help!!! am I real?

Help.

I know I am dissociative. I have known this for sometime as when I was in therapy, when I felt threatened, I would dissociate. For me dissociate means feel really small and far away, not become another personality.

What is getting at me tonight is an experience I had today. I am seeing a new therapist and today we had our first session of EMDR.
What is freaky is, is that about 3 or 4 knee taps into the experience of imagining a safe spot for me, I dissociated. There really was no threatening situation really for my normal self (we were just experimenting with safe EMDR to get a feel for it) and even more freaky to me still is, it was like I was still there but that there was someone else there too, it seemed like I was an infant, preverbal and frightened beyond belief.

my question is this: is it possible to have an alter and not actually have any lapses of memory? It was like I was there all along and that this "other" was there taking over and willing the dissociation.

do any of you have any experiences like this. COuld I be DID and not even have a clue?

Misspelt

Hello there,
I joined this site a while ago but haven't posted much. I came on here today in the hope of asking a question, but your messege has totally overwhelmed me (in a good way ).
I was diagnosed with DID about a year ago and it came following a run of EMDR. Whilst I do think that EMDR was helpfull, and whilst I do think I showed signs of DID previous to it, the fact of the matter is that the DID came on big-time after.
I've given this a lot of thought and come to the comclusion that I already dissociated and doing EMDR actually appears to have aided Dissociation. I don't want to make you feel unsure about continuing, as EMDR was and is very effective for some people, however I do think its worth bearing in mind that it uses a form of dissociation to take you away from the uncomfortable (etc) feelings, and I think for some people it may develop into a more serious problem afterwards.
Perhaps you should mention your experience to the therapist who is helping you, as they may be able to help you further. To answer your question,I would say it is possible to remember at times with DID. On the whole I don't remember how I've been or the things I may have done, but I do have sometimes snippets of memory and can sometimes peice together events afterwards. Though these thoughts are very hazy.
When I had EMDR I became increasingly aware of a little me whilst this was going on, I put this down at the time to being the little me who had been hurt. Maybe this too is whats happening? or perhaps they are both the same thing a persona? I don't know for sure, I'm no expert and I am still struggling with personas myself but I just thought it might be something to think about.

Thanks Lauren Ruth,

I will talk to my therapist about this feeling. I had already decided that I wanted to get back to talk therapy for a while as the EMDR was overwhelming in that I just struggled the whole time to not pass out ( this has also been a coping mechanism for me ).
[
quote]When I had EMDR I became increasingly aware of a little me whilst this was going on, I put this down at the time to being the little me who had been hurt. Maybe this too is whats happening? /quote]

I have actually done quite a bit of Transactional Analysis therapy which in layman's terms is the therapy that came up with the inner child and the ego states so I am aware of the Child ego state, have been in it many times and have been able to work with this kind of therapy very effectively.

This time it was different, it was as though I was incapacitated, like someone else was dissociating, but aware at the same time.

Anyway, thanks for responding. It is nice to see I am not alone.

Hi!

It's definitely possible to have DID without memory lapses. That's how my system is. Well, we have a couple blank spots in our childhood, but otherwise no blackouts or anything. Fairly often we have two or more alters present at the same time. Yet we still are very distinct personalities. One of us might take over the body and act, while the others can only watch.

-Katie and Kevin

misspelt wrote:Help.

I know I am dissociative. I have known this for sometime as when I was in therapy, when I felt threatened, I would dissociate. For me dissociate means feel really small and far away, not become another personality.

What is getting at me tonight is an experience I had today. I am seeing a new therapist and today we had our first session of EMDR.
What is freaky is, is that about 3 or 4 knee taps into the experience of imagining a safe spot for me, I dissociated. There really was no threatening situation really for my normal self (we were just experimenting with safe EMDR to get a feel for it) and even more freaky to me still is, it was like I was still there but that there was someone else there too, it seemed like I was an infant, preverbal and frightened beyond belief.

my question is this: is it possible to have an alter and not actually have any lapses of memory? It was like I was there all along and that this "other" was there taking over and willing the dissociation.

do any of you have any experiences like this. COuld I be DID and not even have a clue?

Misspelt

The term is co-conciousness. Not everything in DID fits the stereotype. I have co-conciousness and wide awake when Frank is out and its exactly how you described it. Like floating back somewhere while he takes the driver's seat.

Ok, thanks for your posts.

I am pretty freaked out now. I was just remembering a talk session with a therapist a really like. She was trying to get me to express some of the anger I had about some sexual abuse. I was angry for about 20 seconds and then the anger just evaporated (this happens often) and I was numb. While talking about the numbing out I was hiding my mouth from the therapist because I didn't want her to see I was smirking. She noticed and asked why I was hiding behind the blanket and I said because I was smirking. We went into why I was smirking and even though I didn't really know why, a childish part of me said I was proud because I had tricked her. she replied "oh and how do you think you tricked me?" and I was at a loss to explain. I then totally broke down and sobbed that I was sorry, I don't want to trick her, I don't want to be mean. I really like her. And this time too I was not exactly sure who was talking and having these emotions. It was me but none of these words and feelings were coming from my adult brain.

I do inner child work so I just put it off to my inner child but thinking back it was more than that, there was a huge inner conflict between parts that were me, but distinct.

I would really like to hear from you what the first signs were of DID. Not the DMVIV signs but what people who have DID felt at the beginning. Especially from people who do not have blackouts. I want to see if I relate and I cannot find any info on the net except the stuff on full on multiple personalities and loosing long periods of time.
Maybe I will start a new thread with this too. but if you don't mind answering I would be grateful.
misspelt

Wasn't always co-concious with Frank, so my first signs were phone calls for him, waking up battered and sore as hell from him causing trouble in bars, and a bloody nose on more than one occasion. That was FUN!

We haven't always been co-conscious either, altho we are for the most part now. For me first signs were notes I hadn't written, my bedroom being tidied with stuff in places I didn't put them (I'm OCD so this was a major pain in the ass for me) also, the volumes on my radios would all be on 25 but I have to have them on 24/26 (another OCD thing). Also cuts from where some alters are cutters. the problem for me was I was a cutter too, & so I'd assumed that I'd done it, even tho I didn't remember doing it.

It was confusing to start with - especially the first time we were 'face to face'!!!