DDNOS or DID??? Help

Hi all,

I am pretty new to this forum. I am also pretty new to learning that I am dissociative. So I am looking for some information. So far I have looked on the net and know about the DSMV IV' s definition of DDNOS is but personally I need more info and probably support in handling what is going on for me.

I first discovered I was dissociative in therapy. Actually I do not dissociate in day to day stuff, just in therapy and just when having to feel or recount childhood traumatic experiences. When I dissociate, I feel like I am getting smaller and smaller and that I am being pulled to the back of my head like backwards down a long tunnel. My existence feels like a small dot at the back of my head, everything is fuzzy and far away but I can make out what is being said, just not able to process much of what is said. I can sometimes stop this feeling and will myself to stay present but it takes lots of self talk and energy. I did not understand what was happening to me until a therapist finally asked me how much was I in the room at the moment and I felt caught, and surprised that she could tell I wasn't there. She explained to me what it was that I was doing and it all fit with my experience.

Lately my dissociative episodes have changed. My therapy has ramped up and we are talking about some real disturbing memories that have recently surfaced: childhood sexual abuse. The last few sessions, while trying to talk about abuse issues I dissociate very quickly and do not seem to have control over the experience at all. I feel I will pass out, fall asleep, or ??? just simply cease to exist. It takes all my energy to not pass out and I am pretty messed up for at least a half an hour after. It makes sense though, looking back, I used to pass out as a kid when things were stressful.

I was just remembering a talk session with my therapist. She was trying to get me to express some of the anger I had about the sexual abuse. I was angry for about 20 seconds and then the anger just evaporated (this happens often) and I was numb. While talking about the numbing out I was hiding my mouth from the therapist because I didn't want her to see I was smirking. She noticed and asked why I was hiding behind the blanket and I said because I was smirking. We went into why I was smirking and even though I didn't really know why, a childish part of me said I was proud because I had tricked her. she replied "oh and how do you think you tricked me?" and I was at a loss to explain. I then totally broke down and sobbed that I was sorry, I don't want to trick her, I don't want to be mean. I really like her. And this time too I was not exactly sure who was talking and having these emotions. It was me but none of these words and feelings were coming from my adult brain. I am normally highly composed and stable human being.

I do inner child work so I just put it off to my inner child but thinking back it was more than that, there was a huge inner conflict between parts that were me, but distinct.

I guess I am worried about my dissociation being more than just dissociation but possibly DID. I asked my therapist but she did not think I was DID since I have no amnesia. I am completely unaware of any other personalities other than my odd behavior during counseling sessions.

I would really like to hear from you what the first signs were of DDNOS or DID. Not the DSMVIV signs but what people who have DDNOS feel like, does anyone else relate to this fragmenting of the ego without having distinct personalities? I would especially like to hear from people who do not have periods of amnesia and who relate to what I am saying . Does this make sense if I am DDNOS or does this seem like DID. I want to see if I relate and I cannot find any info on the net except the stuff on full on multiple personalities and loosing long periods of time, which I do not.


Thanks ahead for your support and listening,
Misspelt

Well you've posted in the DID forum, so you may not get the responses you're after. My first symptoms were amnesia, as were that of a LOT of people here. You might want to try the DDNOS one instead if you haven't already.

-Mikaela

I couldn't find a great definition for DDNOS I don't know, it just seems like there's no real line between DID and DDNOS

This is the most detailed definition I could find:

"Differences between DID and DDNOS: A lot of people wonder what's the difference...but the answer isn't really that simple, because people with DDNOS, and even DID, can be at various places along the continuum of 'pathological' dissociation. Also, DDNOS doesn't ONLY refer to people who have personality fragmentation, but also those who dissociate in various ways but experience themselves essentially 'whole.'

Generally speaking though, people with DDNOS don't have clear-cut ("separate and distinct") alter personalities and often don't have amnesia during a "switch." Often the parts don't have names and parts or fragments are much more often co-conscious, where the person feels like s/he is observing themselves acting differently than normal, but not fully in control of their behavior. It is like one personality part is in control, and the other one is watching...so there is no amnesia."

Okay, so the alters from DDNOS aren't clear-cut. That would answer this question:

misspelt wrote:does anyone else relate to this fragmenting of the ego without having distinct personalities?

However, I know that people who have DID can also have co-consciousness... so... And if there are "various places along the continuum of pathological dissociation", then why is it called DDNOS and not just a milder form of DID? I'm so confused

Wow Canolime,

That was super helpful. Where did you get that quote? it describes perfectly what I am feeling. And to Twilight Insight about the DDNOS forum...I did also post there also but no one seems to be posting there since 2007 so I thought I would reach out on this forum.
Anyway, I am really glad I asked. I need to feel a part of since dissociation is not something that I am ready to talk about with my friends. I tried and she was accepting and everything but I think she was thinking I am crazy and that freaked her out. She got really quiet and changed the subject pretty quickly. My friends are great people but I don't think they can handle to info.

Mostly I am trying to get a grip on what happens to me in therapy. It has been hard to get anywhere since when I dissociate for the most part I will not talk. Probably a better understanding and acceptance of my parts will get more cooperation and my therapist will work with parts of me it's just me who doesn't believe anything that they have to say is valid because I think I am making it up.

Maybe I should just go with the flow and let this little one speak, the one who is super scared and keeps telling about things I have no recollection of. I keep thinking that I am just making things up even though I am also wishing that more clear memories would come forward. Doesn't really make sense why I would make this stuff up anyway, it's sad. I will try not to stifle her so much by not believing. Really one thing I do know is that I do not need any more ignoring and minimizing than I already got as a kid.

Thanks again,
if you can find where you got that quote I would super appreciate it.

Misspelt

I got it from here: http://www.angelfire.com/psy/amanda/ddnos2.html#1 I'm glad it was helpful

misspelt wrote:I need to feel a part of since dissociation is not something that I am ready to talk about with my friends. I tried and she was accepting and everything but I think she was thinking I am crazy and that freaked her out. She got really quiet and changed the subject pretty quickly.

I'm sorry Maybe she just doesn't understand it enough, or needs time to process.

misspelt wrote:Mostly I am trying to get a grip on what happens to me in therapy. It has been hard to get anywhere since when I dissociate for the most part I will not talk. Probably a better understanding and acceptance of my parts will get more cooperation and my therapist will work with parts of me it's just me who doesn't believe anything that they have to say is valid because I think I am making it up.

Maybe you could write down what you want to tell the therapist, ahead of time, and hand her the paper before your alters/fragments get a chance to take over...?
Yeah, the sooner you accept it/them, the better. I really doubt that you're making it up
Alters need to talk with someone too, so I think it's a good thing that she can talk to your therapist

I keep hearing that it gets worse, before it gets better... so don't get too freaked out, if it does

Again, thanks, I already feel like I have someone out there who gets it and that feels good.

Not sure yet about the alters but fragmented... yes definitely. I did talk with my therapist today actually although I could not bring myself to talk about alters. Too scary, I always think that the therapist will think I am being over dramatic or minimize how messed up I feel. I was honest with her about this fear. I told her that I was afraid that no one would take me seriously if I really let them know how crazy I was feeling. She was great and assured me that she takes me very seriously and that she takes the circumstances of my childhood very seriously and she does not think I am making things up. This felt good but was really hard to take in and believe.

Funny you mentioned writing from my child view and handing it over to the T. Today as soon as I got to my appointment I had my child draw a picture for the therapist as soon as I got into the room. We discussed the picture and that was an excellent start. I was not willing to minimize what my inner child drew and it was really very telling too. So much so that at one point I couldn't look at the picture, it distressed me too much. But I stuck with my child's fear of going crazy, was honest, asked for my needs to be met and I did not dissociate, Yeah!

I am learning, Thanks for your kind words, for me support is being heard by someone who will not minimize my experience.
I will look at that site now, Again thanks
Misspelt