New With Questions

Hello all,

This board has intrigued me to post.

I have not been dx'd with DID. I have been diagnosed with depression and social anxiety in my twenties. Depression is under control and social anxiety is mostly under control, although I prefer to avoid some social situations where I would feel judged.

I am close to 50 and spend way too much time "thinking" and dwelling on prior mistakes and self-loathing. The self-loathing has been around a long time.

I have learned to disassociate for sake of protection with intimacy. I am in a relationship now with a very loving, caring man. We have been involved for 6 years. He is married, but separated. Supposedly, he is finally going to file next month. I have walked away and come back to this relationship many times. This is part of the problem. The shame has taken its toll on me. I love, but I feel guilty about it. At time, with him, I drift off. He asks me what I am thinking. I feel out of it almost like I am looking in on me. Detached. He can tell when I start to change. He knows me very well. I have never thought of this as DID. I think of it as just "thinking too much". I get distracted easily and have to tell myself to stay here in the moment. Sometimes when he tells me he loves me, I am thinking really mean things. Things I wouldn't say to him and don't want him to know, but feel them. Like "Really? Doubt that he wants me around for sex and that is all. I know that is not true, by the way he treats me, but I can't stop thinking these things. How do you know when it is an alter? or just your thoughts? What is the difference?

I grew up hating myself and am not sure why and when it started. I care too much what other people think and am continually trying to please everyone, but then I get resentful. I just want to be me, but I don't know who I am. I feel immature for my age and don't fit in with most people my age. Any bit of criticism would send me into a downward spiral. I couldn't look in mirrors when I was in my twenties, because I felt too ugly. I was very thin, but couldn't gain weight, because it felt like too much pressure. Instead of enjoying the food, I thought of it as something I had to do and couldn't. Now, I love food and enjoy it, though.

At different times, I do feel like another person. When I write an angry letter to my boyfriend, I feel like I want to punish him and be mean because it feels good, even though I love him. I just want him to hurt like I hurt. Most people would describe me as a nice person.

Since I sometimes drift off in thought, is this part of the loss of memory? Sometimes my kids will say "why did you just say that" and I won't know what I said or why? It will be a short sentence. I tend to quit talking in mid sentence some times. Then, remember and complete it. I also have some jerky movements that I notice, but no one else does.

Any input? What is this?

Wondering1 wrote:I feel out of it almost like I am looking in on me.

This sounds like depersonalization which is both a feature of DID and/or a dissociative disorder of its own.

Wondering1 wrote:At different times, I do feel like another person. When I write an angry letter to my boyfriend, I feel like I want to punish him and be mean because it feels good, even though I love him. I just want him to hurt like I hurt. Most people would describe me as a nice person.

A nice person can still think these thoughts, doesn't necessarily have to be an alter. I think you are shaming yourself and be-rating yourself and that makes me sad. But for DID? there is just not enough info for us to tell. I hope you get some good feedback here because it sounds like you need a lift in spirits and self-esteem!

DeAnna & Therapist

Rereading my post, I feel uncomfortable that I even wrote it.

Yes, I do have problems with negativity, but they are ebb and flow. Sometimes, I am fine and other times I am not. Right now, I am feeling fine again. It seems like things build up, I have a meltdown in emotions and then I am ok again for awhile.

I worry so much about everything. It drives me crazy. I hate it.

I don't know if I have DID, but I do know I detach myself in different situations to get through a tough time.

Wondering1 wrote:Rereading my post, I feel uncomfortable that I even wrote it.

Yes, I do have problems with negativity, but they are ebb and flow. Sometimes, I am fine and other times I am not. Right now, I am feeling fine again. It seems like things build up, I have a meltdown in emotions and then I am ok again for awhile.

I worry so much about everything. It drives me crazy. I hate it.

I don't know if I have DID, but I do know I detach myself in different situations to get through a tough time.

It's OK, you're confused and looking for answers right?

I personally think that sounds more like depersonalization. We get that sometimes (on top of 'others', it's frustrating), and it usually seems that grounding seems to help the most.

Some people are held down to earth by different things, usually comfort objects or something that forces you to 'snap' into reality like simulating senses (DISCLAIMER: SI IS NOT A REASONABLE OPTION).

What do you need by Grounding?

watching&waiting wrote:

Wondering1 wrote:Rereading my post, I feel uncomfortable that I even wrote it.

Yes, I do have problems with negativity, but they are ebb and flow. Sometimes, I am fine and other times I am not. Right now, I am feeling fine again. It seems like things build up, I have a meltdown in emotions and then I am ok again for awhile.

I worry so much about everything. It drives me crazy. I hate it.

I don't know if I have DID, but I do know I detach myself in different situations to get through a tough time.

It's OK, you're confused and looking for answers right?

I personally think that sounds more like depersonalization. We get that sometimes (on top of 'others', it's frustrating), and it usually seems that grounding seems to help the most.

Some people are held down to earth by different things, usually comfort objects or something that forces you to 'snap' into reality like simulating senses (DISCLAIMER: SI IS NOT A REASONABLE OPTION).

Yeah ditto. We thought it sounded like Depersonalisation too. Doesn't really sound like DID in our opinion (which is just that, an opinion, not a diagnosis )A few of us get it quite bad & it's a pain in the backside to put it nicely.

Things that ground the children are comfort toys e.g. Mara's partner bought us a huge soft dog teddy. It is really comforting & gives them something familiar & safe to hold on to.

watching&waiting wrote:

Wondering1 wrote:Rereading my post, I feel uncomfortable that I even wrote it.

Yes, I do have problems with negativity, but they are ebb and flow. Sometimes, I am fine and other times I am not. Right now, I am feeling fine again. It seems like things build up, I have a meltdown in emotions and then I am ok again for awhile.

I worry so much about everything. It drives me crazy. I hate it.

I don't know if I have DID, but I do know I detach myself in different situations to get through a tough time.

It's OK, you're confused and looking for answers right?

I personally think that sounds more like depersonalization. We get that sometimes (on top of 'others', it's frustrating), and it usually seems that grounding seems to help the most.

Some people are held down to earth by different things, usually comfort objects or something that forces you to 'snap' into reality like simulating senses (DISCLAIMER: SI IS NOT A REASONABLE OPTION).

Yeah ditto. We thought it sounded like Depersonalisation too. Doesn't really sound like DID in our opinion (which is just that, an opinion, not a diagnosis )A few of us get it quite bad & it's a pain in the backside to put it nicely.

Things that ground the children are comfort toys e.g. Mara's partner bought us a huge soft dog teddy. It is really comforting & gives them something familiar & safe to hold on to. Music also seems to keep a few of us grounded