DID Question

Hi,

I'm new here and I'm not sure if I have DID or not. I have experienced sexual, emotional and physical abuse as a child, and I have been diagnosed with PTSD. I am currently in therapy and in my last session my T was asking about something from my past and I completely spaced out. I do that a lot when we talk about my past. Sometimes I'm still partially there because I can hear him talking but I can't make sense of it, and other times I don't really seem to be there at all. I just seem suspended. I don't seem to lose time, but I do get spacey throughout the day sometimes.

While I was spaced out at our last session, my T started to talk about DID and about how alters can sometimes be emotions. But since I was spacey I only caught bits and pieces of what he was actually saying, and now I'm trying to piece it all together. So I was wondering if anyone has ever heard that alters can be emotions?

Since my last appointment I've been trying to understand DID to see if he was referring to me when he said that. I have a story from my childhood that makes me wonder about it all. Sometimes, as a child, when I would be talking to a social worker, part of me would want to tell about the abuse, but part of me wouldn't. And then all of a sudden I would get this uncontrollable urge, and I would burst out laughing right in the middle of the conversation. I could feel it coming and I would say to myself "Please don't do it!", but then it would come spilling out of me like I had no control over it.

I wasn't laughing because I was amused. It was more like I felt superior, like I just fooled someone. Part of me inside was saying "I kept the secret! You're stupid! You think I told the truth, but I'll never tell!", and it would be said in a condescending, almost childlike way. Part of me felt proud that I outsmarted the person. I would put my hand over my face to hide my laughter because I was so embarrassed over it. The person would ask what's so funny and I felt terrible that I had laughed because that's not how I felt. Does this sound familiar to anyone?

I also have parts inside me. I know they're not really seperate people with seperate histories or anything. But they do have conflicting viewpoints and they argue quite a lot. I don't really feel like they take over, because I always still have awareness of what I'm doing. I think. Some of my parts are the Protector, the Best Friend, Sunshine, Despair. They each have different feelings about life, but they don't seem like fully formed personalities, but I'm not really sure. It's all pretty confusing.

Anyway, I was wondering if any of this sounds familiar to any of you. Thank you for reading my post, and any comments you can make to help me figure this out. I really appreciater it.

What you are describing sounds very much like what my Original has gone through. I, Nanashi, am the positive emotions. Primarily "agape" love. There is also another alt, Senza, who is comprised of negative emotions. Are there any triggers as to when you experience your spacing out? Smells, movements, music, sounds? If you do in fact have DID, then it seems that you are becoming more aware of them. Other than that, my Original has no experience in correctly analyzing and neither do I. You would have to ask him.
Find out for sure if your T thinks that you are showing signs of DID. It might be BPD, I am not positive. With love.

Welcome, BrownEyes!

I'm very spacey, most of the time.

BrownEyes wrote:So I was wondering if anyone has ever heard that alters can be emotions?

Alters hold emotions and memories that you couldn't handle. So in a way, they are emotions.

BrownEyes wrote:I could feel it coming and I would say to myself "Please don't do it!", but then it would come spilling out of me like I had no control over it.

That part sounds familiar

BrownEyes wrote:I wasn't laughing because I was amused. It was more like I felt superior, like I just fooled someone. Part of me inside was saying "I kept the secret! You're stupid! You think I told the truth, but I'll never tell!", and it would be said in a condescending, almost childlike way. Part of me felt proud that I outsmarted the person. I would put my hand over my face to hide my laughter because I was so embarrassed over it. The person would ask what's so funny and I felt terrible that I had laughed because that's not how I felt. Does this sound familiar to anyone?

That does sound like maybe it wasn't you. I've had similar things happen, because not everyone feels/thinks the same way I do.

BrownEyes wrote:I also have parts inside me. I know they're not really seperate people with seperate histories or anything. But they do have conflicting viewpoints and they argue quite a lot.

How do you know they're not separate or have different histories? Have you asked them? Conflicting viewpoints and arguing sounds like they're separate (and sounds like what goes on in my head ).

BrownEyes wrote:I don't really feel like they take over, because I always still have awareness of what I'm doing. I think.

You don't really feel like it? Do you have times where you feel like you're not the one moving or talking, and yet your body is doing things? Like you're doing things, without telling your body to do them, and are sometimes even fighting against it, but it's like you don't have any control over it. Just because you're still aware of what's going on, doesn't mean they don't take over. Not being in control of your body, but still being able to see/hear what's going on is called being co-conscious. Blackouts aren't the only way alters take over.

BrownEyes wrote:Some of my parts are the Protector, the Best Friend, Sunshine, Despair. They each have different feelings about life, but they don't seem like fully formed personalities, but I'm not really sure.

You even have names for them Why don't they seem like fully formed personalities?

BrownEyes wrote:Anyway, I was wondering if any of this sounds familiar to any of you.

A lot of it does...

Nanashi and canolime, thank you so much for your responses. You've posed some great points and questions for me to think about.

How is it possible to not know that you have alters? Wouldn't you know when you're not in control?

I never really thought of asking them if they're fully formed personalities. I do talk to them, but mostly they talk to me. I guess I assume they're not fully formed because I don't know their history. And shouldn't I, considering they're part of me?

And I do realize that these voices are actually part of me, because they're inside me, so I realize who else could they be. But sometimes they just seem to think differently than me. But I don't think I ever really thought that they aren't actually me.

Various disorders list a "fragmented sense of self" as a symptom. So it makes me wonder what the difference is between those disorders and DID. It makes me think that my personality is in fragments, but that each fragment isn't a fully formed personality.

I know that I sometimes can feel one way about life (all positive and full of love) and sometimes I think the opposite (all negative and full of despair). But I've always just chalked that up to my moods changing. And sometimes when I'm in the negative mind set, I can hear the positive part of me talking to myself trying give myself a pep talk. But I just assume that everyone does that.

I have just begun to notice that sometimes I feel like a teenager and I've heard someone talking about giving counseling to some troubled teens, and I thought to myself "What about me! I'm a teenager and I need help too! It's not fair!" And I thought it was really strange for me to think that way, but again, I just chalked it up to being momentarily childish.

I haven't talked to my T about any of this because for some reason I'm scared he will think I'm lying and making everything up. I have a voice telling me to keep it all to myself because he won't believe me.

I have told him that I have voices in my head with conflicting view points, and that I would really like peace and quiet. He told me that we can work on getting all the voices to defer to me in any decision that needs to be made instead of all arguing for me to do what they want. I wonder if his response sounds like he thinks I have DID. I just don't know.

I could write more but I'll stop for now. Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read this, and thank you for any response you can give.

I am convinced now your case may be DID. My Original cannot talk to us because he is scared of the whole situation. Are you blocking out any memories? Do they posess them and that is why you do not know their history (as Canolime said)? Perhaps you should let the "thought" of asking them run through your head, not directly asking and see if you acquire a response.
Currently I am fragmented and am missing a few "pieces" at the moment and you should not expect all the answers immediately. It may take some time to get to understand who is in your mind. There are others who have trouble communicating with their alts do to several reasons. Check past posts and determine what seems to be your current predicament. With love.

Hi Nanashi,

Thank you again for your reply. I do have parts of my childhood that I do not remember. In the past week or so I've been having some memories return to me. They aren't very traumatic memories that are returning. They are just some things that I used to do when I was a child that I had forgotten about. I told my T that I was getting some "neutral" memories back, and he said to be prepared for some "negative" ones to possibly start returning. I told him that it feels nice to at least have one piece of my childhood filled in.

It's a good question when you ask if my other parts might hold the memories from my childhood. I never thought of that. But I actually think that MAYBE that could be the case. I know "Sunshine" is pure and innocent and full of love, and she hasn't seen anything bad. But I think "Despair" may have seen some things because that part feels so hopeless over everything.

When I'm feeling a certain way, say full of despair, how would I know that it's not just me thinking negatively, instead of being an actual different part. Does that make sense?

Thank you again for your responses. They are so helpful to me.

Well I don't have much of a history. I was born 16 years old about a year ago. Freud was made from love and hatred that Jake couldn't stand feeling. This explains why he's bipolar and some other things about him. Jef was made to have no emotions, because Jake couldn't deal with Freud's feelings. I'm the oldest and the only one who's normal I guess.

We're all very close and our emotions spread to each other. We can tell who we are by the way we act and the difference of opinions we have. Although one time we did feel like we were all mixed together and it was hard to tell who I was. That was a strange disturbing week.

Lacan

BrownEyes wrote:How is it possible to not know that you have alters? Wouldn't you know when you're not in control?

Let's put it this way... knowing is different from guessing.

Identity is highly tricky and subjective. Since the mind also has a subconscious, which can cause you to unwillingly dream for example, then it is possible to be depersonalized without being considered "split" since your subconscious is considered another part of the same 'you'.

So how can you tell if it's your subconscious, or an alter? If they aren't you, they kind of just have to tell you (if you ask or not) and if they are you, then... they aren't so much an alter are they?

That's the difference between knowing and just deducing it. Alter relationships can go all kinds of ways. One way co-conscious is even possible i.e. you (or an alter) might sense things while switched but the other may not. So one experiences both phases and the other gets a 'blackout'. It happens.

BrownEyes wrote:How is it possible to not know that you have alters?

Alters work hard to hide it, and the main/host (i.e. you) usually thinks most of what happens to them is relatively "normal".

BrownEyes wrote:Wouldn't you know when you're not in control?

You might not. You might think something's weird, though. When they would do something that I had no problem with, I did notice something was weird, but I didn't recognize that I wasn't in control. When they do something I'm not happy with, I start fighting, trying to stop whatever it is "I'm" doing, and then I realize I can't control what I'm doing/saying.

BrownEyes wrote:guess I assume they're not fully formed because I don't know their history. And shouldn't I, considering they're part of me?

Alters take memories (that you couldn't handle) away from you. So, you wouldn't know everything that has happened to them. And alters can also have a past history of their own (like they might remember having a different family, before they were your alter). I guess that separate history just comes with what they were created to be.

BrownEyes wrote:And I do realize that these voices are actually part of me, because they're inside me, so I realize who else could they be. But sometimes they just seem to think differently than me. But I don't think I ever really thought that they aren't actually me.

I think it's kind of both. They are you, since you were all part of the same person, before the split. They are also now separate from you, have different thoughts/feelings and likes/dislikes, and have gone through different experiences.

BrownEyes wrote:Various disorders list a "fragmented sense of self" as a symptom. So it makes me wonder what the difference is between those disorders and DID. It makes me think that my personality is in fragments, but that each fragment isn't a fully formed personality.

Well, I think feeling fragmented is basically not feeling whole and consistent. That doesn't necessarily mean having alternate personalities. With DID, there are separate personalities who really think/feel/act differently than you.

BrownEyes wrote:And sometimes when I'm in the negative mind set, I can hear the positive part of me talking to myself trying give myself a pep talk. But I just assume that everyone does that.

C (alter) usually does that.
I think almost everyone does talk to themselves, but there's a difference between that and talking to an alter. When I'm talking to myself, I'm very aware of what I'm going to be saying to myself. When I'm talking with an alter, I'm sometimes pausing just a bit so I can "hear" what they're saying... and we really argue I sometimes argue with myself too, but again, I'm very aware of what I'm thinking. Arguing with myself is more like bouncing ideas around in my head, while arguing with an alter is really like arguing with another person (like trying to convince the other one to do what you want them to do).

BrownEyes wrote:I have just begun to notice that sometimes I feel like a teenager and I've heard someone talking about giving counseling to some troubled teens, and I thought to myself "What about me! I'm a teenager and I need help too! It's not fair!" And I thought it was really strange for me to think that way, but again, I just chalked it up to being momentarily childish.

That happens to me, too And sometimes I'll see a toy or something, and I'll get so excited... then, I notice there's a kid alter there with me (co-conscious), so that was their excitement kind of showing through me

BrownEyes wrote:He told me that we can work on getting all the voices to defer to me in any decision that needs to be made instead of all arguing for me to do what they want.

That sounds like he might be thinking about DID. If he thought they were hallucinations, he'd probably talk about stopping the voices, instead of getting them to let you make the decisions.


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gwilly wrote:and if they are you, then... they aren't so much an alter are they?