Psychologists talking to others

I'm just wondering what everyone else's experience has been with this. Please keep in mind, I am very new to this.

Before my last session I realised that one of mine in particular (we had a bit of a fight actually and were pretty mad at each other - ended up doing a drawing to take in to therapy) didn't feel safe to talk to my T. So I said I'd ask if it was safe for them not to speak if they didn't want to. The next session (my last one) my T started talking to them as a collective. It completely freaked me out. For a couple of reasons I guess - I felt ridiculous for one. Another, I am scared of losing control - what would they tell her about my past? I know that is the reason I am there, but it's nice to know I control the speed at which I disclose. For another, lets face it, once they start speaking to someone else in open conversation like that (they have spoken to her in the past, but she didn't know that until recently) there is no denying this is real any longer! Which of course is a nice fantasy for me to discuss with them...

It was odd for me to discover that I'm so reluctant about this, not just them. It's as if we are all terrified of each other's betrayal or something.

Can I ask how others have got past this? What was it like the first time you really "allowed" a conversation in this way? (I guess this might differ for people who aren't what seems to be called "co-conscious", which I mostly seem to be). Last week at one point I did start slipping into one - I actually felt really dizzy and it was hard to speak. My T called me back and wanted to know who she was speaking to - after considerable effort (and I don't know how much time) I was able to say my real name. I spent the rest of the session struggling to focus on her or anything else in her office.

I'm really interested to hear how this has gone for others, if you don't mind me asking.

Thanks

pacific wrote:The next session (my last one) my T started talking to them as a collective. It completely freaked me out.

I have been having that feeling quite a bit. My T talks to them sometimes, even when I'm the only one out. I think it's freaky because we have all been in hiding and trying to appear normal for so long, that it feels scary when someone is "outing" you. That sense of security is ripped out from under you and suddenly you realize there are no take-backs. And then when she tells me someone new came out, that is really disconcerting because I realize how little control I have and that reminds me of my past.

I mentioned this to my T, and she said that maybe she was going too fast and we would slow down. (She knows that, being goal-oriented, I am always pushing to get this over with as fast as possible; But sometimes it overwhelms me, though she can't know that unless I tell her) I have read that the majority of the treatment for DID is going through the stability/safety step over and over and over. (and over )

pacific wrote:For a couple of reasons I guess - I felt ridiculous for one.

My T gets upset when I tell her that I don't like idget to come out (idget's 5) because I'm sure she looks stupid. Her inside body and mind are 5, but when she uses my body, it probably looks retarded. But I also know that idget has a lot more information than I have and could help A LOT, so I have to tolerate it if I want to move forward. However, having my T say it doesn't look stupid (whether that's true or not ) really helps me to kind of accept that it's just going to happen. The trick is not to force it.

pacific wrote:my T started talking to them

Just because she talks to them, doesn't mean they have to talk back.

I'm just speaking for myself here in the hope that it helps someone.

A T or anyone else shouldn't talk to them without their, and your, permission. The thought of that even upsets me. I would have freaked too.

In the past I have taken a pad and a pen and sat down to just write, giving them all permission to say what they wanted. I let my T see that occasionally.

It's like they have spent so long protecting each other - and the original - that it is a whole different story for them to open up to anyone outside of themselves. It isn't something to be forced ever.

"Can I ask how others have got past this? What was it like the first time you really "allowed" a conversation in this way?"

I never did allow this. But, like I said above, I allowed them to write down their thoughts, and I shared what was agreed upon with the T that way.

Thank you so much for your answers, I was feeling like a bit of a freak for feeling so disconcerted about her talking to them. I think she expects it though

You know, in a way this whole thing seems like a huge fuss over what seems to me like "normal" (I don't want to say "nothing"), in fact, although I've always been embarrassed and hidden things like talking to them in front of anyone (talking to oneself isn't exactly considered normal is it) I really can't imagine any other way.

But yet, even though I live like that, seeing all this information and the fuss which is made... sometimes over the last few weeks I've felt "is this real?". Especially when I am on my own(in my head I mean), or the others aren't active - then I sort of think... maybe it was all in my head an hour ago or whenever...

It's confusing. And if I'm confused, how much more confusing must it be for a T who has never experienced this herself? What if my confused attitude confuses her further (is this or isn't it happening) and I don't get the help I need?

I am not all that keen on the type of "integration" where you end up alone. I do like the idea of a system which works well together. I can't imagine standing on the beach without The Photographer. Or driving anywhere without the one who has always looked after me to talk to. The idea of such a quiet head... it seems lonely.

Does this mean I'm going to hamper my own healing? I'm sorry - it's a lot of questions, perhaps they deserve their own thread...

pacific,

I find personally that we have enough to deal with without pushy Ts. The thing to remember is that they work for you to a certain extent. If it wasn't for us they would be out of a job. You are perfectly within your right to agree or not agree with the T's suggestions. Try to stay on the polite side of this though so as not to piss them off.

We are not wrong just different - dare to be different. And if left alone with a few books on the subject, most of us would manage just fine.

What's "normal"? There are all kinds of crazies out there who are not thought to have a mental illness. I've lived with this a long time and it is quite simply a part of who I am now.

You don't have to make any of them 'visible' and you can talk to them in your head. They say addicts are good liars. Right? Well we are good at covering up for alters. It can be your secret, if that's how you want it - or not - the choice is yours. I have family and friends and only two people know about my 'stuff'. The rest just think I’m prone to some serious bouts of depression.

We all have what's called internal dialogue, we have conversations with ourselves; thoughts run around in our head as we decide what to have for dinner or make plans for the weekend. Alters are a bit different and some times a little more difficult to describe but it's more like a real conversation with another person and not with ourselves. But it is still in our head. But some of the effects can be seen in the 'real' world; like in our moods, the clothes we wear, the food we like, the people we like. If we are dealing with alters, all these things keep changing. Sometimes we are aware of it and sometimes we are not. If you're worried about other people noticing, you can always cover up with excuses.

It's important to find a T who has some experience in DID. Or you could just learn about it together. Avoid letting the T's reaction get to you. Just keep reminding yourself that the T is leaning too.

Working through DID may take years. If you want that kind of help then you need to be prepared for the long haul. In my book there is really no need for the T to get to know the alters. You may not agree and that's fine. But I found it simpler if I were the one who goes to therapy and work to make some sense of what is happening and why it's happening. Going over things with alters later helped. I will say though, if an alter feels strongly about talking to T, I think I would try to fix for this to happen. All said and done the real important thing is to keep your 'family' or 'collective' or 'system' comfortable, satisfied and feeling safe.

I've read a lot on this and I've yet to come across anyone who wanted integration. I think we work well together now but it hasn't always been like this. In the beginning they drove me half mad, my 'real world family too. As things settled down more and more over the years they came to resemble a bunch of warring siblings; a lot of shouting and screaming but no real damage or hurtfulness.

As for being alone. I did it once. I haven't really told anyone about this. But once, when I thought I was really cracking up, I ordered them to go away and leave me alone. They did or at least they seemed to be gone. I had never felt so alone in my whole life. The quietness was deafening. I just sat there rocking back and forth with the tears running down my face and thinking, Oh God! What have I done! I seriously felt like an empty eggshell. Then I found myself apologising and asking them to come back. I really thought I was going mad. Things went back the way they were. But after that, I found I had a lot more control than I thought I had. And from that day on things got much, much easier to deal with.

I suppose you could "hamper" your own healing. But I think it depends on how much information you arm yourself with. Getting out of our own way sometimes might move things along but the more you learn about yourself and the disorder the better.

Don't worry about the questions. It is a support forum after all. And what we write for each other is also helping others on here gain more information too.

Thank you so much for all the information. I am both dreading and looking forward to Wednesday when I will both be giving and (hopefully) receiving some more information.

My T did say something about me having a choice about how to proceed. Unfortunately I was battling to hold together during the session and I can't remember exactly what she said. Hopefully she will go over that bit again sometime. She does seem to be experienced with this and seems very confident which has been very helpful. I am very grateful to have found myself with such a T. I wouldn't mind appointments more frequently than 2 month (when my husband's travel allows for that), but as she's semi-retired I guess I should be grateful she's still seeing clients at all!

Thanks again. So much to learn... I really feel so crazy. If I go in one day and she says I'm crazy or dis-counts something I've said I doubt if I'd ever get up the courage to try another therapist... I've had bad experiences with them before. Yes, I am grateful to have found her

A good therapist would never say anything like that. And if one did then it would just prove that they don’t know what they are doing and you would be better off with a different one - a more professional one. It was a few years before I found one I trusted enough to open up to. Thankfully we are all different and we will find what works for us sooner or later.

How does your husband deal with it? Mine was a soldier and away a lot, so it was quite some time into the marriage before he began to notice anything. And anything he noticed before that, he put down to my upbringing and thought I was dealing with depression due to childhood fallout.

I have a question along these lines as well. Do you guys not feel a bit violated when you are told that your therapist has talked to this "alter" or that one? When I was told that I felt as though I had been punched in the gut or seen my picture on a milk carton. It was like this person was reaching into places that I didn't know existed. Don't think I like that just yet.

Alia wrote:I have a question along these lines as well. Do you guys not feel a bit violated when you are told that your therapist has talked to this "alter" or that one? When I was told that I felt as though I had been punched in the gut or seen my picture on a milk carton. It was like this person was reaching into places that I didn't know existed. Don't think I like that just yet.

I used to feel that way, but now I feel relieved. They tend to come out to tell her things I can't say out loud, or if I'm in crisis then they come out to explain what she said/did to cause that reaction in me. I can't voice those things to her, it's too scary. There was one instance in which Pagan (who is generally very shy but had, apparently, had enough ) came out against my knowledge and said some things I would have preferred wait until later. However, she also told our T how this therapy thing is gonna work, so... It was helpful, though a bit of a shock because I usually know when someone else is coming out but I had no idea this was about to happen. (Get the quiet, shy ones pissed off and BOY can they TALK! )


-Mikaela

TwilightInsight wrote:However, she also told our T how this therapy thing is gonna work, so...

I would like to have seen that