Nightmares and Dreams

I grew up never having a single nightmare. Not one (at least that I remember). Until our breakdown 8 years ago and we became aware of each other and that we are multiple. Now its nothing but nightmares almost every night, every nap. Perhaps the years growing up without nightmares makes them all the more vivid now, I don't know, but they have now become the norm.

Nowdays on rare occasions, I have a nice dream, a dream where someone actually cares for me, and makes me feel loved. It feels so wonderful, it makes me wake up crying and wanting to d*e immediately. The dream is like taunting me with what I can never have, never feel, never be, and it kills me to feel it and know it is an impossability. It's like it takes any shred of hope I might have left in me and uses it to tear me apart again and again. It feels worse than the nightmares, and I just want it to end when it happens.

tortured by the lure of happiness...... hows that for being messed up. Waking from a nice dream makes me want to k*ll myself...... so messed up...... wish I could make it all stop and go away, or end it myself.

What else is left when something as simple as a nice dream can push you to that edge that easy???

Sorry.... maybe this doesnt make sense, I'm all messed up.

Lahl

dreams can have the same impact as something that happens in real life..

im sorry to say i have no solution for your problem.. i can only tell you how i experiance something similar.

i have moments when i dont know if im awake or dreaming... like im caught between time and space.. nothing seems real but affects me just the same.. and after these periods i always feel really empty

i dont know if its any help... prolly not but i thought i might as well post it.

could you tell me what the nightmares are about? maybe i can be of more assistance then.

Hi Lahl

I have had somewhat similar experiences to you. But when I wake up after a good dream and cry, I sometimes interpret it as showing me the possibility of what could be. How come you are so certain tht you can't have love and/or what you want?? That sounds like depressed thinking rather than reality. Yes, sometimes, I feel alot of loss and I cry about that as well as feeling very discouraged about how my life is different from most people b/c of what I have to deal with.

If I can be of any help to you, don't hesitate to let me know.
Regards, Shrinkrapper Take Care

shrinkrapper wrote:How come you are so certain tht you can't have love and/or what you want?? That sounds like depressed thinking rather than reality.

Thats a very difficult one to answer without going into a whole lot of detail on a subject I find more difficult, more shameful and more embarassing than being multiple. Lets just say that due to apparent conflicting conditions, the medical community has put up roadblocks to prevent me from ever getting better. Society's attitude is rather hostile in general, and although I'm not 100% 'certain', I'm pretty much 99% certain. Thats why its such torture.

Anyway, I hope that makes a little sense. Hard to discuss without going into a whole lot of detail that I dont want to go into

Lahl

Hi Lahl,

I don't think I'd agree that society is particularly hostile. Ignorant, uninformed, insensitive, and drowning in bureaucratic red tape, yes.

I'm sorry that you feel stuck. Given the situations that are part of your story, perhaps there are other types of websites that could offer you ideas/assistance to help you get around your obstacles?

This is a tough one. Take Care, S

shrinkrapper wrote:I don't think I'd agree that society is particularly hostile. Ignorant, uninformed, insensitive, and drowning in bureaucratic red tape, yes.

you don't agree??? you don't even know what you're disagreeing with since we never made any statement as to what we were referring to

Given the situations that are part of your story, perhaps there are other types of websites that could offer you ideas/assistance to help you get around your obstacles?

This sounds suspicously like you're suggesting we should go elsewhere. Had it occurred to you that we already have sought out help/support from many different sources for many years, for many issues, since no one place is capable of dealing with all our issues at once.? And that this is just one of those places? Do you even know what situations are part of our story???

This is a tough one.

We do not like the sound of this. You make it sound as if this is a job, and that you have to fix us. Why do you constantly disagree and contradict our feelings and our explanations of our own experience? Do you know our experiences, feelings and situation better than we do?

Perhaps all this is unintentional on your part, but your posts to us seem confrontational and are not supportive to us. We are not here to explain ourselves as if we have to prove ourselves to you.

We are here for whatever support we can get. We know we cannot get or expect help or support with the majority of our issues here, however contradiction, minimisation and unacceptance of when we say things are more complex than they seem, leads to feeling unsupported and not understood, and therefore, feeling on the outside, despite the commonality of being here for support for DID (only).

If this is a problem for those here, then fine, we will go. Another place of support gone, another door closed.


Andrew & The Collective

Hi Andrew & The Collective,

Lahl expressed frustration and sounded pretty discouraged about her ability to get useful therapy b/c of where she lives and the way the healthcare system is set up in Australia. I have felt defeated about therapists this way at times. I was trying to be supportive by suggesting that she try to get some therapy leads/ideas by visiting other websites. I meant in addition to accessing this website. I am very sorry if I hurt you or Lahl's your feelings. It was not my(our) intention.

I think maybe that part of this miscommunication is the downfall of communicating online. You don't see my body language, facial expressions or intonations in my voice.

I also think that what is going on is that I have helper selves who can become active when my very depressed selves come out. My helper/healthier selves recognize that these selves carry most of the depression and that they have "depressed thinking". I have had selves who have had quite contradictory feelings. I have had to learn to communicate, work with them and integrate them. I still have a way to go. Although one self may not have the same experience/perception as another self, many of our contradictory selves are able to co-exist and tolerate each other. Some have actually come to see/feel that the other has something to offer my system and that a combined perception is more accurate.

We are all struggling in one way or another. I wish you no harm. You said that you see my comments as confrontational. Cannot I not have my feelings and points of view too? I think that I inadvertently hit some sore spots. I responded to your posts b/c I found your comments interesting and often insightful.

You really hit out at me. I feel misunderstood and disappointed. I meant no disrepect. I meant well. shrinkrapper

shrinkrapper wrote:Hi Andrew & The Collective,
.............
You really hit out at me. I feel misunderstood and disappointed. I meant no disrepect. I meant well. shrinkrapper

Sorry if Andrew was a bit rough on you. He was just doing his job as system protector.

You said that you see my comments as confrontational. Cannot I not have my feelings and points of view too?

Of course you're entitled to your own feelings and POV, but I think when Andrew said "confrontational", I think he meant it more as "looking for a fight cos I'm right' attitude.

We have, at another forum, been plagued with a troll that seems interested and semi helpful at first, but then attacks with self righteous know it all bullsh*t which quickly degenerates into mindless foul abusive behaviour that gets him banned. But he just keeps coming back with a new persona and goes through the same thing all over. This has been going on for over 3 years.

So, perhaps you're right in that you hit a sore spot...... your posts sounded much like this troll, and we got scared

So, I am sorry..... but Andrew did raise some valid issues. Please stop second guessing us and assuming things. Trust us when we say things about us/our situation are more difficult that they appear, since we have not and cannot give you a full picture on our whole situation here.

We are not looking for advice on how to 'fix' things. Circumstances make that impossible and frustrating since you do not have all the pertinent info, and we are not in a position to provide it. All we want, is perhaps a place to vent, a place where we can feel validated that our feelings and experiences are real and are understood by others. That we are not alone, at least in this area of our lives.

Lahl

Hi Lahl,

Yes, I know that Andrew was doing his job and he taught me a lesson. I can see that my 'helpful selves" need to cool their heals and wait until they're asked for their thoughts, etc. It's not as though they don't have enough of us to look after...They're not self righteous though, just sincerely trying to be helpful. Their heart is in the right place. However, they've heard your thoughts about "fixing" things and they will do their best to be helpful and keep their "fixing" ways to themselves.

Coming online is quite a step for me. I have remained hidden and in hiding for so long. There was a time not so long ago when I would be way too frightened to do this. This is the first site I've ever accessed.

I must say that reading what other people have to say about their DID experiences has made me feel less isolated. That's too bad about the troll. I find that scary and annoying. (I can hear my protectors in my head getting activated).

I wish you well. s