one alter's inappropriate behavior *TRIGGERING*

Hi all. If you are reading this, thanks!
I have an alter that is participating in some inappropriate behavior towards our therapist and I am not handling it too well. I need some advise. He has engaged himself in writing very rude, sexual e mails to my therapist, has gone on the internet and found personal information out about my therapist and therapist's family, has looked up stalking methods, and has threatened her with sexual distruction. My therapist thinks this part is very young...maybe 11 years in age. My therapist finally blocked any further e mails from us and this has really disrupted the others inside. This part is also threatening towards the other children inside. Could an 11 year old really engage in such adult behavior? The language and thoughts of this part are mind boggling. My therapist thinks this might be learned behavior from childhood abuse. This part refuses to talk to our therapist about anything, the only thing he has said is that he feels no guilt or remorse for anything he has ever written or done. The tension inside is so great, I just can't take it anymore. What do we do?

I feel like everything is crubbling inside.


Kim

I had a pretty foul mouth by 11, as do a lot of 11 year olds these days. Hell, I think 11 year olds these days know worse words than I did when I was that age.

Anywho, what to do? Same thing you would do with any out of control child, smack em in the face when they say awful things and firmly tell them they're not allowed to talk like that, that it's inappropriate.

Aww, I have such bad experiences with a therapist accepting email. She should not have done that to begin with. That's just way too confusing a boundary. I agree with mr Bates that this alter is out of control, but I am not sure about the methods of calming him down. You need to find out what protective role this alter is playing. What good is he doing for the system as a whole? Do you have any idea? Sounds like your therapist is reasonably accepting of him. Maybe if you can find out what he is trying to achieve, he might also be willing to start talking to your therapist. I am btw pretty sure other alters are bringing him out of balance. Sounds like he's a 'firefighter' trying to put some feelings out. It would not be his job to feel guilt or remorse. Others might do that. You have to accept that there are all these different parts that are carrying burdens. And try to listen more to each of them.
Good luck!

Hi, Pob.

Andrew is definitely a firefighter. My therapist is wonderful and is very accepting of all of the parts, but a few weeks ago it was like he just snapped! He wont talk to our therapist right now unless he is saying something vulger to her. He yells and screames and threatens the others inside constantly, and no one knows why or what he is trying to accomplish. He now says he hates our therapist after just a few weeks ago saying he liked her, although I am not sure what he meant by that. Andrew is extremely sexual, likes to go out and find sex, and masterbates all of the time. It's quite unsettling to say the least. When he is out, he has the ability to completey block everyone else from knowing what he is doing when he is out. His role inside is to take over if and when something upsets me or makes me angry as I do not have those emotions myself. I, Kim, am the, "self."

Do we just ignore the screames and the comment and wait for him to calm down? I don't know. He is a cutter and I am a bit worried he will start cutting again. We do not do hospitals very well. The body worries about that.

Thank you pob for posting a comment.

Kim

His role inside is to take over if and when something upsets me or makes me angry as I do not have those emotions myself. I, Kim, am the, "self."

You are right: firefighters take over when managers are failing in their job of keeping exiles away and protect the self (against vulnerability, exiled feelings coming up, fear, disruption of the system as a whole).
Do you remember what caused him to snap a few weeks ago?
He needs to show how 'powerful and vulgar' he is. That's fine. The very best thing to do, really, is acknowledge him and accept that he is part of your system, and let him know he's welcome to be part of the system - but just a part of it, that is.
Why would he start cutting again? Ask him.

I still say be firm and instill some discipline. You can figure out what his deal is AFTER you get him to calm his ass down. Its way too much try to do that in reverse order. Can't hold hands and be gentle all the time. Direct and to the point may not always be the friendliest or most "PC" way of doing things, but it tends to get the best results. Ask him what he hopes to gain by acting like this, and when he gives a #######4 answer (which an out of control child ALWAYS does first) you call him out on it "That's #######4". He wants to act like an "adult", then treat him like one. Don't tolerate his crap, don't be fussy with him and dilly dally about, just smack him upside the head and say "Hey!"

Hello, Mr. Bates. Thank you for your advise, although I should say, being firm with Andrew has always back fired for us, he just gets worse.

Pob, We don't know what made him, "snap." It was like night and day.

When Andrew gets angry, no matter who or what he is angry about, sometimes then takes it out on the body and cuts...not sure why, he won't talk about his feelings.


Kim

Hi Kim,

I think you should still ask him though, because he's the one who knows... Or maybe ask him if and how he would like to communicate with you. And let him know that destructive behavior usually backfires, and that you want to know how you can help him...

Andrew sounds extremely upset, which may be, but sometimes it is a distraction.

He is not a bad person. He is dealing with the situation in possibly the only way he knows how.
It could be that he is feeling threatened and trying to scare the therapist off, or perhaps you got close
to something he didn't want you to know and is trying to distract you.
He mentioned that he "liked" her, maybe there is something he has to say to or about your therapist?
If it has continued maybe there is something not being addressed here?
If he says he hates your therapist, there has to be a good reason for him saying this.

Every system is different so what I am saying may not apply here, I am simply repeating what I had
to do to help S when she started acting up in similar manners.

For my system at least there is a limit to how far they can go. They try to push the boundary and scare
people off or do things without my knowledge. In my experience even the youngest ones can have a varied
vocabulary (F tends to pretend he doesn't know as much as he does) so 11 doesn't sound too far fetched to me.

Our confrontation has always been tough love. "I love you, but I cannot allow you to do this, because it would be
harmful to you and to us." S has never attempted to scare the others by threatening them but I have had those who have.

I wish I could be of more help. My sweetheart is amazing when S has a bad day. He knows when to call a bluff and lets her know how far she can go before she is in trouble. Afterwards he usually gives her a big hug to let her know he still loves her.
I am just not aware of even half the things he says, I tend to fuzz out!

Good luck, I hope things get easier soon.

manyfacesofus wrote:Hello, Mr. Bates. Thank you for your advise, although I should say, being firm with Andrew has always back fired for us, he just gets worse.

Pob, We don't know what made him, "snap." It was like night and day.

When Andrew gets angry, no matter who or what he is angry about, sometimes then takes it out on the body and cuts...not sure why, he won't talk about his feelings.


Kim

Well you can't just wiggle your finger at the kid!

When I say smack him, I don't mean really hurt him, just a light wake-up smack to the face. This will usually throw them off and quiet them down because they're not used to having any real discipline. That's when you come on strong verbally and try to get through to him.