Rock bottom

A month alone in an unfamiliar place while learning the ins and outs of nursing. No one to talk to when I got off my shifts, no one to tell me that things weren't as bad as I was making them out to be. Crying myself to sleep every night. Now it's over and I assumed that it would be okay now, I did the hard bit and would get a break.
My lecturers changed out timetable and had us back in class today for an assessment. WTF? Was I ready for an assessment? Was I even in the right head space to be back at college. Hell no. I failed the assessment and I didn't care. I didn't care. I don't care about anything right now. I took a pair of scissors from my bag (sharpest thing i could find) and took them to the toilets where I asked James to cut me. He refused to come out so I did it myself and dressed the cuts with paper towel and hair elastics.
I'm fried, tired and alone and I really don't give a $#%^ about anything anymore. If the college had been more than one story I would have been up there today. If I had found something sharper I would have found an artery.
All I was right now is to meet te big guy that made me and have him say 'You're commited a mortal sin Catherine, you're going to hell,' and I'll laugh in his face and tell him 'I've been there, what else you got?'
Everyone sees, nobody cares, nobody wants to see, nobody wants to care. I've hit the bottom and I don't want to come up.

oh Cate

A month alone in a strange place could drive anyone into oblivion. I’m so terrible with new people/places, I would probably have hidden in the darkest hole. You’ve done so well!!

That is pretty messed up of college to just spring an assessment on you. You need to take care of yourself for a bit, and try feeling better. It’s so easy when you’ve felt yourself falling for so long, and then you hit the bottom to want to stay there, but you can’t. Even though you can’t see the light from the bottom, it’s not worth being in the cold & dark. You have to try to make your way back up.

As for cutting… I don’t really know what to say, other than I'm glad you didn’t have anything sharper. Although dying always seems to be the way out, the escape, it’s not. It’s so not! I don’t know what to say, but we care, we may not be able to be there physically for you, but we are always here & we do care, I promise.
-Kerry & Mara

I'm sorry you're so upset, Cate I wish I had something amazing to say that would make you feel better

I'm sure it will get better, if you just wait out the crappy period of time. It's okay not to care about assignments right now... you've been under a lot of stress, lately. Hopefully, you just need a little time to come up for air.

Please don't do anything so final

Cate,

That's such an awful story, I wish I had something to say that would magically make everything better, & make all the hurt & loneliness go away. Just know that you have friends out there, just reach out & touch them. Just like you have done on here. Being alone anywhere can be awful, but being alone with yourself can sometimes be worse. Just don't do anything to rash, and final.

As for cutting yourself I know how you must have felt to do that, I have the scars to prove it.
I know how it feels to have control over something when everything else is outside your control, but in the end it's never worth it.
Be strong, Be safe, Stay well & always remember you have people to talk to thats the joy of the internet, sometimes complete strangers become your closest friends.

BE SAFE

I can't do this anymore. I'm done. But I can't do anything until July 10. My sister is moving out that day and I really will be alone again and I won't have to worry about her finding me.

No

neveralone wrote:I can't do this anymore. I'm done. But I can't do anything until July 10. My sister is moving out that day and I really will be alone again and I won't have to worry about her finding me.

Cate,

Life is NEVER that bad, no matter how much you think it is at the time, I've been where you have been, it's a dark and scarey place, nothing but your thoughts to get you through the night, which in some cases isn't much fun, being alone with your own thoughts. Have you considered talking to your sister? I mean you must be fairly close as you obviously care a great deal about her. I'm sure she does about you too. Please Please Please don't do anything.

Live each day as it were a gift, Be strong, if you feel that you can't cope, talk to someone, it can be scarey at times, but it really does help. Really.

Please stay in radio contact U have me worried....

The past is the past because its gone
The future is yet to happen
Today is called the Present because it's a gift.

Be SAFE

neveralone wrote:I can't do this anymore. I'm done. But I can't do anything until July 10. My sister is moving out that day and I really will be alone again and I won't have to worry about her finding me.

I'm tired, of feeling like this, of faking a smile and pretending I'm like everyone else, of letting people walk over me, of being alone, of hurting the people around me. I don't want to have to care anymore. I want to be free. I want to rest.

neveralone wrote:I'm tired, of feeling like this, of faking a smile and pretending I'm like everyone else, of letting people walk over me, of being alone, of hurting the people around me. I don't want to have to care anymore. I want to be free. I want to rest.

Seriously cate. I really do know what that feels like I did that for many years when I was trying to find myself, i guess I was like a chameleon able to change my faces for whoever & whatever situation I was in at the time. It gets so tiring you just feel that you can't be yourself with anybody. Nobody is really like anyone else, we are all individuals in our own right, Unfortunately i stil manage to hurt those people I care about, because i donot really think I am truly at peace with myself. To be free you just have to learn to understand the reasons you feel the way you do, & how you can change them. Please don't let your demons win, it's really not worth it.

You have taken a great step by coming on here, like I said in another one of my replies on here, sometimes complete strangers can become great friends & can really help.

Be Safe
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