possibly get away with being childish so I can stay out more. Heather is doing her level best, but it isn't really enough given that last week she PROVED she could stay out for long periods without adverse effects which has just made me considerably angrier. THe reason she won't take front is because she feels a) uncomfortable and b)

Sorry, have to intrude a little despite this being Jen's thread. I feel... I don't know, shivery and nervous, I get sort of anxiety attacks. I am trying, but I'm terrible when I'm out front, and Jen and I are totally differnet and when we switch it's so obvious and since I don't like it anyway... Look, I am trying. I'll let Jen back out now.

######6 hell I hate when she does that. Anyway, as I was saying. She tries, but it ent really enough to keep us running. I am trying to move things to be my own, and it is working to a degree. I accidently introduced myself to somebody I met the other day as Jen... was very surreal actually, made me feel SO much better. ANd I now can talk to him whenever, and feel like myself.

I'll try and work out some things with Heather about clothes. And I know what Emily's about, so I'll try and fugure out what will/won't upset her overmuch. Thanks for talking. Jen

Well, for what it's worth, Jen, you sound like you're doing remarkably well under the circumstances. Especially managing to maintain your grades in college, and with that vile comment from the family (well, you seem to hint at more than one comment). Why do some people have to be so ignorant and prejudice? That always p***es me off.

How long has she been gone for? And you have no idea why?

And I don't know if this helps your existential contemplation, but here's something to think on. I studied writing at university, and part of that was really looking at different peoples writing voices. I've only ever seen 3 of you writing on here, and you all have different voices. And I don't just mean the font colour. The tone of voice is very different, even in Heather's comment above if you look for it.

Also, something I was trying to explain in my last post. Even if when you were born as part of Emily, you've obviously grown beyond that. Think about it, if I took one person, cloned them and then let them both continue their life, how long would it be before they were completely independently different people? And that would be if they were identical. So how different would two aspects of one person be if they parted company?

Hey there,
Ta so much, kind of you to say that. My family is a nightmare, but they are family - not my family on a technical basis, but what can I do so I'm going to do all I can for Emily so things are alright when she eventually comes back. I am doing everything I can just for her, and I don't really have much else I can do in the meantime; I'm keeping up grades and everything else, and it really does mean a lot that you think I'm doing alright over at this end

She's now been gone since beginning of November-ish, I think, and I have no idea why she left. Haven't seen or heard from her since.

Blimey, hadn't noticed the voices... I mean I look at all us writing, and I know Heather is quite removed (and obv the littles are miles away) but me and Emily always seemed relatively similar. Always wondered about things like that - I'm really glad you pointed that out too, quite helpful given the subject of this "rant" hehe.

Ooh, now the clone thing is genius. Emily went through a phase of absolute fascination with cloning and biological deals like that - so that makes a lot of sense too. Eck. Makin' sense. Thanks sooo much for this, means a lot. Jen.

Dear D_T, Very well said. I will be looking forward to your future posts. I have gained some insight, myself, from your post .....Thank you

+1 D_T.

I was informed yesterday? The day before? That my own mouth had been used to outright deny my existence. But if I didn't exist, then you wouldn't be reading my reply ... Well, I think I exist.

... Anyway, Heather gave me some pointers. So it's good to know that she's not all bad , I appreciate whatever I can get.

I say keep up the good work, both of you. If I were there I would be proud of you. Jen, ranting is an excellent pastime, I'm always working on my technique
So. Good job.

~~~~Jacob

Hello there. Sorry, been a bit busy recently, having a lot of problems at this end so I thought I'd drop in quickly.

Jacob - didn't know Heather had got involved. Ah well. Least she helped.

Ranting is a perfect pastime, and I may have another at some point depending on whether things clear up. Life in conspiring against me. Woop.
Jen.

Hello, happy new year to you. I haven't been on here over christmas, so sorry for the late response.

Writing voices are quite interesting, especially to someone who's really interested in writing like me. Everyone types differently. People use different punctuation, different paragraphing, sentance structure and like to use different phraises a lot. So we all end up with a unique tone to our writing. It doesn't necessarily relate to what we show people in the real world, but it does often say a lot about you. Take this example, I worked with a guy who seemed to be very friendly, chatty and joked around a lot. But whenever I saw an e-mail off him, it sounded irate and fed up. After knowing him for a while, I realised that he was very fed up, pessimistic and annoyed a lot, he just didn't like people to see that so did his best to seem happier to everyone else.

I haven't seen a lot of your posts. I don't spend much time in the DID forum. I don't have DID myself, and I only come in here to answer a few question because my fiance has DID. I've met two others (can I call them emergent personalities, rather than the word you don't like? It sounds better to me. More elegant). Anyway, one is an 8 year old child who comes out for a few minutes every few years, although their is a trigger to make them change (I don't know what it is though, and neither does she). The child get's very frightened as she doesn't know where she is or what's going on. She just asks me were her daddy and her old things are. Although the psychiatrist said she was dangerous and violent, I have found that she behaves no differently to any other child would if they woke up in a strange place with strange people. It must be upsetting.

The other one is kind of like my fiance is. She only comes out for an hour or two a few times a year, normally only when she's very stressed. She generally comes out at night, I think she comes out to watch over herself at night or something, because she came out a lot more early on in our relationship. She's been known to keep people up all night, and seems quite normal, albeit a little different to usual. Sometimes, she says she has kind of watched this happen as if dreaming, and kinds out that it really did happen the next day. Other times she has no memory of the conversation or whatever happened the night bedfore. I don't know either of their names, though. The other adult seems perfectly aware of what's going on, as if she's been watching or something. She also has bipolar (my fiance, not either of the emergents), so I do spend a bit of time in that forum too. As well as a few other forum's to deal with my own issues.

Anyway, back to you. Apart from this thread, I think I've only ever seen one other post from you. I've seem two that I remember from Emily and few of Heather's dotted around. And you all sound quite different. The first time I saw it, Heather had jumped in on a thread Emily was on and I stopped and thought, is that a different poster? Then I noticed the name at the bottom was different, and it made sense.

1) Emily sounds generally depressed and self conscious, with low self esteem. She sounds like she looks down a lot, doesn't make a lot of eye contact and probably doesn't speak up much, if at all, in groups. She's probably quite afraid of people and what they think of her and probably has a very bad image of this view she thinks people have of her. Don't get me wrong, I'm not insulting her. She sounds like a nice person I'd probably get on fairly well with, just kind of down and self conscious but there's nothing really wrong with that.
2) You sound quite chatty and energetic. I picture you smiling a lot and being quite animated when you speak. I don't imagine you have much of an issue talking to people, even in large groups and might even be a conversation leader type of person. You no doubt have a lot to say, as your posts are always the longest out of the three of you. Even when your writing an annoyed rant, there's a certain almost humoruous undertone.
3) Heather sounds more like Emily than you do. She sounds nervous and very self conscious, althugh she doesn;'t seem to have Emilies depressive tendenices. She sounds like she doesn't get out much. Her posts are always short, only ever one paragraph. I picture her being quite fidgety, and probably thinks too long about what she's going to say, often missing the opportunity to say it. She may even blurt things out a lot. She's also obviously very concerned with what people think of her. She probably doesn't say much in large groups, but makes sure she says something every now and then just so that people remember she's their and because she's worried they will think she's anti-social if she doesn't.

How close was I, then? Like I said, it doesn't always show you what people show to all those around them, and I may be wrong,. These may just be how you were all feeling at the time or something.

Here is a much more simplistic, less articulate response. I don't think I've read anything by Emily yet, but Jen and Heather are both cool (so why not Emily?)

Probably not helpful to anyone at all, but jumping back on the train here.
I agree that Heather did seem very concerned with how she'd be perceived. Neither of the girls has anything to worry about there.

I hope that *I'm* not rambling.

Just joined and wanted to reply to your post. Honestly, feel like I could've written this myself and I really feel you oh how d### frustrating it is to not have your own body, life etc. People tell me to accept it like it is, but as I'm sure you understand it's not that simple. If it means anything, I'm going to agree with everyone else that were real. Though I'm not an expert in the stuff, there's new science to say that the brain is wired and set off differently in different states...some people can even see different, have different physicals reactions etc. That are all biologically based. If you go to aninfinutemind.com, think they have more info on it...but yeah, so it can't be all mental and all. And if you want to get all philosophical I always consider this: others define a person as someone who's capable of emotions, has the ability to make decisions, have conscious thought and communicate with others...I know I can do all this, and I have desires, fears, hopes etc. I mean, if we have that it must count for something right? It doesn't matter what those ignorant people say telling us we don't exist....grr I get you on how ANNOYING that is. those are probably the same people though that have other close-minded foolish views of the world they won't change. It's part of *their* nature not you.

I know it's really scary when our host disappears too....I get that same exhaustion/sickness if I have to front too long, as well as some anxiety. I'm not sure how you guys work, but can you send out a "rescue team" of nice others inside to find her? Rhianna is usually our savior when it comes to that, she can always reel C*** back in if it's an emergency. She find Rhianna soothing, so someone like that maybe? Or setting up something soothing specifically for her, like music she likes, a friend she enjoys, a place she wants to go. Whatever might communicate to her you'd like her back...plus some good old begging has worked for me as a last maneuver sometimes. Otherwise, try to take care of you somehow. I don't know what makes you feel level headed, but whatever it is keep doing it because she will come back and the important thing is to stay strong until then. Know it's tough but just from this you seem the type to me that could.

Oh and just because the rest of the world doesn't see it yet, doesn't mean all that hard work and creation isn't all yours. I find it frustrating having to go under the guise of the body's name; but I find having people in real life who know I exist helps becauseI can show them my art and feel proud of it, attached to me. hope you can find the same and find some peace through all these emotions.

Just wanted to say you're not alone and I understand from my own way. Take care

-Sereena

Hello,
Just realised my previous post is in the wrong colour. That annoys me a disproportionate amount.

Thanks to everyone who's replied, really interesting and helpful. Rixus, firstly - hi. Happy New Year. Yeah, your fiancee's situation sounds pretty familiar, Lily was a bit like that when she first found out. I think the violent aspects are more lashing out, like when any kid throws a tantrum - it's when they're planning it in advance that things are really bad, I know I do that . Your fiancee does sound like she has quite a working system from what you've mentioned in the past, hope she's alright, and you too for that matter.
Your appraisal of the system is actively fascinating - you have it practically spot on. The only one I'd have a faint issue is with Heather being fidgety - she does blurt things out, but she tends to be very measured and definite in what she says, not erratic. I'm the erratic one usually Thanks for that actually, is a definite strike in favour of me being certainly real in my own right. What you said made me think actually - I was speaking to a friend of mine, one who knows me and Jen very well (but doesn't know that we're different people...) and she mentioned that she misses the "quieter" side of me. We got talking more, and she noted that actually she is aware of definite "sides" of me, as she called them. It doesn't surprise me - we're very close, and I've dared switch with her around in the past... I don't know, just more evidence really. Handwriting is also different for us... which biologically I don't understand. I mean do personalities tend to be directly reflected in handwriting?! Ta. Jen.

She_hears_them - Heather says thanks, but is refusing to come out atm, so yeah.

Sereena - hello, nice to meet ya. The site is briliant, as I mentioned I need the analytical and biological basis in fact for any of this to make sense. My therapist, bless him, is more into the idea of a soul which I think is total BS, so he can be a bit unhelpful when I'm trying to get actual information on how my brain WORKS. WIth finding Emily, I'm just trying to let her know she's safe and we'll look after her, but we have no response yet. the littles are on the lookout too... ergh. Hope I'll find her.

Oh, and I've started posting some writing (I'm a writer!) on the net under my actual name - surprisingly therapeutic, actually. Ta again everybody for your responses, much appriciated