Intro

Hi all. I'm new here so I thought I'd share a bit about my situation. I'm not entirely sure how to start so I'll just dive right in. (Sorry its so long, I just want to be thorough.)

My name is Lauren. I'm a twenty year old female.
Up until recently I was completely opposed to getting psychiatric help, however in January things became unbearable and finally caved and started regularly seeing someone. Prior to that I had sporadically attended psychotherapy, but we were far too uncomfortable with the psychologist and the entire experience ended up being more toxic than beneficial, so I stopped going.

Anywho I was initially diagnosed with dysthymic disorder and insomnia, which my psychiatrist thought was more a symptom of my anxiety than itself a primary diagnosis. Down along the line however I was additionally diagnosed with adult ADHD and the insomnia was found to be primary. (I had a sleep study done and they found I slept a total of 72 minutes over the course of about nine hours. And none of it was REM. How fun right? XD) I've also recently started seeing a psychologist again (who coincidentally is my psychiatrist's wife).

I have not been completely open with either of my psychs; I believe I have DID. To be clear, I have only disclosed certain things, but the things I have shared with them have been the truth. I think I just haven't warmed up to them enough to put myself entirely out there for them to see. I totally respect and value them, and I have told them things I've only told like one other person, but I just can't seem to cross that line.

I'll describe "the line-up." I'm going to use nicknames for some because they're skeptical about this. XD
Lauren - the host. 20 year old bisexual female. She has a difficult time establishing a definitive sense of self.
Lou - a more recent addition, he joined us around April 2009. Gay male, roughly 22 years old. He prefers an altered state of mind, mostly alcohol, though he frequently expresses a desire to move on to other drugs. He isn't particularly interested in our weekday routines and mostly sleeps through them. We're generous in giving him time on the weekends to come out though.
Bee - age and gender pretty much the same as Lauren, except she's asexual. She's completely task oriented and shows quite a few obsessive compulsive tendencies. She is very prideful of her work. She's fairly social, though not as much so as everyone else. She's very understanding and cooperative about our employment situation (especially given that we work at a psychiatry office ) and is willing to go along with the rouse of being "Lauren." There's a certain tension between her and Lou.
Sophie - extremely isolating. She never comes out in the presence of other people. She is the ruminate-r of the bunch and talks us in circles based around irrational thinking and having no self worth. Usually she takes over slowly, but once she gets going its nearly impossible to calm her down. She's in a continual state of fearing impending doom and abandonment.
Sly - 17 year old male. He's shy, but very insightful. He's interested in discovery. Although he's social, he can also definitely be a loner (but in more of a bruting, teen heartthrob way haha). He seemed to be growing at the same rate as Lauren since age 10, but has been stuck at 17 for the past few years. He's extremely creative and likes writing poetry with Lauren. In the past he has allowed co-consciousness while he was out, but lately he's been taking more time to himself.
Knight - Knight's age and gender are completely ambiguous, but also negligible. Our protector; stoic and strong. The one that comes out in extremely anxious situations and cleans up the mess; the key to our past. Though quiet most of the time Knight is always completely aware of our surroundings. Knight has been trying to make Lauren stronger and more aware and has been slowly leaking memories for her to see.
Lewis - the voice of reason. He is pretty much always co-conscious with Lauren and has almost no interest in coming out. It would be fitting to call him our Conscience. He is entirely logical. He is the voice in Lauren's head.

There are more, but they're either now dormant or still hiding. Thanks for reading (:

Welcome, Lauren (and everyone else)!

vulpe wrote:I had a sleep study done and they found I slept a total of 72 minutes over the course of about nine hours. And none of it was REM. How fun right? XD

Wow How do you function on that?

vulpe wrote:I believe I have DID.

Certainly sounds like it


I hope you all like it here!

Yeah the sleep part is the killer. Lauren is physically unable to fall asleep. She can be tired blah blah blah, but she won't friggin go down.
Sly usually comes in and Lauren thinks Sly is too good. And they day dream together and talk until whenever the ambien starts to mellow her out and then the two of them float away into the dreams they share.


THEN SUDDENLY

Itty bitty Lou and eensy weensy Dexter are all alone to come and go or play and stay.

(Guess why Lauren always wakes up so tired... )

Well, that's frustrating

vulpe wrote:Itty bitty Lou and eensy weensy Dexter are all alone to come and go or play and stay.

Oh, great Can you explain to them that the body needs rest? Maybe find another time for them to come out?

vulpe,

You sound like I did at twenty. I was scared to tell anyone what was going on in case they thought I was mad. I struggled with it for sometime before I finally went for some help. I have had help but, if I'm to be honest, I did most of the work myself. Thankfully I loved reading so that helped too. I did my own research.

It's important to find a professional who has some understanding of DID. So many don't. I had many diagnoses before DID was finally hit on. It's very difficult to let psych docs in on something we have been struggling with in secret for years for the most part. It can take some of us years to fully open up to these people.

Give it another go and don’t expect to much. Avoid worrying about them not believing you. I had all those worries too. Then I asked for a copy of my notes and was so surprised to discover that I had been taken seriously. All that other stuff was just in my head. Once I trusted them - and myself - I was able to open up more.

Hi! Welcome!

vulpe wrote:I've also recently started seeing a psychologist again (who coincidentally is my psychiatrist's wife)...I have not been completely open with either of my psychs; I believe I have DID. To be clear, I have only disclosed certain things, but the things I have shared with them have been the truth. I think I just haven't warmed up to them enough to put myself entirely out there for them to see. I totally respect and value them, and I have told them things I've only told like one other person, but I just can't seem to cross that line.

It sounds to me like you are wondering whether it is safe to disclose more which you know you need to do but don't know how to do. Perhaps you can take your first post to your therapist (or another letter) and that might help you to express what you really want to. Canolime gave me that advice when I first came here for a problem, and it worked out very well. I could just read (no eye contact *teehee*) and know that I had already expressed it as best I could so less anxiety. I still do that occasionally.