Feeling it... *triggering*

Yesterday was really hard for me, I am just happy that I had Scott by my side through the flash backs and all of that. I'm feeling a little bit out of my element and I don't know why. I am waiting for my body to say, okay its over, get over it, but its really hard and I don't know when that is going to be. I'm trying to get out of it because I want to be there for Scott, I don't want to be pushed back into my memories so that all I can think about is the abuse I went through as a child and young adult. Now that I am over 18 I just want to try and forget that that even happened to me. I don't even want to think about what night is going to bring to me. Night terrors are the least of my worries, mostly becuase I don't care if I hurt myself, that is exactly how I feel. I want to cut so bad, and I used to and just use to watch the blood rush out of my arm and then watch it go down the drain. Not that I am feeling suicidal, just that I am feeling like I'm not real. I want to see a scar, I want to see something on me that proves that I am real, I want to see it. I know that Scott wont allow me to do that, he never ever wants me to hurt myself again. Honestly I don't know what to do.

Feeling unreal... if you snap a rubber band really hard (against your wrist/arm), it'll leave a very noticeable red mark (and swells a little). Or you could really focus on your heartbeat or breathing (watching your chest rise). Or do something shocking, like eating something spicy, making noise (throw something, slap a table, etc.), or squeezing ice? Think any will work, a little?

take some old bottles and go outside where you won't hurt anybody, maybe a lot or an alley, and smash them on the concrete! I felt this before. There is energy inside you that wants to get out.

Play some Dance Dance Revolution. No seriously, play some hard songs on that game. If your heart feels like it's gonna explode and your legs are screaming at you, yeah you're real.

When I'm feeling unreal, splashing cold water on my face usually helps.

I've just gone to sleep in the past. That isn't the healthiest reaction.
Writing helps.

Thanks to all of you who responded, I know what I did to make this go away wasn't the healthiest, but I did end up cutting that night. I feel a lot better and the only person who knows about it is my husband. He wasn't to happy that I did it, but I had to feel something, I was going insane. Luckily I didn't destroy my whole arm.

I'm glad you feel better I know sometimes it doesn't feel possible to not cut.

LF2010 wrote:Luckily I didn't destroy my whole arm.

Good