So... am I imagining all of this?

*I don't think there's anything triggering in this post... I hope I'm not wrong.

I already typed all of this up, but I'm chickening out, so one of the uh... voices... alters... is having to make me post this, now. I'm really not trying to be disrespectful or anything by not using the word "alter". It just feels weird, when I don't know if I have this or not

I've been around long enough to know that no one here can diagnose anyone I just want to know what you guys think.


I’m not exactly sure when this started. It first caught my attention when I was 6 (I’m 20, now), but it’s becoming easier for me to notice. Sometimes, I feel like I can’t control what I’m doing. Like I’m watching what I’m doing, but can’t control it. When it happens, it’s only for a minute or two, but I end up saying things that I don’t want to say.

An example: A few weeks ago, I was on the phone with my mom, and I got frustrated, even though I don’t remember her doing anything during that conversation to frustrate me. I then felt like I was watching myself talk to her with an attitude, and when I tried to calm down and be nicer, I couldn’t. I felt like I wasn’t really in control. I tried telling myself (in my thoughts) to shut up, but it wouldn’t work. Then, I heard a voice in my head (similar to mine, but more mature sounding) say “Tone it down”, and I felt my arms/hands kind of motion the down word, so I looked down, and then I was back in control. This was the first time I had so clearly heard that voice, but the not having control part, I have semi-regularly.


The more I try to figure out what’s going on, the more I realize it’s weirder than I originally thought. I talk to myself constantly, about every thought that enters my mind. It’s just a ton of little comments back and forth, about everything. I always thought the answers and comments I get back, were me making them up, but it doesn’t really seem that way, anymore. I’m realizing that even though, for the most part, the voices that I hear aren’t nearly as clear as talking to my family or a random person at the store (more like a feeling, with a little bit of a voice that goes along with it),I don’t think they’re part of my imagination. It’s not like the voices go into detail about their lives or anything; it’s mostly just us talking about what’s going on in that moment. Sometimes they tell me what to do, too (not like killing anyone, or anything like that )… like if I pick up a cookie, something will tell me to pick the one next to it, instead. Or if I’m not sure what I should do, I’ll hear what I should do. I usually listen, because it’s extremely hard for me to make decisions. I’ll go back and forth, getting more and more nervous, so having something (or someone, I guess) tell me exactly what to pick, makes things easier. I wouldn’t listen, if I didn’t think it was a good idea.


I can block things out, very well. Things that are upsetting can be very hard to remember. The memory isn’t completely gone; I just can’t remember the details. If I get into a fight with someone, I probably won’t remember how it started, what it was about, most of what was said, etc. I will remember that we were fighting, where I was when it happened, the feelings I had… just not many details about the fight. I can remember what it was about, if I think really, really hard, for a long time. It’s like I have to break through a barrier, to get to the memory. I end up with a bad headache, after thinking so hard, though, so I try to avoid doing this. I’d rather ask the person I’m fighting with, what happened.


When I look in the mirror, I don’t look exactly how I imagine myself. I do look similar, though. A lot of times, I’m a little surprised, when I see myself in the mirror, but I do know it’s me.


I also get some depersonalization type things, especially when I’m extra depressed. Sometimes I feel numb, don’t recognize my hand (that was actually pretty cool, for a few minutes ), feel like it isn’t real, etc. One time I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror, at all. A couple of times, I had no feelings of connection, to anyone… that was really horrible


So, I never considered dissociative identity disorder, but a little while ago, I tried explaining some of this to my friend. I realized I couldn’t explain it without it sounding at least a little DID. Every time I try to explain it, it ends up sounding the same way. Writing all of this down, I remembered more and more odd stuff. I kept telling myself I can’t have that; I’m doubting that more and more, now. Is it possible to have DID, and not have many (if any) blackouts? Can you be continuously co-conscious with alters?


I’m very sensitive, and I already feel stupid (sorry if that word offends anyone) for even thinking I might have this, so please try to not be mean


I’m sorry it was so long, and the thoughts and grammar were crappy (I was mostly typing as it came to me, and it’s pretty late, here)… thanks to anyone who read

hi,wow,everything you wrote sounds so much like how i am/feel.as i've got older it's all fallen into place a lot clearer.i too have vivid memories from times when i was in nappies,that i'm told i can't have!i do have blank times,but mostly i find something (eg) a five shilling coin on hsp.bedside table.i've never seen one in my life,noone could have come into my room overnight etc,but i have no memory of having missed any time either.eg the other day my fave red heart keyring has dissapeared,been replaced by white skull one.also the being consious,but feeling someone else is answering,instead of you,i get that soooo much,and it gives me so much trouble.guilt really stood out as well,i feel so guilty about being a bother to everyone,and i don't know why i sould feel like that.sorry i'm not much help,but your not the only one it's happening to,i find that helps me when i'm desperate,that i'm not alone.

mshyde wrote:hi,wow,everything you wrote sounds so much like how i am/feel.as i've got older it's all fallen into place a lot clearer.i too have vivid memories from times when i was in nappies,that i'm told i can't have!i do have blank times,but mostly i find something (eg) a five shilling coin on hsp.bedside table.i've never seen one in my life,noone could have come into my room overnight etc,but i have no memory of having missed any time either.eg the other day my fave red heart keyring has dissapeared,been replaced by white skull one.also the being consious,but feeling someone else is answering,instead of you,i get that soooo much,and it gives me so much trouble.guilt really stood out as well,i feel so guilty about being a bother to everyone,and i don't know why i sould feel like that.sorry i'm not much help,but your not the only one it's happening to,i find that helps me when i'm desperate,that i'm not alone.

No, don't worry... even a reply helps It's nice knowing you can relate. Thank you

Hi!

Yeah, sounds like DID. The stuff you describe sounds a lot like us. Especially the phone conversation with your mom. Our little, Aislinn, threw a big fit today about wanting to go to Sonic. Katie tried to get her to calm down, but she was so dang stubborn, our mom eventually took us. Basically Katie felt like she was watching herself throw a fit, when it was really Aislinn. You're not imagining this. It's so hard for non-multiples to comprehend that you probably couldn't make this up if you tried.

-Kevin

Nessieblack10 wrote:Hi!

Yeah, sounds like DID. The stuff you describe sounds a lot like us. Especially the phone conversation with your mom. Our little, Aislinn, threw a big fit today about wanting to go to Sonic. Katie tried to get her to calm down, but she was so dang stubborn, our mom eventually took us. Basically Katie felt like she was watching herself throw a fit, when it was really Aislinn. You're not imagining this. It's so hard for non-multiples to comprehend that you probably couldn't make this up if you tried.

-Kevin

Okay, I feel a little better. Thanks for sharing what happened today, Kevin