Advice... am I DID truly?

Wow, there's some really cool stuff/thoughts here that I have come upon myself and then dismissed with the assumption that I was making more of it than I should.

The name thing and the image in the mirror - I think about those CONSTANTLY, though I've never mentioned it to anyone before, not even to my wife. Well ok, we did consider changing my name legally a few years back, but I could never make up my mind what to change it to.

jacksenigma wrote:Wow, there's some really cool stuff/thoughts here that I have come upon myself and then dismissed with the assumption that I was making more of it than I should.

Isn't it great when someone else talks about something, and you think "Oh! I know that!"... and you find out you're not quite as strange as you thought?

All my life I have had the most bizarre and detailed dreams. My cousin once got mad when i was telling her one because " Nobody dreams that much" They would have been really disturbing sometimes except that i almost always felt like i was an observer even of myself so the emotional aspect of the dreams was diluted. The dreams were emotional, I know, but they were me/not me ya' know? The disturbing part for me was that I always felt like I never really got any sleep. I would wake up feeling like i had just run a marathon! I was just so active all night. I hated it. I was always tired. The docs would say i was tired because i was depressed. I couldnt get through to them that i was depressed because i was TIRED not vice versa. My life was very curtailed by the fatigue i always felt.

So anyway finally at age 29 one doc said maybe i had a mild case of narcolepsy and prescribed Provigil. It was like a miracle! I was on it for about a year and then didnt have any insurance. When i went off of it i was AMAZED!!! my sleep probs were like 85% reduced! I always felt that Provigil re-wired my dream part of the brain somehow. Butof course the docs that know me now are not the ones who knew me then. Oh well. Forget them. I sleep somewhat better now though its anything but normal, its still better than it used to be.

canolime wrote:Isn't it great when someone else talks about something, and you think "Oh! I know that!"... and you find out you're not quite as strange as you thought?

That is how I feel EXACTLY. As u can see from all my rambling posts lol

Hydes,

I'd strongly discourage anyone on these forums from messing with psychedelics. I got caught in that whole trap a while ago.
I had many great experiences with mushrooms... up to a point. But LSD was... intense. It was amazing in many ways, but it opened up a whole part of my mind that I wasn't ready to deal with yet. Our minds lock things up for a reason, and release them when we're ready for them.
After acid (not even that long after, probably a couple hours after the peak)... I felt off. Just wierd. Not like my usual happy-go-lucky self. I knew that I had done it too soon (I was 19). I knew that if i had waited a couple of years, it would have been far better, and I would've been able to deal with things far better as well.
And about four months after that trip, I started remembering things. Bad things.
Psychedelics aren't necessarily bad things. They're extremely powerful... especially LSD (active in MICROGRAMS). Just be careful... psychedelics don't cause mental problems, but they tend to bring things out from beneath the surface.

Oh, and as far as DMT, there's no conclusive link to dreaming, YET. But there are correlations (pineal gland, the fact that the brain is very familiar with the chemical structure, ect). But its still unresearched, and after having heard a few friends recount some stories about psychedelics still in the research stage (eg. many people develop HPPD who have taken the research chemical 2c-i), I'll stay away from that stuff until more studies have been done.

InfinitD wrote:

canolime wrote:Isn't it great when someone else talks about something, and you think "Oh! I know that!"... and you find out you're not quite as strange as you thought?

That is how I feel EXACTLY. As u can see from all my rambling posts lol

Oh, okay Yeah, I kind of know that part about the thoughts. Are those jerks and stuff from alters? I always felt like they were, because of the timing, but I thought I was making too much of things I wonder...
Wow (to the Y and N part) No, I don't think it's pointless. J lies to me, sometimes, but I still get a lot of good information from her. Just kind of stay open to options, I guess. Take what they say and mentally file it under "maybe"
Have you tried writing to them? Do you think that would work? If they can use the pen... might be worth a shot. There could be someone who's mad at you

I don't know if they're from alters or not, but I do know that they are spontaneous and don't have any other explanation. I know that when I'm thinking about something I don't want to think of/felt compelled or afraid to think of, I get something, somewhere.

Yeah... I guess I can always think of "maybe". But the thing is, that I am still used to feeling like I have privacy. So I reveal a lot of personal fears and hopes in my own head, as we all do. This has lead to being taken advantage of I'm only now still learning about what might be going on with me, but I feel at odds and in conflict with myself very much... do you know what I mean, just not feeling at peace? Has your relationship with your alters evolved over time? Has it gone from good to bad, or bad to good?

I hear J and C talking back and forth, sometimes. And I hear a constant hum (what you described as white noise) of chatter, that makes it hard to concentrate. Sometimes the chatter is less, sometimes it's more.

Wow! Thats amazing. What do they talk about? Do they know when you're listening?

The voices make sense, yes. Do yours not make sense? If they don't, is it that they're speaking in a non logical way, or speaking gibberish, or another language, or what?

Well, it's just that I can't hear it... it's like someones left the phone off the hook and I'm sitting a few meters away from it.

The background noise didn't really bother me, when I was little, but when I was 16, I had a horrible amount of stress, and the noise got so loud that I couldn't focus on anything. It's still really loud, but like I said: it goes up and down. As for the clear voices, I'm not even sure when those started (sometime, when I was a kid). But I know I became really aware of them, when I was 18, and having detailed arguments with them

Oh no Arguments... that's just great. Isn't it a luxury that everyone takes for granted, having a private space to argue one-way, in their own heads, at the end of day? But interesting that when youre stressed, it can affect it. I do note also that my stress levels/emotional temperature has an effect. Of course, this will affect me chemically. I wonder if these alters are just some kind of sophisticated chemistry lab equation... But then again, they must be made up of ourselves, our own subconscious stuff. Or rather, our unconscious stuff, which by definition, we can't talk or know about because it's UNconscious. So maybe these arguments are bringing stuff to light that would be in our best interests to iron out. What did you argue about?

I'd strongly discourage anyone on these forums from messing with psychedelics. I got caught in that whole trap a while ago.
I had many great experiences with mushrooms... up to a point. But LSD was... intense. It was amazing in many ways, but it opened up a whole part of my mind that I wasn't ready to deal with yet. Our minds lock things up for a reason, and release them when we're ready for them.

I'll second this. Especially if you have or think you have something like DID. It's as of yet unconfirmed and will never be, but I idiotically did DMT twice within 4 or 5 weeks. Both times, I experienced taking a back seat while my body was controlled, or at least thats how I perceived it. I heard my voice being used to say things, yell things, etc, that I didn't consciously will, and they purported quite a lot about me and themselves.

It's my belief that if you're tripping and have a system of alters, they should also be subject to the trip. If they experience daily life activities differently from one another, it would make sense that they also experience drugs differently from one another too. The after effects then of course, present more potential for complications that are trickier to predict... be very careful.

Collingwood wrote:It's my belief that if you're tripping and have a system of alters, they should also be subject to the trip. If they experience daily life activities differently from one another, it would make sense that they also experience drugs differently from one another too. The after effects then of course, present more potential for complications that are trickier to predict... be very careful.

That's a good way of putting it.

I've always had this fascination with DMT because of its history in native cultures (ayahuasacha sp?), but I've never tried it because I didn't think I was ready for it. If I ever do try it, it'll be in many many years when im in a much more stable point in my life.

It's a good question, I wish I could have a better answer but it is just a very strong gut feeling. I have not always been there, but I'm fine with that actually, for me it doesn't mean that i have no legitimacy. I have to make an effort to emphasize with any memory I have from before about 2 years ago. I have completely continuous memories of the present year and of last year too, but the 6 years or so before that, especially when I was really suicidal, are blurry. But the memories are available if I look for them, at least from the past, say, 12 years. It's like I have to take responsibility for things I haven't done, but I do it gladly because I can take it now and it makes my friends and family feel better. I have many flaws, but I've worked hard to help them forget the trauma 'i' have caused. They feel like my name has got better and that they can mostly trust us, that's why it is in my interest to stick with the birth-name.

Thanks for trying to explain your situation... being along the dissociative spectrum seems very individual. Do you have intentions to resolve or consolidate your situation, such as through therapy or hypnosis? Do you sense any peace within yourself, and if not, do you have a peaceful goal for yourself in mind, such as a vision or aspirations for the future?

For example, it seems like within systems that have gone undiagnosed or untreated/have poor communications/etc conflict, the individual has trouble getting on in life because of differences in desires for the future. Do you experience any of that? (Anyone else who sees this question and wants to answer/feels like it, feel free! )

Wow, i am definitely going to investgate this DMT thing The 'bleeding into the wakeful life' sounds a lot like it, except that I was kinda trapped in it. These days are blurry too, I really wasn't in control of my thoughts. Every morning I was on the bus on my way to work and I had to say "shut up!", "go away!", "cut it out" out loud otherwise I would be thrown back into the dream, I HATE this feeling, I couldn't even see what was in front of me. And it was all the weirder that I don't live in an English-speaking country so I guess people were like "wtf is wrong with that one?". Thankfully it's gone now. I am easily attracted to drugs and such, and have been talking about trying LSD with my friend recently. I am terrified of what would come out, I don't want to scare him, but at the same time I am convinced that it would be easier to meet the others, if they are still there, with LSD. I've tried to write down some of my dreams too, I'll definitely read yours tonight!

Wow about the bus anecdote. that sounds really difficult... I have a new appreciation for these kinds of difficulties, the more I get along in life and have to deal with more of these kinds of symptoms as they arise. Of course, I havent had this exact experience, but I have had similar, and I can sympathize. I can also relate to feeling the pull to mind-altering substances. It can seem really enticing if you just want a break from being "you". But be very careful about the drugs, especially psychotropic drugs. Since my experiences have been earth-shattering (I took an impulsive risk and I'm paying for it ), I'm taking a break. But the thing is, I heard some things from "alters" that night, such as "he's high ALL the time" - I thought that it might be true that for those of us with these kinds of difficulties (our conscious experience is quite markedly different from the norm!), our chemicals must be such that we may indeed be in a kind of 'ALTERed state' at all times... and ALTERing continuously, most likely! PUNS not intended, but they're amusing me right now, hah. Anyway, the point is that doing drugs is risky if you don't even really have a true understanding of where your baseline is, and you can be sure that your baseline will be different from your buddy's...

I think the safest route to streamlining communication is in a controlled environment, with a learned guide, such as with a hypnotherapist perhaps!

Why do you think they lied to you when they said they were 'someone else'? Do you have any memory of writing these letters? I've never tried automatic drawing, I've never been able to draw anything else than women or mermaids. I do think it is nice that they were willing to give you names, etc, even if you think they are not the actual names (may i ask why?). I use "birthname 1", "birthname 2", etc, to refer to others, no choice. Would you mind telling us why you wish you could forget the names?

Well, they told me they did, hahaha. I do have a kind of video memory, such as what most of my memories are like. But they are just flashes of images that don't really have a lot of connective tissue I could string anything intelligible together with. Especially if it requires relating conversations that went on during the time. I could sit and write out for hours sometimes, conversing with them, streams of their consciousness, responding to my reactions too. I have pages and pages - in fact sometimes I'd wear through the skin on my hand (embarrassing). We'd go back and forth, using the physically written words as an anchor.

For example, one female entity purported at first to be my mother and tried to defend her story as having some kind of real truth to it, telling me all kinds of fantastic, supernatural mysteries to explain her and the others' presence, instead of presenting as an alter, as if she would have less impact if we had met on those terms first. I was quite confused and upset because she was not the only one who took this approach, so I don't really know if it's just one, or two, or more who have tried to come off as "larger than life" to get a better welcome. One told me, "It was because you needed a mother figure" when I said, "She lied to me!" - but all I know is that I've been told conflicting story after conflicting story, and that the story changed constantly, especially as things soured between us and I started to close my ears to them since I was so upset all the time. It was like they started using the lies as a weapon against me, making it clear that telling the truth was as far from the agenda as it could possibly be. I can only hope now that through therapy and/or hypnosis, some of that can be sorted out. There's a lot of bad blood, probably.

My fault, really, that I've lead myself into this corner of believing too much make believe and now cannot disentangle the mess left in their wake since some barriers have gone up again. I retreated as much as possible into my imagination as a child, so I bet they learned those behaviors from me, the lying and concocting fictions to replace reality without any forethought as to their ongoing maintenance... that statement right there could surely sum my life up in a nutshell, that's for sure.

Collingwood wrote:I don't know if they're from alters or not, but I do know that they are spontaneous and don't have any other explanation. I know that when I'm thinking about something I don't want to think of/felt compelled or afraid to think of, I get something, somewhere.

Yeah... I guess I can always think of "maybe". But the thing is, that I am still used to feeling like I have privacy. So I reveal a lot of personal fears and hopes in my own head, as we all do. This has lead to being taken advantage of I'm only now still learning about what might be going on with me, but I feel at odds and in conflict with myself very much... do you know what I mean, just not feeling at peace? Has your relationship with your alters evolved over time? Has it gone from good to bad, or bad to good?

Yeah. It sounds like a good explanation...

One time I was talking with J (didn't know she was more than just my imagination) about being mad about something someone said. Long story short, she ended up using what I told her, to yell at the person But I understand why she does it... she's not trying to upset me, by doing it
Maybe that feeling is from not communicating well with your alters? If they were people in your real house, and you were all at odds, it wouldn't feel very peaceful, either.

It hasn't been very long, since I've accepted that they're real, but I would say it's gotten better.

Collingwood wrote:

I hear J and C talking back and forth, sometimes. And I hear a constant hum (what you described as white noise) of chatter, that makes it hard to concentrate. Sometimes the chatter is less, sometimes it's more.

Wow! Thats amazing. What do they talk about? Do they know when you're listening?

Usually, it's when they're arguing Nothing major, just over little stuff.

Collingwood wrote:

The voices make sense, yes. Do yours not make sense? If they don't, is it that they're speaking in a non logical way, or speaking gibberish, or another language, or what?

Well, it's just that I can't hear it... it's like someones left the phone off the hook and I'm sitting a few meters away from it.

Oh, they're probably talking in the background. Like an alter talking to a different alter.

Collingwood wrote:

The background noise didn't really bother me, when I was little, but when I was 16, I had a horrible amount of stress, and the noise got so loud that I couldn't focus on anything. It's still really loud, but like I said: it goes up and down. As for the clear voices, I'm not even sure when those started (sometime, when I was a kid). But I know I became really aware of them, when I was 18, and having detailed arguments with them

Oh no Arguments... that's just great. Isn't it a luxury that everyone takes for granted, having a private space to argue one-way, in their own heads, at the end of day? But interesting that when youre stressed, it can affect it. I do note also that my stress levels/emotional temperature has an effect. Of course, this will affect me chemically. I wonder if these alters are just some kind of sophisticated chemistry lab equation... But then again, they must be made up of ourselves, our own subconscious stuff. Or rather, our unconscious stuff, which by definition, we can't talk or know about because it's UNconscious. So maybe these arguments are bringing stuff to light that would be in our best interests to iron out. What did you argue about?

Hmm... I didn't pay much attention to what the arguments were about, before I accepted they're alters. I tried to forget everything I saw as crazy I always said to my friends "Talking to yourself is fine... as long as you don't get a reply." So every time it was too obvious that the reply wasn't coming from my own thinking, I would freak out and try to forget it.