Lost and confused

Hi

I'm new to this forum and like others it's a relief to see other people with similar experiences after a lifetime of thinking i was the only one.

Living in Europe (original UK but now in Italy) there are no support groups, help centres, really anything available and the illness has such a stigma that most medical professionals say that you are an attention seeker or a depressive because d.i.d is constructed and doesn't exist.

In the UK i was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder, bi-polar and schizophrenia before one psychiatrist - the only decent one in all the time in the mental health system diagnosed d.i.d but told me that he couldn't write that diagnosis on my file as it was something people refused to believe or could really mess up my life... not being able to work with children, etc. I needed to escape the UK and the bad things that happened here so we moved to Italy. The voices were less loud, there was less chaos inside and less time lost each day and i felt good until an incident here that brought back again all the nightmares, the voices louder than ever, the angry one trying to kill me whenever he could and one of the children crying every evening after dark and never enabling me to sleep.

Luckily i have a great psychologist now who is trying to help me with internal communication and understand the roles of everyone inside.After 1 year of therapy 3 or 4 others are starting to come out and talk to her and she is able to tell me what they say as they don't always communicate with me directly. She believes me and wants to help me plus one friend who is great. I've lost other friends because they either think i'm making it all up or they are scared of me because they think i'll want to harm them or their kids and therefore have cut off most communication with me. This makes me really sad. I don't think the angry one would ever dream of hurting anyone other than me. He wants to be the leader because he thinks i'm doing a bad job so he's trying to torment me and physically harm me in order to take control for ever.

My psychologist suggested going to a private mental health clinic a few months ago to stay there as an in patient at a time where i had almost no control over my body and lost so much time each day that i was quite scared and in danger. I kept finding myself in different parts of the city, different food in my freezer, new toys that the angry one confessed to have bought for the children, drawings and writings everywhere and generally everything was a complete nightmare.

so .. i trusted her and i went. They took me in but i saw only once a psychologist and psychiatrist who seemed interested but after i was discharged i read the note to my GP which said i was depressed and anxious and was making up ficticious characters to get attention and therefore there was no need to receive any medication, just xanax to help me sleep and psychotherapy was not an option as i was making it all up.

It took so much guts to tell them there, especially after 3 out of 5 people i had told (or had to tell because they had dealt with others of us) refused to believe me and now i feel so sad and lost.

I don't know where to turn to now. My psychologist is very concerned about me and wants me to see another pyschiatrist but there's a huge resistant from the others - especially as they didn't want our secret to be revealed the first time and it turned out they were right. Now also i can't face another person not believing us or giving a wrong diagnosis.

Also i'm not sure if therapy is really helping with the psychologist. I mean she is helping me understand better the situation and encouraging me to communicate in different ways with the others but instead of making me more united it seems i am becoming more seperate. Is that normal? does it mean we are healing or getting worse?

Often when i leave there the information and the memories and even the situation itself is too much and i lose hours of time and all sorts of things happen, pans are burnt, wrists are cut, my motorbike is not outside the house, i haven't been to work, or i have and i don't remember.

I don't know how to go forward and sometimes i just feel like quitting this life although i know there is a lot of beauty too in this World.

Can anyone give me any suggestions as to steps i should take to keep moving forward. I mean, how do you stop disappearing so often and bad things from happening to you and some of the others? Is psychopharmacy effective? If so what sort of medication will they give me and does it work? and how? How can we all become more communicative, how can i regain the order and continue life. It is threatening my work and my whole livelyhood. If people knew what was going on they wouldn't let me work and i am completely alone so without work i can't survive even financially or physically, there's no benefit system in Italy to help people in difficulty.

Also does anyone else have visual hallucinations as well as their family inside? I have been seeing flashes of light when i close my eyes recently, and shadow creatures with wings out of the corner of my eyes for many years. Recently also like shapes of kind of coloured gas, hard to describe appear and move and disappear in front of me and when i go to bed everynight i see a man inbetween my outside door and inside door pointing a gun at me when i go past and so i have to always run not walk up the stairs and i am really so scared every night of going to bed and turning out the light. It's such a bad time for us all.

THat's about it. I hope someone has the time to read and give me some advice / info or tell me about their own experiences.

I have hardly any friends. I left my own country to be free from the people who hurt me so much (real people) but i am in prison here too with all of the others freaking out all the time. I feel so alone.

Hi Skydancer,

Welcome to the forum, and I am glad you found your way here. I think it can be of great support for you. Here you can at least find people who believe and understand your diagnosis! Being alone with this shouldn't happen to anyone...
It must be hard to lose so much time, I can't imagine. That alone must make you feel nuts.
I am just at the beginning of looking at my own DID, and I soon felt that working with it, as well as trying to deny it, made it worse. So no matter what: it was getting worse. I am now learning to look at it as a system, a family system, an Internal Family System (IFS).

The parts in the system can get more and more polarized if they don't get heard or acknowledged - by the 'Self'. That is what I am learning - to be 'a self' - that is kind, compassionate, and understanding, and that is separate from ALL the parts that are causing problems or carrying pain. I have been (very) frustrated and angry that I don't have this self and never got to learn to be a self, for all my parts. And I wasn't going to be a self, someone else had to do it for me, because it was WAY too hard and far too complex.

But gradually, I am learning to separate all these troublesome parts from the self, and it is beginning to accept all the pain, craziness, anger and confusion that other parts are carrying. It is beginning to recognize that freaking out belongs to a part, fear belongs to a part, nightmares belong to a part, and it is starting to listen and have patience with these parts.
These parts start to calm down a bit, beginning to believe there is someone who is willing to assist them, understand them and take care of them.

I think, all in all, if you are really, over a longer time, becoming more separate, something isn't quite right. You may need to get to know your system in a more gentle way. Patience is very important. Apparently parts are letting you know that they don't agree, or are fearful. I hope your psych isn't going too fast or putting pressure on you. I also hope your psych is not really worrying too much. Because how is that for other parts in your system? Don't they get upset about that? You benefit more by someone who has the right amount of trust in you and your system. I would be concerned if my T said he wanted me to see a pscyhiatrist...

I think it's most important if you understand that your system seems quite upset, and needs understanding and acceptance. You need to come and understand that the terrible fear going to bed belongs to a part of you. It is letting you know it is very scared, and you can let it know that you hear that. You can ask it if there is any way that you can keep that part company, and how. Or if there is anything you can do for this part so it won't be so very scared.
I have found that learning to keep company with parts and just spending time with them is very reassuring for them.

And that is basically how the system is going to calm down.
I don't like promoting books, really, but I found this book, I mentioned it in another post, on Internal Family Systems Therapy (Schwartz), and it really helps me having hope and beginning to understand and accept multiplicity.
It's a beautiful and loving book. So that's how I'd like to end.
I am sure other people will respond soon too.

I hope we'll see you back!

hello,being in uk,i know how docs treat us.the psychologist asks for list of "ghosts"and their names etc,then says "we don't find it helpfull to put labels on things"...what?????your scientists,thats your job defining behaviours,.ok,sorry,rant over.
i do see things too,not as scared of that anymore,just think its interesting when it happens,or maybe it's someone who can't talk trying to communicate,i've learnt not to tell anyone about did,for all the reasons you mention,which is so hard having noone to talk to,or if i can't understand it,how can anyone else.which is why it's great here!

Good lord, what a monster post!

Welcome welcome, you've definitely come to the right place!

I'll never understand these "professionals" that refuse to believe in DID. Just because their DUMBASSES can't wrap their head around the power of the human mind, doesn't mean it can't be real. If Europe isn't working, you're more than welcome here in the States, seeing as we DO have doctors that will treat DID.

Some guidelines?

Step 1: Psychologists Only! No pill doctors! This is NOT something you can just make go away with drugs! There is NO drug for this. You have to work with your alters to better your system!
Step 2: This is the most important rule of them, so write this down: COMMUNICATION! COMMUNICATION! COMMUNICATION! I cannot stress this enough! You want to work towards a healthy stable system? You HAVE to work on communicating with your system! You have to fight with the angry one and stop tolerating their #######4! It's YOUR body, YOU call the shots! You need to find out who's running around without checking in and causing blackouts and time loss. You need to work towards networking your entire system and establishing order. Compromise is very important to any healthy relationship, including internal ones. Be fair to your others, but don't take no $#%^ from them either! When you have to put your foot down, PUT IT DOWN! Some ideas for establishing communication throughout the system is through journaling. Write things down, encourage your others to write too! Start talking! Get the wire going!

Thanks everyone for your support and helpful advise

I understand that communication, communication, communication is the key. Plus time, patience and a lot of love.

I went last Monday to the Day Clinic again to see the psychologist and psychiatrist and again they made us all feel bad and misunderstood so that;s it. I will work with my regular psychologist who is the only one who is beginning to understand our system and try to dedicate more time to everyone. It is hard in between work but without this communication and commitment no-one is happy and we are not living in harmony, it's like everyone for themselves.

Monday night the angry one was so angry and pissed off with me for going back to the clinic and many other things that he took enough pills - for epilepsy, antipsychotic, sleeping stuff etc to kill us all along with a bottle of wine. Luckily (i thinK) i woke up again after a day but have been really ill for 5 days. My friend found me and decided not to take me to hospital - good move as they definitely would not have understood the situation. I guess it's hard for a normal person to understand these things!!! Today is the first i feel almost normal again and can co-ordinate movements and keep my head from rolling around. It's not the first time he's tried this so now i am in the middle of writing him a letter to begin a better line of communication. I don't think he understands that if i die everyone will. He thinks he can kill me and take over. Is that normal???

Anyway i'm here and trying to wade through all this stuff, definitely in future without the support of any psychiatrist and day clinics that have no idea of what they are doing

Happy weekend to all xxx

It's definitely possible he doesn't understand he'd be killing the body.
I've had a depressed alter (I don't like using this word) want to disappear and leave us
all to continue on without her, without realizing she'd kill all of us.

She needed that unfortunate stroke of reality that she can't kill herself without killing all of us.
She's part of a body. She also needed to understand that we all make up this system-
without her we wouldn't be who we are, and we'd miss her.

He can't kill you and continue on, because he'd be killing the (body), not you specifically!
Living together in this body isn't always completely apparent to my kids, I've found.

Good luck and I hope you can figure this out! You're not alone out there, even if it's hard to find
a professional that understands.

thanks.

I've told him many times that i will listen to his suggestions and try to compromise if he calms down. I haven't got really into why he is so angry yet. I have also tried to explain that he can't just kill me, he will die too but he doesn't seem to understand. He just laughs because he says that i am a girl and he is a boy and therefore how can we be sharing the same body. Has anyone got any good ways of gently explaining and proving that the body is the same.

It is weird for me too because even though i can't see them, they are them, i mean, they are real. It took a long time for me to understood too that we are parts of the same whole. It still doesn't seem possible somehow and we are so different.


Yesterday was a better day. I went to work for the first time in a week and as usual was blessed with a lot of love and joy as i work with kids and they often seem to help me through the darkest of times.

We were making communication trees in honour of Earth Day (22nd April) and they turned out really good. Mine will be an internal communication tree whereas obviously for them it will be with the external world.

We were in the garden, painting and laughing with the sun shining and i ended up being there for almost 3 hours, one of the little boys is really special, almost like an angel with so much love and joy. All of my little ones were happy painting in the sunshine and then afterwards they played with the children, running, jumping and inventing games. Everyone was much quieter in the evening although i only slept one hour last night. The night's are the hardest to get through.

Anyway, each day is something new and brings new experiences and new hope

Gently drop your drawers for him and be like "Notice anything missing?"

Sorry, such an easy set up!

very funny and very true. Just that i can only communicate to him when i'm in charge so he says it's my body. When he's in charge i'm never there. I guess it will take a third person to do it.

Yeah, try explaining THAT to a friend. "Okay, I have a male alter that I need to prove to him the body is female even when he's in charge. So I need you to yank my knickers down. Maybe a little shirt lift for reassurance."