Forgive me if this is very long, I do appreciate all answers. I have only begun to search around and read about this and that and the more I read about dissociation and disorders and what not that have dissociation as a symptom, they seem to fit me. I took an online test and I scored 51.4, which 30 being considered high. Forgive me if this is the wrong forum. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist next week and I am making a list of things I want to mention, hence asking for an opinion here lol.I am 18, I was diagnosed with clinical depression in 3rd or 4th grade. I do believe the cause is child abuse, my mother is schizophrenic, refuses to medicate and has been in 3 mental hospitals, twice long term. She sometimes only hit me when I acted out, other times it was for no reason. She never hit my brother, though I can remember always being beat by her. I started self mutilating when I was 14, I do not do it anymore though luckily. I didn't start feeling like I was depressed until at least 15 or 16, I developed social anxiety/phobia when I was 14 due to being put into homeschooling. I never leave my house, except at night and in clothing that covers all parts of my body. I specifically hate people staring at my shoes for some reason. Since a few years ago, about 2-3, I feel really confused a lot. I would not recognize myself if I ever seen myself on the street, sometimes I am confused when I see myself in a reflection of a store window and I constantly believe I look like this person or that person, though they look completely different. My friends also notice that I compare a lot of people to eachother, though they look nothing alike. Sometimes I stare off and don't realize how much time has gone by, it felt like 2-3 minutes but it was actually 45 minutes or even an hour. There have been a few times where I lay in bed trying to fall asleep and in what seems like a half hour, the sun has begun to come up and I have been laying there for 3 hours, staring at the ceiling the whole time. There are times when I feel like I am inside my brain looking out through my eyes, not actually inside my body, if that makes since. There have been a couple instances where I can't even remember what my friends and I were talking about, though still in the conversation. it is like my memory is just wiped. There have been 2 incidences where I am standing in my house somewhere and for 2-3 seconds I completely forget where I am, why I am there. At least twice every other day, when I am talking to friends online, I forget who I am talking to (though they all have different fonts and photos of course) and call them by the wrong name, I have even called them random names before. These are people who I talk to daily, and have known for years. I also have moments where I cannot decide if a memory I have is from a dream, something on TV or my own. There was once a time where my friend told me about her mother slipping on ice while she was pregnant, and a few days later I told this to another friend, believing it was a memory of mine. I can really go on here, but you see what I am saying. My friends believe I just have a bad memory but I cannot remember it being like this for my entire life. My friends and I joke that I will most likely have Alzheimer's by the time I am 30. If it helps, I also have mood changes. I think it may be related to the depression though. I just become angry/sad or really excited out of the blue for no reason, and it last a couple hours to about 2 days. I believe I can do anything when this happens as well, I usually end up taking on a lot of projects or make a large to do list but nothing is ever finished. Ever since I was little, I have always gotten random spurts of energy, and done nothing more than wanting to clean the house at 2-3am lol.
Does this seem like it could be disassociation or depersonalization? Should I mention this to the psychiatrist, or is it most likely just a bad memory? Like I said, this has not been my entire life, it's just been recently and it's getting really annoying lol. Again thank you for all answers
With the underlined part, does it just feel really weird/dream-like/movie-like, as you move? Are you still in control of your body movements? When you can't remember what the conversation was about, did you just forget what was being said, or was it more like being dropped into a conversation that you were supposedly having?
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