Is this what it's like for you sometimes?

Having no diagnosis (and not enough information) I'm wondering if this is the sort of thing which happens to others here, or if I have something else:

I have this sort of experience with many others inside me, but these happened today so I'll use them as an example:

First, I was photographing wild dolphins this morning. I do this most Saturdays on an island not too far from where we live. The photographer and the naturalist love this and work together (the photographer doesn't let us do it without the camera so I don't go right in and swim with them - only up to waist deep). These two are very focussed. They don't feel the cold - I was in the sea before sunrise (it is the beginning of Spring here, the water is chilly). I didn't notice and it took me a few seconds to register when someone walked past and commented that I must be from Canberra to be in such cold water! I also cut up my feet a bit on my flip flops in the salt water, but didn't notice that either until I was finished and walking back up the beach. This is the norm for these two - I've been known to photograph happily for an hour at a time in England or Sweden in mid-winter at night with no gloves on, oblivious to the cold. Odd, since I actually hate the cold!

Another one. I was shopping without my kids today. I felt just the way I did when I was backpacking (and call this one The Backpacker). Walking quickly, standing tall, meeting people's eyes. Not aggressive, but not backing away from anyone either. Actually, this one wouldn't take on confrontation (unlike the angry young adult from the same time) but acts confident all the same. I really like her. I like how I feel when she is at the fore (as it were). Although she is very thoughtful and somewhat aware of all that happened in the past it's not enough to actually cause depression. She is very quiet though. The instant I got to the till and had to speak to the cashier her/our anxiety spiked (I was aware of all this entirely), my chest felt tight and I could feel mild heart palpitations. I remembered then that like so many of my others, although she feels calm and confident this changes the instant she has to speak to anyone.

I'm just wondering if this is what it's like for others here. I change completely - but I am completely aware at the moment and can remember it afterwards. I don't notice the actual moment of change from one to another but can look back to earlier in the day and see that I was someone else earlier.

It used to be that I only felt all of them except the sort of support one (who has recently - embarrassingly! - taken on the personality of my therapist...) but realised a few weeks ago that I could talk to the 5 year old and calm her by holding her hand. Since then I've noticed that I can talk to others too (I always have to the photographer as well, although she is usually at the fore and me in the background as it were).

I'm just wondering, do these experiences sound normal for dissociative identities? Or do I have something else I wonder. I really hope my T is going to give me some more information this week! Not knowing what is going on is making me feel crazier than ever.

Hi! Hope you don't mind if I give you my two cents worth again.

Oooo! That sounds nice. Photographing wild dolphins.

Can't say I've had such focus or specific things like photographer and naturalist. I have been places where I could be without a coat and only realise how cold it is when I see people looking at me like I'm daft.

I think I can relate to being in the toy shop. It's fun, I used to want everything, all the bright colours, I had to really work to keep the excitement in check otherwise someone might have noticed.

I am quite a craft type of person so I could get away with buying beads and such and colouring books and pens. Thinking back, I usually had someone with me and they would deal with the cashier. I was too excited to calm down or switch back.

I'm aware and remember it and, so long as nothing happens to scare us, we manage fine.

These experiences sound normal to me.

That all sounds pretty normal to me except the anxiety. That sounds like avoidant personality disorder. Some alters have different skills like how Lac' is an artist has the most hand eye coordination most of time.

Jef

Hi Jef,

Thanks for your reply. I've not even heard of avoidant personality disorder. But if I had that wouldn't it be constant? I'll have a look into it anyway.

It's quite odd actually. I don't really mind these things which are "wrong" with me - even depersonalisation and derealisation I don't really find too distressing in themselves (the worst for me is guilt because with derealisation I feel like the bond of love should be enough to at least make my sleeping kids feel real to me ). But I know with depersonalisation, although it's comfortable enough for me to withdraw into myself when experiencing that, there is a huge amount of anxiety when I am forced to socialise while it is going on.

Sometimes I think I spend most of my life in what I now know to be dissociated states. I seem to switch between personality states all the time. It's odd - I kind of thought this was normal. But now I know it to be caused by trauma's in my past, not something everyone else experiences. I can't really imagine life any other way. In a way that's a bit scary - but I know this is all dysfunctional because I struggle to cope with other ("real") people. It's all very well quite enjoying some of these others in me, but if they stop me from functioning in society I suppose going through with therapy is more functional than backing away from it.

I'm sorry, I'm rambling... but I'd love to hear others' experiences with all this. I actually had no idea there were labels for these oddities about me

The reason it's inconsistent is because an alter has it. Whenever that alter is out or is co-conscious you feel anxiety. Sometimes an alter's feelings and your feelings can mix together and you feel things you normally wouldn't.