rawr (mayb trigger)

ok so
normally i'm not a violent person
but lately i've found myself just choking down every bit of anger that comes up
this is definately not good
repressing it has been my way of dealing with emotions
i'm scared of letting out the maelstrom
ive always done this; running is easier than facing them
i want to break glass, i want to rage and rage and scream and yell
i want to throw my coffee table through my tv
i want to break holes in the drywall
i want to claw at everything
i want to bite and hit and hurt everything
i DONT want to let it out, but I NEED TO
its eating me up
the hatred has turned inwards
i hate everything inside of myself, instead of what made me this way
when i think of my abusers i dont feel anger anymore
i dont feel empowered
i feel scared
i want to curl up and waste away
i wish they had finished the job, instead of leaving me this way
curled up
in filth
eyes full of dirt
a mouthful of ash and blood
sand in my ears and knives on my skin
i dont want to feel this way

A used to feel like this all the time
and it drove us all nuts!!!
It is not your fault it is good to get the anger out
But you have to do it in a good way
It takes a while to get rid of the angry feelings
Maybe find out who holds the anger
And they can help you release it in a good way
The anger protects you from the desolate sadness
It is an immediate defense
Once the anger comes down
The tears will come
And they heal so much
Wish I could help more

"F"

Nothing wrong with venting out. Venting out is how you keep yourself from really exploding. Bottling it up day in and day out is dangerous. Play a violent video game. That usually helps me calm down. Or buy some cheap Dollar Store crap that you can smash to pieces and clean up easy. Or if you really have to blow off some steam, invest in a punching bag and wail on it 'till your arms can't lift up anymore. Make sure you wear proper gloves or at least wrap your knuckles so you don't seriously hurt yourself.

I've been feeling like this too... It's awful. You are not alone.

It was good for me to read some of the comments from "F" and Mr Bates... Thank you.

Thanks guys I just needed to let everything out.

I guess I've come to realize (from my experience) that when the pain gets worse, I'm getting closer to something that I've been running from. I tend to run from most of my problems. I realize that I actually do have a really strong fight/flight response that affects me in every way. I either run or I get aggressive (maybe too aggressive, not violent though...).
:
When something gets too close to an open wound, you can't help but flinch. My problem is that I have trouble following the pain through to the end. I often just run away.

If I can cope, If I can follow this through to the light at the end of the tunnel, it'll come to a head, in one way or another. But that means that I will have to stop running. I can't trust myself. I need to stop running from EVERYTHING. Its either one or the other.